The Virgin Master (21 page)

“Ask me, James.”

“Do you,” Evan paused, licking his lips, trying to think how to
 
put the question in the best possible light, “do you ever get, you know, aroused, during discipline sessions?”

Chris smiled. “Well, yeah. So does Jason. Sometimes he asks for discipline
…
especially when he thinks we might be drifting apart or something.”

Evan gawked at what sounded like an admission
of an emotional attachment. “So you feel something for Jason?”

Chris put his arm around Evan and drew him to the side, further away from the others.

“All
that business about
inappropriate emotional attachment? Can’t be enforced. None of my friends react to their slaves as objects behind closed doors. Everybody I know, or that I’m close to anyway, well, we love them. I know that might not be the case in the majority of situations
, b
ut I don’t think I could really like or respect a person who treated their personal slave strictly according to regulations.”

Chris glanced around to be sure nobody could overhear them. “I mean, you don’t talk about it
. N
ot to anyone. You took a real chance just asking that question. But, I love Jason. He loves me. When we’re alone at home, we aren’t
m
aster and
s
lave; we’re just Chris and Jason.”

Evan sagged against Chris with relief. “That’s …”

“
Shhh
. Don’t admit anything to me. You’re still a probationary
m
aster. But if you’re wondering how many people have that kind of set-up
? A
ll of my friends do. Hell, me and Jason and Helena
? W
e’re a family. We all realize I’ll have to get married someday to satisfy my Dad’s obsessive need for an heir after me, but it will have to be some woman who has the same kind of relationship with her personal slave
who won’t turn me in. So, if you have feelings for this man; that would be normal, in my experience. Especially if it’s someone you’d be attracted to anyway
. Now,
you have his whole life in your hands. Psychologically
I don’t see how

you could escape having feelings for him. What brought all this on?”

“We had discipline inspection Saturday. God, Chris I’ve never hated myself so much in my life.”

“Turned you on, didn’t it?’ Chris grinned at him. “I bet it turned your slave on, too.”

“I think part of it did. So, that’s normal?”

“Seems to be. Discipline is really intimate. He’s naked and totally vulnerable. Totally at your mercy. Emotions run about as high as they can. Adrenaline flows. Fear and testosterone are heavy in the air. If anger and disappointment aren’t involved, it can be pretty erotic. I mean
,
knowing you, you’ve already been on the internet trying to find out what the hell is wrong with you, haven’t you?”

“
Yes. I found a whole lot of erotica based on bondage and discipline. But that’s all consensual. Jeremy doesn’t get to have a safe word.”

“Evan….when it’s just the two of you, why not? You can
decide
to make it consensual, who the hell will ever know?”

“I can’t afford to feel this way about him. I swore to myself that there would never be anybody again but Justin. And, Chris
,
I already feel like I would die if they took him away from me. If
…
  I do what I want….”

“You haven’t even had sex with him yet, have you?”

E
van shook his head. Chris sighed. “Has he said he doesn’t
w
ant to?”

“No. But what else would he say? I fucking own him. He hasn’t got a choice.”

“Evan…he does if you give him one. Listen…this can be whatever the two of you want it to be behind closed doors. Don’t confuse his legal status with reality. He can have whatever you want to give him as long as nobody finds out and reports you. See?”

Evan just stared at Chris. “I guess that’s right.”

“It’s been over four years since…well, since. Right?”

“Yes,” Evan whispered.

“Justin was my friend too. You had an amazing relationship, but Justin wasn’t perfect. You’re not perfect. I do know one thing
.
Justin loved you with all his heart and soul and wherever he is, if he’s watching,
he so wants
to kick your ass for blaming him because you’re too afraid to get hurt again to let anybody love you.”

“That’s not…”Evan spluttered.”

“Yes it is. Losing Justin almost killed you. You’re afraid you might love somebody else and lose them, too. Guess
what. You might not lose them. At least not for a long, long time.
Do you want to live the rest of your life the way you’ve lived the last four years?”

Evan thought for longer than he should have. “No.”

“And, Evan? We all lost him, too. Not only did we lose
him
, but
we
 
lost
you
.”

Chris pulled Evan into a quick, tight embrace.
“First
we’re all going to my apartment and eat some pizza. Then I want you to go home. Talk to your boy. Take what you can get out of life, Evan. I can see by the look on your face when you talk about him that you’re already gone for him. Okay? ” Chris gave him a little shake.

“Invite us to dinner when you get settled down. You’ll find all of your old circle of friends sympathetic. It might do your boy some good to get to talk to some other personal slaves. Or at least, the way we do it.”

Evan’s mind reeled.
Am I just so selfish that I can’t re
ach out
due to fear? I thought I was doing this for Justin’s memory. Or for Jeremy’s sake. Was that just an excuse to hide?
In the space of two weeks he had learned more about himself than he had learned in the past fifteen years. None of it especially good. He deliberately tried to think about making love to Jeremy. His body enthusiastically voted for it. His heart and mind
were
still in caucus.

