The Will to Love (3 page)

Although the question was rhetorical, I smiled before I sipped from my drink again, which I held in my hand like a crutch. “Everything all right? How’s Grant?”

His name made the acid in my stomach churn and I suddenly had a sour taste in my mouth.

I was tired of the lies. My sister had no idea the two were still fucking each other on the down low, or if she did, she refused to discuss it with me.

Was it really cheating if I’d given him permission to be with his lover because it was the only way I could have him?

We were a damn good couple, and both the tabloids and entertainment magazines thought so too. I was Will’s drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend while the people in the know, both the insiders and the openly homosexual and bisexual artists laughed about us and called me Will’s beard.

It was a bit of a blow to the ego when I caught myself in the bathroom, freshening up my makeup and Chyna Bleu stepped in with one of her best friends. Chyna was bisexual and open about it despite having a child and a steady boyfriend.

“How’s Will doin’?” she inquired in a teasing manner.

I finished touching up my lip gloss before I put it back into my Louis Vuitton clutch. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wanted to make sure he wasn’t goin’ through withdrawals. He probably can’t get as much dick as he’s used to gettin’ with
you
in the way. And just so you know, I’ve never seen him bottom out for anyone…yet. He looks like a twink, don’t ya think? But he’s as masculine as they come. Probably why he picked a woman like you. You two make the perfect couple. Too bad it’s just a beautiful lie.”

She’d laughed as she’d left the ladies room and it took everything in me not to burst out in tears. It was near my time of the month and I’d been overly emotional anyway.

“Grant…is Grant.” Will snapped me out of the memory and I swigged from my drink again.

“What the fuck does that mean?” I stood again and began to pace because I didn’t want to be sitting across from him as he lit another cigarette from the butt of the one he’d been smoking.

“It means he and Sasha have gotten really close and he plans to ask her to marry him. He thinks we need to call off our…arrangement. He doesn’t want to cheat on her once they become…engaged.”

I opened my mouth to respond but I closed my mouth because I didn’t know what to say to this bit of news.

I was extremely happy about the turn of the events but not if it meant there would be another “Grant” I would have to deal with or if it meant he would be a surly dickhead to live with. Yes, I wanted him and what he did to me in the bedroom was amazing. I was also in love with him and too scared to admit it to him. Hell, I could barely admit to myself.

“Are you going to be okay?” I felt vapid as soon as the phrase left my mouth.

“What do you think?” Will stood and walked over to me. His hands cupped my face and my heart thudded in my chest with such a beat, I knew he could feel my pulse as his hands traced down my neck. “I love you, Laurel, I never lied to you but…I’m a gay man. I like dick. I find men hot and yes, you’re an exception but…Grant has been the glue that has held us together as long as we’ve survived.

“Don’t get me wrong…I can fuck you in the ass but I don’t really want to. It’s not the same as feeling as me pressed against another hard body and stroking another cock while I’m pounding a guy. And just so you know, there’s only been Grant since we’ve been…serious…but I’m in love with the guy and have been for a long time so to answer your question, no, I won’t be fuckin’ okay.”

I bit my lower lip hard enough to draw blood. “So, do you want to end this? Tell me now because I couldn’t handle you sleeping with a different guy. This has been hard enough and I know you were honest but…if I could take my emotions back, I would. You’re not worth my love or what I have to put up with to be with you.”

I backed away as his hands slipped from my neck. “Do you know the humiliation I have to live with? Being called a ‘fag hag’ and people thinking we have no sex life? Your mother bought me a rabbit for my birthday because she told me that I had needs that had to be satisfied too and obviously I wasn’t gettin’ any from you. Your sister thinks I’m some airhead chick and keeps berating me for standing in the way of you being you and your brother comes on to me because he won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”

Will’s gorgeous blue eyes warmed slightly. “Yeah, well, we can’t pick our family and my sister has always thought I was a coward because I won’t come out. ‘Why couldn’t you be dating someone like Wentworth Miller?’ she asked me the last time we spoke on the phone. She thinks it’s easier being a gay rock star than it would be if I was a gay hip-hop star—”

“Blame that stupid Macklemore and Ryan Lewis song for
that
misconception.” I crossed my arms against my breasts. “However, a lot has changed and you don’t have to be with me. Yeah, Grant is taken but I’m not completely selfish. I will let you go if that’s what you want. I want you to be…happy.”

