The Three Sisters (14 page)

Victor Virga had opened the Kennedy Center for the Performing Parts to create an enterprise which combined the exclusiveness his customers required with the salaciousness of France’s fabled salons: a place where powerful men and women could do as they pleased without having their privacy compromised. Victor had chosen Washington well and was convinced that the city would not be scandalized by the Kennedy Center since, as Theodora was later to point out by paraphrasing Shakespeare, “’Tis difficult to shock
a politician.”

The Kennedy Center was located outside Washington, D.C., close enough for government officials to get there, but far enough away for them to forget their blindingly boring bureaucratic jobs. The Kennedy Center itself was a large two-story building with two basements, which occupied its own tract of land outside the city. The building had been designed to look as plain and dull on the outside as an office building for dentists so that inside activities practiced nowhere else in the neighborhood, or in most of the country for that matter, could go on without drawing any attention. Only the numerous cars which visited the Kennedy Center at night and early in the morning separated the building from
those nearby.

Since the Rams had never been to the Kennedy Center before, the three sisters decided to go through the front door so the Rams could see the Kennedy Center as any first visitor might. Once inside the Center, the Rams were awed by the brilliant red carpet, the high ceiling, the chandeliers, and other creations of conspicuous consumption. “Centers for the Arts may always claim they need money, but one minute inside and you’ll see they usually have nothing but money,” pointed
out Theodora.

A portrait of Nicholas V, the great papal benefactor of Renaissance artists, adorned the entryway because he had been adopted as the Patron Saint of the Kennedy Center. Baroque fixtures were used to evoke the atmosphere of the royal courts of Europe. After telling the Rams all about the waiting room and its decorations, the three took the Rams to the next, and in some ways the most important, room for here it was decided which visitors to the Kennedy Center would be allowed to enter the
building gratis.

“The first thing a customer does, after checking his or her coat back in the waiting room, is to come in here where, in true democratic fashion,” Theodora explained, “every visitor is given a chance to gain free entrance to the Kennedy Center. Andrew, show the Rams what every customer can do to get
in free.”

Andrew, dressed in a full tux (“Like Sister Carla,” Regina would say), stood behind the counter where four dart guns and three dart rifles were lying. Twenty feet behind him was a full-length picture of Earl Warren with the other members of the Warren Commission.

“Allow me to explain,” he began in his proper British accent he had recently learned. “The rules of the house state that anyone who can shoot a dart in the gun or rifle at Earl Warren’s picture and make it stick where a bullet would cause a fatal accident to occur, is invited to a gratuitous visit to the Kennedy Center for the Performing Parts. This also includes admission to one of our shows; however, it does not include food and refreshments or extended hospitality from one of our employees. If you miss, you must pay the regular
admission fee.”

“You get a consolation prize if you hit Ford,” added Coito. “Free admission, but no free shows. Care to give it a try,
Mr. Ram?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never shot someone
famous before.”

“Oh, don’t worry, most people are put off the first time they give it a try, except the military types,” interjected Andrew. “A lot of people ask us to put a picture of their boss up there, but we don’t want to make it too easy
for them.”

“I’ll give it a try,” butted in Mrs. Ram.
Click
went the gun as Mrs.
Ram shot.

“I’m dreadfully sorry, but I believe you missed. You did hit the former President of the World Bank, but that’s not really someone important. I’m afraid you’ll have to pay the regular
admission fee.”

“Don’t worry, Andrew, they’re
with us.”

“Certainly,
Ms. Suora.”

“Before we go down to the salons, we’ll show you the three theaters where the Kennedy Center puts on special attractions for its customers,” said Theodora as they began walking down the spiral staircase which led to the inner recesses of the Kennedy Center. “You see, Victor wants the Kennedy Center to be an entire evening’s event so our customers will be completely satisfied. We have a restaurant, theaters, and the salons—a complete entertainment complex. Of course, no one is obligated to take in all that we offer, but we certainly encourage them to. Sometimes people just come here to eat or visit the theater. Others visit the salons, but usually they choose some combination of the services we offer. Victor tries to keep things changing so the customers will be sure
and return.

“We also teach classes here,” Theodora continued. “I ought to know since I’m the head of the language department. Actually, I think my courses are among the most popular here. Since there are a lot of internationals in the area, I teach courses in International Swearing, Picking up Me
n/
Women in Twenty Languages, and so forth. We get people from every nation in the world to come here, and with their cooperation I’ve been able to become quite well-versed in other languages’ more colorful phrases. I’ve even had a small monograph on International Swearing published for my course. I’ve been told diplomatic get-togethers have become much more interesting in the past few years.” Regina noticed that Sister Carla was walking away from their group and went to
retrieve her.

“Victor’s given me a lot of freedom to do what I want since my classes have been so popular. You see, I have this theory about language. It never stands still but instead is constantly evolving. New words are introduced and old words fall into disuse, but I say, if the past has something to offer us, we should use it. So now that I’ve explored some foreign languages, I’m going to study our own language. As it is, many useful words fall out of usage every year, words which shouldn’t be abandoned to lexicographers, but should be kept alive. To counteract this, I’ve tried to reintroduce many obsolete words back into the language. I’ve even gotten K to use some
of them.