Evan went home and showered after the basketball game, and the after-game pizza party at Chris’. He didn’t see Jeremy. He looked down the hallway and saw that Jeremy’s bedroom door was closed. He felt something he could only describe as yearning to go to the man. But, he needed to think this through. He needed to be sure he really felt the way he thought he did and that he just wasn’t using Jeremy like some kind of drug to ease his pain about Justin. He also had to consider Jeremy’s feelings. He hadn’t known he could feel worse, but Jeff agreeing with his perception that Jeremy might be in love with him, made him feel cornered. He couldn’t love Jeremy and he couldn’t accept Jeremy’s love. He had sworn on Justin’s dead body. Jeff was right
, though H
e couldn’t condemn Jeremy to a loveless existence just because he had lost Justin.

He noted that his determination to stay true to Justin’s memory felt a little bit eroded around the edges. Everybody who had known them both, Jeremy included, firmly believed that Evan’s continued fidelity would not honor Justin. Chris had
even called him selfish.
Was it
selfish? Was most of this determination really
avoidance
of getting hurt again? How in the world could he know for sure?

Then he saw the stack of mail on the hall table. Even from across the room he could see the dark brown envelope that marked a communication from Slave Regulation.

Fear froze him to the floor.
If I don’t care, why am I so afraid to see the

results? I can’t trust myself. I already care too much. I’ll die if I have to do that again. To him. Especially now, when he believes he doesn’t even have my friendship to help him get through it.
Evan just stood there rooted to the floor. He needed Jeremy. They needed to read it together. He looked at the clock. They had stayed on the basketball court until sundown and then spent a lot of time talking over the pizza. It was too late to face this now. Tomorrow. He would take it to work and they would open it together, tomorrow.

Evan spent a tense, sleepless night.

Jeremy and Jeff were in deep discussion, heads lowered over a financial statement. Evan took in the scene with a smile.  At least Jeremy had thawed toward Jeff. Jeremy lay on his stomach on two huge fuchsia pillows, legs bent up with his feet waving in the air,
and Jeff knelt on one knee by his side. Both men looked up as Evan entered. Jeff smiling and Jeremy carefully neutral.

“Jeff, can I have a minute alone with Jeremy?’

“Of course. We’re finished anyway. Jeremy, I’ll wait for your spreadsheet before I make a decision. See you, Evan.” Jeff left without noticing Jeremy’s panicked expression.

Evan shut the door behind him and sat down on the floor where he and Jeremy could easily make eye-contact. Jeremy started to rise to an appropriate kneeling position, but Evan stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Jeremy’s white silk shirt allowed all of the heat of his heavily muscled shoulder to reach Evan’s palm.
Evan was
amazed at the amount of erotic charge that simple touch set off in them. Evan bit his lower lip as Jeremy’s warmth
sent
spark
s
flood
ing
through his body.
He saw that
Jeremy held his breath as Evan’s hand set his chest and stomach on fire with want and
need. They avoided each other's
eyes for a
moment. Evan didn’t move his hand and Jeremy didn’t pull away.

Silently, Evan laid the unopened brown envelope down on the floor between them with his other hand. The hand that wasn’t busy clinging to Jeremy’s shoulder. Jeremy looked at the envelope with fear shining in his eyes. He finally made eye contact.

“I thought we needed to see this together.”

“Whatever you decide, Master.” Jeremy said dully. Evan saw the hurt in his eyes and mentally kicked himself. Hard. He knew what he needed to say, but he really needed to see the letter first.

“Jeremy, after we look at this, will you talk to me for a little
while.”

Jeremy dropped his eyes to the floor. “Of course.” Still the neutral slave intonation. Evan knew he deserved it. Jeremy had to protect himself, too. Evan slid closer to Jeremy, picking up an unused pillow and sitting shoulder to shoulder with him as he opened the menacing envelope. His hands shook a little as he took the letter out and they both read it.

J
uly 21, 2
315

Mr. James:

It is my pleasure to report that you have successfully completed discipline inspection. I am writing this letter to personally congratulate you on being in the 2% of new Masters who pass this inspection on the first try.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact the Ombudsman for the Office of Slave Regulation.

Sincerely,

Victor
Rosenblum

Victor
Rosenblum
, Director

Office of Slave Regulation

Evan thought his head might e
xplode with relief. Realization
burst through him of just how much he had been dreading a repeat performance. Not looking forward to it. Dreading it. Without thinking he turned and pulled Jeremy into his arms. Jeremy came stiffly and did not relax against him. Evan finally noticed and gently released him. Jeremy was not without his defenses it seemed.

Evan slid closer still and put his arms loosely around Jeremy’s shoulders. Jeremy stared off into space.
Justin, I’m sorry. I know you want me to be happy. Now I want me to be happy, too.

“
Jer
, I’m sorry. I know I didn’t make myself clear that Saturday….”