The Story of Me (31 page)

“
Mother!
” I shriek. “Seriously, you’re spending too much time with Ash, now go. I’ll be home tomorrow. I love you.”

I can hear the smile in her voice as she says, “Go, enjoy. I love you.” I end the call and watch as Benny wipes my spat wine off the coffee table.

I pull the throw up around my neck and pull my knees up to my chest as I turn into the corner of Cam’s big comfy sofa and lay down. I’m suddenly feeling cold and very, very tired.

* * *

I open my eyes and look straight into pools of chocolate brown and my stomach flips and twists around in a random pattern. He presses a long wet kiss to my forehead and says, “Go upstairs and take your clothes off. I need to be inside you, Kitten.” Never in my life have I done as I’m told. But without saying a word, I stand and walk to the stairs. I put my foot on the first step and turn and look at him. He’s still crouched down at the side of the sofa, watching me. I pull his T-shirt over my head and watch as his eyes widen slightly as he takes me in. His tongue flicks out and over his top lip. Then he rakes his teeth over his bottom, his eyes on my naked chest as he stands up straight and starts walking towards me. I turn and start walking up the stairs. Once inside the bedroom, I pull off his boxer shorts I’ve been wearing and slide into the unmade bed. The sheets are rumpled and smell of us and sex.

Cam walks past me and into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on and my thoughts instantly turn dark and I wonder why he needs to shower. Does he smell of her? There’s no clock in this room so I have no way of telling what the time is. It’s dark outside, but that’s about all I know. He walks back into the bedroom minutes later, completely naked and his body glistening with the rivulets of water running down his toned body. He really is magnificent and I want to lick him, flick my tongue over those water droplets and I feel envious of that water. It’s touching him in places I haven’t been able to all day and I wonder if she’s been touching him. That’s when my stupid mouth makes an appearance.

“Why did you shower again? You only just showered this morning before
she
showed up.” He frowns, while rubbing his hair dry on a towel, but says nothing as he sits on the edge of the bed. “Where have you been all this time?” I sit up as I ask. I’m starting to feel hot and angry and I don’t wait for his reply before continuing, “Did you smell of
her
? Did you need to wash the smell of
her
from your skin so you could fuck
me
with a clear conscience?” He stands, throws the towel on the floor and places his big hands on his hips.

“I showered because I smelt of hospital. I smelt of that horrible hospital smell.” He raises his eyebrows and nods towards me as he speaks, “Now I don’t know about you, but that’s not one of my favourite smells and I assumed it most definitely wouldn’t be one of yours, either.” His eyes are locked on mine. I blink in complete synchronisation with the deep breaths that I take as wave after wave of shame, guilt and embarrassment at the whole new level of bitch I’ve just unleashed.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, still not taking my eyes from his. He gives a slight raise of his eyebrows.

“Are you?”

I nod slowly. “I don’t know where all that came from. You were gone so long. I…” I crumble, every single insecure microcell of my being rushes to the surface, to my brain, out of my mouth. They join together and form words and tears and I lose complete control. “She’s pregnant. She’s pregnant, Cam. She’s carrying your baby and I can never do that. I can never give you that and I don’t want to be jealous of her, but I am and I’m so scared. I love you and I want us to work, but she’s there. Already she’s in my face with her baby bump and I can’t ever have one of those.” I almost choke as the words just rush and rush and keep on coming. “I want to get fat. I want to feel your baby move inside me. I’d eat the right things and never take drugs or do anything that might hurt the baby.” I’m making no sense, but I still don’t shut up. “She doesn’t care and I do and it’s not fair. It’s not fair, Cam.” I hold my head in my hands and stare down into my naked lap, trying to let some air into my lungs and some clear and sane thoughts into my head.

“Do you want my baby, Georgia, or do you just want
a
baby,
anyone’s
baby?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“What?” He hasn’t moved from where he stood earlier, still naked, his hands still on his hips.

