Too Much To Bear: BBW Shifter Romance (Shifters of Spellholm Forest - The Bears) (14 page)

"Do you want me to come with you Jenny?" her mom asked.

"No. It's fine mom, I'll go to him, he's my mate after all, right?" Although her voice carried no confidence.

"Yes honey, he is." She gave Jenny a hug. "Call me and I'll come get you when you're ready."

"OK. See you later," she said to her parents, hating the pity in their eyes too. It seemed Wes had shared more with them, than with her. Her heart felt heavy with dread, Beck must have gone looking for trouble. And it had found him. All she wanted to know was why. With everything else going on, he should have been more careful. No, more than that, he should have been home.

Jenny got in the truck and they drove wordlessly to the bar. There were so many questions she wanted to ask Wes, but she was afraid of his answers, and didn't want to cry in front of him. Luckily, the journey was short, and they were there before she managed to get herself in too much of a state.

Although when she got out of the truck, she had to hold onto the door for a moment as her knees felt weak. How badly hurt was he anyway?

"Jenny." Paris came out to meet her, offering her a hug, then they walked into the back of the bar together.

"What happened?" Jenny asked.

"I'm not entirely sure. Wes got a call from the police late last night. Luckily, Tom Dawson heard the call and headed over there. He managed to straighten things out without too many questions. We're not sure why Beck was there..."

"You mean what he was involved in?"

"Yes, Jenny I'm sorry. He won't say anything, only that he wants to see you, that's why Wes came to get you."

"Where is he?"

"Upstairs, I'll take you to him."

Paris took her up to the living quarters above the bar. "Do you want me to wait outside?"

"No Paris, I'll be fine. Or are you worried what I might do to him?" Jenny tried to smile, to make a joke out of it, but she felt betrayed by Beck, although she didn't know the full story yet. The past came back to her, the way he had treated her, the fact he had lived away for so many years, and she had no idea what he had spent his time doing. Drinking and whoring? No, she had to stop thinking like that for now. Give him a chance. "I'll come down when I'm ready to leave. My mom said she would pick me up."

"Wes will drop you back. But first, can we have a chat, if there's anything Wes or I can do."

"I will, thanks Paris." Then, before she could change her mind, she opened the door and went in to face her mate.

He sat with his back to her, looking out of the window, although the blind was half way down, allowing little light to come into the room. Her heart beat rapidly, but she summoned the courage to walk across the room to him. "Beck."

He didn't turn. "Thank you for coming." His voice sounded flat, impersonal.

A feeling of annoyance flitted over her. "What's going on Beck?"

"I've led you on. It was wrong of me."

"Led me on? What do you mean?" She wanted to sound stronger, but her voice was weak, her courage zapped by his words.

"This whole mate thing, it was a load of rubbish. You are not my mate."

"Don't talk like that."

"It's true." His voice was still devoid of emotion. It was the one thing that gave him away. The Beck he wanted to play didn't exist, he was pushing her away, but she didn't know why.

"Let me look at you."

"No, there's no point. Just go, make a life for yourself with a man that deserves you."

"Turn around and look at me. Tell me straight to my face, and I'll go."

His back straightened, and he turned, but kept to the shadows cast by the blind. "I told you a pack of lies so you would sleep with me. And it was so easy; you couldn't wait to feel loved by a man. It was a schoolgirl’s dream come true, I'll bet. The boy who was horrible to you at school declaring undying love."

"Tell me what happened, Beck."

"I've told you. I lied, and you fell for it, you're a damn fool."

"Tell me what happened last night. Or do I have to stand here and listen to this self pity all day?"

Silence, he didn't know what to say. Whatever he expected her reaction to be, this wasn't it. At that moment, she knew she was right; he was trying to push her away. "Are you telling me it would be easier to lose your mate forever, than be honest about what happened? What was it, cold feet?"

"No, I..."

