The Stranger's Woes (67 page)

“Say, guys, were these the same undead from yesterday, or new ones?” I said.

“The same?” said Kofa, surprised. “Oh, I sure hope not. We did a darn good job dealing with the ones yesterday. It never occurred to me that today’s undead might be ones we didn’t kill all the way just a day ago. But you may be right. Anything can happen.”

“In any event, this won’t do,” I said. “We need to quarantine that sinning cemetery somehow. Who knows, maybe our next batch of new friends will be friskier and will decide to go for a walk around Echo. Maybe we should send some policemen over there.”

“Brilliant, Nightmare!” said Melifaro, laughing. “I can just picture the brave boys screaming and scattering if anything happened. Boy, you sure know how to arrange a program of light entertainment.”

“If they’re not scared of Boboota, I doubt they’ll be scared of any other creature, living or undead. In any case, a few dozen scared policemen is better protection than one scared cemetery guard,” I said. “So get on over to General Boboota’s turf for reinforcements.”

“Like he’s going to give them to me.”

“He will,” I said. “Just tell him they’re for me. Tell him I’m asking him very, very sweetly. Beg him if you have to. Come on, don’t dawdle.”

“Your word is my command, your wild borderland Majesty.” Melifaro reluctantly got down from the table and bowed. “Do not be angry with me, O mighty ruler of bare-bummed eaters of horse dung. Gosh, you’re such a big shot now.”

“Break the policemen into three groups, depending on how many you manage to fetch. Tell them to take shifts, but I’d like to see as many people in uniform as possible hanging around the Green Petta Cemetery. Take them there and brief them about it—although there isn’t much to brief them on. Anyway, think of something bombastic and earthshaking while you’re strolling through the cemetery. Something that will make them feel responsible for the fate of the World.”

“If you save the leftovers of your royal meal for me, I will soak the hem of your mantle with tears of gratitude, you monster.”

And Melifaro rushed out of the office. I knew that bossing around a bunch of policemen would give him unique pleasure.

“Not bad, son,” said Kofa. “I’m surprised I didn’t think of it. Apparently, you can think straight and be good at it, sometimes.”

“Yes, but only if I get enough sleep. It’s not my fault that doesn’t happen very often.”

“What are we going to do about those disgusting creatures?” Melamori said. It was clear she wasn’t too fond of the “naked men.”

“We’re going to exterminate them,” I said. “That’s why I asked Melifaro to put guards there. At least we can be sure that they’ll alert us right away, without any delays. It’s too bad Shurf isn’t here. His left hand is good at incinerating anything that gets in its way. Sir Kofa, do you, by any chance, turn things into ashes? It’s much more sanitary that way, you know.”

“Exterminate, yes. Turn into ashes, not my line of work, I’m afraid.”

“Nor mine,” I said.

“You seem to be discussing a very somber topic, gentlemen,” said Lookfi suddenly. “Has someone died?”

Melamori and I laughed nervously, and Kofa shook his head.

“If only you were right, Lookfi,” I said. “The truth is that the situation is much worse: somebody keeps returning from the dead.”

“Oh, that really is bad,” said Lookfi. “I know. I grew up in a cemetery. Nothing out of the ordinary happened during my time, praise be the Magicians, but I heard a great many stories about the undead.”

“You grew up in a cemetery?” I asked, astonished.

“Well, I guess I didn’t express it quite right,” said Lookfi, “but I did spend much of my childhood in a cemetery. My uncle, Sir Lukari Bobon, wanted me to take over the family business. He was very disappointed when I enrolled in the Royal Higher Institute. So disappointed that he still refuses to talk to me. I cannot say that I lost an interesting interlocutor, though. He’s always been somewhat lacking in erudition.”

“Lookfi’s uncle is an undertaker, and the most successful one in Echo, by the way,” said Kofa. “You made the right choice, boy. It’s much more entertaining to spend time with buriwoks than with the dead. Not to mention the undead.”

“You are so very right, Sir Kofa. Oh, and thank you for reminding me. They’ve been waiting for me all day.” Lookfi stood up, caught himself in the folds of his looxi, knocked over two cups, and finally bestowed his shining smile on us. “Thank you for the dinner, gentlemen.”

And he left for the Main Archive.

“What did he mean, ‘Thank you for the dinner’?” I said. “This is breakfast.”

“As if you don’t know Lookfi’s habits,” said Melamori, giggling. “But he wasn’t too far off, if you think about it. People usually lunch at this hour.”

