The Will to Love (2 page)

Chapter One

Laurel

AFTER A FULL day of working, only briefly broken up by lunch with the girls, I was exhausted beyond belief.

What had started off as joke to me due to Syd’s unexpected pregnancy—and subsequent miscarriage on the six month, Gods of Rock worldwide tour—had become a full time job for me. After we came back to the States once the tour ended, she helped out for a while before calling it quits and now the job was all mine.

It was a dream job. I was the official photographer for both Scarlet Fever and Winter’s Regret though I was under contract through Introspect Records. That meant they could hire me out to other artists under their company and I would be duly compensated when and if that ever happened.

I should have been happy, elated really, that a former “stupid girl” and airhead such as myself, who’d only cared about shopping and finding the next hot fuck, had actually ended up with a career handed to me on a silver platter.

Unfortunately, the last nine months had proven everything I seemed to be “gifted” in my life was always being given to me by default.

The same could be said for my personal life as well.

I wouldn’t have called myself blessed by any stretch of the imagination but I did seem to be quite lucky and for that, I should have felt elated.

I was dating Will Cullen, the sexy bass player from the internationally known band, Scarlet Fever, I had a career and I was finally carving out a life for myself that a year ago probably wouldn’t have ever been possible.

However, like my career, my relationship with Will was complicated, and definitely looked better on paper than what was my true reality.

The fact remained I had to learn the hard way the truth about love because I’d been in lust plenty of times, and in love once but Will was the first man who’d ever captured my heart, and it fucked everything up.

We’d met in the most unconventional of circumstances.

Scarlet Fever played at the twenty-third birthday for my best friend, Sydney Landvik. I was a party girl and everyone knew it, even Faith Maguire-Cohen, a mutual BFF of Sydney and I, could learn a thing or two from me. However, the difference between her and I was I never flaunted my promiscuity. It wasn’t exactly something I was proud of. Syd was afraid to go all the way and I could understand where her insecurities came from. My sister had also yet to go all the way before the craziness that was Syd’s birthday extravaganza but she was all about business so it’d made sense.

What absolutely didn’t make any sense to me at all was how my sister could end up with the one guy who I had given myself to sexually: Grant.

It seemed a life time ago even if it had only been two years and even then, I got the feeling he was spoken for although he didn’t have a girlfriend.

Imagine my utter surprise when I found out he was protecting Will, his best friend and
boyfriend
.

The man who now shared my bed and came home to me at night.

I suppose I knew Will was different from the moment we met because I’d never had a male friend. Men weren’t for friendship; they were there to fuck and that was the long and the short of it. I wasn’t afraid of my sexuality and knew I was beautiful with my healthy olive skin, silky brown hair highlighted with honey-blonde streaks, intriguing hazel-green eyes, a gorgeous face and amazing body. I was slender by nature and it had nothing to do with me starving myself or eating properly. I was one of those few blessed women with a great metabolism and could eat any and everything I wanted and I didn’t gain weight, period.

I didn’t have the height of my best friend but at five feet, five inches and one hundred and fifteen pounds, I knew I was hot and I had no qualms about my body what so ever.

Then the tour happened and before I knew it, what started off as friendship blossomed into more but there were strings attached. I learned the hard way when it came to Will, there were always strings attached to everything he did.

He expected me to be monogamous to him but I had to understand that he was a gay man by nature and he liked gay sex. It wasn’t enough to fuck me in the ass because I wasn’t a man and I would never ultimately be what he craved unless I grew facial hair, cut off my breasts and grew a cock.

That was never gonna happen because I loved being a woman and besides, I’d never compromised myself for any man. It’s not what I did or was hardwired to do.

All the sudden, I was breaking my own rules and compromising for Will. I allowed him to carry on his affair with Grant—unbeknownst to my sister, Sasha—and turned the other cheek.

I pretended I didn’t know what they did or at least I convinced myself I didn’t want to know what they did and it worked out great during the Gods of Rock Tour.

