The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (11 page)

What are your boundaries for having sex with others? Will this be something you do only in each other's presence? Or are you interested in starting an “open relationship”? Polyamory, in its many varied and wonderful combinations, is another subject altogether, and there are a number of books and online resources on the subject. (See
Chapter 13
, “Resources.”)

Many couples make rules for their adventures with others, setting limits intended to keep both partners comfortable with the shared sex play. For instance, a woman might feel okay with a sexual encounter that includes another woman and her boyfriend, but may want to set limits such as “no kissing,” “no penis–vagina penetration,” or “no oral sex.” Others might make rules like “penetration is okay only if you're kissing me,” “stay focused on me,” “you can only touch him if you follow my instructions,” or “only touch both of us at the same time.” Imagine your partner kissing another lover, and if it makes you uncomfortable, take it off the menu. Your comfort level around particular sex acts will change over time, so don't feel that your rules are set in stone. You establish them for your partner—and your partnership—but you can change them if you feel good about the changes.

Don't emphasize your prohibitions, of course. Remember, also, to think about what might turn you on—and put that on the menu. Would you like your partner to watch you kiss, perform oral sex, or make love with a woman or a man? Perhaps you'd like to watch your lover doing the same things—better yet, watch your sweetie perform a sex act that really turns you on while you embrace the sexy stranger. Or perhaps you have a
fantasy sex position in mind, where you're in the middle of a “love sandwich,” giving and receiving in a daisy chain of oral sex. Strap-ons can make simultaneous penetrations come true in ways you've only imagined.

This is the cardinal rule for sex with extra partners: Do only the things that turn you on, make you hot, and make you both feel good. Your partnership should always be more important at every moment than the experience you're having. Don't be afraid to say that you can't deal with something, and don't be afraid to stop the action if you become upset. Check in with each other's feelings as often as possible. Remember, this is about a fantasy you share—if one of you is having a bad time, it's not working and should be changed or stopped. Many couples who successfully play with others make this a hard and fast rule: If one of them wants the experience to change in any way or to stop, it does.

Some couples have a “safe word,” a word not commonly used in conversation which signals that one partner's limits have been reached. For instance, you can agree to use stoplight terminology: Green means “I'm good,” yellow means “I'm uneasy” or “let's slow down,” and red means “stop.”

If your sweetie becomes upset, he or she is your first priority. If your partner calls code yellow, asks you to stop, or worse, leaves the room, drop everything and go to their emotional rescue. Jealousy is often uncontrollable and inexplicable, and it's vital that you not question you partner's judgment or feelings on this matter. They're possibly at their most hurt and vulnerable right now; there will be time later for a constructive conversation about what went wrong. Listen to them, do what you can to make them feel understood, and follow their instructions about what to do next. If your partner
doesn't know what he or she wants, then it's time to switch activities altogether—get a beverage, take a time out, leave the room together. Don't make a show of apologizing to your guest—this will make your lover feel worse. Instead, inquire how your guest is feeling and then say you are going to take a break.

What if you're the one who's upset? Of course, if any part of the fantasy upsets you in the first place, you should not even attempt it. But if you were excited by the idea to begin with, but once the action starts, find yourself feeling jealous, left out, abandoned, uneasy, or angry—say so. Out loud. If you have a safe word, use it—immediately. Don't wait to see if your feelings get worse, and don't worry about what your lover and your guest will think of you. They'll likely be glad you said something when you did, and your partner will have a chance to be there when you need him the most. Don't feel guilty about spoiling a good time—if it was truly a good time you wouldn't have felt troubled. Stopping the activity is okay. You may feel that seeing your lover kiss another woman is too much for you, or that trying a threesome at all was a bad idea. You'll have opportunities for great sexual adventures throughout your relationship: This is just one of many you'll have together.

Jealously can be like a storm that rages in and quickly subsides. If you feel comfortable later, explore your feelings about what happened. Loss and powerlessness are the main components of jealousy, and something you saw probably triggered the primal fear of losing your lover to another person. It hurts, it feels like betrayal, and it calls into question your trust in your partner. Were you feeling in danger of losing your sweetie, or was it the feeling of exclusion that triggered you? Did you feel like you needed to compete? Were you not feeling good
about yourself in general? Take these questions to your lover, even if you don't have the answers for yourself. Talk about what you felt, what happened, and give your partner a chance to tell you how he or she feels about the situation and your concerns. Decide whether your feelings are strong enough to change your mind about experimenting with threesomes. If you both want to continue playing with the fantasy, ask your lover to help you come up with solutions, rules, or limits for handling any negative feelings that might come up again.

Adding Someone New

So you've fantasized about it, given it serious thought, and talked it over with your lover—now what? You know you want it—now you just have to get it!

In your conversations about multiple-partner fantasies, talk about your ideal types and meeting scenarios. Discuss what qualities (like gender, looks, body type, sexual experience) attract you in order to clarify who you're looking for. Make an agreement that you'll only play with someone whom you're both attracted to. Be flexible with your partner's ideas of what is attractive, and also with what you'll find acceptable in reality. We all have a fantasy fuck in mind, but everyone knows that what happens in real life is usually quite different from what we'd imagined. And this is almost always a good thing.

Finding a suitable new partner may seem difficult, but you'll probably be surprised at how many prospects you find once you start looking. A surprising number of individuals out there prefer the safety, boundaries, and established trust that a tryst with a couple can provide. And the people you're looking for will be looking for you, too.

