This Regret (18 page)

I nod my head while trying with everything in me to keep from leaning forward and pressing my lips against his. They look so soft and inviting and I want nothing more than to get a taste. Just one taste of him and maybe I could die a happy woman.

“Okay, good.” He leans in closer almost as if he’s about to kiss me. His eyes trail down to my lips and I can feel his heart hammering against my arm, until suddenly he turns away, leaving my insides cold and my body wanting him. “Have a good night.”

I swallow hard and wipe my sweaty palms over my shorts. “You too, Kellan. Be safe.”

I step down and carefully make my way out of his truck and down to the ground before shutting the door behind me. He waits for me to safely get into my car and start it before nodding and driving away.

Sitting there in my car, I grip the steering wheel and lean my head against the back of the seat. This boy has no idea what he’s doing t
o me and all of the things I want to be doing to him. No one makes me feel this way. No one but him. It’s always been him.

When I get home, I spend the next hour, tossing and turning in bed and am just about to finally fall asleep when my phone goes off from a text message. I reach over to the table and grab my phone, expecting it to be Kade. My heart instantly reacts to the name that flashes across my screen. Surprisingly, it’s not
Kade, but the last person I ever expected it to be.
He put his name get in my phone?

Kellan: Oh, by the way . . . I programmed my number in case you miss me.

Phoenix: Like I said, still a smart ass. Goodnight, Kellan.

Kellan: Goodnight. Oh, and I left you a gift in your purse. Now go to sleep and dream of me ;) You’ll be sure to have . . . happy dreams.

A pathetic smile spreads across my face as I set my phone back down and close my eyes. I knew that jerk would find a way to slip his tip money in my purse. Now, I will be thinking of him all night and fantasizing about the dreams I only hope to have.

So much for getting sleep . . .

Chapter Ten

Phoenix

I am woken from my light sleep by a screeching noise coming from somewhere within my small apartment. The sound is absolutely awful.

“What the hell is that? Make it stop!”

Throwing the sheet off me, I jump up and slide my fingers through my hair, searching the room around me. It only takes a few seconds before I hear it again. It almost sounds as if someone is dragging a suitcase over tile flooring, but instead of using the wheels, they're using only half a damn wheel and that half a wheel is broken, unfortunately.

Is someone seriously in my house right now?
The sun hasn’t even come up and it can’t be any later than four in the morning. Please tell me this is a dream inside of a dream and I’m going to wake up five hours from now happy and peaceful. I only managed to fall asleep about an hour ago and even then, I wasn’t even quite asleep. This is really going to put a damper on my day.

“Zoe, help me with these bags.”

Okay, no
. That is definitely my mother’s voice and in my house. Not exactly what I want to be hearing right now, and bags.
What bags?

I throw my robe on in a panic and hastily make my way down the hallway and into the kitchen. The bright light hurts, causing me to throw my hand over my face and blink
a few times to adjust. The little glimpse I did get was just enough to see my mother and my sister along with bags and suitcases full of their belongings.

“Whoa, guys. What is all this noise about?” I pull my hand away from my eyes and weakly lean against the counter for support, still half-asleep. This cannot be a good thin
g and now, I’m not so sure I even want to know what they’re doing here this early in the morning for. “It’s like four a.m.” I grab one of the bags and hold it up, examining the picture of some young, cute boy on it. Definitely has to be Zoe’s bag, filled with her clothes, I’m guessing. “What is all this? Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is,” I whisper.

My mother and Zoe both just stand there staring off in some kind of zombie like state, until finally, Zoe yanks the bag out of my hand and makes her way past me. “I’m going to sleep on the couch. It is way too early for this crap and I can’t stand to look at her anymore. She’s ruined my life. I cannot believe this is happening.”

“Zoe!” My mother reaches out for her arm even though she’s too far away and already making her way over to the couch. “I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she says weakly.

My heart races like crazy and I feel sick to my stomach as I watch my mother, waiting for her to say something to explain this mess. When she just stands there, I get very impatient and damn scared to be honest.

“Mom, what is going on?”