“Sounds to me like you just want a baby. She’s got one, so you want one.” He tilts his chin towards me. “Spoilt little Kitten, always wanting everything her way, always wanting everything, full stop, no matter who gets hurt along the way.” My mouth must drop open. “Don’t look at me like that. How the fuck d’ya think that makes me feel? Like I’m not enough; that’s how.” I know my eyes and my mouth are both now open wide.

“That’s not what I meant at all!”

“Then what’s wrong with me, George. Why can’t you be happy with just me?”

I’m at a loss for words, but I struggle on. “I… I didn’t mean that. You are enough. I’m just… I was just…” I shake my head slowly as I speak, “I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. I owe you. I owe you so much and I’m just so sorry that I can’t. I can give you a baby, if that’s what you want. I can try my best to do that, but I can’t grow it inside me and I want to. I want to be able to do that for you, with you.”

My mum’s words come shouting their way into my head ‘nobody’s promised tomorrow, George’ and I don’t know if it’s those words that have stirred all this up and are making me realise with absolute clarity I’ve wasted far too much of my life feeling guilty, feeling judged, and all I know, right now in this very minute, is that I love Cam and I’m not going to hide it. The press, the newspapers and Sean’s fans can all go and fuck themselves. I know it’s only been a year, and I know, I know that of all the people I could be with, there’re so many reasons why I shouldn’t be with Cam, but I love him. I love him and I want to be with him. I don’t want to wait. I want to rush in, dive in, crash land head first.

I’ve lived the rest of my life at a million miles an hour, growing up way too fast, doing things I really shouldn’t have been doing at far too young an age, but I did them regardless. And somehow, by the skin of my teeth, I’ve survived everything life’s thrown at me. Well, I’m a grown woman now and this is what I want and I’m not planning on letting anyone stop me. I never would’ve thought my mum of all people would be the one to make me see the light, but she has, ‘grab it with both hands,’ she said, and right now, that’s exactly what I intend to do. I’m sick of feeling like I’m barely hanging on. I’m sick of guilt clawing at my insides. I love Sean. I’ll always love Sean, but I also love Cam and I’m no longer going to try and justify it to anyone, least of all to myself.

“How?” he asks quietly. I look up from my lap and my eyes meet his. He looks so sad and I’m not sure if it’s me or himself he’s feeling sorry for. “How can you give me a baby? Not that it matters. I don’t care. You’re all I want. You’re enough for me. I just want to know how you think you—”

“I have eggs,” I interrupt him. He frowns, deeply, then rakes his hand through his hair.

“What?” Confusion is written all over his face.

“I have eggs. They’ve been frozen. I still have one ovary, and the last time it was checked, it was still working, so I had some fertility treatment earlier in the year. I’ve got eight eggs frozen in a lab somewhere in West London.”

He comes and sits on the bed next to me.

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

I let out a long sigh. “The topic just never came up.” I shake my head. “What does it matter? Why would I need to tell you about my unfertilised eggs that are sitting frozen in a lab? We’ve just found each other again. We’re just trying to reconnect. Fuck, Tiger, I don’t know.” I shake my head some more. “Why’s it never been easy for us d’ya reckon? Why’s there always something that comes between us?” He looks down at my naked body and then down at his own and I watch as his cock twitches. His eyes come up to meet mine.

“There’s nothing between us now, Kitten, nothing at all, and I would really, really, like to be inside you.” I give him a small smile.

“You don’t like me. I’m spoilt and want everything my own way, remember?”

He winks at me. “Don’t mean that I don’t wanna fuck ya.” He reaches out and squeezes my nipple, just a little too hard, but it’s nice. I enjoy the pain. I’m feeling angry and determined. I don’t want him to make love to me. I want him to fuck me. “I’m gonna fuck you till you scream,” he says as he stands up. He yanks my legs hard that I slide down the bed, flat on my back. He pushes my legs apart and drops to his knees. Looking up at me from between them, he says, “But first, Kitten…” He ducks his head down and laps at me with his big wide tongue and I let out a moan, then bite my lip so as not to laugh out loud at the slutty noise I just made. He looks up at me with a cocky smile on his wet lips. “First, I’m gonna make you purr.”

