The Story of Me (30 page)

“You, Tiger, I’m smiling at you.”

“And why’s that?”

“Coz you just make me smile,” I say with a shrug.

He’s suddenly serious, “As much as I love seeing you smile, you don’t have to fake it. If you’re having a bad day, just say. I’ve been there. I know how they can just come out of nowhere. Don’t ever hold it inside, Kitten, because I will know.” He nods as he speaks and I nod in reply because I don’t dare attempt to speak. “He was your husband. I’m not…” He struggles for a few seconds. “Just because I said all that shit about being second best, it doesn’t mean you can’t cry about him in front of me. That’s all I’m saying.”

The front door buzzes and I jump.

“I’m not really dressed for this.” I pull his T-shirt down and try to cover myself a bit more. It’s longer than some of the dresses I wear anyway. I would’ve just preferred if it was an actual dress and if I were wearing my own underwear, rather than Cam’s. A bit of makeup would’ve been nice too but anyway. The door buzzer goes again.

“Fucking woman,” he mumbles as he turns around and heads up the hallway. I walk to the kitchen, looking down at my phone. I have missed calls from Ash, Jim, Len and my mum, as well as a number of texts. I open the one from Jim…

TDH!!!

R U FUCKIN’ KIDDIN ME???

YOU NEVER SAID A WORD, U CRAFTY COW.

WE NEED SUM GURL TIME.

SATURDAY NITE

ME U ASH WINE

DON’T MAKE PLANS

N YEAH, I DID SHOUT ALL OF THAT

LUV YA GUTS BIRD

X

I smile down at my phone. I so need some girl time. I have so much I need to tell them, so much going on in my head that I feel like it’s ready to burst.

I look up as Cam walks in and comes around the kitchen island and stands next to me. He leans his large frame against the sink and I lean next to him, side by side.

“Why is
she
here?” Four words and that whiney voice of hers is already grating on me.

“Because I invited her here. Why are you here, Tamara? Seeing as you weren’t invited.”

“You’ve made me look like a complete fool. What are all my friends going to think? I’m carrying your child, Cameron, and here you are, splashed all over the newspapers with
her.
”

“What the fuck has that got to do with your friends? They should all know that we’re not together, unless you’ve been telling them different.”

I watch her intently as I listen to their exchange. She’s aged considerably in the couple of years since I saw her in the restaurant with Cam. My heart speeds at that memory and I push it down while I focus on the here and now. I remember admiring the colour of her hair back then, but now it looks fake, out of a bottle, and not professionally done. I wonder if I’m being a snob. For someone who’s four months pregnant, her face is very thin and drawn, she has a heavy black coat on so I can’t see what the rest of her looks like. Her complexion is surprisingly good for someone who’s had a drug problem. She has that look of someone who’s been well bred, come from money. Perhaps being working class, it’s just something that I notice. I’m really not sure.

I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman. I actually feel sorry for her, so I just remain quietly at Cam’s side.

“My friends are just assuming that you’ll come to your senses and do the right thing by me and your son.” Her eyes are a very wishy-washy blue-grey colour and they are suddenly on me.

“Has Cameron told you we’re expecting a child together, or have you no shame? Your own husband’s only been dead five minutes, and already, here you are, barely dressed, in the home of another man.” Okay, perhaps I do want to make a new enemy; shit, they’re forming a queue today.

“I don’t think what I do or what I wear has anything to do with you,” I say politely. I want to tell her to fuck right off and mind her own business, but I don’t want to swear and appear inarticulate.

Cam’s arm slides around my hip and he pulls me closer to him, as close as I can actually get. “Tamara, why are you here exactly? Coz I ain’t got a clue what it is you want, darling.”

