This Regret (17 page)

I turn my attention away from her to get a peek at Kellan. He’s still
standing there talking to Martin, but his eyes are on me, watching me closely. Even when he notices me looking, his eyes don’t shy away. He has no shame at being caught staring at me. I can’t seem to turn away either. I’ve only had him back for a few days and already, I’m addicted.

* * *

By the end of my shift, I am exhausted and just ready to get home and crash. The girls hung around for a couple of hours, talking about Jamie’s fight with her boyfriend and ever so slyly, bringing up Kellan every chance they got. To be honest, I was happy to see them leave. I couldn’t take any more worrying if Kellan was going to creep up and hear our conversation anymore. It was exhausting.

I was glad to see Kellan ended up being a great bartender, after all. He seemed to be very experienced with making drinks and he even showed me a few new ones. I could get used to having someone that actually wants to work help out around here. Too bad, it would never work out. He’ll probably never step foot into this bar again.

While in the office counting down the cash, I notice that the drawer is over by almost a hundred dollars. I count it for a second time just to come up with the same exact amount.

Standing up, I push my way through the door to see Kellan standing in front of the jukebox. He has one hand out in front of him, against the jukebox, while the other is scanning through the music selection.

I want to say something, but there’s just something about the way he’s standing there, with his hair hanging over his scruffy face and his shoulder blades protruding against the thin fabric of his shirt, that is too beautiful to interrupt. Watching him has my heart hammering in my chest.

Finally, he picks a song and
Simple Man
by Lynyrd Skynyrd starts playing over the speaker. He takes a step back, closes his eyes, and bites his bottom lip, looking lost in the moment.

My heart aches as I watch him. He takes a deep breath before bending forward, placing both of his hands on the jukebox and squeezing, head hanging low, clenching his jaw.

This was one of Adric’s favorite songs. I used to sit there in the attic next to him, while he played this song and sang it aloud. He would always tell me to be sure to find a simple man and I never really understood what he meant by that. I’m still not so sure I understand now, but it still eats at my heart every time I hear this song.

“Fuck! This damn song.” He pounds his fist against the jukebox before taking a step back and slowly rubbing his hands over his face. That’s always been his way of covering his emotions and hiding. It always broke my heart to see him that way. Apparently, from the way my heart is faltering and my stomach is knotting up, it still does.

I swallow the lump in my throat and walk over to stand next to him. Holding out the money, I ask, “Is this your tip money?”

He swallows and takes a step closer to me, as if just now noticing me in the room. “It’s yours. I don’t want it.” He places his hands to my shoulders and rubs his thumbs over them, while breathing heavily. “I helped out tonight because I wanted to, not because I need the money.”

Pulling away from him, I shake my head and shove the money into his chest. “I can’t keep this money, Kellan. You worked your ass off tonight.” He pushes my hand back, but I don’t budge. I won’t. “Take the money. You deserve it.”

He finally holds his hand out and allows me to place it in his hand. “You’re still just as stubborn as ever. Do you know that?” He shoves the money into his pocket and smile
s, as if he knows something I don’t. Then he walks away and into the office.

“Wait a minute. What was that smile for?” I follow behind him and watch as he wraps the money up and writes down the numbers for the night. “Are you seriously going to do everything for me?”

He looks up giving me a serious look. “I would if I could, Phoenix.” His eyes darken before he finally looks away. “I’m taking you to your car. I’ll be ready in a few.”

“My mother is supposed to pick me up when I call her.” I walk around and help as he starts turning off the lights and games. “I just need my keys and my purse.”

He brushes past me and heads for the door. “Don’t call your mom. I’m taking you for a ride.” He smiles, holds the door open and waits for me to follow him outside. “Do you usually do this alone at night?”

I shrug my shoulders as I stick the key into the lock and turn. “Yeah, usually. Once in a while someone else is here, but most of the time it’s just me.”

