This Regret (12 page)

“When have I eaten all of the chicken? There are plenty other people here that eat chicken. How does he know who’s eating what?”

“Are you serious right now? People have eyes, Phoenix,” she says while dicing up a tomato. “Every time someone looks in your direction at one of these events, you have a piece of fried chicken hanging between your lips. Hell, you even stole a piece of chicken off Mrs. Henderson's plate once when she wasn't looking.”

She saw that? I guess I’m not as slick as I think I am.

“It was only the skin,” I point out. “She shouldn’t have taken the last piece and then left it sitting there untouched for over ten minutes. Yes, I counted the time and I’m not ashamed
. Plus, I don't even think she noticed.”

“Oh, she noticed. Trust me.” Kade’s tired voice jumps in from behind, causing Jen to snicker.

I spin around to see Kade standing behind me rubbing his eyes. His hair is standing up in all directions looking as if he hasn’t slept in weeks. Damn, he looks terrible. I guess we both can’t seem to function at the moment.

It makes my heart ache seeing him this way. I haven’t seen him this messed up since that day, eight years ago, when we both sat in the woods for hours crying and staring into space, wondering how the world could be so cruel.

My mouth opens but then closes because I can’t seem to form any words. What do I say to him? I mean what can I say? Should I say anything at all or pretend it never happened? Neither one of us could’ve been prepared for what we discovered two days ago. Kades never been much for talking about his feelings, he finds other ways to deal with it; therefore, making this moment really awkward for the both of us.

“Kade,” I clear my throat. Are you-“

“It’s all good.” He attempts a smile, but you can barely even call it that and the emptiness in his eyes says otherwise. “Never been better,” he says, but I can tell he’s lying by the sound of his voice.

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cigarette.

“I thought you quit,” I say, reaching out to comfort him. I squeeze his arm not really knowing what to do. “Are you sure you’re okay? I mean did you tell your parents?”

He shakes his head and huffs. “Hell no. There’s no point in telling them and breaking their hearts all over again.
You saw him, Phoenix. He has no intention of coming back. If he did then he would have years ago.” Holding the cigarette to his mouth, he plays with his lighter, flicking it a few times before lighting it. It’s a nervous tick he used to have back when he smoked. “That selfish dick.”

“I’m sorry, but who is a selfish dick?” Jen asks. “You both look like hell,” she states while looking us over with her intense mommy eyes.

Kade takes a huge drag that seems to go on for minutes before replying. “Don’t worry about it,” he says giving Jen a hard look. “You don’t need to worry about it. It’s no one important.” He leans over the picnic table and takes another drag, inhaling deeply before putting it out on the bench and slowly blowing out the smoke, as if it’s just relieved all of the stress he’s been carrying around.

Jen nods her head and returns to chopping up the vegetables. “Alrighty, then.” She waves the smoke off. “If it’s not a big deal, then try not to light another one of those by the food. It’s gross and some of us don’t smoke.”

Kade nods. “Right, sorry. It’s been a rough day.”

Following Jens lead, not knowing what else to do, I grab for a knife to help with the onions. The onions can be used for an excuse to cover up any unwanted tears if they should fall and I need anything possible to take my mind off Kellan. At the moment I wouldn't even care if it meant wrestling pigs. Anything would do.

"Where's Jax?" I question just now realizing I haven't seen him since arriving over an hour ago. "Don't tell me he's not coming." I hold the knife up threatening her. I've lost it, apparently. Maybe having this knife isn't such a good idea after all.

She narrows her eyes and leans back holding her massive knife up, blocking mine. “Mine’s bigger so I would be careful where you point that.”

I lower my knife. “Shit, you’re right. My bad, woman.”

I peek behind me to see Kade still leaning over the picnic table lost in thought. He’s a total wreck and seems to be lost in his own
little world. I’m surprised he even showed up at all.

“He’ll be here later. Nathan just had a few things to take care of first.” I turn back around and she smiles nervously. “He’ll be here,” she whispers this time. I almost didn’t even catch it.