“
You,
” she shrieks, “I want you to stop all of this. You know you should be with me. You know we belong together. She had her chance and chose her rock star and left you in pieces. Why would you take her back? Why would you choose to be second best?” She wipes her hand across her nose. “You’ve got her by default. You know that, don’t you? She didn’t want you when he was alive. She left you for
him
and she’s only with you now because he’s dead. She just doesn’t want to be alone.” I remain silent. I know that we are going to hear this again and again and I have no response. What she’s saying is probably true. If Sean were alive, we would still be together, but he’s not, and Cam and I have found our way back to each other. Whether we’ve got enough between us to make it last, remains to be seen, but we’re going to give it our best shot.

“You need to go, Tam. You’re becoming irrational. It’s not good for you and it can’t be good for the baby.”

“What do you care?” she says dramatically and I look up at Cam. I don’t know how he’s keeping his cool, or not doubled over with laughter. I can throw a hissy fit of epic proportions; I did it on a regular basis. With a houseful of brothers, I also learnt how to act heartbroken and upset so I could get my own way, and that’s exactly what she’s doing now. I can’t quite work out what her game is. Whether she thinks Cam will feel sorry for her, or she thinks I will fall for her crap and walk away. I have no idea, but it’s not working and I think it’s time for her to leave.

Cam’s phone rings and he looks from the screen to Tamara the screeching banshee.

“Robyn, she’s here… She told me you let her go out for a walk… Okay, well Benny will bring her home, she’s leaving now…

“You think so? …
But, how? Mark should be with her at all times…

“Oh, does he? Well, I’ll give him a bell and get that sorted but let me know if you have any concerns, and do me a favour; when she gets back, check her blood pressure please. She’s having a little tantrum at the moment and it can’t be good for either of them… Okay cheers.”

He ends the call. “Stop with the tears, Tamara. You’re a fucking actress. Robyn had no idea you were here. You were supposed to be going for milk, which you didn’t need. Robyn’s just found the carton you hid in the back garden.” He lets out a long breath. “I don’t know how to make this any clearer to you, so I will just say it how it is.” He looks at me. “I’m with Georgia. I love Georgia. Me and you, whether the baby is mine or not, will never be together, never. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make you cry, but you need to understand. We may share a child, but that is as far as our relationship will ever go.”

I don’t look at her. I don’t want to gloat. I’ve had my heart broken. It’s not something I would ever wish on anyone.

The front door opens and closes, and Cam says from beside me, “That’ll be Benny. He’s gonna drive you home, Tam. Please don’t make a scene.” I look up at him as he rubs his hand over his jaw. “I want you to be well. I want you to be safe. I want the baby to be born healthy, but that’s all there is between us. Please don’t come here again.”

Benny is leaning against the wall as I look up and he winks at me.

“You all right, George? You’re looking well, girl.” I nod slightly.

“I’m doing okay, Ben. It’s good to see you.”

“I can find my own way home. I don’t need him,” Tamara interrupts. Cam lets out a long sigh and rakes his hand through his hair.

“Tamara, you’re a pregnant drug addict. You either play by my rules and have Mark and Robyn with you, or I put you back in the facility, and this time, I’ll let your dad know the real reason you’re in there.” He looks at Benny. “Take her home, Ben. See her in and tell Marky to call me.”

Benny swings his keys around and says, “Will do, boss. See ya, George.”

“Bye, Ben.”

He looks at Tamara. “You fit then, your ladyship?”

“Fuck off, Benjamin. Please don’t speak to me.”

“My pleasure, darling, my pleasure,” he says on a chuckle as he walks back up the hallway.

Tamara folds her arms across her chest and looks at both of us. “It won’t last you know. As soon as she’s finished mourning, she’ll go off into the big wide world and leave you. Just like she did before.” She turns her gaze on me. “And him, he’ll soon get bored. Cam’s not the settling down type. He likes variety, someone different to warm his bed every week, except me of course. He’s kept me around for over ten years and that’s because he can’t keep away. There’s always been something special between Cameron and me, and now there’s a child involved, he won’t be able to stay away, so enjoy him while you can. He’ll soon be running back to me.”