Melifaro returned an hour and a half later, glowing like a well-polished crown.

“It worked marvelously,” he said. “The uniforms of the City Police look divine against the landscape of the cemetery. The spectacle is simultaneously didactic and majestic. If I were you, I’d go there right away.”

“All in due time,” I said. “I have a feeling we’ll have plenty of time to get sick of it.”

“Don’t exaggerate, Max,” said Kofa, looking out of the window pensively. “By the way, I don’t think I can sit in for you tonight. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course, Kofa. I’ll take the shift myself. I’ll be the only keeper of the public order. After all, that was supposed to be my job from the beginning: to sit in Juffin’s office at night doing nothing.”

Sir Kofa went out for a walk in the city and even went overboard with joy. He caught a bearded pickpocket red-handed, even though hunting down such small fry was far beneath the dignity of the Secret Investigative Force. The pickpocket was fed to that ferocious animal General Boboota Box. It was his just deserts.

“I’ll teach you how to clean pockets! Only instead of pockets you’re going to be cleaning outhouses. And whatever you find there you’re going to stick up your behind!”

I could hear Boboota’s shouts even in my office, but I didn’t mind. I began to miss them when it was quiet for too long.

“You look like a country hick who dreamed his whole life of seeing an Ekki Balbalao show, and whose dream finally came true,” said Melifaro.

“I
am
a country hick. A simple, ignorant king from abroad—who, by the way, has no idea who Ekki Balbalao is.”

“A hole in the heavens above you, pal! He’s the best tenor in the Unified Kingdom,” Melifaro said, shaking his head. “I’m not the most avid operagoer in Echo, but not knowing who Ekki Balbalao is too much, even for someone like you. What
do
you do in your spare time, monster?”

“Go out to taverns and chase women, frothing at the mouth,” I said. Then I added, “Besides, I don’t have any spare time because I spend my best years at work. Is he really that good?”

“He’s okay,” Melifaro said. “Actually, my leisure time is not that different from how you describe yours, except that I keep my mouth shut most of the time. And so should you. All in all, the strains of Balbalao’s sweet voice don’t reach my ears very often.”

“We’re so ignorant and uncivilized,” I said. “No one would believe us if we told them.”

“Sure they would,” said Melifaro. “It’s written across our foreheads.”

Melifaro finished our discourse on the arts, saying that it was time for him to go. I stared at the sky, which was growing dark, and submitted to fate. The day had gone by amazingly fast, and I had a long, uneventful night of solitude ahead of me. Lookfi had left work at sunset, as usual, and Melamori had fled even sooner, Magicians knew where.

At around midnight, when I was beginning to doze off, Tekki’s call reached me.

Max
,
it’s awful! Just awful. That friend of yours
,
Mr
.
Pu
,
he’s
—

What, has he gotten drunk again and fallen asleep on his barstool?

I only wish
.
He is rather smashed
,
but he’s wide awake
.
He wants to start something with me
.
He’s all weepy
,
and he keeps trying to kiss my hand
.
It’s pathetic
.
You know me
,
I could easily turn him into a pile of ashes without a second thought
,
but then they’d throw me in Xolomi
.
You would
.

Don’t be silly
.
I’d cover up for you and protect you
,
risking life and limb and my astronomical salary
.
Then again
,
it’s not the best way to spend the rest of my life
.
Say
,
can you really turn him into ashes?

Sure
.
Why?

I wish I had your skills
.
You know
,
we just learned today that nobody but Lonli-Lokli can incinerate those sinning undead
,
but he and Juffin have left
.
Now we have to kill them and bury them
,
and then kill them and bury them all over again
.
I’m so tired of it
.

Well
,
I don’t think I can incinerate the undead
.
Those beasts are pretty tough
.
Even White Fire is useless against them
.

White Fire? What’s that?

It’s the best and most reliable way of incinerating anyone
.
The one hundred and thirty-seventh degree of White Magic
.
One of the favorite tricks of my infamous daddy
.
Anyway
,
would you mind if I sent this tubby chatterbox to the House by the Bridge? You’re probably bored out of your mind down there
.

To be honest
,
I am pretty bored
.
All right
,
then
.
Send him over here
.
You probably want to go to bed now anyway
.

I do
,
especially since you might be showing up an hour before dawn
.

Don’t count on it tonight
.
But I agree
,
you have the right to live without Anday slobbering all over you
.
Fine
,
send Anday over here
.
Even pirates get the blues
.