He leans his head back and sucks his bottom lip in frustration. “I’m gonna have to put a stop to that shit. What the hell are they thinking, leaving a beautiful . . .” He takes a deep breath and exhales. “They shouldn’t be leaving you alone at two in the morning to close up a bar. You could easily get robbed or hurt.”

My heartbeat pounds in my ears as I try to hide the blush that is creeping over my face. If I heard him correctly, then he was calling me beautiful. I would’ve given anything in the past to hear that from his lips.

“So . . .” I look around the parking lot in search of his motorcycle, but all I see is a big, black, Chevy Silverado truck, rocky ridge style. “Is this beauty yours?” I point my thumb toward the truck and smile.

He rubs his hands together before placing his hand on the small of my back and walking me to it. “Hell yeah, it is. You know how I always wanted a lifted truck.” He opens the truck door and before I can say anything, he has his hand on my ass, boosting me up and into the truck. “Watch your head, sweet tits,” he teases.

I slap his arm and surprisingly it hurts my hand. “What the hell are you packing under there?”

He glances down to the natural bulge in his jeans and smiles mischievously. “It’s a secret,” he whispers. “A huge one. So big that I can never tell you. It’s mind blowing and orgasmic.” He lifts an eyebrow and closes the door to his truck.

“Ha! Very funny, smart ass.” I lean my head against the cold, leather seat and squirm from his words. That’s a secret I would kill to know. Even though it’s kind of disturbing, I find myself wondering if it’s bigger than Kade’s. I’m dirtier than I thought I was.

I try not to look at him as he gets in and shuts the door behind him. “You’re still a smart ass I see, so maybe you haven’t changed much over the years.”

His hand grips the steering wheel and tightens as he puts the key into the ignition and turns. “I don’t know about that, Phoenix. It’s a little too soon to judge, don’t you think.”

Exhaling, I turn the other way to face the window
. There are so many things I want to say and so many questions to ask, but I can’t. Not just yet, at least. As much as I know I should stay away, I can’t deny the fact he makes me want to do exactly the opposite.

We’re driving for a good ten minutes
before finally, I realize we’re nowhere near where my car is parked. “Umm, where are we going? My car is at the park, remember?”

He looks distressed and his hands are shaking on the steering wheel. That’s when I
take a closer look and see we are outside the woods of our secret hangout.

He parks the truck and turns off the ignition. I try to speak, but I can’t. This place brings nothing but heartache for me. I can’t be here right now. I can’t. The bad memories of that day will forever overpower the good ones.

“I had to come here.” He swallows hard and stares out into the blackness of the night. “Just one last time, at least. I’ve missed this place and everything that’s happened here.”

Panic sets in and my breathing is
almost uncontrollable. All I can picture is me, sitting alone in the woods, staring off like a zombie with tear streaked eyes. The feeling numbs me, taking over my body and my mind, causing my throat to close and my chest to tighten.

“What’s wrong?” Kellan leans over and quickly unbuckles my seat belt. “Are you having some kind of panic attack? Breathe.” I feel his arms wrap around my waist before I am pulled out of my seat and into the comfort of his lap, his eyes searching mine. “Can you breathe?”

No, especially not now. Thanks a lot.

I just stare at him as he places his hands on either side of my face before running his hand down my neck, gently brushing over my bare skin and placing it over my heart. Both
s of our breath quickens as he brings his eyes up to meet mine and keeps them there for what seems like an eternity.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that being here would have such
an effect on you. I figured you’ve been coming here over the years. It’s always been your favorite place.”

I pull my eyes away and take a deep breath through my nose and exhale. He pulls his hand away from my heart when he notices my breathing beginning to slow down. “I’m such a jerk, Phoenix. I should have asked you first. I just had to see it and I didn’t want to come alone. It wouldn’t feel right.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I lower my head and place it in my hands. “No. No, you’re not a jerk,” I manage to breathe. “You couldn’t have known. How could you?” You’ve only been gone for eight years without even a single phone call to check on us. “It’s okay.”

