To Dream Anew (16 page)

It had been over a year since the soldiers, and subsequently Zane, had found them at Little Big Horn. Over a year since Walks in the Dark had been able to hurt her physically. He still managed at times to hurt her emotionally, but the damage was less and less as time went by. Ardith was learning quickly how to push aside those memories. Dianne had talked to her about a verse in the Bible that spoke of taking thoughts captive.

Just as he took me captive, I will take captive those memories,
Ardith determined.
He cannot hurt me anymore
.

She kept telling herself that, but it was hard to accept it as fact. After all, she had no idea where Walks in the Dark had taken himself. He might have followed her here, although reasoning told her it wasn’t true. She would never have been worth that much to him. He’d only traded for her because she’d offended him by rejecting his advances. His forced marriage was only a means to inflict his anger and hostilities upon her.

“Mama … Mama,” Winona called.

Ardith smiled. The sixteen-month-old had only recently started talking. Ardith had actually worried that something was severely wrong with her daughter, but then without warning Winona began babbling. She now said
mama, doggy,
and
horsey,
although that came out sounding more like “sorsey.” There were a variety of other less understandable words, but Ardith knew it wouldn’t be long before Winona would make herself clear.

“She sure likes playing outside,” Levi said as he came up from behind.

Ardith jumped up. He’d startled her and she knew the fear was evident in her expression. She tried quickly to relax her face, but Levi was already apologizing.

“I’m sorry. I figured you might have heard me coming.”

“No. I was deep in thought.”

He smiled. “Good thoughts, I hope.”

“Thoughts of Winona are always good,” Ardith said. She pulled her heavy knit shawl closer. The weather had been warm of late, but one never knew when the bitter north winds would strike. This time, however, it wasn’t the cold that made her seek the wrap’s warmth.

She was nervous under Levi’s scrutiny. The man was handsome, there was no denying that, but his interest in her over the last year had made Ardith only too aware of what could never be.

“She’s such a strong and healthy girl,” Levi said, turning his gaze away from Ardith. “Pretty, too, just like her mama.”

Winona came running toward them, and to Ardith’s surprise, she threw herself at Levi’s legs. Rusty wasn’t far behind and began barking out greetings as he joined the trio. Levi laughed and lifted the child into the air. Winona giggled with glee as he tossed her high and caught her again.

Ardith tried not to let her discomfort overcome her. She worried that too much acceptance of Levi’s interactions with Winona might give Levi the wrong impression.

Levi held Winona in his arms and brushed back the blueblack hair from her face. “Are you having fun?”

“No!” Winona said enthusiastically.

That was her newest word and seemed to work interchangeably for acceptance or rejection of whatever came her way.

“No?” Levi asked, tickling her side. “Don’t you mean yes?”

“No!”

Ardith couldn’t help but smile. “That’s her new all-purpose word.”

He looked at her and grinned in that mischievous way that made her heart skip a beat. “Kind of like when everything was a doggy?”

Ardith felt her cheeks grow warm. “Yes,” she managed to say, but she found additional words were impossible.

“It’s going to turn cold,” Levi said, placing Winona on the ground. She immediately took off running, Rusty faithfully at her side.

“We’re moving the cattle to winter pastures day after tomorrow. I’ll be staying out all winter with Gabe and a couple of the other boys.”

Ardith nodded, not having any idea how to respond. She knew she’d miss him, but she also knew she couldn’t tell him that. She focused on her hands, hoping to steady her nerves.

“I’ll miss seeing you and Winona,” Levi said softly. “I know you probably don’t feel the same, but I’ve really enjoyed our few talks.”

Ardith knew she had to be firm and put an end to this. “Levi, you mustn’t care about me,” she said matter-of-factly. She looked up and met his dark brown eyes and gentle expression. Another woman—a less worldly woman—might easily lose herself in those eyes … those dark lashes … that sweet smile.

“Why can’t I care about you?”

