The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (9 page)

              The point of citing these studies and observations isn't to condone or condemn one type of behavior over another.  It's simply to tell you that these things happen, have been happening and will continue to happen.  If you see these tendencies for what they are without labeling, judging or getting all worked up about them, you'll probably have more peace of mind – and get more of what you want.

              So if you come across a handsome, virile, well-to-do fellow that you fancy, be prepared for him not to be a celibate monk.  And if you two start dating, it's quite possible that he'll be seeing other women unless he tells you he's not.  And if you get married, know that even you yourself may someday have an office fling.  These things happen, so know them, expect them, plan for them, and place them in the larger context of your long-term fulfillment.  Monogamy need not be completely out of the question.  Just know that you don’t need to make something relatively uncommon an absolute requirement for your fulfillment.

Know what you're getting yourself into

              To put this all in practical terms, if you've started dating a man, it's possible that he will be seeing other women at the same time.  Just so there are no surprises for you, assume that until a man has made an explicit promise of sexual exclusivity to you, he will reserve the latitude to be intimate with other women.  In the meantime, you are free to date other men, too.

              Although you may not be able to tell
him
what to do, you have control over setting
your
boundaries.  For health reasons and just to clarify where you stand, it's wise to know whether your date is having sexual relations with other people and decide how comfortable you are with that. A simple, direct question usually gets that information for you, provided it's at the appropriate time.  "When was the last time you had sex?" gets to the heart of the matter and is perfectly appropriate if you're already having sex or heading in that direction, especially if you preface it with your genuine concern for health.  If that's too direct for you, then "Are you seeing anyone else?" will usually yield the same information. 

              If you're considering sleeping with a man, you also have a right to know whether he's engaging in safer sex or not.  So ask him.  Be wary if you get anything but a simple, direct answer back.  If you feel that his behavior violates your values or endangers your health, you may wish to look elsewhere.  Of course, it goes without saying that you will always engage in safer sex.

Kill the prince             

              I noticed a curious irony when I was speaking to my friend Heather the other day.  I asked her about her weekend date, and she said, "Oh, I had a really great time.  This guy was really fun, good-looking, and we were laughing the whole time.  After the theater we went to this late night café and talked until 3am."   I said, "That's fantastic!  When are you going to see him again?"  She responded, "Well, I don't know.  I'm not sure if there's going to be a second date.  I didn't feel that instant chemistry, you know, those butterflies in your stomach, that tingle you get all over your body that says
this guy is the one
." 

              Well, that's interesting.  Clearly she's had a good time, and yet she's reluctant to follow up.  Sometimes this happens because she's had relationships in the past which have started with that 'big spark'.  But the irony is that all those relationships that started with intense chemistry and the big spark have ended, leaving her – single.  Those men aren't around anymore.  Although this does not invalidate those relationships, it does make one wonder if instant chemistry is indeed the prerequisite for a fulfilling long-term relationship.

This leads us to an even bigger irony.  I always make a point of asking women in happy relationships – married or not – about how they first met their partners.  And before even getting started with the story, many of them say, "You know, the first time I met him I didn't really like him that much."  So it turns out that a lot of long-lasting relationships start with the woman
disliking
the guy somewhat, let alone having instant chemistry with him.

Love is not a sudden burst of energy and excitement that overwhelms your neurology in an instant.  That's called a roller coaster, or a fireworks display, or infatuation, or panic attack.  Love is the sustained, ever-deepening appreciation of another person over time.  It is more like an edifice than a spectacle.  It takes time to build, and once built, it tends to last a while.  As Shakespeare said in
Romeo and Juliet
, "violent delights have violent ends."  A fulfilling long-term relationship
may
start this way.  Most don't.

Yet some women look for a cataclysmic first meeting where bells go off, firecrackers shoot around, and the earth shakes beneath her feet.  He will be a prince in rust-free armor on a white horse, perfect in every way, and he will materialize to sweep her off her feet and whisk her away to the great kingdom of romance.  And he'll have ballet tickets. 

Perhaps this has its roots in popular Western depictions of love in movies, television, romance novels and such.  What we have to realize is that these accounts of courtship are specific to Western culture.  In India, where the divorce rate is lower than in America, most marriages are
arranged
.  On their wedding day, the bride and groom may be meeting each other only for the first time!  And yet, after time, many learn to love one another and have a lasting union. 

I am not at all recommending that you go and ask your parents to find you a suitable boy and give up on the whole dating thing.  What I do want is your empowerment and fulfillment.  The Western romantic model of relationships is a cultural construct, and one that isn't necessarily all that successful, considering the 50% divorce rate in the United States.  For something as important as fulfilling companionship, I believe you deserve better than a coin flip. 

So release your attachment to the notion that you have to fall madly in love with someone in order to be fulfilled.  Passion is great, romance is great, but do bring a little bit of yang into the mix – a little bit of deliberation.  Madly in love is still mad, and mad people tend to make silly choices.

              Now love at first sight does happen on occasion, and very rarely, you do get those butterflies in your stomach from the get-go.  That's great, but just remember that there's little correlation between the butterflies and whether a man can actually be a source of lasting fulfillment for you.  This is because the Prince, the perfect man,
does not exist!
Moreover, researchers show that fulfilling long-term relationships happen between partners who are more or less equal.  This is called the equity theory of love.  So unless you're a princess yourself, then the prince is by definition not your equal, and your partnership with him is a setup for likely failure.  Eventually, a partner who feels he's bringing more to the relationship will become more demanding, impatient and dissatisfied, and the relationship founders.

