The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (4 page)

Exercise 2. Your highest vision of yourself

Take a deep breath and close your eyes.  Imagine yourself as a child, maybe 7 years old.  Remember then how badly you wanted to grow up, be tall, go places like the grownups, reach high shelves, drive a car.  Remember that feeling of inadequacy that you had then and how you just couldn’t wait for all this to happen. 

              Now bring a picture of your current adult self into the scene, and give your child self a big hug saying, “Hey, told you it was all going to be all right.”  Feel that deep compassion and acceptance. 

              Now imagine a third version of yourself – a version from the future that embodies all the accomplishments and goals you are seeking right now.  What does that person look like?  Really take the time to notice her voice, her gait, her demeanor.  How does she look and sound?  How does it feel to be her?  Now have that future you come in and give the present you a big hug, saying “It’s all going to be all right,” just the way you hugged the 7-year old you. 

              Now let the three pictures of you from the past, present and the future merge into one another, leaving an image of that highest vision of yourself, and realize that it is you, right now.  When you feel the empowering feelings that brings, squeeze your left fist twice.  From now on, all you have to do to bring that empowering feeling back is to repeat that double squeeze.  

              In this chapter, we will break down the Be-Do-Have paradigm into four practical components: right beliefs, leading to right attitudes, leading to right behaviors, which naturally flow into right results.  The steps go from the more hidden to the more manifest.  Beliefs and attitudes are the
be
phase; attitudes and behaviors are the
do
phase; results are the
have
phase. 

             
Beliefs
are completely hidden, not even manifest to the trained eye.  Since your beliefs are yours to know alone, it makes sense to have the most effective beliefs possible, as grandiose or foolhardy as they may sound.  Strong, empowering beliefs cost as much as mediocre, ineffective ones: they’re all free!
[2]
  So use the beliefs that serve you best.

              An
attitude
is the first-level manifestation of a belief, hardly detectable even to a trained observer.  Sometimes it is expressed verbally or in body language; other times it manifests itself as the subtext of behavior.  People tend to respond not to your hidden thoughts or to your manifest behavior, but rather to your overall attitude.  Your attitude is the meta-message and meaning of your behavior.

             
Behavior
is what you do, which is easy to observe.  The range of possible behaviors is infinite, yet most of us operate within a narrow envelope of behavior which those who know us call our personality.  When we do something that seems to breach that narrow envelope, they say that we are behaving ‘out of character.’  Behavioral range is determined by attitudes and beliefs.  It is possible to change attitudes and beliefs by regularly engaging in new behaviors consistent with those new beliefs.  

             
Results
are the most manifest component of the process.  Results broadcast themselves just fine yet reveal little useful information regarding how to achieve them.  Knowing how much wealth someone has does not help you get rich like them; nor does seeing that someone has a wonderful companion tell you how that came about.  This may seem obvious, but most people find themselves motivated by observing the results and not the process by which they came into being.  So henceforth, in all spheres of life, wherever you observe success, look at the
process
.  That is where the true wealth resides. 

             
The soft overcomes the hard.
              Flexibility overcomes force.
              Keep your inner workings to yourself.
              Let your results speak for themselves.

                                          – Lao Tzu,
Tao Te Ching
, Ch. 36

Affective forecasting, or what
really
happens when you get what you want

              We humans are hypersocial beings, and companionship is an essential part of our experience.  But, come to think of it, you don't really
need
a man in your life.  Not the same way you need food, water, shelter, clothing, oxygen and Vitamin D; they are essential to your survival and health.  Now you may
want
a man, and that's okay (and in any case, men are much more flattered when they are wanted rather than needed).

              However, a man is not a panacea.  If you're in a bad job situation, don't get along with your family, have financial troubles, or fundamentally aren't happy with yourself, a man in your life is not likely to solve those issues, no matter how fantastic he is.  A man can at best be a conduit and catalyst for feelings of fulfillment.  Keep in mind especially that all feelings that you have,
you
generate inside your head.  There is no wire from the outside world that plugs into the back of your head and makes you have feelings.  If there is one person in the world chiefly responsible for your feelings, it's you. 

              Daniel Gilbert of Harvard studies
affective forecasting
, our ability to predict how we will feel in the future in response to events.  What he has found is that, a few months down the road from the event, we don’t feel nearly as good as we thought we would about pleasant things, nor feel nearly as bad about negative ones.  In other words, we overestimate both our happiness and distress in response to future events.  A year after an event, we tend to return to the same baseline level of happiness we had before. 

              Finding a suitable male companion may be likened to winning the lottery.  Most women desirous of a relationship think they would be
really
happy if they started dating a wonderful man, in the same way that most people think they'd be really happy if they won a lottery.  The fact is, soon after winning a lottery, the winners tend to return to the baseline level of happiness they had before winning.  It's reasonable to conclude that the level of contentment and happiness you feel, after the initial whirlwind of excitement in a relationship has settled, is the same as the one you are experiencing right now in your seat while reading this passage. 

              There is a spiritual principle in operation here, reiterated in many guises in numerous traditions, but its essence is this:
You have everything that you need
. Right here, right now.  Now this may be challenging to grasp, as you wonder about unpaid bills, an empty fridge and all that extra room in your bed at night.  But at a deep and fundamental level, it is always true. At every point in your life leading to this moment, you have had everything that you
needed
(once gain, emphasizing need rather than want): a womb in which the cells of your body multiplied and grew, caregivers to raise you, a nervous system that was capable of learning language, movement and other complex tasks, and the inner resources to succeed at school, work and human relations. 

