Tivi's Dagger (23 page)

I sighed. “It is not, certainly.”

“
So all you have to do is consider the
path we take tomorrow, and at its fork you should ask yourself one
question: If I had the choice, which would I take? For it’s not
love that’s making you unhappy, but duty. You and Brindar are more
alike than you care to imagine.”

We lay together in silence as I digested her
words. She was right, of course — what was stopping me from running
to the bath house at that very moment? Naught but some sort of
twisted pride and the shame of having treated Kari so despicably.
But he was with Kel and I did not want to have such a conversation
in front of my cousin. I vowed to speak to Kari alone before we
concluded our journey to try and resolve the issue. Perhaps he
would come to Lis with me after all, if only I could persuade him
that Azmara was a place worth living in. It was not unheard of for
married nobles to have their true lovers living in the marital home
as “servants” or “butlers”. Now that Sardar Pol was in his grave,
perhaps the death penalty for “unnatural liaisons” would be
repealed.

The death penalty.
What was I thinking? It had been enshrined in the Divine Laws
of Lis long before Pol, and most likely would remain so after him
as well. But there had to be a solution. Didn’t Lana tell me one
time in our beach hut over a few carafes of wine, some dwarven
Cautionary Tale about an indecisive unfortunate who dwelt upon his
missed opportunities so much that they became shrieking bats that
attacked and devoured his very flesh? I couldn’t remember. Before I
could deliberate upon the matter further, she spoke.

“
Talking of your brother…”

“
What of him?”

“
Unexpectedly, I have grown quite fond
of the man as the time has passed. Engaging him in conversation has
become less of a chore and more pleasurable by the day. Do you
think he’ll go back to the Protectors, or take some other
path?”

I grinned despite myself. “Some other
path…leading to your bed?”

“
Perhaps,” she said, with a coy
smile.

“
Brin has been a priest for more than
twenty years, and in his heart for much longer than that. I don’t
think even you — gorgeous, intelligent, and vigorous in bed as you
are — could tempt him away from the Protectors.”

She sighed. “Merely vigorous? How about
inventive, skilled with carvings, and well-acquainted with
techniques of pleasure acquired from the pirate masters themselves?
No matter. Your brother remains a virgin, most likely to be
pleasured to great heights through a few simple flicks of the
wrist. But his heart is the prize I am inclined to seek, and I can
but try.”

“
Lana,” I groaned, turning over and
plumping the pillow beneath my head. “There are things a man does
not need to know about his brother.”

We left it at that, for night was almost
upon us and we had still a long way to travel.

Chapter 10

The next morning I released my cousin from
donkey duty and saw to the beast myself, glad to be away from the
others so my mournful mood did not infect the party. I stroked the
beast’s bristly neck and fed him some greens, then strapped our
gear to his back. The mundane tasks rested my mind and when I heard
a greeting behind me I almost leapt out of my skin.

“
Good morning, brother.”

Brin stood in the doorway, head cocked to
one side, watching me. “Fourth time lucky,” he said with a wry
smile. “It seems there is no one to oppose me now, feckless family
or not.”

“
So you’ll finally get your chance to
be leader of the Protectors,” I said, straightening up. “I can
think of no better candidate for the job.”

He picked idly at a splinter on the door
frame. “Yet the strangest thing has happened. I find that now the
chance to lead has finally presented itself, I am not sure I wish
to take it anymore.”

“
Why not?”

To my surprise, my brother’s cheeks darkened
in a blush. “I have of late realized that there are many other ways
to serve the Gods, and different ways to live that I’d never
considered before. When we embarked upon this pilgrimage, I was
almost crazed with a thirst for revenge and was ready to march into
the camp of any warlord just to see Pol burn. But no matter how
much you want to cling to the hurt, you will eventually begin to
heal. By the time we got to the second temple I was already riddled
with doubts and regrets, and resolved upon completion of our
pilgrimage, to bring the Treaty back to where it belonged — as a
relic in the Protector’s museum. Now that Pol has gone, there are
many younger men than me in the Protectors now eager to lead, and
perhaps it is time for new things. For them, for me, for all of
us.”