I’m lying in Cam’s big bed, wrapped in Cam’s big arms, my back pressed into Cam’s big chest. He consumes me, smothers me and I’m feeling more at peace than I have in a long, long time. He strokes the tips of his fingers up and down the middle of my belly, causing goose bumps to rush across my skin in little waves. His left hand is draped over me and cupping my right boob, and as my body reacts to his gentle strokes, my nipple hardens against his palm. He must notice and strums it with his index finger. I feel his cock twitch against my bum and I grind back into him fractionally.

“Fuck, I love the way your body reacts to mine. Every time, every touch, Kitten, I fucking love it,” he sighs the words more than says them, and then kisses the back and side of my neck. My scalp prickles, and if I had a dick, it would’ve been instantly hard in that moment and I can’t help but smile. My cheek is pressed into his shoulder and he must feel the movement. “What you smiling at?” His breath fans across my ear as he speaks and I shudder. His mobile rings, the sound carries to the bedroom from downstairs.

“You getting that?” I ask.

“Na, fuck ‘em. They’ll manage without me for a bit.” He kisses the top of my head and squeezes me tighter. “So,” he says.

“So what?” I ask.

“These eggs of yours?” My stomach feels like it’s on the helter skelter at Southend Sea Front. Starting from somewhere in my chest, it spirals down and down, around and around until it hits the floor, then bounces back up to my chest and repeats the process.

“What about them?” I swallow and ask.

“Well, I know my spunk is pretty potent stuff, Kitten, but how the fuck d’ya expect my swimmers to reach them if they’re frozen solid in West London somewhere?” I turn around in his arms and face him.

“Cam, this is… we need to talk about this.”

He kisses my nose. “I thought that’s what we were doing.”

The only light in the room is coming from above the mirror in the bathroom, but I can see his eyes are on me. They look almost black.

“We’ve done more fucking than talking.”

“Best conversations ever.” He winks as he speaks.

“I’m being serious,” I huff.

“Me too, never more so.” He leans in and kisses me, so, so softly on the mouth and I give a slight groan and close my eyes. Every time, every time he gets me. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it’s because he’s so big and hard and manly, but whenever he says or does something, like touching or kissing me gently, it just does things to my insides and my heart threatens to burst.

“Life’s fucked, Kitten. It’s cruel and twisted and it does spiteful things to good people.” He closes his eyes for a few seconds and then brushes his nose against mine. “We’ve both learnt that in the worst ways possible and it’s made me realise one thing. I thought about it nonstop all the way home from the hospital earlier.” His eyes are all over my face as he speaks. “If we’re doing this, George, you and me, then let’s just fucking do it.” I watch as his Adam’s apple moves as he swallows. “I’m too old to fuck about waiting. We’ve both lost too many people. We both know how everything can change in a second, so let’s just get on with it, no fannying around.”

I smile at him. “Do people even say fannying around anymore?”

He nods. “If I fucking tell them to, they will.” And I laugh, just a small laugh. He’s so cock sure and arrogant; it’s a trait I usually hate in anyone, but with him I love it. I actually don’t even think it’s arrogance with Cam. It’s just him, just Cam; that’s just how he is. “Why are you laughing, Kitten?”

“Because you’re funny, Tiger.” He rests his chin on his chest as he looks at me with a frown.

“Why am I funny?”

“D’ya ever consider that someone might not want to say fannying around? That not everyone does as you say?”

He frowns and pauses for a few seconds before shaking his head. “No.” And I know he’s being totally honest.

“I fucking love the fuck out of you, Tiger.” He shakes his head slightly.

