This Trust of Mine (11 page)

Standing
there, staring at this beautiful creature in front of me, just made it all the
more clear that she did in fact deserve better. She deserved a guy who wouldn't
leave her behind because of some stupid scholarship. She deserved a man, and
finding out what I did tonight, just proved how much of a man I wasn't.

In the short
amount of time that I had come to know this amazingly beautiful young woman, I
knew she would be my world. The realization of that wasn't hard to miss, but my
actions had shown her otherwise. I needed her to feel loved, to know what it
was like to have someone never let her down and be there regardless of the
consequences.

As her
hooded blue eyes caught sight of mine, I knew she could tell what I was
contemplating. I needed to do this now. I needed her to know that I was willing
to sacrifice us, if it meant that she would be happy.

"Kayla,
I need you to know somethin'."

She looked
perplexed and I knew what I was about to say, would break her heart just as it
would break mine. "What is it?"

I began
toeing the dirt with my boot before responding. I didn't want to tell her, I
didn't want her to feel as though I was abandoning her. "I want us to
start over. I know what this may sound like to you, but I need you to
understand. I need you to feel as though you can trust me, I need you to know how
much I care. Maybe we rushed this thing between us. After everything that has
happened, I can't have you second guessing my feelings for you." I took
her hand in mine before gently placing my lips to the palm of it. "I need
to prove to you that I deserve your trust. So, I think maybe we should just go
back to being friends. See where that takes us." Her hand slipped from
mine and I caught a glimpse of sheer horror and panic cross over her face.

"You
know what?"

Oh shit,
here it comes. I was prepared for this. If she needed to unleash all of her
pent up frustration on me, I was going to let her. It was the least I could do.

"You're
right. Let's start over. As much as I don't want to, I think maybe it's the
wise thing to do. I need to find a way to forgive you, to trust you again. So
as your friend, I'm asking you to give me some time. To deal with it all of
this, I suppose."

I was
confused and taken back. Her reaction wasn't at all what I was expecting. I was
expecting hurt, anger, despair, anything but understanding, because in all
actuality, this isn't what I wanted. I was doing this for her, and apparently
this was exactly the out she needed.

"Kayla,
please tell me we can still see each other and, I dunno, hang out?"

"Of
course, Madison."

And there
she was, the cold unpleasant Kayla, not the one I had grown to love so quickly
and without apology. With those three little words and the loss of my nickname,
she was gone. I had managed to alienate her enough that she had reverted back
to her old self. The girl who guarded herself like Fort Knox, not letting a
single soul in. The girl who I once saw my future with, walked right out the
door that I so willingly held open for her. I brought this upon myself, and now
I was goin' to have to deal with the consequences.

I reached
out for her, the now vacant Kayla. I could see it in her face. She had quickly
gone from open and loving to shut off and held captive by her past. I could
tell she didn't want to be touched, but I needed to feel her against me at
least one last time. I needed her warmth, her love, hell I just needed her.

"Kayla,
please just let me hug you one last time."

I pushed my
fingers back through my hair before replacing my ball cap back on my head while
she took her time answering. "I just can't, Madison. I'm sorry. I'll see
ya around cowboy."

And just
like that, on the darkest day imaginable a ray of sunshine broke through a
crack in the dark thunderous clouds. Hope maybe? I guess in time we would see,
because as of this very moment, I was goin' to do everything in my power to win
back the only girl I ever saw a future with.

I watched
her disappear into the darkness at the end of the hill. I waited until I knew
she was safe inside before heading back to the house. Despite what she may
believe, I was goin' to make sure nothin', not even that piece of shit of an
ex, could hurt her ever again. Whether she knew it or not, she was mine. She
always would be, and nobody messes with what's mine.

****

I got next
to no sleep and when I headed down to the kitchen at the ass crack of dawn, I
really wasn't prepared to deal with the rash of shit that I knew my
grandparents were about to deal me.

I had come
back yesterday, dropped my shit off and headed out to find Kayla. There was
nobody and nothin' that could have stopped me, but now I was faced with a very
angry man and hostile woman who regardless of their age, could take me out in a
second if given the chance.

"Good
mornin'." I half-whispered as I headed straight for the coffee pot.

"Boy,
you've got some explainin' to do. Like what in god's name are ya doin' back in
this god forsaken place?"

I turned and
caught sight of my grandfathers "death" stare and promptly rethought
my explanation. There was no way he would understand that I came back for the
"James Girl" as he would call her, so it was time I took a different
approach.

"It's
good to see ya too sir." I finished pouring my coffee then proceeded with
caution over to the dining room table. "Look, I don't want there to be any
hostility between us and if you don't want me stayin' here, I totally
understand, but I came back for the sake of family." It wasn't all a lie.
"You've always told me that family comes first, well I'm puttin' family
first. I'm still in school. I transferred to Texas A&M on a full scholarship
and I have every intention of workin' around here for ya. Y'all are the only
semblance of a family I have left and I'm not willin' to give that up just to
get out of Texas." I sat back amazed at how I had just handled myself in
front of my grandfather. Although I wasn't so sure how he was taking it,
because he hadn't said a single word and the look on his face was definitely
not one of approval.

"Well,
I for one am over the moon excited to have ya back. I've missed you so
much." My grandmother's small voice broke through the cloud of angst
quickly and effectively. She grabbed my hand in hers and gave a tight squeeze
before kissing me on the cheek. "Welcome home, son." She whispered
and suddenly all felt right, for the first time in a long time.

I glanced up
at my grandfather over the lip of my coffee cup and caught sight of, holy shit,
a smile? I hadn't seen my grandfather smile in what felt like a million years.

