The Will to Love (10 page)

I moaned out loud to coax him on because if he didn’t have any fun, the next day would be that much rougher on me and at least if he was prepared to dump be over this, it wouldn’t be due to his lack of a good time.

Karl grabbed a hold of my neck and ground himself deeper inside me while he held my face just inches from him.

“Fuck her like you mean it, Will. Like you would fuck some boy toy. I just like being buried bareback inside your hot piece of ass so I can wait but I want to see you come. Otherwise, it’s no fun for me.”

I allowed my ex-lover to hold me as he nipped at my lips with a determined mouth. I didn’t want to kiss him because if we didn’t kiss passionately and with tongue then I could remain detached from the whole situation. I was just a participant in a scene of deviance and excess and debauchery, and that was all this night would ever mean to me.

I could bury it in the back of my mind, compartmentalize it and if Will never wanted to mention what we’d done again then that would be perfectly fine with me. I didn’t particularly wish to go down memory lane with certain parts of my past and tonight would be just another one that I would put in that box, lock the key and never think about again.

Sometimes living in denial wasn’t a weakness but a defense mechanism and if I couldn’t do that to myself then I would certainly self-destruct the way I saw one of my best friends coming apart at the seams. I would never allow myself to be a shell of human being like Faith.

Even in this world of depravity, I still saw the good in people and Karl wasn’t all bad but neither was Will. He’d done what he had to do to survive and if he could learn to love me unconditionally after tonight, he deserved a fucking medal because God knows I didn’t deserve his love though I would beg, get on my knees and demand he forgive me for something that was well beyond my control.

His cock seemed to swell inside me and he began to thrust harder, faster while Karl kissed my lips and his tongue slipped through my slightly parted mouth. I tried to pull away though my lips were in perfect sync with his, the way I could feel Will slamming into me and although I didn’t want to feel pleasure with all that pain, I did and when I came, it was pressed against Karl’s mouth as his tongue devoured mine.

My muscles clinched in both my rectum and my vaginal area at the same time and Will breathed hard as he kept pumping into me several more times before his ragged breath became a wave of heavy moans as he came.

The moment he removed himself, Karl commenced his action from the front and my whole body felt bruised, swollen and broken. I wouldn’t lie to myself when I felt like a small part of me died that night in that room and it was the last piece of decency and redemption I’d held on to for so long.

I vowed when I left Karl, I would never find myself in a position like this again yet here I was with my ex-lover pounding me hard and my current lover removing a condom and throwing it into the trash. He lay beside us and I clasped his hand nearest to mine, just to have some human contact with the man who owned my heart and maybe as a reassurance that tonight, right now, what I was doing, meant absolutely nothing in the scheme of things.

At least if I was considered a “cheater” in our relationship, it’d happened before his eyes and there were no messy secrets buried in my closet. I wouldn’t have to tell him about this night because we were both stone cold sober and nothing happened under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Karl sat up and brought me along with him but I only held on to his neck with one hand and while my naked breasts were pressed against his chest, Will kissed my neck before his eager lips demanded my own and I opened my mouth for him because I wanted him to know that no matter what another man was subjecting me to, he would always own every sacred part of me.

Another orgasm built deep inside, and although I was physically exhausted and had no wish to come again, my body had other ideas. I’d never come so many times in one night and to be honest, I didn’t really want to give in to the feeling of pleasure from an act that might have robbed me of my precious relationship with a man I could envision spending the rest of my life with.

“You’ll always have me,” Will murmured before he grabbed my hand and placed it on his dick, which was hard again.

Karl demanded another orgasm from my body and when I clinched up against his cock this time, he came too. I milked another orgasm from Will with just my hand and when my ex released me, I rolled over and collided with my current lover.

I was so tired, I couldn’t even close my legs and my whole body ached like I’d just had the workout of my life.

I could see bruises forming in certain spots and I knew I would have to make do with mostly covering up.

My lips were raw and yet numb. I couldn’t do a repeat performance and there would be no encore. My only wish was a warm bed and Will’s arms wrapped around me so tight, he would refuse to let me go, ever.

I turned my back to Karl and snuggled up against Will. The act itself needed to be done because I couldn’t take him thinking I was used goods or—God forbid—a slut. No, I wasn’t sliding my lace thong to the side for any man who would have me and this was definitely a one off that would
never
happen again.

Will seemed completely ambivalent about the whole situation and never once tried to put his arms around me or hold me tight. I was afraid a part of him would never look at me the same way again and that was my punishment. I didn’t want to take it because it felt like bitter medicine I had to swallow and it cloyed at my throat, and my precious heart that beat only for him.

Karl sat up and put his clothes back on in record timing.

“It was fun to get to see you again. We’ll definitely have to make a repeat performance out of this show. Enjoy the rest of your time at Club X-Tasy.”