“How could we have ever let a word like ‘mentulate’ fall into disuse? And most people don’t realize it, but even the most common words have numerous historical connotations. For instance, nowadays ‘green’ refers to someone who is naive, a hick. Several hundred years ago ‘green’ referred to someone who had loose morals because they’d gone out to the fields to have fun, and in Spanish a ‘green’ joke is a dirty joke. There are lots of other examples I could give you. I have hundreds of other words I’m trying to reintroduce through my monographs and classes, and it’s amazing how quickly some of the more technical words spread through the government bureaucracy once I start propagating them. So who says the past
is dead?”

Having concluded her pitch for her classes, Theodora led the group to the back of the building where the Kennedy Center’s three theaters were located. The first theater the group visited was the Music Theater where works modern, if Coito had her way, classical, if Theodora had her way, or popular if Regina and Victor had their way,
were presented.

“The current production is our rather unique version of
The Nutcracker Suite
. In our version, Tanya has some dreams little kids would never think of,” Theodora explained as they walked down the aisle of the theater. “Our version of Tchaikovsky’s ballet has been a great success, and we’ll probably revive it for Christmas. But we’ll be putting on a new production next month for the sake of our regular customers. The next program will be Stravinsky’s
Le Sacre du Printemps
. If you think
Le Sacre
caused a scandal in Paris, wait ’till you see our version. We’re going to do things with Stravinskian rhythms that will dazzle every member of the audience. Talk of tonalities piled on top of one another, you haven’t seen
anything yet!”

Next door was the Dramatic Theater, where Victor Virga was presenting the Kennedy Center’s version of
It Pays to Advertise
. Victor’s version was a reworking of the turn-of-the-century comedy about a hard-working businessman who strikes it rich in the last act through his arduous efforts and enterprise. Having discovered the rewards of the economic system, he lives happily ever after. “Little capitalist propaganda never hurt anyone. Think people’d get tired of those anti-capitalist and socialistic hack jobs artists love to churn out. About time public sees the other point of view,” Victor had told the three.

“Last year I presented a feminist version of
The Taming of the Shrew
,” continued Theodora, “which caused quite a controversy with some Shakespeare purists, but the audience loved it. They enjoyed seeing Katherina, played by K, tame Petruchio and not vice versa. The three of us appeared in the Kennedy Center’s production of Chekhov’s
Three Sisters
with Coito as Olga, Regina as Maria, and me as Irina. Of all the Russians, Chekhov has always been my favorite. His view of the world and life corresponds very closely to my own. I hope we can do
The Cherry Orchard
sometime soon.”

“Last year we performed Jarry’s
Ubu Roi
with me as King Ubu,” added K. After that we put on my Shakespeare parody,
Harlot, the Faerie Queene
of Denmark
.”

“The Dramatic Theater is also where we hold our annual Dance of the Seven Veils contest,” continued Theodora. “Both employees and customers are invited to recreate the dance that enticed King Herod two thousand years ago. The winner for the past two years in a row is standing
before you.”

“I just do whatever comes natural,” said Regina. The stage was empty when the group went inside the theater, and with nothing to show the Rams but the auditorium itself, the three satirical sisters and their two guests
quickly left.

Regina hurried the group forward so she could show them the Cinema Theater. On the doors of the theater were pictures of JFK with different movie stars, including Marilyn Monroe.

“At first, most people think we just show porno flicks here, but nothing could be further from the truth. Once they see a schedule they know it’s just not so. Oh, we do show some explicit films, but they’re always high-quality ones. Victor and I try to provide an interesting variety of features which will get people to come back. We have retrospectives here on various directors and actors, and we even have local premieres of some
foreign films.”

The group went inside to see the theater itself. On the south wall were gigantic blowups of scenes from classic and modern films, including some original six-sheet movie posters. On the north wall was a collage of stars blown to superhuman size. “We don’t show any Walt Disney films, but we do show some movies from the Thirties and Forties,”
Regina added.

The tour of the Kennedy Center’s three theaters finished, the group went downstairs to the Corinthian Cloisters, so named because the ancient Greek city had been famed for its prostitutes. Here, Mr. Ram finally got the eyeful of flesh he had been hoping for since first hearing Theodora describe the Kennedy Center as a place with pornographic performances for people of perverted, prurient tastes. In this salon, the women were dressed in baroque underclothes whose low necklines captured Mr. Ram’s complete attention. Mrs. Ram would have tried to direct her husband’s attention elsewhere had she not eyed a couple of men who were also in
the room.

“Most of the employees, like most of our customers, don’t get here until nighttime, so there are only a few people here now. We do have a good lunch rush some days, but our busiest time is in the early morning hours. From about six to eight A.M. you’d think this place was Grand Central Station. All the Washington bureaucrats have just spent a night being bitched at by their wives, and all those men can do is think about coming to the Kennedy Center to talk to licentious ladies who at least pretend to care for them and give them the attention
they want.

“If you’ll notice, most of the walls and furnishings in this room are reminiscent of the Summer Palace outside of St. Petersburg, Russia’s royal rococo recreation of French excess,” said Theodora, continuing the tour.

“I know you’ve never been there, but believe me, Versailles looks like a dump compared to the Summer Palace,” K pointed out to Mr. Ram who was paying no attention to the room’s furnishings. “Everything in the Summer Palace is gilded, probably including any condoms if they had them. I always imagined Catherine had only two words whenever she was asked to review any room, ‘More gold.’ One visit to the Summer Palace and you’ll know why the peasants rebelled.”