Too Much To Bear: BBW Shifter Romance (Shifters of Spellholm Forest - The Bears) (17 page)

"Try to stay relaxed. It takes practice."

Once again, she tried to grasp the tendrils of thought before they slipped away. Frustrated she shook her head and then shifted on her haunches, the concentration was immense. Jenny only hoped it would get easier over time. There she had it, but there was no way to let Beck know without moving her body and letting her concentration slip.

"I'm sorry Jenny; if I hadn't gone off I would have practised this with you. Did your parents give you any advice, walk you through the steps?"

Jenny thought of her parents, of her dad. What had he told her? OK, she had it.

Slowly she brought her thoughts together until she had a clear picture of herself, and then she let her mind relax, whilst holding the image. It threatened to slip away, but she grasped hold of it, and then stepped into the image of herself.

Time stopped, Beck became hazy and then disappeared, she was not part of the world for a heart shuddering second, and then she came back to herself, back to the person she had been her whole life. Her knees gave way and she crashed into Beck's arms. Grabbing hold of him, wanting to feel he was real.

She looked up at him tears in her eyes. "I did it."

"Yes you did." His eyes shone with emotion, and she felt closer to him again, much closer. The mating bond was stronger, her need for him returned, more forceful now she had undergone the change, If she allowed herself she would fall into his arms and into his bed, and never question if it was the right thing to do.

"Beck...I."

"It doesn't matter, let's get you home and into bed."

He picked her up effortlessly and carried her back to the house. Exhaustion took her, and her eyes drooped shut. Resting her head on his shoulder, his solidness comforted her and made her feel safe. She would never want to be anywhere, other than here in his arms.

He pressed his lips to hers as he carried her home. For a terrifying moment, he thought he might lose her forever. She had looked wild and out of her mind, a feeling he could still remember from his first change. So long ago, in terms of life experience, not years. Since that day, he had done so much and learned so much, and he should have been here to support his mate, instead of going off and breaking her heart, and his.

This is how he had felt the day after that awful night where he had set out to single mindedly destroy what he had with Jenny. It was as though a self destruct button had been pressed in his head and compelled him to cast aside everything good in his life.

Tonight he planned to make amends, but the change had taken her before he knew her answer. But deep down, didn't he know her reply; she would say no, he knew it as surely as he knew the sun rose every morning. Well, it had up until now, because if she denied him he would live in some kind of perpetual night.

Jenny murmured something incoherent against his chest. He hoped she would be alright, and that the shock would not make her ill. He took her to her room, and lay her carefully down on the bed, a place where he longed to be, next to her, inside her. Well if he hadn't so royally messed things up then that was where he would be on this day, which was so special to her.

He made her comfortable with a pillow under her head, and covered her up with her warm quilt, for despite the warm evening air she felt cool to the touch. She would need all her strength in the coming days to conquer herself; she had to learn to control the change before it controlled her. There was no life to be had if you did not know when it would take you. He had seen it first hand when he lived away. He would not let Jenny became that out of control.

Kissing her forehead he looked down at her face, and smiled, she looked peaceful, and to him it was the most beautiful sight. Moving back from the bed he first went to retrieve his clothes. After dressing quickly, he returned to sit down in the corner of her room and watch over her, scared she might wake in the night and change. His personal nightmare was that she would slip out into the darkness and run forever, and he would never be able to find her again.

While he sat, unsleeping for the length of the lonely night, he only hoped she could find room in all of this confusion to learn to love him. Rather than sending him away, which would be the easier thing to do.

Opening her eyes, with the sunlight streaming through her window, it took Jenny a few moments to distinguish whether last night had been a dream or real. She felt the same; there was no hair or long tail attached to her, so at least if it was real, she had managed to successfully change back. Because Beck had helped her. Beck!

She sat up, and looked into his eyes, the sight of him, staring possessively at her, unnerving. "Have you been there all night?"

"Yes. I had thought about going down and clearing up for you, but I was scared if I left, you might run away from me."

"I'm not running anywhere," she said, and then the memories of last night filtered through. "I did run, didn't I, but I stopped. Will it be as hard when I change again?"

"Why don't you eat, and then we'll find out."

Her head ached, and she felt a little sick, not really in the mood for the energy it took to control the change. "Maybe later."

"Don't put it off, Jenny. You need to change a few times to conquer it, or else it might conquer you."

"Does that happen?" she asked very quietly.

"Not often, but yes, I've seen it." He came over to the bed, and she thought he was going to sit down, and then he changed his mind. She tried to work out why. Had the sight of her last night changed his feelings for her? No, that was not possible, or was it. He had managed to battle that instinctive need for his mate once, was he doing it again. Maybe he was glad she had not given him a yes to his proposal, it meant he did not have to try to take it back.

"You can go if you want; my parents will be able to help me later. You must be tired."

He groaned, and stepped closer, still unsure whether to touch her. "Don't do this, Jenny, please. I need to be here with you. To make amends for what I've done, how can I ever hope to do that if you send me away?"

"I thought that was what you wanted."

"No, why would you think that? I came back so we could be together, I realised I want the life we talked about."

"Then why Beck, can you tell me why you did what you did?"

He slumped down on the edge of her bed, looking totally defeated. "Not really, because I'm not sure myself. Part of me panicked, felt suffocated by all of this, the suddenness of it. But even while I was at that bar, the voice in my head was screaming at me, telling me it was all wrong. I can only tell you I'm sorry, and that I promise I will never do anything to hurt you again."

"Today is my birthday, and I guess we should use it as a fresh start, a new beginning. But if you ever do anything like that again, we will be finished, no matter how much it hurts to walk away from you."

"You have my word I’ll be true to you and only you."