She stands and waits for my reply but I keep a dignified silence.

“Just go,” Cam says quietly from beside me and she turns and walks away.

I fold my arms across my chest and look up at him. “Well, that went better than I expected.” I’ve barely got the words out of my mouth when Tamara comes screeching from the hallway towards us. Benny is behind her, but isn’t fast enough to stop her launching herself at me, Cam blocks her path as she lashes out, kicking, clawing and punching him. Benny grabs her and Cam calls out, “Careful, Ben, careful, she’s pregnant, remember.”

“Pregnant, fucking pregnant, she’s a lunatic, Cam. That’s what she is, a fucking lunatic.”

I’ve barely moved as I watch the two huge men wrestle with Tamara. I’ve rarely witnessed violence in my life. I know I attacked Whorely the way I did, but whenever fights break out around me, I always seem to freeze to the spot, and despite Cam knocking into me a couple of times, I stand and stare at what unfolds. Tamara’s eyes are wide and on me the whole time.

“I hate you. Why didn’t you die with your husband?” she screams at me. It’s like she’s a different person to the one who just stood calmly in front of us. Her words cause a horrible pain in my chest but I still say and do nothing.

“What did you take?” Cam has her face in his big hands and forces her to look at him, “You’re on something. I fucking know it. What did you take?”

She throws her head back and starts to laugh. Cam turns and looks at me and I hate what I see in his eyes, written all over his face; it's guilt. It’s how I probably looked when I found him in his bathroom at his old flat above the wine bar that time. He’s blaming himself for this. He thinks her being a junkie is all down to him and I don’t know what to say or do to take the guilt away.

“You okay, Kitten?” he asks me quietly. I’m touched that his first thought is for me while all this chaos is going on. I swallow and nod, but I’m not entirely sure that I am and I think he knows it. “Can you call an ambulance for me? Call for an ambulance, then pass me the phone so I can talk to them.”

I nod again and turn to get my phone when Tamara screams, “What did you call her? Did you call her Kitten? Why? Why?” She’s kicking and thrashing again. “Why her? Why not me? Why not me?” She starts to sob as I press 9-9-9 on my phone. She stops fighting and just sobs and I start to cry as I pass the phone to Cam. She’s heartbroken. I know that cry. I’ve cried like that so often myself this past year and I can’t help but feel sorry for her and I can’t help but wonder… if I wasn’t here, would he be with her? Would they be together? Am I breaking up or keeping apart a family?

* * *

I sit on the sofa and watch as Cam holds Tamara in his arms as she cries. The paramedics arrive, but she screams and begs Cam not to let them take her away, so in the end, he goes in the ambulance with her. He barks at Benny to stay with me as he carries her out the door. “I’ll be back as soon as she’s settled,” he looks over his shoulder, directing his words at me. I nod. What else can I do?

The front door closes and when Benny comes and sits down next to me on the sofa, I really let the tears go. I’m not really sure why I’m crying. What I just witnessed was distressing, but I think my tears are more about guilt, and for the first time in a long while, I hear that little voice in my head telling me that perhaps I should’ve died on that cold pavement next to Sean and our son last year. Perhaps that’s what was meant to happen, but because of my husband’s selfless actions, it didn’t, and now here I am, being selfish, loving Cam and ruining other people’s lives.

Benny sits quietly at first, saying nothing as I cry. After about ten minutes, he says, “Come on, George. Don’t cry like that, sweetheart. It’s upsetting to hear.” I lean over and pull a couple of tissues from the box on the coffee table and blow my nose.

“Sorry, Ben,” I sniff. “You wanna cup of tea or something?” I ask him.

“Fuck the tea, babe, I need a proper drink after dealing with that Loony Tune.” He gets up and goes over to a top cupboard in the kitchen and pulls out a bottle of bourbon, then a glass from a different cupboard. “You want one of these, or you want summit different?” he asks.