“Apart from you of course. You’re the only person who defies me. How many times, hmm, how many fucking times am I gonna have to ask ya not to swear like that?”

I let out a little huff of indignation. “But you just swore.”

“Doesn’t mean you fucking should.” My mouth hangs open for a few seconds; he’s actually serious.

“And you seriously think we should already be talking about letting your swimmers anywhere near my eggs?”

He frowns. “Yes, yes I do.” His expression changes from pissed off to gentle. “I love the fuck out of you, Kitten. I missed my chance once. I ain’t letting it happen again. I want you with me. I want us together. I don’t wanna fuck around. Let’s get a house. Let’s get your eggs and my swimmers together, and let’s make a family.” My tears are instant.

“D’ya not think we need to discuss—” His lips hit mine and stop me from saying anymore.

He pulls away. “Fuck the talking. I’m done talking. There’s fuck all left to say that hasn’t been said. We both want the same thing, so tomorrow we’ll start looking at houses and what we need to do to introduce my super spunk to your sexy eggs.” I open my mouth to speak but he kisses me again. When he pulls away again, he says, “Just for once, Kitten, just for fucking once, would you just shut up and do as you’re told? I’m not arguing with you about this one. It’s happening and fuck anyone who tries to stop us this time ‘round.”

I look up at him through my lashes. “Yes, Master.”

He gives his customary headshake. “You say that now, Kitten, but when it comes to it, I don’t think you know how
not
to defy me.”

I think about that for a second. “It’s not just you. I don’t do what anyone tells me to.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Even when it’s what I want to do, if someone says do it, I do the opposite.”

“But why would you do that?”

“I don’t know. I think perhaps it’s a control thing.” I shrug and let out a breath. “I was never allowed anywhere without my brothers when I was little. Even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, I had to go or go home and it used to really piss me off.” He raises his eyebrows. “Piss isn’t even swearing, Cam.”

“It isn’t ladylike either.”

I consider that for a moment. “And me letting you slide your finger in my arse is?”

His mouth drops open. It actually drops open. “That’s… that’s not… that’s different. It’s sex.”

“It’s still not ladylike. If I were a lady, I wouldn’t be letting you anywhere near my arse.”

He closes his eyes. “Kitten, just carry on with your story for fuck’s sake.”

“I don’t know. I just think because everything I did was controlled by what the boys were doing, it sort of made me rebellious; meant that I was always pushing the boundaries.”

“There’s no ‘sort of’ about it, Kitten. You are rebellious. You do push boundaries. You’re strong willed, defiant and would rather cut your nose off to spite your face than do as anyone tells you to, but I love you, regardless.”

“Well, gee, thanks,” I say sarcastically.

“What can I say?” he shrugs. “You let me stick my fingers up your arse. If you let me stick my cock up there, I might even consider marrying ya.”

“You can fuck right off. That thing is not going near my arse, not ever.” He gives a small smile.

“You don’t want to marry me then?” Wow, we’ve gone from anal to marriage in one sentence. Only Cam could do that.

I shake my head slowly. “You don’t even know me, Cam.”

“Oh, I do, Kitten. I know you inside out.”

“And you still want to marry me?”

His eyes wander over my face, finally coming back to rest on mine. “Yes, I want to marry you. I want to own you, possess you. I want the whole world to know you’re mine. Like I said earlier, I want a house, a big one and I want to fill it with our children. We’ve both lost so much, Kitten. I’m not losing you again. I can’t. It’d kill me.”

“What if it doesn’t work? What if we can’t make babies with our super sexy sperm and eggs?”

He kisses my forehead, then my nose. “Then it’ll just be you and me, and we’ll love the fuck out of each other, regardless.” A tear runs from my eye, over my nose and plops onto the pillow. “Don’t cry, Kitten. We’ll make this work. We’ll get the best doctors involved and we’ll get us some babies. We’ll fill that house with noise and chaos.” He kisses along the path of my tear. “We’ll get our happy ever after. I promise you that.”