              However, let's leave alone the factual accuracy of whether or not you have everything that you need and play pretend for a moment: What if that were actually true?  How would that make you feel?  What kind of person would you be if you truly believed that you have everything that you need?  And what kind of people would you draw into your life if you were that person? 
Start there
.  In the chapter on beliefs, we will delve deeper into how beliefs empower you and bring you more of what you want.

Chapter 2. Who You Really Are

              Right now, as you are sitting there, reading this sentence, a number of answers may come to mind to the question, "Who are you really?"  These answers may have to do with various aspects of your supposed identity: your age, for example.  Where you were raised.  Where you went to school.  Your employment.  Your preferences in clothing, food, leisure and travel.  Your endearing quirks.  That cute little dimple you get every time you smile.  Your vivacious spirit. 

              These are all aspects of who you are, but they are not
you
.  No single characteristic makes up who you are, and most of them are mutable in any case.  Jobs change, habits come and go, temperaments evolve.  So what is that stable, immutable part of you which will always be you, your
self
?

The concept of no-self

              Buddhist philosophy argues that there is no such thing as a fixed self.  Right now, you just took a breath, and trillions of oxygen molecules came from the outside and exchanged with the carbon dioxide in your blood.  Billions of blood cells moved around to nourish your body. You just read that last sentence, which means that millions of your neurons fired to see, process and make sense of these words on a page.  As a result, you are not exactly the same as you were five seconds ago –
you have changed
.  Perhaps not in a way obvious to the naked eye, but in a very real sense, you are different than you were a moment ago.

              The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said that you never bathe in the same river twice, because it's never the same river and it's never the same you.  If you were to look at a river, close your eyes, and open them again a few seconds later, every water molecule will have moved, the banks will have rearranged themselves by a little bit, and it will effectively be a brand new river. 

              You, too, are like a river.  There is no fixed version of you.  There is no self.  The Buddhists call this concept
anatta
, or no-self.  In fact, they say that nothing in the world has a fixed self; everything is in flux.  Including you.

              You may find this concept of no-self distressing: "Oh no!  I don't really exist!  What am I to do?"  Or you may find it a purely philosophical, not terribly practical exercise: "Well, clearly I'm here, so there is some kind of self.  What's your point?" 

              Let me offer another way to look at no-self: as a concept that can be both useful and liberating.  Since this book is about dating, let's think about it in a dating context.  What would happen if no-self were true?

              Well, you wouldn't be afraid of rejection.  And you wouldn't be concerned about what others thought or said of you, since there is no you!  As a result, you would be willing to approach and speak to any man you fancied.  This would vastly increase the range of men you'd be able to date. 

              Since there's no fixed self to hurt, you'd be less afraid of getting hurt in a relationship and more focused on the enrichment you can derive from the connection.  When you do end up dating a man, you would be less likely to feel insulted or slighted by any of his actions, since you can't take any of it personally.  Your ego would not get in the way of a good connection.  And when the time comes to part, you'd be less likely to feel hurt, rejected or abandoned, since there's no self to be hurt, rejected or abandoned. 

              Suddenly, this no-self  idea seems really handy.  Is it really true?  Who knows.  Can it enrich your life?  Absolutely. 

              For better or for worse, the concept of no-self is easy to grasp but challenging to implement.  If we have conditioned ourselves for decades to have an ego and serve it, then we are probably not going to get rid of that tendency overnight. Buddhist monks spend entire lifetimes meditating in monasteries to get to
anatta
.  Since that kind of commitment may exceed your available time and patience, here are some practical ways to bring more
anatta
into your life:

1) Meditation. 
You don't have to spend years in a monastery to derive benefit from meditation.  As little as three 15-minute sessions a week is enough to start significant impact on your life. 

              This reminds me of an old Zen story about a student who comes to his teacher and asks earnestly, "O master, how can I achieve enlightenment?"  The teacher says, "Go in that room and meditate about a cow.  Just think about that cow with unwavering attention."

              So the student goes in the room, and meditates.  He doesn't come out all day.  And then the next day.  And the next.  By the third day, the master gets worried, so he asks the student, "Aren't you going to come out?"

              And the student replies, "I would, but my horns won't fit through the doorway."

              You tend to get more of what you focus on, to the point that you may even
become
what you focus on.  So if you concentrate on the idea of no-self diligently, it's bound to take a hold on your consciousness. 

              Here's a meditation my students have found useful for getting the idea of no-self anchored in their minds.  An audio recording of this meditation is
included with this book
.  You can find it at www.taoofdating.com/goddess.

Exercise 3. The Galactic Consciousness Meditation

Imagine that you have become very, very small.  You are so small that you are the size of a molecule of air.  Now imagine that you are in outer space, with nothing around you but the stars and the galaxies.  You see them all in their vastness, glory and beauty.  Some are so far away that they just look like a ring or disc in the distance.  Some are close, and you can appreciate that there are 100 billion stars in a given galaxy, all of different sizes, luminosities, shapes.  They are all beautiful, all incredibly vast, unimaginably full of light and energy.