The Surrendered Wife (39 page)

We are grateful for the opportunity to meet and talk in confidence. We ask that you would bless this meeting with your wisdom, your power, and your love. We pray for the courage and strength we will need to continue on the journey of becoming our best selves as we restore passion, intimacy, and peace in our marriages.

I
NTRODUCTION

Welcome to the Surrendered Circle, a community of women who gather to support each other in practicing the principles of a surrendered wife. Please make yourself comfortable.

First Meeting Only:

We will begin with brief introductions around the room. If you wish, you may quickly share with us your name, how long you've been married, the ages of your children, and how long you've been practicing the principles of a surrendered wife. I'll start …

Ongoing Meetings:

We will quickly introduce ourselves by going around the circle and saying our first names. I'll start …

P
ASS THE
A
SK-IT
B
ASKET

This is the Q&A basket. If you have a question you would like addressed in the meeting, please write it down and we'll read it out loud later on. You may sign your name or remain anonymous.

M
EDITATIVE
R
EADINGS ON
S
URRENDERING

Choose a group member to read each of the following three sections out loud:

R
EADING
1: H
OW
W
E
K
NEW
W
E
N
EEDED TO
S
URRENDER (MY FRIEND
, C
HRISTINE
G
ORDON, WROTE THIS ONE
).

We, who have chosen the path of the surrendered wife, gather in love, support, and friendship. Our path is a sacred one, and so we close our circle to gossip and criticism, keeping our hearts and minds open to one another. We open ourselves to health—physical, emotional, and spiritual.

The circle is an ancient symbol of marriage. The wedding ring itself reminds us of a commitment to a life never-ending. The circle marks a sacred boundary around a man and a woman who together form a new family. We are conscious of a society that has lost its footing on the marriage path. With God as our guide, we have discovered that surrendering in our marriages gives us a new freedom we had not known before.

For a wife to surrender means she is willing to release her grip on her husband's life, thereby making his own journey possible. We have found that marriage works best when we let our husbands be the men and fathers only they know how to be. Surrendering is a process of celebrating our femaleness—our God-given right to receive life's blessings of love, companionship, prosperity, and family life. We can fulfill our womanhood only when we give our husbands the freedom to stand tall in their manhood. In extricating our grip, we find we have renewed energy for life's many joys.

Here are some of the signs that told us it was time to surrender:

• Feeling superior to our husbands.

• “Henpecking” or disrespecting our husbands behind their backs—particularly in the company of other wives.

• Encouraging other wives to disrespect their husbands.

• Disrespecting our husbands publicly and privately.

• Often hearing ourselves say the words, “I told my husband …

• “Believing everything would be okay if our husbands would just do as we said.

• Compulsively looking for the worst in our husbands.

• Eavesdropping on our husbands' conversations to ensure everything was handled correctly.

• Feeling that there was only one adult in the family—us!Feeling overburdened in parenting our children.

• Increasing fear around family decisions.

• Doing for our husbands what they were capable of doing for themselves.

• Recurring anxiety and depression.

• Physical exhaustion, often including chronic illness.

• A loss of interest in sex by either partner.

• Increasing resentment and jealousy at their victories in life.

• Rejecting their gifts until they could no longer risk giving.

• Often fantasizing about divorce or life with a man who would better match us.

• Discounting the reasons we had chosen our husband in the first place.

• Feeling that our needs had gone unmet for so long that we lost hope.

• Inability to trust our husbands in even the smallest matter.

• Finding our obsession to control had become so loud that we could no longer hear the voice of God.

R
EADING
2: W
HAT
W
E
D
ID TO
S
URRENDER TO
O
UR
H
USBANDS

Taking the following actions resulted in miraculous changes in our marriages. Please note that we do not recommend them to women who are in physically abusive relationships, or whose husbands have an active addiction, such as alcoholism.

We have also found that telling our husbands about these practices, while very tempting, is counterproductive. Announcing to our husbands that we would now be trying to respect them was no
improvement at all. We talked to other wives freely, but we found it was not in our best interest to talk about the practices of a surrendered wife with our husbands. Instead, we urge you to simply take these actions as best you can.

Here are the things that we did, to the best of our ability, to surrender to our husbands:

• We refrained from offering our husbands advice or teaching them how to do things.

• We released our inappropriate expectations for our husbands and focused on appreciating their gifts.

• We discussed our problems with other married women to gain perspective, and so that we didn't have to rely on our husbands as our only emotional support.

• We apologized for being disrespectful whenever we contradicted, criticized, or dismissed our husbands' thoughts and ideas.

• We refrained from asking our husbands to do things we wanted them to do.

• We concentrated on taking care of ourselves first, knowing that our own contentment was the key to a happy household.

• We listened to our husbands' problems without offering solutions, trusting that they would find their own.

• We refrained from doing things for our husbands that they were capable of doing themselves, such as buying their clothes or making appointments for them to see the doctor or dentist.

