The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (23 page)

If punishment fits your scene, with intense sensations like clamps, spanking, whipping, paddling, and other types of pain, follow these guidelines and suggestions:

•
     
It is absolutely required that you carefully discuss what is going to happen. It must be clear that you both want to explore pain in the context of erotic play. The receiving partner must give explicit consent.

•
     
Start slowly; don't ratchet up the pain level before the recipient is suitably warmed up.

•
     
Begin with light sensation. Your hands are ideal for this—caress, squeeze, knead, lightly slap, and spank.

•
     
Speak to your partner throughout. You can speak in character, whisper dirty talk, and say things you know will excite your lover. Asking how they like what you're doing can be part of your dialogue.

•
     
Alternate spanking or whipping with different tactile sensations such as fur, satin, heat, ice, hot wax, biting, and scratching.

•
     
Never strike the lower back, head, neck, face, or bony areas such as the spine or knees.

•
     
Stimulate your partner genitally.

•
     
Don't forget to have fun incorporating bondage and blindfolds.

•
     
Use sex toys.

•
     
In a sixty-nine position, you can spank or penetrate them while they perform oral sex on you.

Public S/M Clubs

If you live in a large city, your kinky play needn't be confined to the privacy of your home. With nearly half of the adult population in the U.S. engaging in one form of kinky sex or another (according to Dr. Gloria Brame's book
Come Hither
), and with the increasing acceptance of S/M imagery in the mainstream culture, more and more couples are becoming interested in and involved with S/M. Hence the proliferation of public S/M clubs and kinky-themed parties.

Public S/M dungeons are typically giant warehouses or dance clubs converted into a variety of themed play-spaces, with accommodations ranging from the minimal—a large room with some bondage equipment—to the outrageous. You're likely to see equipment that looks like movie set dressing: cages, racks, crosses, whipping benches, bondage chairs, and more. The larger, fully equipped clubs, such as San Francisco's Power Exchange, might have three levels, a dance floor, stripper pole, re-created jail cells, a decked-out dungeon, and over a dozen themed rooms to satisfy almost any kind of fantasy play you can imagine. These bigger spaces also boast a number of areas where people can be publicly whipped and flogged, and professional dominants of all genders often make an appearance for public beatings of anyone who will make a donation to charity. These are the clubs where events such as slave auctions are held, often with theme nights such as “naughty schoolgirl” or military dress. If these clubs sound erotically interesting to you, get a little background and a primer for sex club etiquette in
Chapter 8
, “Public Sex.”

Sex is seldom allowed in public S/M clubs, but when it is, safer-sex guidelines are required—condoms
for all penetration, sometimes including fellatio. Because the clubs are open to the public, and even though most clubs make it expensive or prohibitive for single men to attend, single guys do turn up to watch couples and dominatrixes play, often masturbating while they watch. Couples or singles who want to avoid intrusive single men might choose to attend on couples-only nights, or take their play into more private spaces. The public clubs often have women-only and men-only nights as well. But for many, the thrill comes with being seen. Just the knowledge that someone is watching them administer a flogging or receiving a spanking is an incredible turn-on.

Public clubs generally advertise in the back sections of weekly newspapers—unless it's Halloween, of course, at which time these clubs may boast full-page ads in the main parts of the paper. You can also find them regionally through online sex resources such as
www.Erosguide.com
,
www.Janesguide.com
, and sex tourism books such as the
Horny?
guidebook series.

Check to see if there is a theme on the night you want to visit, or if there are limitations on attendees—no single men on certain nights, couples-only on Fridays, etc. Typically, the clubs impose strict dress codes, meaning no street clothes or business suits, and S/M gear, role-play costume, or fetish wear is required. A clothes check or lockers are provided to facilitate sexy dress. Admission prices vary, but on average you can expect to pay around $40 (and up to $75) per couple, about the same price for single men, and half that price for single women. Some clubs offer discounts for couples who provide a valid NASCA membership card (see
Chapter 8
, “Public Sex,” for information on the North American Swing Club Association). Two women usually can get the couple's
rate, and single men may have to agree to further restrictions such as wearing a towel, with very strict enforcement of the “no street clothes” rule. No drugs or alcohol are allowed in the clubs, and as with any sex party, don't bring unneeded valuables with you into the club.

Organizations and Private Clubs

There are BDSM organizations in all major North American and European cities, populated by beginners, dabblers, regular players, professionals, and lifestyle players. These organizations provide a place for the local community to network, socialize, learn from each other, work on projects together, and create private events where members can play in fully equipped private dungeons. You don't need to be a member of any club to enjoy and learn about BDSM, nor do you need to join just to see their listings of private playspaces. Quite a few S/M organizations organize play parties for their members only, but you can also find parties open to nonmembers; these organizations often publish a calendar of events. They can open a window to worlds you might find exciting to explore, provide referrals to reputable professional doms, and give you access to private playspaces where strict etiquette protects you from interlopers interrupting your scene, or thumping dance music ruining your prison-cell fantasy.

Kinky and S/M subcultures may seem shrouded in mystery, rife with odd rules, signals, and customs, and punctuated with jargon and code words. But educational and support groups for members are warm and welcoming to newcomers, and their calendars include everything from casual meetings to demonstrations of various techniques and special-occasion parties. These
subcultures' S/M play parties and events will be a far cry from the wild party scene of public S/M clubs; in its place you'll find a group that takes its S/M play and behavioral rules very seriously
and
knows how to have a wickedly hot time. Events featuring S/M play include dungeon evenings, charity fund-raisers, leather fairs, and street festivals. Be prepared to see things at these events you've never seen before, and to soak up a lot of kinky inspiration.