I stand up and stretch. “I’ll have a wine. D’ya know where the glasses are?” He opens another cupboard and pulls out a wine glass. I fill it with the wine I’ve taken from the fridge, then go and sit back down on the sofa. My head spins after just one sip. It’s still early in the day, not yet twelve, and despite having had a little bit of breakfast, the alcohol hits me.

“Them paparazzi are gonna have a fuckin’ field day with all this. I don’t know how you’ve put up with it all these years, George. I really don’t. They hang about like flies ‘round shit. I’d line the fuckin’ lot of ‘em up against a wall and have ‘em shot, I would.”

I give a little laugh. There’re plenty of times I’ve wanted to do much worse. The attention was a little more acceptable when Sean was alive, but now, it was just ridiculous. All this attention aimed at me is beyond belief.

“Are there many out there?” I ask.

He sips on his drink and nods. “There were about four when I pulled in but they were out on the street. Your brothers sent some security over so they couldn’t get into the car park like they did last night when you pulled up.” Last night, it was just last night when I pulled up here with Cam. It’s amazing how easily we’ve slipped into being together again, almost like we’d never been apart. Except that we had; we’d both lived this whole other life for the past twelve years.

“Was there no one else, Ben? Was she the only girlfriend he’s had?”

He shakes his head. “She’s never been his bird, George. Don’t believe any of that ranting and raving she was doing earlier.” He turns and looks me. “There’s been no one since you, no one. Tamara’s only ever been a fuckpiece.” I raise my eyebrows at his term. “Don’t look like that. She’s used him as much as he’s used her over the years, so don’t go feeling sorry for her.” I pull my legs underneath me, cover myself with a throw and turn towards him.

“How was she using him?”

He takes in a deep breath and shrugs. “In the early days, she was trying to make it as a model and Cam knew lots of people, mixed in the right circles. He needed a bird for certain events; she needed to be seen in the right places. He wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was she.” He drains his drink. “Then she started going a bit wonky, got on the gear and things started to change.” I nod as I listen to Benny’s version of what Cam had told me last night. “The thing with Cam, George, is that he’s ruthless in business, but underneath it all, he’s got a good heart. He’s a nice bloke, until you cross him, or fuck with what’s his. You’ve seen it first hand. I don’t need to tell you how he can switch.” He lifts his big body off the sofa and goes and fetches the bottle of bourbon, comes back, sits down and tops up his glass.

“He realised she was in trouble with the gear she was shoving up her nose. She was calling him at all hours, turning up at the club off her tits. She was so skinny. She looked a right sight, so he paid for her rehab and stayed away from her for a few years.” He rubs over his stubbly chin with his big hand. “He’s done nothing but work these last couple of years, George, got all of his businesses mostly legit.”

I smile and raise my eyebrows at Benny. “Mostly legit?”

He winks at me. “Come on, George. This is Cam. He’s got contacts. He needs something doing, he doesn’t always uses legitimate means to get it done. You’re a Layton. You know how it works.”

“Actually, Ben, I had no ideas what my dad did for a living until I met Cam.”

“You’re fuckin’ kiddin’ me?”

I shake my head. “Na, when I was growing up, I just thought my dad earned a lot of money from his car fronts and the building company. I knew we were better off than most coz we had a nice house and nice
holidays. I had no idea where the money was coming from and it wasn’t till I was with Cam that the penny dropped and I asked my mum about it.”

He nods. “Well, your dad’s very protective of his family. I s’pose he thought the less you knew the better. Your dad and Cam sort of remind me a bit of each other.”

“Well, that’s a little bit worrying.” We both laugh.

“I mean in the way they go about their business, George. They’re both fair and they look after the people around them, but you mess with them and theirs, then they will fuck you up.” I take a long sip on my wine. I’ve never seen that side of my dad, or my brother for that matter.