Kade speaks finally, breaking his moment of silence. “I’m sorry about last night.”

I lean against the picnic table and place the knife down beside me. To be honest, I probably can’t focus long enough to cut up an onion without managing to cut off one of my fingers anyways.

“What are you sorry about?” I question, not really understanding. “You didn’t do anything.”

He stands up straight and grabs my shoulders to look me in the eye. It almost looks as if he’s about to cry, but is doing a damn good job of hiding it. “I overreacted the other night at the shop. I just lost it.” He pauses, lost in thought for a moment before looking over to see that Jen isn’t listening. “Maybe I shouldn’t have swung at him like I did. At least not with you so close. I would never forgive myself if I acci
dently hit you. I promised I would learn to control my anger a long time ago, but when I saw him I couldn’t think. I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t know how to react. I’ve had all of this pent up anger and hurt for so long, not knowing where he was, then seeing him standing there just fine, just set off an explosion of emotions and I saw red.”

After Kellan disappeared, Kade acted out by getting into countless fistfights at school. After getting suspended a couple of times and almost ending up in the hospital, I made him promise to gain control or I wasn’t going to be around him anymore. I couldn’t handle it. I had my own shit to deal with and could barely get by as it was without worrying about his wellbeing.

I find my hand reaching over to touch his face before I can stop myself. Jen is probably watching by this point, but my heart is breaking for him. I don’t want to see him hurting. He doesn’t deserve this. “Don’t apologize to me. You had every right to be mad. I wasn’t expecting it, sure.” I stop to think my words over. “But maybe he deserved it.”

Jen drops the knife and wipes her hands off on a towel. “Okay. Y’all need to tell me so
mething. You know I can’t take secrets and whispering.” She looks at Kade. “Who did you hit? Did you kick his ass? Did he kick yours? What is the deal? Someone tell . . .”

Just then, everything seems to go in slow motion and the words around me fade into whispers as my eyes lock on Kellan. He pushes himself off an expensive looking motorcycle and runs his hands through the thickness of his dark hair. I can’t help but to imagine what it would feel like to be able to touch it, to pull it and twirl it in my fingers.

Jen and Kade are still talking, but none of the words seems to be registering. The only thing registering in my head is how undeniably sexy Kellan looks in his faded, ripped up jeans and army green, fitted button down, rolled up to his elbows, showing off even more of his glorious tattoos.

I just stand there staring, lost in my own little world as Kellan’s eyes search the park, looking in every direction until finally they land on me. Heat explodes through my whole body and my nerves are shooting off like fireworks. I reach up and touch my chest. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it.

Those big, beautiful eyes stay zoned in on me as he sets his helmet down on his seat and reaches to tuck a necklace into his shirt. If he’d been wearing the necklace at the shop, I didn’t take notice, but right now, with his shirt undone a few buttons, I’m noticing every last detail. The warm breeze blows through his hair and against the thin fabric of his shirt, revealing the firmness of chest. His facial hair spreads across a perfect jawline, as if he hasn’t shaven in days. He has on a studded belt, fitted against his sleek waist, just above the natural bulge in his denims. Damn, he’s even traded in his boots for a pair of Converse shoes. I missed that about him.

Holy shit, how can someone be so beautiful?

“Phoenix.”

“Phoenix.”

“Huh?” As hard as I try, I just can’t seem to pull my eyes away or pay attention to what is going on around me. Everything is a blur, everything but . . . him. That is, until Jen smacks me upside the head.

“Phoenix! What the hell? I’ve been asking you to help me with the corn. Wake up,” Jen scorns me. “What are you staring at?”

Taking a deep breath, I pull my eyes away and turn my focus to Jen, but it’s too late. She’s already leaning over my sho
ulder, taking in the sight I had to fight to peel my eyes away from.