Will ran his hands through his hair and looked down to the ground. “Yeah, happiness isn’t on the table but contentment is and I would rather stick with you than get stuck with someone I don’t want to be with. I was in love with Grant and another guy just can’t replace him.”

“I didn’t think it was that simple.” I turned away.

He exhausted me and all I wanted to do was go to bed. I couldn’t have this conversation tonight.

“Where are you going?”

“Bed.” I shook my head before I strolled inside, set my glass on the counter, and climbed the stairs.

I was thankful I had a bedroom suite of my own due to my wardrobe alone. I undressed and pulled on a silk nightgown before I settled into the bed.

My head spun from too much vodka and chronic but I had no trouble getting to sleep once I closed my eyes.

Chapter Two

Will

WILL INSTANTLY REGRETTED the way he’d spoken to Laurel as soon as she turned away from him and walked back inside.

Sometimes he had times whether he really didn’t know whether he was coming or going and tonight was one of those nights.

He knew it was coming but once the words left Grant’s mouth, he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.

They’d been together, as friends and lovers, for over five years.

However, it was ultimately Will’s decision that they end what they had together sexually. He assumed Grant would fight his decision but he’d readily agreed and confessed he’d been thinking the same for months.

Will had a pretty good reason why he’d ended their sexual relationship. He couldn’t make his present relationship with Laurel work if he still had an abnormally close relationship with his band mate.

But how could Grant allow a fucking chick to come between them and what they had so easily? Sasha wasn’t even that gorgeous when she stood side-by-side with her sister.

Yes, Sasha was pretty, if one liked the stick-up-her-ass, rich beauties with deep intelligent eyes, and X-ray vision who knew he was a danger to her blossoming relationship with Grant.

She’d made it her life’s mission to get rid of him and in the end, Grant had caved like the fucking bitch boy he was. All over a piece of pussy.

True, Grant was bisexual and loved women as much as he did men. He found both sexes equally appealing and seductively alluring. He didn’t have the same hang ups Will had and he wouldn’t even tell Sasha they were still seeing each other on the down low. He couldn’t even be honest with the woman he supposedly loved.

Will loved Laurel because he’d underestimated her. He just knew she would tell her sister what was going on but she never said a word.

The young woman he thought was nothing but a “stupid girl” and would be easily manipulated didn’t turn out to be such a dim bulb after all. She turned out to be a very intelligent and beautiful woman.

He’d never been attracted to women at all but there was something very alluring about her he couldn’t put his finger on. For the first time in his life, he found himself wanting a woman in a sexual way though he still found men incredibly attractive.

The tour was the test that changed everything.

She’d held up like a pro and didn’t complain not once, despite the long hours and the grueling schedule. She’d taken over when Sydney had an unexpected miscarriage and was now the official photographer for both Scarlet Fever and Winter’s Regret.

Laurel was extremely intelligent, she had a job that paid well and she was also an heiress too. Everything between them should have been perfect had it not been for his unwavering feelings for Grant.

Then tonight happened and everything seemed to slowly fall apart at the seams. He didn’t want to lose her because regardless how ambiguous he felt in terms about his homosexuality, she was the woman for him.

Will knew it innately because Laurel was in love with him and there was no way in hell he would give that up, ever.

He loved her and she was very special to him but he couldn’t imagine falling in love with her because he’d already found the love of his life and the love was not returned.

It hurt like a son of a bitch but he also knew he would have to straighten up and fly right if he didn’t want to lose her.

Will smoked another cigarette, finished his beer, and walked back inside his home earned by all the hard work Scarlet Fever had achieved over the years. He was twenty-six years old and had the bank account most people his age could only dream about.

The thought reminded him of the double edged sword of fame. It was great to be known and appreciated for one’s music however his private life didn’t belong to him and although there were many out and proud homosexual artists, those in the music community were few and far between.

Scarlet Fever was a brand and he had their fans to think about. How gung ho would some of them be if they found out one of the members was a homosexual? Introspect Records nor their immediate superior, Dominic Stenfeldt, were willing to risk it, and thus had advised Will he would have to firmly stay in the closet.