A shadow crossed my mind as I contemplated
his words.

“
Now,” he said. “Let us get ready to
leave this inn. We have a wedding to prepare for. I’m sure you’ll
be as excited as I am to find which lady Father has selected to be
your bride.”

“
I’m sure,” I murmured, as he stepped
out into the sunshine and left me in the darkness of the
stable.

Chapter 11

Our journey with Kari ended where it began,
at the foot of the carved stairs to the monastery where he had
spent most of his life and intended to spend the remainder of it,
if I did not speak my mind soon. But my throat ached with the lump
that had lodged there since we left Kalati town. My gaze had not
left Kari’s back the whole journey forth, and I remembered Lana’s
words with some trepidation.

Your abiding memory of this pilgrimage will
not be your brief glimpse into the mind of the fae, or the
beautiful dragon, the awesome peak of Thar Mati nor any other
spectacular thing we have seen, but the sight of your lover’s back
as he walks away, for he will not follow you to Lis.

The moss-bedecked statue of Matativi stood
over us, dagger tucked away, glass bowls of fresh blue flowers at
her feet. I felt as if her blind eyes were berating me as I paced,
watching Kari sort through his pack to make sure he had not
inadvertently taken any of our things. It seemed that he was
laboring over such a brief task — perhaps he was waiting for me to
speak. Or perhaps it just did take a very long time to roll up his
spare vestments, as he was now doing for the second time. Falthros
and Kit were lingering and I was beginning to feel desperate to be
free of their priestly presence. Perhaps in the course of their
careers they themselves had taken the heads of those caught in
“unnatural liaisons” and I glared resentfully at the symbol of
crossed and bloodless swords on their breastplates.

They looked up at the statue with idle
interest, making remarks about its size and appearance much as we
had done ourselves when we had seen it for the first time,
oblivious to the currents of tension and other emotions swirling
around in the air around them.

Lana glared at them, impatience written all
over her face.

“
Well?” she barked
eventually.

“
Well what?” replied Falthros, shaken
from his theological musings by her sudden demand.

“
Well, why don’t you two go and wait
somewhere else? We would like to say goodbye to our wonderful guide
in privacy.”

“
As you wish, my lady,” he replied,
and led his partner some yards away where they sat down on a grassy
bank and stretched their legs out.

My brother heaved his pack to the ground and
pulled Kari into a stiff embrace.

“
We may not have seen eye to eye on a
great many things,” Brin said. “But it has been a blessing to
travel with you, and I want to thank you once more for all you’ve
done for us in keeping us safe along the way.”

Kel’s eyes were brimming with tears as he
joined in the hug. “You’ve been an inspiration to me in my studies,
Kari. I’ll never forget your kindness, nor your wisdom.”

And Lana made four. “The best and most
handsome guide I’ve ever had,” she said, wrapping her arms about
Kari’s waist. Close up, the top of her head only came up to his
shoulder. “I hope you’ll be brave enough to be happy.”

Kari looked both overwhelmed and squeezed to
the point of breathlessness. “It was my pleasure,” he said with a
wince as the hugs tightened for a moment, then loosed. “I thank
Matativi for the opportunity she has given me to travel with you
and to know you. We have seen some wondrous things, have we
not?”

And then he smiled, one of those genuine
smiles full of life and joy that made his cheeks dimple. By the
Gods, I had missed the sight so much. I remembered how his face had
lit up when he plucked the snail from underneath the thick leaf up
at the Vanishing Lake, and readied me for that silly, wonderful
race. That afternoon had been one of the happiest of my life, and
all I’d had were the clothes on my back, the sunshine on my skin,
and a few strips of dried fish to gnaw for my afternoon meal.

And Kari.

Of course I was in love with him. Why had I
ever tried to deny it to myself? Since that night by the river I’d
been wretched with it, as if a wave had swept me into a warm and
thickened sea I could not navigate. For a time I’d feared I might
drown fighting its strong current, but I realized the only way to
combat the fear was to let go of the ropes that tied me to the
shore.

