The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (9 page)

Yes, for social climbers of any and all genders and regardless of sexual orientation, having sex with a portal to a brighter future—getting nasty with someone vastly more connected and influential than yourself—can take you to the top of the ladder literally overnight. But there are risks other than STDs for the Mountaineer who chooses that method of climbing.

For those considering making use of sex in their climb, always remember this: The wise climber never makes the first sexual overture to a Big Fish. We say that not because we are prudish or old-fashioned, but simply because if they are a Big Fish, and you’re a guppy, particularly if you are a very young and attractive guppy and they are old and scaly, if you hit on them first, they will be prone to suspect that you are interested in them for reasons other than their body.

Be meek, coy, modest, claim to be a semivirgin, swear you’ve never taken a shower before with anyone in your life. Even if they don’t believe it, they’ll find it exciting to hear you say it.

What to do when the Big Fish hits on you? Every Mountaineer has to decide for themselves when it’s right to say yes, no, and maybe. First and foremost, social climbers should never allow anyone to put them in a situation where they feel pressured or obligated to have sex. Even if the Big Fish has given you a job, a Ferrari, or a ten-carat diamond, you still have the right to say no. Though perhaps if you’ve been given all three, it might be wise to say, “Maybe someday I’ll feel that way about you, but for right now, let’s just keep on being friends.”

Surprisingly, in general there are far more reasons to say no than yes to sex. If you are less than gorgeous/subhandsome, i.e., the average person, you know that sex
can
be a beautiful thing . . .  but often, it is not. Because Big Fish of both sexes possess large egos to hide equally oversized insecurities, if you sleep with a Big Fish, and the sex is bad/awkward/weird or fails to end in liftoff for the Big Fish, who is most likely to be blamed for the disappointment? YOU!

Even if your Big Fish has the honesty to admit that he’s always been a premature ejaculator, or confessed the closest thing she’s ever had to an orgasm occurred in a previous life, chances are they will be so embarrassed by their confession they not only won’t want to try having sex with you again, they won’t want to see you again, i.e., you won’t be invited to their next party.

Now if the sex is great for the Big Fish but leaves you feeling less than satisfied, or as if you’ve just been slimed by a giant slug, you will be in an even worse position. Why? Because now the Big Fish is going to want to have sex with you again, and again, and again. Instead of taking you to those fantastic parties that
enabled you to meet the Big Fish’s even Bigger Fish friends, your Big Fish is going to want to keep you all to him- or herself so he/she can have more sex. Say good-bye to all those glamorous dinners at chic restaurants where you could table hop. You will find yourself trapped in romantic rendezvous in out-of-the-way, dimly lit bistros, or worse, staying in and having takeout and yes, more sex. In short, don’t set yourself up to be a sore loser . . .  literally.

Surprising but true, that small minority of readers who are above average in physical appearance or drop-dead gorgeous/Adonis handsome often find themselves in an even more abusive and disadvantaged position. Beautiful women who refuse to have sex with an ardent male Big Fish, who have the self-respect and honesty to say a simple “No, thank you,” are nine times out of ten subsequently told that they are cold, heartless bitches and/or lesbians. Which isn’t so bad if you are a lesbian. Except if that is the case, the rejected Big Fish will then pester you to let him watch while you have sex with one of his girlfriends.

Similarly, when an extremely handsome man declines the sexual overtures of a female Big Fish, he of course is immediately labeled “gay.” Which sometimes might be the case. But even if you are extremely handsome and gay and the Big Fish is gay and you say, “Thanks but no thanks” to having him for dinner, you, like the beautiful woman, will also be called a “bitch.”

The safest and surest way to avoid landing in a sexual position that could either jeopardize or sidetrack social advancement is to put yourself from the get-go in a position where you won’t ever have to say yes, no, or maybe. How do you do that? Simple. The first time the subtext of sex comes up, simply say, “I’d love to, but I just had
this surgical procedure. . . .” Make it clear that it’s nothing contagious or so serious as to force you to close shop forever. Just a small plumbing problem that will rule out any attempt at intercourse for the next six months. In the meantime, you’ll be free to flirt, flatter, and kiss as many frogs as necessary to get where you want to go.