“Anyway,” he carries on, “she turns up at the club opening in Ibiza in August. She looks good, healthy. He takes her home that night, and when he gets up in the morning, she’s gone, along with his wallet and his nice new Cartier watch.” He stares down into his glass as if he’s thinking about something. “He’s fucked off, but don’t say too much. Then the next thing we know, she’s claiming that she’s up the duff and the baby’s his.” He bites down on his bottom lip and shakes his head. “I don’t know, George. She’s so adamant that it’s his kid and he’s adamant that there’s no way that it can be. I really don’t think he’d lie. He’s said all along that he’ll step up if the kid’s his.” He lets out a long breath.

“Can I ask you something, Ben, honestly?”

“Knock yourself out, George. Can’t promise I’ll answer though.”

“If I wasn’t in the picture, if I wasn’t around, would he be with her? Would he settle down with Tamara and the baby?” He laughs, a big loud belly laugh. It’s infectious and I smile as I say, “What’s funny? What ya laughing at?”

“You are fuckin’ kiddin me, right?” He raises his eyebrows as he looks at me, his forehead forming lots of lines. “He can’t fuckin’ stand her, George. When she nicked his money, his watch and that, that was it for him; he washed his hands of her, but because of the baby, until he knows for sure, he’ll do what he can.” I don’t want to be relieved at this news, but I sort of am. “In all honesty, George, even if this kid ain’t his, he’ll still do the right thing by her. He’ll end up setting her up somewhere and making sure her and the kid are taken care of. That’s just the type of bloke he is.” He drains his glass again and looks at me for a minute. “He’s never loved anyone the way he loves you, George. You must know that?”

I shake my head. “But I don’t know if he can ever trust me or forgive for what happened before.” He laces his fingers together behind his head and leans back.

“You’re here, ain’t ya? He swore to me he’d never get involved again after what happened all them years ago, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that I’m happy that you are here now.” I admire his honesty, but my stomach still lurches and my heart hurts at his words.

“I won’t hurt him, Ben. I promise I won’t hurt him.” I can feel my lips tremble, but I keep going, “If you think I should walk away and leave him and Tamara to sort their shit out, if you think he’ll be happier with her, then I’ll go, Ben. I’ll walk away.” I look down at my empty wine glass. “This time I’ll do the right thing.” I wipe my running nose on the bottom of Cam’s T-shirt and think about how my mother would flip out if she had seen me do that.

Benny lets out a big long huff. “He loves ya, George, like you wouldn’t believe, but what you did before,” he nods as he looks at me, “when you left him before and I came and got ya that time, I thought that was it. I really thought he’d end up topping himself.”

I get up and go to the fridge to top up my wine glass and I mean top it up. I even take a swig as I stand at the fridge and then top it up some more. I have a feeling this story is going to be hard to listen to. Ben waits for me to get comfortable before continuing, “When you left that day, it took us a good hour to try and calm him down. In the end, Robbie asked the doctor to give him something. Then we had him locked in his room for two weeks, just till we were sure he wouldn’t go and get straight on the piss again or the Charlie… Or,” he looks at me for a few seconds, “come looking for you.”

“Me?”

He nods slowly. “He had it in his head that when you were there at the flat that day he was fucked up, that he heard you tell Robbie that you loved him. Cam I mean, he reckons he heard you say that you loved him, but you just hadn’t realised it until then.” Oh, God. I sip my wine and stare down at my glass. “He was convinced if he could just see ya, talk to ya, that you’d come back to him.” He sips his drink. “He was
convinced that you’d eventually see sense and come walking through the door.” I remember the conversation clearly. I remember the whole day. I think it was the day that I first realised that I might, quite possibly be in love with two men.

“He didn’t imagine it, Ben. I did say it. I did tell Robbie that I loved Cam.”

He raises his eyebrows again, then frowns. “So why did you leave him? Why’d you go back to Maca?”

