The World's Biggest Bogey (9 page)

‘Mum!’ whined Natalie, yanking Danny’s ear. ‘Tell him to stop treading on my toes!’

‘Mum!’ complained Danny. ‘Tell Nat to stop pulling my ears off!’

‘Behave yourselves, both of you!’ snapped Mum.

Natalie got back in the car. ‘I’m staying here,’ she announced. ‘It’s embarrassing going anywhere with him walking backwards all the time, and dressed like
that.’

Danny and Matthew had made a contraption out of a wire coat hanger, a couple of shin-guards and the wing mirrors off Dad’s old motorbike. It was strapped to Danny’s shoulders with a
pair of his grandad’s braces, so that he could see where he was going in the mirrors when he was walking backwards. He had a cushion strapped tightly to his behind with a bright red and
yellow snake belt, to protect his sore bottom.

‘I
need
this outfit to help me break the world record for Persistent Reverse Perambulation,’ protested Danny.

Mum growled and headed for the supermarket entrance.

As soon as they got inside, Danny backed into the stack of blue baskets by the door.

‘Sorry Mum. I wasn’t looking in my mirrors.’

Mum glared at Danny as he bumped into an old lady’s shopping trolley.

‘I
do
apologize,’ said Mum. ‘He’s trying to break a record.’

Trying to break his neck, more like,’ grumbled the old lady.

Mum grabbed Danny’s shoulder and guided him down the aisle.

‘Hold on to my trolley,’ she ordered. ‘And don’t let go.’

Danny did as he was told. Mum threw a few cans of Spaghetti Footballs into the trolley and marched off. She was going so quickly up and down the aisles that Danny struggled to keep up with her.
They rounded a corner into the baby-care aisle, and Mum stopped so suddenly that Danny nearly fell over.

‘What on earth . . . ? Danny, look at this!’

Danny peered into his mirrors, and saw a three-metre high inflatable baby, wearing a gigantic plastic nappy.

‘Ace! That’s Baby Ben Bradshaw of Biggleswade, the Wonderfluff Nappy Tot off the TV ads,’ said Danny. ‘I wonder if that’s the biggest blow-up baby in the world? It
could be a record breaker.’

‘Don’t start, Danny,’ warned Mum.

‘Sorry Can I go down to the magazine section?’ he asked. ‘I want to see if me or Dad have got a mention in the latest issue of
It’s a Save! The
Goalkeeper’s Monthly.’

Mum looked doubtful.

‘I’ll be careful, honest,’ promised Danny.

Mum sighed. ‘Yes, go on then.’

He took two steps back from the shopping trolley and crashed into Baby Ben Bradshaw of Biggleswade. As they collided, and the giant balloon baby bounced upwards, Danny tried to grab it without
turning round and ruining his record attempt, but he only managed to push Baby Ben higher in the air.

Danny glanced in one of his rear-view mirrors and watched in horror as

. . . the baby wobbled gently upwards, and nudged a mound of toilet rolls . . .

. . . the mound of toilet rolls tumbled, and smashed into cartons of eggs . . .

. . . the eggs flew – splat! – on to the Cornflakes . . .

. . . the Cornflakes bashed the Barleybricks the Barleybricks pushed the Brancrisps

. . . the Brancrisps bumped the Sugardrops . . .

. . . the Sugardrops toppled a tower of toffee tins . . .

. . . the toffee tins rolled into a pyramid of melons . . .

. . . the pyramid collapsed and the melons hurtled like loose bowling balls into rows of fizzy-cola bottles, sending them swirling and whirling and twirling into the air.

‘Look out, Mum!’ yelled Danny, pushing her behind a display of lemon-puff biscuits.

The plastic cola bottles smacked on to the ground and the fizzy liquid inside was so shaken up that the tops exploded from them like bullets.

By now the Wonderfluff baby had come back down to earth. It lay on its hands and knees with its enormous inflated rump sticking up in the air, being peppered by bottle tops. They made a pleasant
drumming sound on the big blow-up nappy, until suddenly there was a loud ‘BANG’!