"You're a coward, I get that. The big black bear frightened of settling down. Don't you think I am too? It scares the hell out of me. But I would never do anything stupid to threaten our future. But you did. Am I right?"

He turned back from her. "Just go, you deserve better."

She was in full flow now. "You bet I do. But I'm stuck with you. So you have to deal with it. What did you think; you could outrun your fate?"

"Don't you understand, I don't want that future, I don't want to be a farmer living in a cosy cottage next to your parents."

"Then what do you want? This is a partnership, Beck, so get used to it."

"You can't force me to be part of this, no one can."

"No, and you can't force me to abandon you because you're feeling ashamed of what you've done."

"You don't know what I've done."

"It doesn't matter, we all make mistakes."

"But I keep making them."

Beck turned around and face her, for the first time she caught a glimpse of his face. Her breath caught in her throat, he had taken one hell of a beating. "What happened?"

"I went looking for trouble, and I found it." He spat the words at her. "I also went looking for sex."

"And did you find that too?" Her voice barely more than a whisper. She had been wrong, it did matter what mistakes he made. To be unfaithful to your mate, it was the worst betrayal.

He lowered his eyes, and shook his head. "But I would have, if I hadn't gotten into a fight."

"I don't believe that."

"No? I am not a saint, Jenny, I told you, I'm no good. Get away while you can."

She stood frozen for some time, trying to process what he was saying. It didn't make sense, the way he had treated her since his return, and yesterday, when she was beginning the change, he was so concerned. No man could fake that, this went deeper. "You're scared."

"I have never been scared of anything in my life."

"But nothing has ever threatened you like this, has it?" She wanted him to tell her the truth, to share his fears with her. "You left when you changed, why did you come back Beck, were you running away from something else?"

"No." Yet his denial rang false.

"I know this is hard, but you are allowed to be afraid, but you have to talk to me. I'll ask my dad to back off. Why don’t you live here for a while, or leave, give yourself some time to get your head together."

"What if I don't want to? This is not the life I intended."

"What changed Beck?"

"Me. I drove away from you last night and realised how completely useless I'll be when you need me most."

"And you're afraid I'll find that out?"

His voice changed; dropping so low, she struggled to hear it. "I'm afraid of messing up, of losing you because I am not strong enough to help you."

"So running away is better. Leaving me is easier than failing at this?"

"I don't know. I look at Wes, and see how good he is for Paris, so protective. I don't know if I can do that."

"I think you've done a good job so far, and anyway, who says I can't protect myself."

"Exactly. Why would you want me when you are so good and strong? Yesterday only proved how weak I am."

"You're one mixed up son of a bitch you know."

"I know."

She went to him, sitting next to him, but not touching him. "Everyone gets cold feet. At least you've got yours now. If you really want to leave, then go. But be honest with yourself, and me, first. Tell me, am I your mate?"

He looked into her eyes with his one good eye; the left one was swollen closed. His voice was thick with emotion when he answered. "Yes you are my mate."

She placed a hand gently on his cheek, and kissed his lips lightly. "I love you Beck. Nothing you've said has changed that. If you really need to leave, then go."

She got up and walked out of the room, there was nothing more to say. She would never force him to stay, that wasn't the kind of person she was. Beck had to make his own mind up, and if that meant leaving, then she loved him enough to give him his life back. She was convinced neither of them could be happy apart, but he had to learn that for himself. No matter how long it took, she would be here waiting for him.

Jenny made it out of the room, and along the hallway before the tears started. Trying to stem the flow of sobs, she put her hand over her mouth, drowning the sound against her palm. She wanted her mom, but she would have to pull herself together first.

"Jenny?" Paris appeared, and without a word hugged her friend, guiding her away from Beck and out into the kitchen. "Shhh, calm down, he'll come round."

"Oh Paris, what happened? I thought we were doing so well. Last night we were making plans for the future, now it's all gone."

"I'll get Wes to knock a bit of sense into him," Paris said sitting her down in a chair, before putting the kettle on.