              Sometimes I hear from a friend that she's met 'the perfect man.'  This makes me cringe a little, because often it is a prelude to heartbreak.  Since the perfect man does not exist, she's expecting something that the world is not going to deliver, which is how you get pain and disappointment.  Real men inhabit the real world, and the real world is a dynamic, ever-changing place.  All good relationships are based on a measure of mutually acceptable compromise and influence.   You mold to him a little bit, he molds to you a little bit, and we have a good fit.  So even though there may not be a guy who's perfect, there is one who is perfect
for you
.  And you have the power to bring that perfection about.

The perfect guy vs. the perfect guy for you

              When I think of the Western idea of perfection, it's intertwined with notions of flawlessness.  At its essence, it is a hard, unforgiving concept.  The Eastern formulation is different and perhaps best embodied in the Zen parable of the broken cup.  The Zen master says that a broken cup is perfect because it is perfect at being what it is –
a broken cup
.  As long as you're not attempting to compare the broken cup to some idealized version of a cup without chips or cracks, then the broken cup is a perfect broken cup.  What makes it perfect is how you look at it.  If you accept the cup as it is, then it is perfect.  If you expect it to be a puppy, then it is not.

              All human beings are like broken cups.  We are perfect at being who we are – no more, no less.  And in relationships, no partner will be perfect
per se
, but some will be perfect
for you
.  This softer, Eastern notion of perfection comes about when you choose to mold your mind around who a person already is.  It is, in essence, a creative act, and one that requires effort. 

              It is also an act of forgiveness – for the perceived faults of your partner, but most importantly, forgiveness for your own faults.  We tend to judge others to the same degree that we judge ourselves, so start with yourself.  Realize that you and I and everyone else are all still growing in this world, and make allowance for that.

              Love, in many ways, is a choice.  For example, you may know someone who adopted a child, taking in a person who is a complete stranger with no blood relation and raising that individual as her own child.  In workshops, I have seen how after a few minutes of exercises, two total strangers can look into each others' eyes and absolutely see one another as the beloved.  So remember that you possess this gift.  You don't have to pick the next guy who comes around the corner and throw yourself at him, and you don't have to be super-picky and hold out for the prince, either.  You can tread the middle path – the path of the savvy woman who knows what she wants and knows where she can find it. 

A big secret about how men relate to female beauty

              I know women worry a fair amount about the whole beauty thing.  And yes, as a guy I can assure you that looks do matter.  But allow me to let you in on a little subtlety about how we view feminine beauty:
men appreciate you for what you have to offer, not what you don't.
 

              Let me illustrate that point.  Imagine that you're hungry and someone puts a great dinner plate of broiled salmon and fresh vegetables in front of you.  What's your reaction?  Do you think, "Wow! This is great!  Thank you so much!"  Or is it, "Well, it's food, but where's the lobster and truffles?  This is clearly not a dish from a 4-star restaurant!"

              Most normal people would be thrilled to get the decent meal, even if it's not the best possible meal on the planet.  In fact, to compare it to some dish that's not there and then have it come up short is
an act of imagination
.  That requires additional effort and blood flow to the brain, which means that it effectively never happens (unless you're a big food snob).  This is why almost all of us loved our college experience: we only had one, and therefore nothing to compare it to.  So as far as we know, it was the best college experience possible!

A man will appreciate you for what you have to offer, not what you don't.

              So when you're with a guy who's into you, and it's just you and him – which is most of the time you're together – he's not going to sweat the little physical things
you
think matter.  He's too busy celebrating your company!  He doesn't care about your butt size, thigh size, breast size, less-than-flawless hair or any of that.  That stuff comes up, if ever, only when he's comparing you to other women -- and there are no women around!  And if you are the one who makes him feel like a million bucks, then even when there are other women around, he secretly knows that you're his gem that no one else has.  And if he's in love with you, you automatically become the most beautiful woman in the world.

              Now let's examine the converse scenario.  Let's assume you're a contestant in the Miss Universe contest.  Ever seen one of those shows?  Now, even though a guy would be thrilled to be with any one of those young, beautiful women, when there's a bevy of 100 of them, he's going to start to get picky.  And suddenly Miss Venezuela doesn't look so great because she was standing next to Miss Brazil, who's more his type. 

              When you go out with a group of very attractive girlfriends, or head out to a place like a nightclub where everybody's all gussied up, you're putting yourself in a pageant-like situation.  This puts you at an instant disadvantage, since it makes it much more likely that you’ll be standing next to Miss Brazil, who may very well be more his type.

              So emphasize your strengths and leave alone the rest.  Do your best to interact one-on-one with a man who interests you.  And for crying out loud, don't invite comparison or ask him what his type is.  If he's with you, you're his type.  And he appreciates you for what you are, not what you aren't.  

He doesn't care that much about your shoes or dress

              Here's another little secret: as long as you're presentable and alluring, men don't really pay all that much attention to the specifics of what you're wearing.  A man will be happy as long as your outfit is elegant and flattering. 

So if you want to keep up with fashion or impress your girlfriends, go ahead, as long as you keep in mind that what's fashionable isn’t necessarily what men find appealing.  So if you want to dress for your girlfriends, be fashionable.  If you want to attract men, wear something elegant that emphasizes your best features, regardless of what’s in fashion at the time. 

Your secret gift as a woman

              The good news is that, as a woman, you are designed to see beyond short-term attractiveness (or unattractiveness) of a man to recognize what is deeper and more meaningful.  For better or for worse, men are designed to put a lot of importance upon a woman's appearance.  Things like hip-to-waist ratio, complexion and youthful appearance are surface proxies that evolution has chosen to signal fertility – and thus, desirability – in a woman.  Anecdotally, it is rare to see a handsome, well-to-do man with a woman who is not outwardly attractive, which bears out this point in the real world.