We strongly suggest that those readers who still think they have what it takes to climb the ladder via a series of sexual conquests go back to the mirror and remove their clothes. If after a second naked, hard look at yourself, you are still convinced you have the physical assets and moral elasticity to screw your way to the top, hats off to you and remember the following:

An informative role model for our female readers who want to Mountaineer while remaining horizontal is Pamela Harriman, aka the Whale Huntress.

Moral:
Great social climbers do not let average looks or the substance abuse problems of their mates get in the way of a good ride. Also, they do not stop dating up the food chain just because they are married. . . .

Affairs While Married to Randolph

Moral:
A great social climber who is married does not stop trying to move up in the world. (Unfortunately, Pamela was unable to get any of the above boyfriends to leave their wives.)

Affairs After Divorcing Randolph

Moral:
A great social climber knows that once you sleep with one Whale, other Whales will want to sleep with you, too.

Moral:
Even great social climbers experience setbacks.

Moral:
If you don’t succeed at first, try, try, and try again.

A thought-provoking role model for our male readers who think they have what it takes to sleep their way to the top is Porfirio “Rubi” Rubirosa, aka the Pepper Grinder. Whereas Pamela was a master technician, a courtesan who knew how to make the most of her assets, Rubi was a natural sexual athlete.

Rubi’s wives included the daughter of Rafael Trujillo, president of the Dominican Republic, and two of richest women in the world, tobacco heiress Doris Duke and Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton. It’s not what he received in his divorce settlements that make him special, though he was given a B-25 bomber that had been customized into a flying hotel suite, a seventeenth-century mansion in Paris, and a coffee plantation in the Dominican Republic. What makes Rubi a role model is that while servicing rich women he had the staying power to satisfy an endless list of sex goddesses from Marilyn Monroe to Zsa Zsa Gabor. How did he keep it up, you ask? He had a God-given gift for riding more than just polo ponies and race cars.

To the male readers who have taken off their clothes and looked in the mirror and still think they can follow Rubi’s footsteps into the boudoir, know that his popularity with grateful and generous ladies was due in no small part to the fact that his penis was so large it earned him the nickname the Pepper
Grinder, that is, the twenty-four-inch, two-handed model that French waiters to this day still refer to as “Rubirosas.” No question, Rubi deserves an asterisk in the record book due to the fact that he climbed so many mountains pre Viagra.

Moral:
Social climbing is all about maximizing your human potential.

Note:
Gentlemen who think they can sleep their way to the top à la Rubi should also recognize the cruel truth that it is far harder for a man to fake a convincing orgasm than it is for a woman.

Rarer than being blessed with a pepper grinder at birth is the one-in-a-million chance that you will turn out to be the kind of social climber who meets your first Big Fish, falls in love, and has genuinely fantastic sex. But if the dice do happen to roll that way for you, we urge you to ask yourself the question every social climber should consider when they look at the person next to them in bed: “Is this really the best I can do for
me
?”

Social climbers never settle for less than what they deserve.

It’s important to add that those readers who do not have or like sex should feel neither left out nor disadvantaged—some of the most successful social climbers are in fact asexual. Not being a slave to your hormones, undistracted by the biological urge to procreate, you will be able to focus your entire mind and body on what’s truly important—friends who will enrich your life and lead to friendships that will bring you so much entrée, acceptance, and power in your own right that other people will want to suck up to you.

If romance isn’t in the running, you won’t be viewed as
competition with straight, gay, bi, lesbian, or transgender Big Fish. And thus, you will be more trusted. Said Big Fish will seek out your unbiased opinion of their boyfriends, girlfriends, potential wives, fiancés, etc. The truly asexual can be objective and serve as an all-purpose beard. How you can take maximum advantage of this trust will be covered in our Networking chapter.

We live in a changing world. Socially ambitious men who provide escort to society women, whose husbands are either dead, away on business, or seeing their mistresses, aka Walkers, were once almost exclusively gay. Today, in a throwback to the times where eunuchs ruled the sultan’s harem, the job of Walker is often best filled by the genuinely asexual.

Merely gather your clothes quickly and explain that you’d love to linger but you have to get home and change for an important meeting. Most important, if anyone later asks how your evening with the Big Fish went, leave out the disappointing sexual details and simply say, “He was fantastic!”—Big Fish always appreciate those who provide false advertising.