"No, thanks, but I want him to be with me for the right reasons."

"He's your mate, that is the best reason I can think of," Paris insisted.

"It's not enough. If he wants to leave, despite the pull of the bond between us, then I would rather he did. Neither of us will be happy if he's forced to stay."

Paris looked at Jenny, and smiled. "He would be a fool to let you go. There are not many women who would be strong enough to do that."

"Strong enough or stupid enough. I want him to be happy, Paris."

"Even if that means you being unhappy. I would call that love."

Jenny buried her head in her hands, fighting the next wave of tears. Yesterday her life had been perfect. Today, it lay before her in tatters. It would seem Beck was destined to hurt her for the rest of her life, just as he had before.

His pride would not let him take Jenny in his arms and beg her forgiveness. He expected her to be angry with him, to yell at him, and most of all to tell him he could not leave. That he could have dealt with. This was something different. She offered him his freedom.

Perhaps she was trying that reverse psychology thing on him again. He slumped back down on the bed, his face throbbing where too many fists had come into contact with it. Last night might possibly have been the greatest mistake of his life; it very nearly had cost him his life. How was he to know the woman offering herself to him behind the bar had a boyfriend. And that he would turn up just as she met him outside in the alley.

She had been all for it, skirt up, knickers halfway down. Ironically, he had realised what a big mistake he was making at the exact same time they had grabbed him. If not he would have been out of there, and no one would have known. Talk about fate being screwed up.

As it was he was caught off guard, they got a couple of good blows on his head before he began to defend himself. It could have been worse; he had been so close to changing, to allowing the bear to take control. He reckoned he had knocked at least three of them unconscious, but then the police arrived, and they were hauled off to the station.

Luckily, Tom had turned up and got him out of there. You have to love how shifters stick together, even if he now owed a debt to the local wolf pack. One day he would pay up, that's if he stayed around long enough.

Lying still, he could hear the sound of voices, and then Jenny crying again. Something inside of him wanted to pull him off the bed and march him right out there to make it better. That was the side he would have to fight constantly, day and night, if he didn't patch it up with Jenny. However, she might spend the rest of her life crying anyway if he stayed. He wasn't the type of bear that made good husband material. Selfish and self centred. She would be better off having her parents look after her. He would probably run the farm into the ground if they left him to it.

No, he thought resolutely. The best place for him was far away from here.

She hadn't seen Beck for days. Her coming of age was tomorrow, and from what she could get out of Paris, he had left town rather than face it with her. Left feeling a total wreck, she had hidden herself away, doing the work that needed doing, and then going to her room. At first, she had cried, now there was nothing left. Nothing except the world of fear and loneliness that awaited her.

With Beck gone, she would be sentenced to a life alone. Well, maybe that wasn't true. She might have their child to keep her company. A fatherless child. She doubted it could get any worse.

"Hey, there you are Jenny." Paris made her jump as she walked into the cattle shed.

Jenny had been painting the doors, lost in her own lonely world. "What can I do for you Paris?"

"I came to see you. I thought I would give you a hand getting ready for tonight."

"Tonight, oh, the dinner. I was going to slip an old pair of jeans on."

"No, you are not! You are going to make the effort to dress up, and put your face on. Don't you dare let that man of yours spoil this for you. He'll come round, and when he does you will regret not having a good time."

"He's left, Paris, gone."

"Jenny, face it, I am not taking no for an answer. Let's go get you showered, and open a bottle of wine, then I will work my magic."

"I didn't think make up was your thing."

Paris wrinkled her nose. "It's not, but I'm willing to experiment on you."

For the first time in days, Jenny smiled. "That makes me feel a whole lot better."

"At least if it doesn't turn out right you'll have an excuse to hide in your room."

"And I don't already?"

"No. Things aren't over between you and Beck. He simply needs time to work things out in his head. Men are like that you know. Terribly stupid where feelings are concerned. Especially bears."