“It isn’t fitting, and you know it.”

Levi turned to fully face her. “I don’t know anything of the kind. Are you interested in someone else?”

“No!” Ardith declared. She looked to where Winona was playing and tried to think of how best to explain herself. The truth seemed so evident, but apparently Levi didn’t understand. Maybe he didn’t realize the details of the past. They seemed out in the open for everyone as far as Ardith was concerned, but perhaps Levi, in his simplistic way, didn’t comprehend.

“Ardith, won’t you please talk to me and tell me why I can’t care for you and Winona?”

She licked her dry lips. “Levi, the past—my past—isn’t very good. I’m not … well … I’m not acceptable to a great many people.”

“Then those people are crazy.”

“No they aren’t. Don’t you see?” She shook her head and started to walk away, but Levi reached out and took hold of her arm. She looked up, fighting to hold back tears. “You have to understand the truth, Levi. Winona is my daughter—not by choice, but by force. I was forced into a marriage that I never wanted nor accepted.”

“An Indian marriage. So what? It doesn’t mean a thing.”

Ardith shook her head. “I’m not pure. I’m not worth your bother. I wouldn’t be accepted or wanted for any decent thing by other white men, and their reasoning is the way the rest of the world sees it too.”

“I don’t see it that way. Besides, no one has to know what happened to you.”

“They’ll see Winona and know. She’s my daughter, and I won’t deny her.”

“I’d never ask you to,” he said indignantly. “Besides, there are bound to be other people who feel the same way.”

“I seriously doubt it,” she said, looking back to the ground. “When my brother found me … well, the soldiers were so ugly. They thought I was Sioux and wanted me dead because of what the Indians had done to their friends. When they found out I was white, they all said I would be better off dead. I thought Zane was going to have to fight every last one of them.”

“I’d fight for you too.”

“Just being friends with me has probably already caused that very thing.”

“No, it hasn’t. Folks here are truly glad to have you back. They don’t think you’d be better off dead. You know, I was with Dianne quite a bit after you were lost. She blamed herself for not being quick enough to catch up with you. She felt so guilty… . I cared a great deal about her then, the same as she cares a great deal about you.”

“My family may be able to forgive the past—forgive Winona her heritage—but others won’t be that kind. Remember the soldiers who came here last summer? They wanted to take Winona.” She started walking to where Winona and Rusty were playing. Levi followed her step for step.

“You can’t run away from this. I want to be your friend. I’d like to be more than your friend. I’m leaving for the winter, and I’d like to know you’ll still be here come spring—that you’ll not give your heart to someone else.”

“I won’t be giving my heart to anyone,” Ardith stated without emotion. She lifted Winona into her arms and turned back to Levi. “I can’t let anyone bear the burden of loving Winona and me.”

“You don’t get to have any say over that, Ardith. You can’t be keepin’ a person from loving someone.”

“Yes I can. I must.” She began walking back toward the corrals, praying that Levi wouldn’t follow her.

“I don’t care!” he yelled after her.

Ardith hurried back to where he stood. “Don’t be so loud—everyone will hear you.”

He grinned. “I don’t care who else hears me so long as you hear what I have to say.”

Winona reached out for Levi, but Ardith pulled her away. “I don’t need to hear you to know that what you want is impossible. My past makes it impossible.”

“I don’t care about your past, Miss Chadwick,” he said, pulling her into his arms. Winona wriggled between them, but still he held them tight. “The past wasn’t your choice, but the future is.” With that he stunned Ardith by kissing her long and passionately.

When he let her go, Levi stared at her for a moment, his expression serious. “Maybe that will give you something to think about over the long lonely winter.” He walked away, leaving Ardith to watch after him. It was all she could do to keep from running after him.

When did I lose my heart to him? When did I let him break through the wall that I’d put around my heart?
She couldn’t begin to reason away what had just happened, and for once the tidy stoic life she’d made for herself was crumbling, as if on sinking sand.