You may already have someone—or a few someones—in mind for your erotic adventure; you might be looking for the experience of a threesome with no one in particular; or your fantasy might be about trying your luck with strangers. Your options are open: The possibilities include approaching someone you know, going out to clubs or bars on sexually themed nights, attending sex parties or swingers' functions, and yes, advertising.

Friends and acquaintances might seem appealing as potential sex partners, but there is a lot to consider before you approach someone you know. The risks are obvious—rejection, loss of friendship, or a lot of discomfort if the person is a coworker or a regular companion. Consider as off limits anyone whose workplace you frequent, such as your local coffee shop, unless you already have an amorous outside-of-work relationship blooming, and everyone is clear about boundaries. As with any sexual relationship, you stand to lose someone as a friend if the proposal, or the suggestion of one, isn't well received. Or if the experience proves less than satisfying.

If you do decide to pursue someone you know, look for clues that would indicate an interest in your fantasy. Ask yourself if your acquaintance is sexually adventurous—think about whether they are comfortable talking to you openly about sex and whether they have ever mentioned your particular fantasy. But even if you know they're into trying a threesome, it may still be beyond the boundaries of your friendship to propose such a fundamental change to its parameters. Find out. Tell him or her what you and your lover are interested in, and see how they react. If the response is positive, be direct. Tell them that there's no pressure—they aren't to answer you right away, and you'd like to discuss it again if they feel comfortable.

Directness can be scary at first, but it's your most helpful tool. Being honest about your fantasies, expectations, concerns, and boundaries is your insurance against miscommunication, mistrust, and mishaps. And it can keep you from getting involved with someone incompatible. But most important of all, articulating what you want is the best way to make your fantasies come true, especially with sexual scenarios and when dealing with strangers.

Couples who cruise together might want to create a private code for communicating to each other their interest in a new candidate they are “interviewing,” in order to avoid the embarrassment of giving mixed signals. The question “Are you thirsty?” could be your code for “What do you think of this guy?” A no would mean “no way,” and a yes would give the go-ahead to flirt and play. It's a very good idea to have another code that means, “Let's move on” or “Get me outta here.”

Negotiating your desires can be a matter of a quick conversation over drinks, or can take days or weeks of getting to know each other. There might be a lot to discuss, such as fantasy details, rules and limits, safe words, what type of sex is okay, safer sex (who's got condoms), spending the night or the weekend together, who pays for the whipped cream or the hotel room, and so on. You'll talk about all of this as the planning progresses, and everyone has the option of changing their minds as the actual event unfolds. Granted, negotiation can be as simple as “My boyfriend and I think you're really hot, and we have a room upstairs if you're interested.” But you'll have more time for fun, for relaxing, and getting into the action if you get certain details out of the way—and out into the open—first. Play parties and sex parties have conduct rules for approaching potential sex
partners—don't try anything until you're clear on the rules, and consult your hosts if you have questions.

First Impressions

The potential partners you and your sweetie set your sights on will bring their own desires, lusts, expectations, and limits to the experience, just as you will. Listen, ask questions, and check in with them whenever it seems appropriate.

When you make your approach, be keenly aware of what you're presenting—remember that first impressions are everything here. If one of you has elected to do the talking, be sure that you don't do
all
the talking, because you want your potential playmate to know you and your partner are equally interested. Otherwise, they might wonder whose idea this was anyway. Making the approach as a couple is ideal. Or, if you're in a male-female partnership, try approaching together. Having the woman make the approach as a way to assure the new prospect that it's her idea, might work well—but be aware that this can also come off as creepy. No one wants to go home with a couple in which one partner has been “put up to it” and the other partner's intentions (especially the guy's) are unclear. A woman, for instance, will be very reluctant to go upstairs with you and your boyfriend if she thinks you've been put out as “bait” for an upcoming and possibly unwelcome switch.

Just as you should never touch anyone without asking permission first, don't make any assumptions about the individual(s) you invite into your sex lives. They need not only equal affection (and orgasms!), but also extra consideration for the range of emotions they may experience. Don't allow them to feel left out, and do be
aware of what they want from you. If they're cold toward you but hot for your lover, don't go any further, and if you sense any indifference or ambivalence toward your partnership, your boundaries, or your feelings, it's time to move on.

Get Together, and Get Off

You've talked, you've searched, and you've found your new partner—now it's playtime. Try these suggestions:

•
     
Smile and laugh as much as possible. Nothing's sexier, more relaxing, or warmer than humor and confidence. Be silly, have fun, and be a big flirt.

•
     
Break the ice physically by playing a sexy game, trading massages, watching porn, reading a sexy story aloud, taking a shower or hot tub—or be bold and just start taking off your clothes.

•
     
Play with the balance of power. Elect one person to direct the action, or take turns being in charge.

•
     
Always wear sexy underwear.

•
     
Bring sex toys. Vibrators can keep your arousal level high when you're not being directly stimulated. Or you can masturbate with your trusty Hitachi Magic Wand while watching the others. A butt plug can be set in place for hands-free anal stimulation, and there are arrays of vibrators available that can be worn like panties, some even operated by remote control. Just be sure to follow cleanliness guidelines for sharing toys.

•
     
Dildos and harnesses can make a threesome seem like an orgy. They can be used by women and men alike.

•
     
Always have a stock of safer-sex supplies. Lube, condoms (latex and nonlatex), gloves, finger cots, and
dental dams should be in your fun stash. Make birth-control decisions well in advance.