A tear escapes her eye and she quickly reaches up to brush it away. She’s always hated showing her weakness, so she usually puts up a front, but something tells me, it won’t be so easy this time. Hiding her face, she finally speaks, “Your father is seeing someone else, Phoenix. We’re through, done, it’s over. He asked me to leave, so here we are.” Those big hazel eyes fill with tears this time and within seconds, she is on the ground, with one hand gripping the countertop and the other one hanging between her knees as she sobs. “What am I’m going to do? Thirty years. It’s been thirty years since I have been alone. I can’t. I just can’t. I need him, Phoenix. I love him so much.”

Dammit, that Bastard.
This is definitely worse than I imagined. I push away from the counter and kneel down in front of her, placing my hand on her shoulder for comfort. This would have to be the first time she’s needed my comforting and I was hoping this day would never come. “What the hell is wrong with him? How long has this been going on? How did you . . .” I stop, realizing, that as distant as my father has been for the last five or nine years, who knows how long it’s been going on. Could be one year or it could be nine. All I know is that he’s an ass. “Just never mind that. He’s a son of a bitch and a piece of shit for doing this to you. You don’t deserve this-“

“Don’t say that about your father, Phoenix. He’s a good man.” She looks up with tear stained eyes and wipes at her blotchy face. “He tried giving it a second chance. That’s why Zoe has been spending so much time here. He tried, so don’t blame him.”

“Are you shitting me, mom! He’s a good man? Why are you and Zoe here with all of your belongings if he’s a good man? Tell me that. He should be the one to leave.” I stand up and slam my fist down on the counter top pissed off that my dad would do such a thing to his family. Family is everything. “Don’t defend him. He hasn’t been good in years and even you know that.”

“Phoenix! Watch your language.” Her voice comes out shaky as she looks up at me with wet eyes. “He owns that house, okay. I haven’t worked in over eight years and you know that. I couldn’t work after Adric died. I just couldn’t function right anymore. I missed my baby-”

“Mom stop,” I cut in, not able to handle this confession. I can’t listen to it. Why bring up Adric now after eight years. No one in this house talks about him and that is how I have made it through the years. Silence has been the key. I start walking away to the living room as fast as I can, kicking a bag out of my way. “Please don’t bring up my brother right now. Hasn’t there been enough tears shed already? Don’t choose right now to bring him up, dammit. Just don’t.”

My mother follows behind me, her red hair matt
ed to her face with tears, she no longer seems determined to hide. “You need to know I loved Adric with everything in me. I still love him. He was my baby boy. My first born-“

“Stop it, please.” Tears well up in my eyes and my whole body’s shaking with nerves. I grab onto the couch, my nails digging in, to hold back my emotion. “You guys are welcome here as long as you want, but please... stop.”

She doesn’t stop though. She doesn’t know how, ever. “He was so good to everyone, so sweet and caring. My handsome baby boy. You look so much like your brother. Those gray eyes and dark hair, easily tanned skin and healthy glow like your father.” She grabs my face and looks me in the eye. “Sometimes it’s hard to look at you without it hurting. Do you get that?” Tears stream down my face as I squeeze my eyes closed, licking away the salty tears that are dripping over my lips.

“You were everything to Adric. He worried about you so much. Protecting you seemed to be the most important thing to him. Even when it came to your father and me. Him and that damn, Kellan kid always acting as if we weren’t good enough. Do you know how that makes me feel to know that I have failed him? Look at me.” She squeezes my face and shakes it, until I finally open my eyes to look at her. “I abandoned you after we found him in the attic. I should have been there for you. I should have comforted you, but I couldn’t, not after seeing my baby boy that way. You reminded me too much of him and I couldn’t take it. Even after you ran off.” She pauses to choke back a sob. “I didn’t even look for you. I just couldn’t find it in me.”