I shift in hi
s lap, taking notice of his crotch digging into my backside. It’s not hard, but for some odd reason just the feel of it makes me hot and I start to sweat. All I can think about is pulling it out and wrapping my lips around it, stroking my hand up and down the length of his shaft. Obviously, my thoughts are out of control when I’m around him. “I just . . .” I shift a little more feeling uncomfortable.

He stops me from squirming, wraps his arms around me and pulls my head down to his shoulder. I take a deep breath, breathing him in and savoring this moment that I may never get again. Somehow being in his arms gives me a feeling of safety that I never thought I’d feel again.

“You don’t need to explain. You don’t owe me any explanations. We’ll leave and I’ll take you to your car.”

After seeing it again for the first time in eight years, a small part of me almost wants to stay. As much as it hurts, I’m drawn to it. That seems to be a problem for me these days.

“No.”

Kellan looks down at me and rubs his thumb over my cheek, causing my legs to tremble. “Are you sure? You’re shaking. We can leave right now. I don’t need to come back. It’s part of the past now, an old memory.”

I place my hand behind him, trailing it up his neck, before playing with the back of his hair.
Oh, how I love his hair.
“We can sit here for a few minutes.” I force a smile, feeling somewhat better. “I just can’t go in. Can you understand that?” My eyes search his, pleading for him to not ask any more questions. I just want to enjoy this moment, as if nothing else matters.

“Of course. We don’t have to go inside.”

I get ready to push my way out of his lap, but he wraps his arm tighter around me and pulls me against the firmness of his chest. His lips brush the top of my hair before stopping next to my ear and he whispers, “Just stay here, close to me. I want to feel like I’m protecting you. That was always my job.”

My heartbeat quickens and I start shaking once again, causing Kellan’s arm to tighten protectively around me. “I’m sorry, Kellan.”

He brushes my hair behind my ear and leans his head over my shoulder, his lips against my cheek. “For what? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Yeah, I did. I’m kee
ping him from the one place he has probably wanted to see for years. The same place I have been avoiding. “I didn’t mean to ruin your night.”

He laughs softly, his warm breath tickling my ear. “You didn’t ruin my night,” he breathes. “Trust me, Phoenix.” He unwraps his arm from ar
ound me and shifts in his seat. His hands grip my hips, causing the stiffness of his penis to dig into my crotch. It’s definitely hard now, making my whole body shake with pleasure and my thighs to get moist. It feels big and thick against my body and he doesn’t seem ashamed to show it. A part of me almost thinks he’s enjoying this. That makes me want to panic even more and I swear if he moves one more time I’m going to have a damn orgasm just from my thoughts.

After a
djusting me to the position he wants, he wraps his arms back around my waist and pulls me backwards so my back is pressed against his chest. “Just close your eyes and relax. Think of the good times.”

He turns up the music and I find my eyes closing, and a smile tugging at my lips when I hear the most beautiful song ever.
Your Guardian Angel
by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Somehow, this song always manages to take my breath away. I gasp as I get lost in the lyrics.

I feel Kellan’s breath against my ear before he whispers, “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

Spilling the truth, I admit, “This song is the most beautiful song in the world to me. I would kill to have a man sing this to me and propose. I would fall in love for the rest of my life.”

His breath quickens, but he doesn’t say anything else. Just holds me tighter
as we listen to the lyrics.

We sit there in silence for at least thirty minutes, who knows, maybe even longer, before he finally drives me to my car.

Right as I’m about to get out, he stops me and hands me my purse. I take it and grip it in my hand. “Thanks.”

He leans across me and opens the truck door before turning to face me and cupping my right cheek in his hand. He leans in close to my face and clenches his jaw. “If you need me for anything, anything at all, get ahold of me. I
don’t care what time of day it is. Do you hear me?”