I glared at him as he winked at me while I thought to myself,
Not on your fucking life
.

He strode to the door with a natural swagger in his steps, opened it and shut it behind himself as if nothing had happened between us and this was all a good night of fun and games.

I couldn’t do this to Will again. It was tearing me to pieces and like someone burning alive in an inferno of heat, I could feel my skin melt away from me like ashes left from the fire.

There would be no way my lover and boyfriend would look at me the same way again. If I’d ever had a sliver of a chance with this man, I’d just blown it and there was fuck all I could do about it.

Whatever he dished out to me, I would have to take it until it became too much and I couldn’t take it anymore and then, I’d have to leave.

Knowing that was our destiny was the hardest part about what happened tonight. God knows I hated myself for it but part of me hated Will too. He let this happen, all because he couldn’t keep his cock in his pants and this was what his need for a diversion had gotten us. We were in this situation because of him.

If he’d never brought me to Club X-Tasy, I wouldn’t have been blackmailed into sleeping with my former lover and I wouldn’t be the one carrying the burden that all of this—everything he
allowed
to happen—was
my
fault.

Chapter Eight

Will

WILL DRESSED QUICKLY and didn’t bother to look over at Laurel though from the way she slipped on her clothes, the humiliation from her debasement was apparent to anyone with a pair of eyes.

He wasn’t angry at Laurel, not really because she’d had very little to do with what happened. Sex was a primal act and yes, her body had responded but it wasn’t because she still had feelings for the animal who’d fucked her like she was a common whore.

Well, maybe that was overstepping the line. Actually, Karl had slept with her like an old familiar lover who knew how she liked it and understood every button to push. It wasn’t fair he knew her better than Will did and perhaps that’s what pissed him off.

He felt like the third wheel, wearing a condom with his own girlfriend while her ex had barebacked her and that pissed him off more than anything.

Laurel had mentioned she took a low hormone birth control; it was easier to get pregnant on those. There would be no way he would raise that fucker’s kid. He would make it his business to contact the pharmacy when they got back to the hotel. Karl would not leave an unwanted gift in their life and Will had no wish to hold her hand during a certain procedure.

Despite his liberal upbringing, he couldn’t ever justify abortion if the sex was consensual. This was one of those instances and he wouldn’t be able to hold her hand through it although she would probably rather end their relationship abruptly than stay with him, and have him make a decision like that.

Will looked over at her and walked over to her before he embraced her and held her close as she began to sob on his shoulder. “Stop it with the tears. None of this is your fault…if anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I shouldn’t have suggested we come back here. That was just stupid and plain thoughtless.”

Her hazel-green eyes looked into his, still perfect due to her waterproof mascara. “You couldn’t have known and this was just as much my fault as it was yours. I should have been honest.”

“You were…I’m the one who has been doing all the lying. I really don’t think we should keep blaming one another. That is not gonna help anyone. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

He grabbed her hand and they left the room and closed the door behind them. A red light over the door illuminated before it began to blink on and off.

“What the fuck is that about?” she wondered out loud.

“It just means it’s no longer occupied and needs to be cleaned before someone else can use the room.” Will rolled his eyes. “They’re fucking Germans. You know how they are about hygiene and what not.”

“A little too well. Or did you forget I lived with Karl for a while…or at least when he was in town because he did spend a lot of his time out of the country at the time.”

“Let’s not talk about him anymore…please.”

Laurel stared at him with a perplexed look on her face. “Okay. Sorry about that…I keep forgetting any mention of him has turned into an Achilles’ Heel for you.”

They walked down the hall and into the lounge area where outright debauchery and sex was on display before they climbed the stairs and were on the first floor again. It didn’t take them long before they’d reached the coat check area. Will and Laurel grabbed their coats and slid them on before they stepped outside via a backdoor exit.

There was security there too and a couple of limos waiting to take couples home.

“Where are you two off to?” one of the bodyguards inquired.

“Just to Vogue Hotel,” Laurel murmured out loud.

“Take the second limo. He’ll get you back to the hotel safely. Good night and I hope you enjoyed your night at Club X-Tasy.”

“It was a pleasure, as always.” She plastered on a smile before Will led her to the limo and they both hopped inside where it was cozy.

“I need a drink but I’ll wait until we get back to the hotel before I get well and truly plastered.”

“That’s the spirit.” She grabbed a mini bottle of Grey Goose sitting on ice and downed it in a couple of swallows. “That feels better.”

Will stared at her as she sifted through the alcohol and grabbed a miniature bottle of Cristal champagne. “Are you trying to get drunk before we get back to the hotel?”

“No, but I would like to be highly buzzed…if only to forget about tonight.”