Seeing a Professional Dominatrix

Have you ever wanted to turn over control to an experienced, professional dominant woman or man? A dominatrix (also called a
domme
, or
dom
) might fit the bill. With a pro, you can taste the experience of submission—or share dominance—with a tried-and-true expert. You can watch your lover being bound and disciplined, you can take turns, or you can negotiate any type of power-exchange fantasy you have in mind.

Whether you're both just a little interested in playing kinky games or are well-versed in S/M scenes and power play, a session with a professional dominatrix, BDSM instructor, or professional male dominant can spice up your sex play and leave you with wonderfully wicked ideas to explore on your own. Pro doms have years of experience, all the equipment you can imagine, and dungeons and fantasy playrooms where they can make your power-exchange fantasies come true. And, while seeing a pro dom means that there is no sexual contact of any kind, you can bet you won't be able to keep your hands off each other after leaving the sexually supercharged atmosphere of the dungeon.

With a pro dom, you can safely explore fantasies
such as being tied up, spanking, whipping, punishment, bondage in leather or ropes, role-play scenes that involve dominance and submission, foot worship, transvestitism, and even fetish fantasies that include rubber, isolation, human animal play, adult babies, mummification, and other exotic pursuits. Some dominants and commercial dungeons also offer fantasy sessions that are not necessarily S/M in nature. You can negotiate a scene where one of you experiences one of these scenarios while the other watches; where you both submit together; you both take turns submitting; one “assists” the dominant; or one of you is tied up and “forced” to watch. As long as there is an exchange of power where one or both of you is submissive, the sky's the limit. A number of dominatrixes specialize in doing scenes with couples, and some offer tutoring sessions in dominance training.

Discuss with your partner beforehand what you'd like to get out of a scene. Will either of you want to submit, watch, or assist? Do you want to trade off, or try submission after watching first? You're going to need to discuss specifics when you negotiate the scene with the dominant; the more details you have worked out, the more satisfying you can make your scene. Reputable dominants who work on their own offer telephone consultations in which you discuss your fantasies, the dominant's limits, and your limits, and make decisions about scenarios. When you call a commercial dungeon that employs multiple dominants, you will speak to a fantasy consultant who will direct you to the professional who can best bring your scene to life. Or you may be asked to come in to negotiate in person, and you may be given a tour of the facilities (the address is typically disclosed once you make an appointment). Discretion and privacy are given priority in every
exchange. Some use the term
couple
interchangeably with
group
, so when you call you may hear about “group” rates (or “donation” rates, depending on the local laws). Be sure to select a dominatrix or dungeon that explicitly states they do sessions with couples.

Seeing a dominatrix or visiting a commercial dungeon isn't cheap—but it can be an experience well worth saving up for. Sessions are typically booked for half-hour or one-hour time slots. You can expect base prices at a commercial dungeon to start at $100 for a half-hour session and $140 for a full hour, and high-priced dungeons will charge as much as $1000 an hour. Individual dominants may charge $200 per hour. Ask what types of payment they accept before you arrive—commercial spaces accept credit cards and cash, as do most private practitioners—and be sure to ask what name will appear on your billing statement if you have privacy concerns. Payment is made before your session.

CHAPTER
11

Sex Games

How far are you prepared to go in your quest for erotic fun? Sex games are for adventurous lovers who are willing to try something new on a dare, like smearing each other with whipped cream, taking naughty photos, making their own dirty movies, and using Internet technology to share live webcams of their most exposed moments.

Ten Erotic Escapades

Maybe it's that when we get turned on, our minds become a little bit devious. Take seduction and arousal as far as it can go with a simple sex game—a little tip, trick, or suggestion to spice up your routine or make your sexual encounter unforgettable.

Fit to Be Tied

Tie your lover's hands together and then invite them to make love to you. Watch them trying to remove your undies with their teeth. Next time, switch roles.

Treasure Hunt

Leave a series of notes and sexy presents like sex toys and batteries, lube and champagne, leading your lover throughout the house until they reach the final prize—you.

Sex Coupons

Make your own redeemable sex coupons, and present them as a package, present them as “rewards,” or hide them one at a time where your lover will find them. Make them redeemable upon receipt, and good for things like “a quickie,” “hot oral sex,” and “role play as an erotic masseuse.”

Daring-Do

Trade erotic dares, seeing how far you will go. Dare your lover to tell you a fantasy, a sexual secret, perform a striptease, masturbate, flash you in public.

The Voyeur

Give your lover permission to watch you from a secret hiding place as you undress and bathe—then crank up the heat by masturbating. Make sure to put on a really good show.

Any Game Will Do

Play any game—miniature golf, poker, pinball, pool—with the prize being that the winner's erotic fantasy comes true. In a twist on this game, the loser gets tied up, spanked, or must put on a dirty show.

Show and Tell

Tell your lover which parts of his or her body really turn you on, and why. Touch the hot spots as you talk about them. Take turns.

Sex Mannequin

One of you becomes a mannequin, unable to move while you are being touched, kissed, undressed, fondled, and especially, penetrated. Next time, switch.

Shopping Spree

Buy your sweetie a gift certificate to an adult sex toy store and set an expiration date—make the date an upcoming weekend at a hotel.