Not able to stand here and listen anymore, I pull my face away and start reaching
for the bags. I had no idea she hadn’t even looked for me that day, and that day stings more now, that I know the truth. “Let’s get these bags put aside somewhere. You can take my room and Zoe can take the couch.” I stop to swallow the lump in my throat and to catch my breath. “I’ll sleep here on the floor. I have plenty of blankets so it should be nice and soft-“

“You don’t have to do that,” my mother’s guilty voice cuts in. “We’ll only be here for a few days and then we’ll leave.”

Zoe jumps up from the couch with a panicked look on her freckled face. “Where else would we go? We have nowhere but here. I’m not sleeping outside because you screwed up. Dad left you, not me.”

“Zoe, shut up!” I place my hand on her shoulder and push her back down on the couch. “Don’t speak to mom that way. It’s not her fault that dad’s an ass. Now lay back down and keep out of it.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and slams her head against the back of the cushion. “How am I supposed to stay out of it when you guys are in my new room? Nice try. Why don’t you guys take it somewhere else so I don’t have to be around her.”

“Yeah, and why don’t you learn to
. . .” My mother’s words trail off as she turns to face the wall and covers her mouth. “I’m sorry, Zoe. Let’s just get some sleep. We both need it.”

“No! What was that mother? What were you about to say?” Zoe jumps to her feet, grabs a picture frame from the coffee table, and tosses it across the room. The picture shatters causing all of us to stop and stare.

I think it hit us all at the same time. It’s the only picture I have of him. It was taken a week before he died. He was leaning against his motorcycle with his legs crossed in front of him, holding up the rock-on hand symbol. He had just gotten his first motorcycle that day. It was a piece of junk he bought off someone that was moving out of town and planned to fix it up. He was still in the process when he . . . died. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen that bike since the first day he got it. I wonder what ever happened to it.

“I’m sorry,” Zoe whispers, looking over at the broken pieces of glass. “I didn’t mean to. I’m just really tired and angry and-“

“Zoe.”

“I will clean it up. Please don’t be mad. I wasn’t thinking and-“

“Zoe, stop.” I hold my arms up to stop her. “Everyone’s a little upset at the moment. Just go back to sleep and I will clean this mess up.” I turn to face my mother, which is now holding a shaky hand to her mouth. “Go and take my room. You need sleep more than I do. I will put these bags somewhere and when you wake up, you can take any space in my room that you need and put your things in there. Zoe can put her things in the dining room. We will work this out. We can. We can do this without him, okay.”

My mother nods and her eyes stray over to Zoe that is still set on ignoring her. “Yeah, we can do this, Zoe. We can manage here. I wasn’t going to say what you thought I was going to say.”

I can tell my mother is lying. I can always tell when she lies. In the heat of the moment, she was going to get on Zoe’s case about her learning disabilities and it angers me. It really does, but everyone’s emotions are running wild right now. I can’t blame either one of them for their actions and I won’t.

Zoe pulls her hair to the side of her shoulder and
reaches for the red blanket I keep on the back of the couch for her. “Just go to sleep . . . mother. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

I take a few deep breaths as my head begins to spin and my legs get weak. Anxiety is a predator and right now, I’m it’s prey. As hard as I try, anxiety will always be a huge part of my life. I have learned to control it for the most part, but even the strongest have their meltdowns. Right now, definitely calls for a meltdown. I have no idea how I’m going to manage to take care of my mother and sister without working every minute of every day. It’s going to be a struggle, but if I can get through losing the biggest part of me, then I can and will get through this.

My mother glances around the room a few times before she nods at me, smiles and heads down the hallway to my room.

Looks like I need to make a trip to blow off a little steam. Actually, make that a lot of steam.

* * *

I pull my car up to
Haze Ranch
, making my way down the extremely long driveway. The house looks lifeless as I drive past it and take a quick look around. The huge rectangular windows stand unlit against the huge white house and are opaque because of the old curtains hanging against them. The only noise around me seems to be from the distant horses and cattle. The old wooden porch wraps all the way around the house, leading to a great view of the Ranch, now a dim shade of orange and pink from the sun peaking over the trees. I almost want to stop and make my way up the steps to take in the beautiful view, but decide against it. I have something else in mind to relieve this tension.