She raises both brows and lets out a soft whistle. “Now that’s a nice piece of ass. Now I understand the distraction. Tall, dark, handsome and a little rough around the edges. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Phoenix, you’ve been holding out on me. I didn’t know you were into bad boys.”

Kade instantly turns his head to see what the two of us are fussing about. “What the fuck is he doing here? He needs to leave. This will not be happening today.”

I reach out and grab Kades arm right as he’s about to walk away. “No.”
Oh, God please let him stay.
“Maybe you should just leave it alone. You don’t want to cause a scene at your dad’s favorite event. You know how he gets about this every year.”

Something must register inside of Kade’s head, because suddenly he sits back down. His nostrils flare out and I can see him feeling for another cigarette as his eyes shoot daggers in Kellan’s direction.

He’s no longer looking at me. He’s past that point now.

We all watch as Kellan makes his way through the grass, toward Dale and Nancy, his parents. Dale and Nancy don’t seem to notice as they continue to engage in conversation with their friends. Their son is right behind them and they don’t even know, as if he’s invisible. For some unknown reason, that hurts. That’s how I felt after Adric died.

I can sense the hesitation in Kellan as he stops mid step and stands frozen in place. He reaches up and rubs his face before turning around and looking down at the ground. When his eyes look up and meet mine again, without even realizing it, I nod my head to encourage him to continue.

“What was that all about?” Kade’s eyes darken as he looks back toward his brother and starts pacing back and forth. “Have you guys been talking behind my back?”

“Um, no.” I could only wish. “Why would we be talking?” Somehow, I feel guilty for him even assuming it.

“Who is that sexy man that has everyone staring?”

Jen sounds agitated now. “Don’t keep me in the dark. Something’s about to go down. I can feel it.”

“Kellan,” Kade and I say in unison, causing Jen’s mouth to drop open.

What happens next seems to be straight out of a Lifetime movie. Kellan taps Dale on the shoulder, causing all of their friends to stop talking.

Dead-silence.

Dale and Nancy both turn around. A few seconds later, Nancy falls to her knees, arms wrapped around Kellan, holding onto his shirt, sobbing so loud everyone at the park has stopped to stare.

In this moment, there is nothing but silence across the entire park, including the animals. Even they seem to know this moment is sacred.

Dale just stands there looking stunned, as if he doesn’t know what to say. Finally, he grabs Kellan’s shoulder, squeezes it and grabs his wife’s hand to comfort her.

I feel a tear run down my cheek as I watch the long waited reunion unfold before my eyes. I don’t want to tear my eyes away from this moment for anything, afraid I’ll miss something.

Kellan grabs his mother’s face and bends down in front of her, wiping the tears from under her eyes. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but every part of me is dying to know.

“He’s only going to break my mother’s heart again.” Kade leans his head back and squeezes his eyes closed. “I just know it. Shit!”

Before I can respond, Kade is to his feet and heading over to join his family. I just stand there frozen, wanting to b
e a part of it, but knowing it’s not my place. This is a family moment. The feeling sucks.

Nancy finally makes it back to her feet with Kellan in tow and now has both sons in her arms. I can’t see Kellan’s face, but I can see Kade’s and I can tell that even though
he’s scared, he’s happy to see his family reunited. Who wouldn’t be?

“This is the most heartwarming moment of my entire life besides giving birth.” She sniffles. “I’m crying like a baby over here. Just look how happy Nancy is. I
can’t believe he’s back.”

I am looking. I haven’t taken my eyes away. I can’t. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” My voice barely comes out, but I’m mainly saying it for myself anyways. “We saw Kellan two days ago. It came as a huge shocker. Trust me, it didn’t go over so well.”

Jen snaps her attention to me. “What? Where? What happened?”

I take a step forward and run my hand over my forehead. Now I’m the one sweating. “Kade punched him in the face,” I say.

“Wow! That kid has a lot of balls. Kellan is definitely well built and way bigger than him. He’s changed a lot. He’s really, really, really hot and-“