I know he’ll never understand this, but we’re being honest here so I give it my best shot at explaining. “Because I couldn’t
not
be with Sean. I had to be with him, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love Cam. I know it doesn’t make sense, Ben, but that’s all I’ve got, and the thing is, even after all these years, even while I was happily married and in love with my husband, I still loved Cam.”

Benny shakes his head. “Fucking women, I don’t know. I can’t fathom you out. You baffle me, the lot of ya.”

I smile. “You married, Ben?”

He shakes his head. “Not any more. I was for a coupla years. Didn’t work out.”

“That’s a shame.”

He nods. “Yeah, we probably didn’t try hard enough. We were young and stupid, and doing what I do for a living, it weren’t really fair. I was out all hours and she was stuck at home with the baby.” Benny has a child. I had no idea.

“You have kids? I didn’t know.”

He nods. “Just the one. She’s twenty-four now. Her name’s India.” He nods and smiles as he speaks, obviously proud. “She’s just started an internship for some big advertising company in New York.”

“Oh, wow, a clever girl then?”

“Yep, she went to a good school and then on to Oxford.” He pauses for a second and looks at me. “Cam paid for her education. Like I said, George, that’s just the kind of bloke he is.” Wow. Before I get a chance to speak my phone rings. It’s my mum.

“Mother.”

“How are you, Georgia? Can we expect you home today? You’re only just back in the country and I’ve seen nothing of you. Will you be home tonight?” I can’t tell her what’s unfolded here this morning. She will have a meltdown so I bend the truth a little bit.

“I won’t be home tonight, but I’ll be home tomorrow. Cam’s had to go and sort out some business so we’ve not really had a chance to talk too much yet.”

“Oh, George,” she huffs into the phone, “are you sure about all this? Are you ready to start something new?” I chew on my lip as I listen to her.

“I don’t know, Mum. That’s why we need to talk. That’s what we need to sort out.” Again, it’s not entirely the truth, but I’m not sure what my family are going to think about me diving headfirst into a relationship with Cam. I have a feeling it’ll go along the lines of ‘oh, fuck, here we go again!’. We’re both quiet for a few seconds. “I do love him, Mum. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped.”

“Well then you go for it, Georgia. You grab it and hold onto it. Nobody’s promised tomorrow, George. You of all people have learnt that the hardest way possible, and if you think that being with Cam is right for you, then you bloody well go for it. I just want you to be happy. Happy and safe, George, that’s all I want.” She’s crying as she speaks. I’m crying as I listen.

“I love you, Mum. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through, not just this past year, but you know, all the times I’ve put you through shit. I know it’s not been easy having me as a daughter.” She makes a noise and I think it’s somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

“Georgia, it’s an absolute pleasure and a privilege to be your mum. I’m so very proud of you and how far you’ve come these past few months.” I take a gulp of my wine to try and help swallow down the golf ball that’s wedged in my throat.

“But they’re gonna hate me. You know that right, Mum? The newspapers and the fans, they’re all gonna hate me and Cam being together. They’ll dig up dirt and they’ll print lies.” I think the alcohol, combined with jet lag and the D and M I’ve been having with Benny have sent my head spinning. I feel a little bit out of control and hysterical. I want Cam here. I need him here, but I feel guilty for that. I should be more understanding of Tamara’s situation, but I’m not. I resent her. I’m jealous of her and her pregnancy, and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be that person.

“Fuck them, Georgia.” My mother just swore. I’m stunned into silence. “Fuck the press and the fans and everyone else who feels they have a right to an opinion on your life. It’s nothing to do with anyone but you and Cameron. Like you told us all yesterday, it’s your life. Everyone just needs to take a step back and trust you to make the right choices.” She actually sounds angry and I laugh nervously at her outburst. I take a sip of my wine and spit it everywhere as she continues, “Now you go and enjoy every one of those nine inches he’s got on offer, because if I was in your shoes, I know that I bloody well would.” I wipe my chin and check Benny staring wide-eyed at me.