She lay back down, tired but elated. "What's it like to run in the early morning sunshine?"

His face cracked into a smile, "There's nothing like it. Want to try?"

She nodded. "Pass me a robe."

He handed it to her, and turned his back while she pulled it on, her smile hidden from him. This new Beck was trying so hard to be the perfect mate, but she wanted to break down his defences, and make him want to ravish her with his body. Her stomach growled. First, she needed to eat, this whole changing thing certainly burnt up the calories.

They went down together, and ate some of the left overs from the party. Jenny was too impatient to try to change again to accept beck’s offer of a freshly cooked breakfast. It all tasted good, and they made a little picnic for themselves to eat outside in the warm air. Today was going to be another beautiful hot day; it would be good to run under the cool trees down to the stream.

She found herself smiling, a new chapter of her life was about to begin. This was the start of something new and exciting, made even more special by Beck being at her side. If only they could fill the gulf that stood between them, for they stuttered through polite conversation. Jenny wanted to ask him where he had been in the last few days, and when he had decided to ask her to marry him. However, she needed to concentrate on the change right now. The rest could wait.

"I'm ready," she said. They had taken everything back inside and tidied away most of the plates and glasses from the party. She would wash up when she returned. If she returned. That sneaky voice of doubt crept in, but she let it go, giving it no substance. Last night she had conquered the change, even though taken by surprise, this morning she was mentally prepared for what would happen.

Beck looked nervous, but she tried not to let it worry her. She could do this.

"Can you remember the feelings you had before you changed?"

"I was angry."

"Why?"

She looked at him, not knowing how much to share with him, but he couldn't help her if he didn't know the truth. "I was angry at you because you went away, and then you came back and proposed, but you were different, the spark's gone out of you."

Perhaps that was too much, because Beck stood staring at her with his mouth open just a little. Quickly recovering himself, he said, "You have to try and feel the same, and watch for when the change tries to take you. That is the point you have to remember, it's the key to being able to change when you want. Remember you have to control this."

"Should I take my robe off?" She didn't want to end up ruining any more of her clothes.

"Not yet, unless you want to." His eyes looked brighter, a sliver of emotion breaking through.

Slowly she undid the tie holding it together, and dropped the robe to the floor. Now completely naked, she had his full undivided attention. Glancing down she could see he still wanted her, the bulge in his pants making it obvious.

"Are you going to strip too?"

"Jenny, I..."

"What's the matter; scared you might not be able to control yourself? I thought you were good at this. I want you to teach me Beck, teach me in every way."

He growled, a deep sound emanating from him, giving her a thrill of excitement. "Let's concentrate on one thing at a time shall we?"

She smiled, more confident in herself, but her mood had shifted and to try to find the anger inside her was difficult, because she didn't want to feel bad about Beck. In fact, she would really enjoy him being with her, inside of her. She felt the shift inside herself.

"I can feel it," she said, excitement in her voice.

"Hold that feeling, let the anger take you slowly, and then try to back away from it."

She did as he said, letting the feeling of change take her, and then distancing herself from those thoughts. With a gasp, she staggered forward, elated. "I did it."

"Of course you did. You're a strong woman, Jenny."

Her heart beat rapidly, the fire in his eyes stroking her arousal. She wanted to run with him through the forest, feel the animal in her igniting her raw passion, and then fall to the ground a woman, to be claimed by her man. "I want to change now. Come with me."

His clothes were on the ground in an instant, she had to figure out how that side of things worked because he could move lightning fast when he wanted to, something she had never seen her parents do. Perhaps that was because they lived such a calm slow paced life. Or maybe you had to be a big predator to master it. Well she wanted Beck to prey on her body, but first she wanted to feel the exhilaration of running with him.

Taking a step back, not wanting to hurt him when she changed, Jenny let her gaze rake over his body, his arousal very visible. Allowing that feeling to take her, she pinpointed the exact moment the change started so she would learn to conjure it up at will. Trying not to freak out she allowed the world to shift, this time hoping to be aware of every moment of it. If she weren’t shocked or surprised by it, she would be able to embrace it fully.

There. The control she had lost the first time she changed was easier to maintain. The world was lost to her for that fraction of a second in that time she was nothing, before being pulled back together again.

Instantly she was off, feeling the earth disappearing beneath her feet as her strides ate up the ground. Behind her the bear followed, but there was no way he could keep up, at this moment she was better than him, faster than him, her other self giving her more confidence than at any time in her whole life. In her heart, and her feline body, she was smiling fit to burst; all her fears of being different were gone. She had spent her whole life being at odds with other people because of her body, now nothing mattered but the breeze in her face and the scent of the forest before her.

With little effort, she elegantly leaped over a fallen tree to land in the dapple shade of the forest edge. On a little further she ran, and then listened as the not so elegant bear crashed through the undergrowth. She didn't want to out run him; instead, she circled around and appeared beside him to nip him playfully on the neck. He snapped at her with powerful jaws, but she was too quick, and disappeared ahead of him again.

He snarled, but there was no chance he would catch her, not until she was ready. The forest was denser; she headed for the stream at the bottom of the valley, wanting to taste the fresh cold water with her feline tongue. As she slowed, the sounds of the forest came to her, small noises her human ears would never be able to hear, animals going about their business, and leaves rustling way up in the canopy.

Flopping down she put her front paws in the water, and lapped the clear liquid up. Then she rolled on her back, enjoying how different the earth felt to her like this. Not too far off, she could hear the bear approaching. Sitting up she tried to gather her thoughts, wanting to do this herself, to prove to herself she was in control. Picturing herself, she walked into the image, so much easier this time, her happy mood making it simple. She was not trying to fight her own thoughts, and the transition was smooth.