The World's Biggest Bogey (8 page)

Danny put the certificate on the wall of his bedroom.

‘That’s the first of many, Danny,’ said his dad. ‘Are you going to stop trying to break these silly records and concentrate on what you’re really good at: saving
goals?’

‘Do you think I’ll
ever
be as good as you, Dad?’

‘You’re going to be
better
than me,’ replied Dad. He ruffled Danny’s hair.

Mum walked into the bedroom with a bright green peg on her nose. ‘Wed are you goin’ do dell Datalie she doesn’ daf do wear a peg od her dose eddybore?’

‘Tomorrow,’ replied Danny. He held his nose and grinned. ‘Baybe.’

Mum laughed. ‘Good. Dis ids fud.’

Dad glanced down at several sheets of writing paper on the bedside table.

On the top sheet, Danny had written the words I MUST NOT ATTEMPT TO BREAK WORLD RECORDS IN SCHOOL.

‘What’s this?’ he asked.

‘Mr Rogers gave me a hundred lines for letting out my smelly feet in assembly,’ explained Danny.

‘Ah, well, a hundred’s not too many.’

No, thought Danny. A hundred’s not enough! There’s a record to be broken!

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to break world records in school.

I must not attempt to bre

To the Keeper of the Records

The Great Big Book of World Records

London

Dear Mr Bibby

My headmaster, Mr Rogers, was a bit cross about my attempt to break the Smelliest Feet record. The teachers who had to go to hospital
weren’t very happy either. The school has been disinfected three times and still stinks of boiled cabbage and seaweed and eggs and cheese and drains all mixed together. Mr Rogers punished me
by making me do one hundred lines, but I kept on writing. I did 161 ½ before he caught me. He got cross about that too, and ordered me do two thousand lines saying I MUST NOT DO MORE LINES
THAN THE NUMBER OF LINES I’VE BEEN GIVEN.

I didn’t have time to finish them at school, but I kept going at home and managed to do 1,793 before my pen ran out of ink. I’d have
done even more, but my sister Natalie caught me borrowing her Class Prefect pen. She was cross that I’d tricked her into wearing a peg on her nose after the smelly feet attempt, and she told
my mum. Then Mum got cross, because I was supposed to be clearing out the junk under my bed. No one understands what you have to give up to be a record breaker.

I’ve sent all my lines with this letter. Is this a world record? I hope so, because I’m in trouble with everyone, except my best
friend Matthew. He understands. And he likes counting the lines for me.

Yours sincerely

Danny Baker

PS I’m trying to break the Walking Backwards record, but I keep falling over. My bottom’s purple and green and yellow and black all
over with bruises. Mum said I’ve got to sit on a big bag of frozen peas. I’ve also got massive scabs on both elbows. Ace!

Dear Danny

Thank you for writing to me again. Your attempt to break the world record for Punishment Line Writing fell well short of the mark. You would have
to be incredibly badly behaved to beat William Archibald Naughtie–McGhie, of Tillicoultry in Scotland. He was Naughtie by name, and naughty by nature. William’s long history of
naughtiness started when he was eight years old, but by the time he left school, he had written a total of 15,201 lines.

Here’s how he did it:

He placed a whoopee cushion on the geography teacher’s seat: 400 lines.

He hid an enormous furry spider in a bag of carrots – just as the dinner lady was about to peel them: 400 lines.

He put paint in the caretaker’s mop bucket: 700 lines.

He sprinkled itching powder on the toilet paper in the girl’s washroom: 1,000 lines.

He rearranged all the school library books out of alphabetical order: 200 lines.

He pulled an ugly face in the class photo: 200 lines.

He glued every chair to the classroom floor: 500 lines.

He wore his clothes back to front, and convinced the school nurse that his head was on backwards: 300 lines.

He put cold custard in the teachers’ coat pockets: 500 lines.

He put salt in the sugar shakers, and sugar in the salt shakers: 400 lines.

He farted in the presence of the Queen during a royal visit to the school: 5,000 lines.

He blamed the fart on the headmaster: 5,001 lines.

William was grounded for a month for this last crime, and having to write so many lines finally made him stop his naughty pranks. William
Archibald Naughtie–McGhie is now grown up, and is a police inspector in Aberdeen.

I’m sorry to disappoint you, Danny.

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

PS Be careful walking backwards, Danny. The Persistent Reverse Perambulation record is a difficult and potentially dangerous one to break.

Mum pulled her car into a parking space outside the Wyz Byz supermarket. Natalie, Danny’s older sister, slid out of the back door and stood by the car, grumpy and
unhappy, with her arms folded and her shoulders slumped.

Danny climbed out backwards and stumbled straight into her.