"Glad
to have ya home boy." He tipped his mug towards me before excusing himself
from the table and headin' out back.

I sat back
in shock. I was thoroughly expecting a tongue lashing that would go down in
history. And then I smiled, a wide genuine smile. My family may only consist of
me and my grandparents, but it was all the family this cowboy needed.

I excused
myself a half hour later, after havin' a long talk with my grams about
everything that was goin' on. She was the only one I trusted enough to not
judge or belittle me. She had taken her role as my fill-in-mother very
seriously and now that her "son" was in love and had no clue what to
do about it, she was elated to help me figure it all out.

I made my
way out to my truck, remembering the advice that she had spoken. She told me to
do the little things that a woman needed to see. Be there for her, as a friend,
and never ever judge her for the choices she was makin' or would make. She also
told me that with a little time and proving to Kayla that I could be just her
friend, that I would slowly win her over. Well, here's to hopin', I guess.

After
stoppin' by the college to meet my coaches and find where all my classes were,
I was slowly coming to the realization that college ball wasn't what I really
wanted. I'd gone over it at least a thousand times before, but I was finally
realizing that I wanted to sing. My one true passion over the years had always
been mine and Glenn's little garage band.

The way I
felt on the mound in front of hundreds of people, paled in comparison to how I
felt when I was in front of a hundred people singing. Something about it was freeing
and I could be myself with no judgment or risk of failure. We already had a
small following and that's all I could ask for when it came to my music. I did
it for the love of putting my feelings out there in a truer form than I could
have ever imagined. I did it because the feeling of being able to hang out with
my friends and make people happy was all I needed. It didn't hurt knowing that
Kayla seemed to enjoy seein' me up there all vulnerable and exposed.

And then it
clicked. I knew what I needed to do, and now was as perfect time as any.

Kayla

Part of me
didn't want to get out of bed this morning. The sun sat high and heavy and
though I could hear the happy chirps of the birds outside, all I wanted to do
was curl up and die. The thought of Madison with another woman was killing me.
When those words left his sweet kissable mouth, I wanted to run and hide.

How could I
have been so stupid to think that I could ever be enough for him? He was older,
not by much, but still he needed things that I wasn't able to give from
hundreds of miles away. But as much as I was devastated and yearning for him to
say it wasn't true, nothin' compared to the look on his broken face when I told
him what happened with Wren. I had never seen love so deep and so strong, until
I saw the adoring look in his eyes when I opened up and exposed myself for him.
In that instant, I fell head over heels in love with that man. And just when I
was about to tell him how much I loved him, how much I need and want him in my
life, he decided to drop a nuclear bomb, leveling me to my core. He no longer
wanted me like I wanted him, and now here I stood in nothing more than my
panties and bra wondering how anyone would ever be able to love me.

The face in
the mirror staring back at me was blank and vacant. Where there once was a
happy, caring, beautiful girl, now stood a sad, soulless semblance of a being.
I was empty and there wasn't anything anyone could do to change what had
transformed me into this last night.

Part of me
held onto the hope that he would try to win me back. That he would go out of
his way to prove me wrong, to show me that I could trust him regardless of the
situation. I wanted it so bad, I could taste it and that was what I needed to
hold onto until the very last bit of hope was stripped from my dead cold hands.

"Kayla
Anne, you're gonna be late if you take a minute longer up there."

"Coming
Gran."

Ugh, I so
wasn't in the mood for school today. If it wasn't the first week, I would just
ditch and hang out in what I know considered our spot, all day. The one place
that had meant the world to me and then was turned gray, had once again come
back to be my most favorite place. I only wanted to be there, with him.

I pulled on
a pair of cut off jean shorts and a red tank top before pulling on my boots and
runnin' down the stairs to the sweet aroma of coffee. I almost fell over myself
when I caught sight of Madison sitting at my kitchen table with my gran. I'd
swear I was dreamin' if I hadn't just racked my knee on the banister as I came
barreling down the stairs like a bull in a china shop.

I quickly
righted myself, pulling my tank top down in place, hoping that I still looked
somewhat decent. I hadn't put much effort into my appearance this mornin', but
Madison was also the last person I expected to see this morning.

"Wh-
what are ya doin' here?" I gave him a cross look as I made my way to the
coffee pot.

"What,
friends can't give friends a ride to school?"

My heart
soared just knowin' he cared enough to give me a ride thinkin' I didn't have
any other way of getting there. Visions of runnin' over to where he sat to
straddle him and kiss the shit out of him flashed through my mind. I shook my
head tryin' to dislodge the very "un-friendlike" thoughts. Friends
Kayla, he wants to be your friend.

"Well,
actually, I have a truck now." I hadn't intended on saying it, I swear. I
was actually really looking forward to ridin' the twenty minutes it took to get
to school with him within reaching distance. Shit! I had almost forgotten about
Joey. "And, I have to pick up Joey on my way." My face flushed and I
ducked down to take a sip of my coffee. I wasn't exactly sure how Madison was
going to feel about me and Glenn's little brother hanging out.

"Joey?
As in Glenn's brother Joey?"

I could hear
the faint sound of jealousy and I smiled internally. Regardless of what he said
last night, he still cared.

"Yes,
one in the same." I smiled just to egg him on a little bit.

"Well,
that's okay. We'll grab him on the way. Let's get goin' so you aren't late."

My eyes shot
up to his and I could tell by his sly smirk, that he was enjoying this far too
much. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with joy and fear all at the same
time, fear for Joey not me.