“Papa!” Winona declared.

Ardith looked at her daughter in disbelief. Now was certainly no time to learn that word. No doubt Winona had picked it up from Dianne’s children.

“Hush, baby,” Ardith said, pulling her daughter close. “Levi’s not your papa. He can’t be your papa.”

Morgan Chadwick stood up and surveyed the area around him. Below him a large waterfall swirled and plunged into the heart of a valley too beautiful to imagine. Tall pines lined the canyon walls, seemingly growing right out of the granite itself. This area, called Mount Lookout to some and Prospect Point to others, was fast becoming a favorite for visitors. Ever since President Grant set this land aside for a national park in 1872, Morgan had watched people flock to this view. There was even talk of establishing a viewing platform, but he hoped they wouldn’t disturb the natural beauty by placing human touches on the scenery. It was magnificent in its purity and perfection, and he loved it like he loved no other land.

All of his life Morgan had felt called to explore unknown territories. He’d read with great interest the exploits of Lewis and Clark as they’d traveled the Missouri River to explore the Louisiana Purchase. With every book or paper he could lay his hands on, Morgan had known an exhilarating thrill of discovery. He’d even taken up reading accounts of John Jacob Astor’s Pacific Fur Company and the founding of Astoria, along with accounts from other explorers like Nathaniel Wyeth and Joseph Walker. In fact, Morgan still wanted to go west to California and see the giant sequoias that Walker spoke of on his journey in 1833.

He’d once tried to talk his twin brother, Zane, into setting up their own exploration company. “We could work for the government,” he told his brother with great enthusiasm. “We could go into the unknown territory and create maps and lead parties for those who wanted to study the terrain.”

But Zane had shown no interest. He had agreed with his brother that going west sounded like a great plan, but not to work for the government or anyone else. But when they’d finally come west on the wagon train from Missouri, Zane had ended up with the government after all.

Funny,
Morgan mused,
Zane never seemed like the soldier type. I can’t imagine his taking orders from anyone and living with such strict regulations. I could never live like that
.

But Morgan was glad for the army nevertheless. The Indian conflicts had brought trouble to the Yellowstone area. Only a few months earlier, in August, the Nez Perce had stormed through, taking hostages and killing and wounding many of the visitors who’d come to see the park.

Morgan had been with his partners, Jackson DeShazer and Marley Turnquist, in a southern section of the park. They’d been finishing up a summer of mapping when word came that there was Indian trouble in the area.

The Nez Perce hadn’t stayed long, and by the time the men had returned to lend their aid and arms, the Indians had moved on to the east. Naturally, most of the visitors had been greatly discouraged and horrified at what had happened. After all, they’d seen some of their companions slain and their camps and supplies stolen. These were troubled times, Morgan reasoned, but problems were bound to come and go. People couldn’t expect to come to such an isolated, exotic location and not face some kind of hardship. Why, he’d endured blizzards and earthquakes, Indians and tourists. There was always some challenge to be met.

Morgan sighed. He hated to leave the grandeur of this place, but he’d promised Jackson he’d be back to camp by nightfall. They were to make a decision by the end of the week as to where they would winter. Already snow had fallen on the mountains and the temperature had dropped. It wouldn’t be long before the entire area was covered in a thick blanket of white, and by that time Marley hoped to have his crew settled elsewhere.

“But where?” Morgan wondered aloud.

Heading back down to his camp and horse, Morgan was reminded of the distance in time and miles from his family. He’d been a poor correspondent. Time just had a way of slipping by without his notice. He would completely forget the days of the week, and if it weren’t for keeping meticulous records, he might not even realize the months.

But just as quickly as family came to mind and Morgan determined in his heart to write, a whiff of pine or the scent of grizzly drew him back into the hypnotic spell of Yellowstone and he again forgot his obligations. It was as if the wilderness took possession of him. He couldn’t explain it—he didn’t even try. This was home, and no other place felt the same.