He walked up the stairs, stripped out of his clothes and started the shower in his personal bathroom. Laurel had her own bathroom in the suite but he noticed she wasn’t in their bed. She had a suite of her own due to the amount of clothing she owned therefore he’d assumed she’d decided to sleep in her suite but that was unacceptable to him. She wouldn’t pout and get away with it because he wouldn’t allow her to do that. He was capable of putting up with a lot but he was also extremely controlling and no one would ever tell him how he could and couldn’t run his life.

The shower felt good against his skin and he scrubbed vigorously; he needed the scent of Grant off his skin because to be reminded of him might make him break down and cry; mourn the love of his life that was never meant to be.

Will washed his hair and rinsed off before he stepped out and dried himself off, moisturized his skin and strolled to Laurel’s spare bedroom. He found her asleep in a ball, her small body hidden underneath the covers. She was so small and delicate, it took nothing for him to lift her up and walk her back to the bedroom suite they’d shared.

She stirred but whether she awoke fully, he didn’t know. She never fought him and when he deposited her in their California King bed, she rolled over onto her side and quickly resumed resting.

He laid down in bed beside her and spooned her, basking in the feminine smell of her body and the way the silk nightgown she wore felt against his naked skin. He’d always slept in the nude and this was one aspect that never changed, not even during their relationship.

Will found it easy to slide an arm around her waist and pull her close as he buried his nose in the crux of her neck.

He would never understand how he had such complicated feelings for Laurel yet everything inside him that was primal and innate told him they were wrong for one another. She deserved a man who worshipped her and made her feel special; she would never ever get that from him.

If he knew what truly lurked in his heart of darkness and why he was being so selfish in the current situation, he would have let her go. He should have let her go but they’d passed the point of no return and he couldn’t bear to be apart from her.

Laurel was like a tattoo etched into his skin and he would always hold on to her tight and never let go.

THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Will woke before Laurel who still rested peacefully in his arms. He was horny, a by-product of a high sex drive, and although he craved Grant knowing now he was off limits, Laurel would do just fine. She had never been a mere substitute and he wasn’t about to turn her into one either.

He kissed her neck ever so softly while his hands roamed soft, feminine curves. She was extremely slender but her body was womanly and perfect for her height and weight.

It was hard for him to understand and almost impossible to explain to other people how he could find her sexually alluring when the vast majority of women did nothing for him. He’d never had those feelings of butterflies or rapid heartbeat when he saw a half-naked woman. Groupies disgusted him and although he managed to play it off quite well, he’d never been with any. He’d usually tag team with Grant and watch him get off on fucking a groupie before she was discarded and then he would finish himself off with Grant.

For someone who admitted to being bisexual, Grant, for all his masculinity though he had the cursed pretty boy looks too, was a classic bottom. He liked being fucked and it was a rarity when the situation had been reversed.

Will wondered what he would do now they were no longer together. He had a hard time picturing Sasha strapping on a dick and fucking Grant but weirder things were known to happen and the woman had always been an enigma to him.

Grant refused to discuss his sex life with Sasha to Will no matter how much he prodded and although Will freely talked about his sex life with Laurel, Grant would listen but never said anything about his girlfriend.

Laurel moaned out loud and Will realized his hands and fingers had a mind of their own. While he was still deep in the throes of his relationship that had just recently ended, his hands cupped Laurel’s breasts and squeezed her nipples.

She turned toward him, her gorgeous green eyes with hazel striations surrounding her pupils, were bright with lust and her mouth reached for his own. He closed over hers easily and as his tongue darted inside and took control over their kiss, she yielded to him easily. His hands raised up her nightgown and spread her legs before he fit himself between her slender thighs.

Morning sex between them usually was a primal act that was about a need to satisfy the other with minimal effort.

Will slid inside her easily; she was wet with desire and wrapped her arms around his neck as he thrust inside her slow and steady at first. He didn’t want to come yet because he was much too angry about the thoughts, which kept corrupting his coupling with his girlfriend.

Grant’s face, contorted in ecstasy as he drove himself deeper into his depths, his hard cock pressed against Will’s stomach blossomed in his imagination. His reality was quite different; buried inside his girlfriend without a barrier between bodily fluids, he began to fuck her harder, the way Grant liked it.

He ripped her negligee to expose her breasts and his mouth tackled a nipple as he licked and suckled, willing the memories to go away but they teased and tortured him without regard to his current predicament.