The World's Biggest Bogey (3 page)
Read The World's Biggest Bogey Online
Authors: Steve Hartley
Danny lay in bed that morning, reading Mr Bibby’s letter. He sighed with disappointment.
‘Danny!’ shouted his mum from downstairs. ‘Get up, now!’
He got out of bed, yawned, stretched and scratched his tummy. He was wearing socks and trainers, and a pair of extremely grubby underpants. Danny had been wearing the same pants for six
months, but so far his mum hadn’t realized, because he’d been putting a clean pair in the wash bin every day. He’d been doing the same with his socks.
Natalie appeared at his open bedroom door and stared at him with a strange mixture of triumph and disgust on her face.
‘I’m telling Mum,’ she sneered. ‘Aw, don’t, Nat,’ begged Danny.
‘She’ll go
ballistic.’
‘You’re revolting.’
‘I’m just trying to break a world record.’
Natalie pulled a face. ‘Which one? The Dirtiest Underpants?’
‘No,’ replied Danny truthfully, although he realized that he
could
try for that record, if he didn’t break the one he was
actually
going for. ‘It’s a
secret.’
‘Fine, don’t tell me then.’ Natalie smirked. ‘Mum!’
Danny quickly pulled on his jeans. ‘I’ll tidy your bedroom,’ he offered desperately.
Natalie considered this for a moment, but then yelled, ‘Mum!’ again.
‘I’ll ask Matthew to do your maths homework for the next two weeks.’
‘
Mum!
’
‘What do you want, Natalie?’ shouted Mum from downstairs. ‘I’ve got the vacuum cleaner in pieces on the living-room floor.’
Danny pleaded with his eyes.
‘Have you seen –’ yelled Natalie. She grinned at her brother – ‘my hairbrush?’
‘No, I haven’t,’ answered Mum. ‘Your bedroom’s such a mess, I’m not surprised you’ve lost it.’
‘It’ll be tidy by tonight, don’t worry.’ Natalie glared menacingly at her brother. ‘Won’t it, Danny?’
‘I promise. I’ll do it after the game this afternoon.’
‘And I won’t have to do any maths homework for two weeks?’
‘No.’
‘OK then.’ She stuck her tongue out at him, and went downstairs.
Danny sighed with relief and finished getting dressed. He picked up his football-kit bag and set off for school. The Coalclough Sparrows were going to play Crawshaw Cougars in the semi-final of
the Penleydale Schools Cup.
Danny had another great game in goal, and the Sparrows won two–nil.
‘We’re in the Final!’ cried Matthew, rubbing his hair dry with a large Walchester United towel. He and Danny were getting changed after the match.
‘It’s fantastic!’
‘Who do you think we’ll play?’ asked Danny. He hadn’t had a shower, and was already dressed.
‘It doesn’t matter. We’re playing so well, we can beat anybody.’ Matthew threw the towel into his bag. ‘Dan, why don’t you ever have a shower after a game?
Are you trying to break another record?’
‘Yeah,’ answered Danny, ‘I’ve got a couple of things brewing actually. I didn’t realize breaking world records would be so difficult. My Head-lice record attempt
didn’t even come close.’
‘So
you’re
the one who’s given everyone nits.’
‘Yeah.’ Danny smiled proudly. ‘It was me.’
‘What’s this new record you’re working on then?’
‘I’m going to try for the Spottiest Bum in the world. I’ve not washed my bum or changed my underpants now for nearly six months. That’s why I never have a shower after a
game.’
‘
Six months?
’ gasped Matthew. ‘Gross!’
‘Yeah, it’s going really well – my bum is covered in spots. I’m going to have to count them soon and write to Mr Bibby at the Great Big Book of World Records, because it
really hurts when I sit down.’
‘I’ll bet it does,’ said Matthew.
‘How are you going to count them?’
Danny tried to look at his bottom over his shoulder, and then bent over to peer at it between his legs. ‘I’m not sure. Use a mirror, I suppose. No, wait – you’re ace at
maths! Why don’t you count them for me?’
‘No way!’
‘That reminds me. Nat the Brat was going to snitch about my underpants. I promised you’d do her maths homework for the next two weeks if she kept her mouth shut. Will you?’
Matthew rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, go on then. But I bet it’ll be the first time Nat the Numbskull ever gets ten out of ten for her maths homework.’
‘Thanks, Matt. By the way, I’m working on another record attempt too, just in case my spotty bum isn’t a world-beater.’
‘What?’
‘I’m going for the Smelliest Feet record.’
Matthew stared at Danny’s feet. ‘Cool. How are you going to do it?’
‘I’ve not changed my socks for six months.’
‘Double-gross! That’s a hundred and eighty days! I put on a clean pair every day!’
Danny beamed. ‘I know – great, isn’t it! And for the last six weeks I’ve not taken my shoes off except to put my football boots on.’
‘Triple-gross! Not even at night, in bed?’ asked Matthew.
‘No,’ replied Danny. ‘If my mum finds out she’ll go mad. I sit toasting my toes in front of the fire as much as I can. The rest of the time I keep my feet wrapped in a
blanket.’
‘They must be
really
sweaty by now,’ said Matthew. Danny could see he was impressed.
‘But not sweaty enough,’ said Danny. ‘When people can smell them with my shoes on, that’s when they’ll be ready.’
Matthew leaned over Danny’s feet and sniffed.
‘Not yet,’ he said.
‘No, not yet,’ agreed Danny.
Dear Mr Bibby
It’s me again. I have got 207 spots on my bottom. Is this a record? I’ve sent a photograph of my bottom as proof. My best
friend, Matthew, who took the photo, says it’s the most awesome thing he’s ever seen. To get my bottom in this state, I didn’t take off my underpants for over six months. I would
have gone on longer, but my underpants had turned green and there were five small mushrooms growing on them. I was going to donate my pants to the local museum, but when Mum found them, she said
they were a health hazard and threw them in the bin.