He knew the look on his face was slightly hurtful despite knowing what she meant. She was disgusted with herself and what had happened with her ex but it wasn’t her fault.

So why am I secretly blaming her for what happened?

He’d been there and if Laurel could take it all back, she would but a part of him still hated her for responding to her ex-lover and enjoying what he did to her. He could keep all the questions he had to himself or he could ask her and hopefully get some answers without making her suffer too much.

Although she would suffer a little because I’m a sadistic prick and I want her to feel
my
fucking pain.

“How long were you with him?”

Her pretty hazel-green eyes already showed early signs of intoxication as she swallowed half the bottle of Cristal. “Too long.”

“And how many DVDs are out there with you spread-eagled, showing your goods to the world?”

Laurel shook her head. “No, Will. You don’t get to ask these kind of questions because private buyers bought those DVDs. It’s not like Karl sold them to Vivid Video. They were
commissioned
. One of a kind. I did at least fifty…maybe a hundred. Who the fuck knows? There were only a small number of buyers who were interested in the fake hard-core snuff videos so maybe they are spread among twenty collectors, maybe less. I don’t know and I didn’t ask. I just did what I was told by the man who claimed to love me and I always acted with the same two men: Severin or Karl.”

“My God, you allowed Severin to put his dick inside you?”

“No different than you putting your dick inside of Grant now
drop
the fucking subject.”

Will shook his head. “And here I was thinking you were a party girl but I had no idea you were into making videos and doing all this sick, twisted shit.”

“Yep…same as you were. You don’t think I don’t know what you did too? I don’t care if you were with Rory or not. He’s a freak too, just like his brother, but he has the ability for empathy whereas Severin doesn’t. I won’t speak of this again with you because we’ll just go around in circles and that doesn’t do either one of us a damn bit of good.”

Laurel finished her Cristal and tossed it in the recycle bin. “You have a past and I have a past but mine is no worse than yours. That’s not why you got together with me and if we break up, that’s not the reason why you’ll end it with me but I can see you’ll use it as a very convenient excuse.”

“I would do no such thing, Laurel. I’m just trying to understand what the fuck is going on here and why didn’t you tell me about any of this before.”

“Because I was ashamed! What part of that don’t you understand? Do you think I want to revisit that time in my life? I don’t and I won’t. If it makes you feel any better, what happened—what went down…it’s the reason why Faith is so fucked in the head. She did them too and now she’s burying her pain in sex, drugs and booze. That won’t be me because I’m
stronger
than that.” She collapsed against the back of the seat and turned away from him, her gorgeous hair a fan hiding her face.

Will looked her way until they reached the hotel and got out of the limo. Surprisingly, the alcohol had made her pliable and easy to control. She didn’t fight him when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and they walked up to their suite playing the part of the happy couple in love.

Once they arrived, she shrugged her coat off, unzipped her dress and walked straight to the bathroom. She wanted Karl’s—and his scent as well—off her body as quickly as possible.

He removed his coat and walked over to the bar. It was well stocked and as soon as he found a bottle of Bushmills Irish whiskey, he poured himself a healthy glassful and drank it down like it was water.

Will wasn’t playing with the getting fucked up part because if tonight had torn Laurel into two different directions then it was on the verge of tearing him apart at the seams. He was barely holding himself together because everything seemed to converge at once and he didn’t know where to turn.

His heart beat in his chest fiercely and his stomach was on fire from the strong single malt but he needed to feel the pain to make tonight real. If he could feel it from the inside then it wasn’t just his imagination and this one woman hadn’t just torn him a new asshole and then some.

Will had gotten his wish in a twisted way and fucking her the way he had was incredibly satisfying and even more so, knowing she’d enjoyed it and had no problems, inhibitions or fear when it came to the kind of sex he preferred.

Laurel was a kinky, naughty girl dressed up as the perfect, high society young woman. She certainly deserved someone much better than him but he wanted her around and he had every intention of keeping her.

Will refilled his glass and took out his phone. He checked his Facebook newsfeed but it was just a bunch of shit from friends and family. He had a couple of PMs from his sister and his mother but other than that, fuck all was going on. His phone began to go off and the ring tone from “Misery”, one of their songs from their upcoming album,
Nothing Lasts Forever
, lit up the room.

Fuck
, it was Kaz. What the hell did he want?

Will answered it reluctantly and put him on speaker phone as he set his Note down on the bar counter. “What?”

“Hey, did I call at a bad time?”

“This whole night has been pretty much been shit since you dropped us off so yeah, the timing isn’t great to be honest.” Will swigged from his whiskey and the affects were slowly lifting all the weight and pain of tonight off his shoulders. He felt lighter, freer than he’d been in a long time.

“Sorry to be such a nuisance…if I’d known it was your time of the month, I would have tried to plan this trip better—”