The World's Biggest Bogey (15 page)

‘Danny . . . ?’ said Mum anxiously.

Danny tried with all his might to force the air out of his throat. It burst out in a rush of words.

‘Whatdoyoumeanyouaregoingtohaveababy?’ he blurted.

‘What do you mean, you are going to have a baby?’ Matthew translated.

‘What?’ asked Dad.

‘What?’ asked Mum.

‘He said, “What do you mean, you are going to have a baby?”’ repeated Matthew.

‘I
know
that’s what he said!’ shouted Mum.

‘Danny!’ yelled Dad. ‘I think you’re cured! Say something else.’

‘Fidget on a corner flag, Beans on Toast.’

Mum, Dad and Matthew gasped.

Danny laughed. ‘Just kidding!’

At that moment, Professor Walkinshaw walked off the stage.

‘Danny, Matthew, you’ve baffled the world of Boffindom,’ he beamed. ‘But don’t worry, I promise we
will
find a cure.’

‘It’s OK, Professor, I’ve just had an Out-of-the-blue Mum-delivered Baby-news Gobbledegook Cure,’ announced Danny.

The professor frowned. ‘What?’ he asked.

‘His mum’s going to have a baby,’ Matthew translated. ‘And Danny can talk normally again.’

‘Ace!’ said Danny.

‘Don’t you mean Wonderfluff?’ laughed Matthew.

Dear Mr Bibby

This is me writing! Guess what? The only person talking gobbledegook now is my doctor, Professor Walkinshaw. He says I’ve had a
‘Resolution by Unexpected Announcement of Impending Sibling Arrival’. In other words, I’m cured!

Just before my mum told me she was going to have a baby, me and Matthew managed to baffle 1,327 Brain Boffins from all over the world. The
professor said that in all his years as the world’s leading Baffleologist, he’d never known so many big-brained Brain Boffins to be baffled at one time. Does this mean we’re
world-beaters?

Best wishes

Danny

Dear Danny

This is wonderful news! I was very worried about you and I am so relieved you are better. It’s also great to hear about your truly
outstanding display of Boffin–baffling. Congratulations! I can confirm that you and Matthew have broken the world record for Tandem Simultaneous Baffling of Big–brained Brain
Boffins.

I have enclosed two certificates, one for each of you.

Your letter arrived just in time. I leave today for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchaugga-goggchaubunagungamaugg, near the town of Webster, Massachusetts.
It has the longest place name in America, and has more letter ‘g’s than any other word in the world.

The name of the lake means something like Englishmen at Manchaug at the fishing place at the boundary’. The townspeople are hoping to
gather at least 2,461 Englishmen at the fishing place at the boundary, to break the previous record. I am going to count how many Englishmen turn up and, as an Englishman myself, take part in the
attempt.

With luck, Danny, this time next week, I could be a record breaker too!

Well done to both of you.

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

Danny and Matthew stared at their certificates.

‘Ace,’ said Danny.

‘Cool,’ agreed Matthew.

Dad ruffled Matthew’s hair. ‘You deserve that, Matt,’ he said. ‘Danny would have been in a real pickle without you.’

Mum sat at the kitchen table, fixing the broken toaster. ‘So, Danny, would you prefer a brother or a sister?’ she asked.

Danny and Matthew looked at each other as if they thought Mum had gone mad.

‘A brother, of course!’ answered Danny. He nodded towards his sister Natalie. ‘One Nasty Nat’s enough!’

Natalie put her tongue out at him. Danny pulled a face at her. Then his eyes widened as a new idea popped into his head.

‘I wonder what the world record is for the Stinkiest Nappy?’

Glossary of Danny Baker’s Gobbledegook

Bucket scoops – Hello

Ding-dong – Best wishes

Gumboots – Yes

Beep – No

Earwax – Please

Saddlebags – Thank you

Wobble – Doctor

Bobbin – Nurse

Beans – Mum

Toast – Dad

Bernard – Matthew

Drainy Babbler – Danny Baker

Captain Barnacle – Mr Bibby

Dopey – Natalie

GB – OK

Wonderfluff! – Ace!