Once we arrived back to Los Angeles and normal life—or what was now considered normal to me—returned, I realized that some decisions had to be made because I couldn’t do this anymore.

However who was I fooling? I was chicken shit. I would rather live a lie with Will than to not have a relationship with him at all.

The reality of my situation sank in and it hit me like a goddamn wrecking ball: I’d gone and fallen in love with the dumb homosexual prick and there was no turning back.

In three words: I. Was. Fucked.

GRANT RETURNED LATE from where ever he’d gone but that was not a surprise.

I wandered around his palatial Hollywood Hills home and smoked a joint while I enjoyed vodka and fresh squeezed orange juice on ice. It calmed me down and definitely prepared me for what I was about to face when he walked through the front door.

At least that’s what I kept telling myself but there would never be any real preparation for what he’d put me through.

I couldn’t even blame him because it was just as much my fault as it was his. I had allowed him to get away with it—hell, I’d even agreed to it!

It didn’t matter: I could never get used to our open relationship and to be honest, it didn’t matter whether the person was male or female, I simply didn’t want to share him anymore with anyone.

Cut and dried.

Black and white.

I was done with seeing shades of fucking gray.

I pretended to read the latest episode of
Society Magazine
as I sat on the sofa while sipping from my second drink. My heart pounded within my chest and I hoped he wouldn’t feel the panic coming off of me in waves.

He set his keys down in a silver dish next to the front door and the sound of them made me jump a bit.

This was silly; I’d been with this man for almost a year and endured a six month tour with him. We’d spent more time together than apart so why was I a ball of nerves with clammy palms and sweat sticking to the back of my neck?

Innately, I knew where he’d been and that was more frightening than anything we would eventually talk about.

Will appeared in the sitting room and smiled at me with genuine warmth. It was a grin that could melt a million hearts and easily affected me every time he graced me with its presence.

Although when we’d first met, he was tall and overly lean, he’d actually filled out while we’d been on tour. He’d started lifting weights and had been on a major health kick that differed from his usual vegetarian regime.

His body was still lean but he looked like a man instead of a teenager. Even with his shaggy hair, the color of pale wheat, which was clean, hung pin-straight and glossier than most women’s locks. The face that went with the hair was just as gorgeous with enough flaws to keep him from being perfect. A good bone structure blended sculpted cheekbones, a patrician nose, crystal blue eyes, sensual lips and a square jaw completed a handsome package.

He wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a ripped white tee-shirt with the Thirty Seconds to Mars logo on the front. I stood without realizing what I was doing or what I planned to say to him but all the sudden, I felt overly nervous as I gazed at him a beat too long.

Will smiled slightly, a usual greeting from him, before he headed to the kitchen and grabbed a Beck’s from the fridge, used the bottle-cap opener to flip the top off, and made his way out to the back yard where there was a lit square-shaped pool/Jacuzzi combo and several comfortable loungers.

Obviously something happened and he had no wish to tell me.

That was one of his many flaws I would never ever be able to get used to; his silences, which weren’t necessarily meant to rude but there was a menacing power that radiated from him when he wasn’t in the best mood. However, he never had a violent bone in his body—unless one considered rough sex—and although he was an extremely masculine man despite his pretty boy looks, he still could make me feel unsure about myself and insecure.

“Hey,” I murmured as I walked outside and sat across from him.

He smoked a cigarette and glared at me with clear blue eyes before he greeted, “Hey, you. I know how much you hate the smell so…I just decided to come out here and chill for a few minutes.”

“Well, it’s a peculiar habit for a health freak, don’t ya think? I mean…why don’t you switch to electronic ciggies?”

“Because those are just as bad—if not worse—than these. Plus…it’s my only vice. Let me enjoy it. We already live in the supposedly health capitol of the world yet no one has an issue with drugs that don’t smell, like cocaine or heroin. It’s quite ironic, don’t ya think?”