Kari turned to me to say goodbye. I looked
into his blue eyes that were filled with hurt and trepidation and
it almost killed me to think I had put those feelings there. I
found I did not care if I never saw the Duck and Swan again, nor my
friends there. I had been more content to sleep on a hard and dirty
floor with Kari beside me than I had ever been with all my
forgotten lovers in the sumptuousness of my own bed.

I took him in my arms and he buried his face
in my shoulder.

“
I am sorry for whatever I did to you.
I hope you’ll have a happy marriage in Azmara. May Tivi’s dagger
wound cleanly, my brother.”

It was the first time he had ever addressed
me so, and it was like a punch in the stomach. My throat was thick,
so much so that I could barely speak. I breathed in the scent of
his hair, barely able to believe he would walk away. My voice came
out as a whisper. “Don’t leave me, Kari.”

He pulled free of my embrace and looked at
me with great sadness. “Our road has come to a fork and we have
both made our choices, Nedim.”

The sound of Kel’s snuffling filled the air
as Kari pulled his pack onto his back, gave us a sad little wave,
and began to climb the steps toward the monastery.

Lana kicked me on the shin. “Is that it?
You’ve truly chosen your path? Then I’m sorry for you, Ned.”

It was then that I felt it at last. Tivi’s
dagger, poisonous and sharp, poked into my guts and threatened to
spill them over the earth for my stupidity. It was a real, physical
pain that grew with each moment my former lover was gone from me,
and I could not imagine going another step unless it was to follow
him. I slumped to the ground, suddenly weary with despair.

“
Go on without me. I don’t want to
talk to anyone.”

“
Ned,” Lana began, obviously
exasperated.

“
What’s this now?” Brin interrupted,
blocking the sun from my eyes. He cocked his head and glared at me.
“Are you going to dither at this statue’s feet for all eternity? We
must get moving, lest the sun set while we are on the border path,
for there are bandits lurking around it at night, as well you
know.”

“
I’m not going.”

As I uttered the words, the knotted feeling
in my guts began to release. I took a deep breath of fresh mountain
air which seemed to infuse me with a dizzying sense of power.
Control over my life, in my own hands. It didn’t have to be just a
fantasy.

“
What do you mean, you’re not going?
Where will you go instead? You have a duty to fulfill, and Father
will be waiting.”

I looked up at him. “You have done your duty
all your life, brother, yet it brought you only to your knees. And
more to the point, when did it ever make you happy?” Suddenly
bursting with resolve, I got to my feet. “I do not wish to marry
some stranger, and what’s more, I refuse to do it. If you do not
rejoin the Protectors, then as older brother you will become the
heir and Father always wished it were so, as well you know.”

“
What madness is this?” Brin said,
clearly horrified. “If I do not rejoin the Protectors then I will
remain apostate and Father will have no heir at all.”

“
Father will have his heir. It can be
done with the minimum of fuss, if you find the right lawmaker and
grease the right palms. The oldest male relative who has no father
of his own may assume the mantle.”

We turned to look at Kel, who was busy
drying his tears on the end of his braid. My cousin’s eyes widened
with obvious alarm and his mouth dropped open almost comically.
“What? I…what? Assume what mantle? Your title, Ned? By the Gods, if
you’re telling me I must live with your father and all his
tailoring women, then please have mercy!”

“
He is not so bad,” I said, smiling
despite myself. “In any case, you may bear witness to this fact
now. I renounce my claim to the Melchion title and fortune and I
will be heir no longer. Do you hear me? I renounce it all! I want
nothing from Father, nor do I need his money. If he is so keen on
arranging a wedding then he can marry the wench
himself.”

“
By the Thirteen,” Brin whistled.
“What a mess you leave me with once more, Ned.”

“
You said it yourself, brother, back
there in the stable. Perhaps we all need new things in our lives.
And I’ve found what I need. He’s walking up those steps right now
and I am not going to let him go without a battle. Your friends
there may wish to take my head for it, but we are not yet in Lis so
they can stay their swords.”