• We respected our husbands' approach to parenting, and their unique relationship with their children and stepchildren.

• We deferred to our husbands' thinking when we had conflicting opinions.

• We relinquished control of the household finances and relied on our husbands to give us what we need.

• We made ourselves sexually available to our husbands.

• We acknowledged our hurt feelings by saying “ouch,” our loneliness by saying “I miss you,” and our gratitude by saying “thank you.”

• We practiced graciously and gratefully receiving from our husbands whenever possible.

• We followed their direction and leadership, except when to do so would cause us emotional or physical distress.

• We told our husbands what we wanted in the way of clothing, household items, babies, vacations, etc., and allowed them to provide those things for us.

• We prayed for wisdom and listened carefully so we could hear the answers.

R
EADING
3: W
HAT
H
APPENED
W
HEN
W
E
S
URRENDERED

Once we relinquished control of our husbands, they seemed to take more pride in themselves as men, husbands, and fathers. We found we had changed too. Here are some of the changes we experienced as we practiced surrendering as best we could:

• We felt genuine admiration and respect for our husbands.

• We felt a sense of dignity that had eluded us when we were nagging, complaining, and criticizing our husbands.

• We developed deeper, more satisfying relationships with women.

• Harmony was restored in our families as conflict and fighting dropped dramatically.

• We found ourselves doing less and accomplishing more.

• Our children showed more respect for our mates and relied on them for guidance in a deeper way.

• We felt excitement and fear at the dramatic changes in our lives.

• We had more time for relaxation and pleasurable activities for ourselves.

• We felt the pleasure of connecting with our own femininity.

• We had less to worry about, more to be grateful for, and the passionate, romantic relationships we had always wanted.

• Sex became more frequent and more enjoyable.

• Our husbands started earning more money.

• Some received raises or performance bonuses while others found betterpaying work.

• We received more gifts than ever before.

• We became more conscious and comforted that a higher power was guiding and protecting us. This connection made us feel joyful.

C
HOOSE
E
ITHER
F
ORMAT
A
OR
B

Format A: Host tells her personal story until 1:30

At this time one of the women in the circle tells her “story.” This might include describing what she learned from watching her parents' marriage, her relationship with her father, her patterns in dating and relationships, things that had happened to her that could have caused her to feel terror, and the ways that she tried to control her husband. It's helpful and healing for the host to talk about how she began to surrender, what her process was like and most importantly, the changes she experienced in her marriage. The story should end with the host's hopes for the future and gratitude for the present.

(Note: The most important thing to remember when you are telling your story is to be honest. Take risks, and show more of yourself than you are comfortable revealing. Tell about things that are embarrassing or possibly even shameful to you. Use this as an opportunity to let the group know you. You will be amazed at the trust you build.)

This is also good practice for being intimate with your husband.
As you share your story with someone else, you are practicing vulnerability, which is precisely what you'll need in your marriage.

Conclude by inviting the members to ask the host if she would like feedback. Remind the group that feedback should be strictly positive, such as what you could relate to, what touched you, or why you are grateful to hear it.

OR

Format B: Members study the book The Surrendered Wife until 1:30

Each group member reads a page of the book aloud and comments briefly (2 or 3 minutes maximum) about what they just read. The group can decide to read a particular section, or make their way through the book sequentially.

E
XERCISE OR
Q&A
FROM THE
A
SK-IT
B
ASKET UNTIL
1:55

Choose an exercise (provided on the following pages), or read and discuss the questions in the Ask-It Basket.

C
ONCLUSION
(E
ND BY
2:00)

That's all the time we have, but I'd like to make a few announcements before we close. The next Surrendered Circle will be held here on _____ at 12:30. You can exchange numbers to call other surrendered wives before the next circle if you wish. Are there any other announcements? (If you're using the story format, ask who wants to host the next circle).

Let's close with a moment of silence in honor of the sanctity of marriage, and to pray that others would find peace in their homes.

E
XERCISES

I. Receiving

This exercise is about learning to receive graciously, and taking ownership of our unique gifts. Perhaps we have been taught to be modest or not to get too full of ourselves when we get a compliment, but today we will work on accepting kind comments and acknowledging our own virtues in front of others.

First, take a minute to think of and write down a sincere compliment for the woman on your left.

We are going to go around the circle and each of you will have a chance to look the woman to your left in the eyes and give her a compliment. Practice meeting her gaze and doing your best to receive the compliment. I suggest you respond by saying, “thank you, that's true.” Or, if you can't do that, at least say “thank you.” DO NOT say anything to discount the compliment. If you need duct tape to put around your mouth, we have some available. Do your very best to receive the compliment graciously. Who would like to start?

Now I want you to take just a minute to think about your best physical feature and write that down. We are going to go around the circle and tell the women on our right what our best feature is. Do not whisper this, or put in modifiers such as “kind of” or “pretty good.” Rather, I would prefer that you use words like gorgeous, outstanding, fabulous, and amazing, as in “I have a gorgeous face.” Who would like to start?