The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (3 page)

Proper etiquette for the social climber involves far more than
just remembering to say please and thank you. Social climbing is a strategy for getting more out of life. As such, bluffs, feints, tactical retreats, flanking maneuvers, ambushes, forced marches, and yes, unfortunately, collateral damage to innocents are involved in victory.

If done correctly, it is not unlike cyber warfare. You are the virus, and the enemy—all those who have access to things you want who are not yet your new best friends—will have no idea they’re under attack until you have gained entrée and moved on to the next party.

But before we decide which stratagems will work best for you, let’s begin by asking ourselves a few personal questions:

What Are My Assets?

Not sure? Why don’t we start by removing our clothes (that includes underwear) and taking a good hard look at ourselves in the mirror.

If you don’t like what you see, remember: Penicillin started out as mold.

Would you describe yourself as less than gorgeous? Subhandsome? Are you overweight? Out of shape? Plagued by the heartbreak of psoriasis? Would you refuse to have sex with someone who resembled yourself?

So now that you’re naked, we want you to repeat our Mantra for Upward Mobility. I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT ME IS TRUE IF I DON’T WANT IT TO BE. I WILL NOT BE JUDGED.

As you’re repeating your new mantra, here’s another thought that will cheer you up: One of the great things about social climbing is that being a beautiful person, either physically or spiritually, is not always an asset.

Particularly as you climb to the higher rungs of the ladder, you will discover that those worth getting to know—the megarich, the hugely powerful, what we like to call Whales—are extraordinary people but rarely extraordinarily physically attractive people.

If we were being mean we might say Microsoft’s Paul Allen has the look of a mortician and Bill Gates resembles a snail out of his shell; or suggest corporate raider Ron Perelman was the inspiration for SpongeBob’s snobby neighbor, Squidward. Our point is, if you check the
Forbes
400, the top of the food chain isn’t pretty. Movie stars, supermodels, and rock stars may be
better-looking, but they’re ugly in their own way. Human nature being what it is, people who are filthy rich and powerful and famous and less than beautiful want to surround themselves with people who will make them feel more attractive by comparison, i.e., you.

The privileged elite, the Mountaineers’ portals to a brighter future, are what we call Big Fish. Though we can be accused of mixing metaphors, you will soon discover that one can’t get close to the top of the mountain without learning how to recognize, hook, and filet Big Fish. Having spent their lives working and climbing to get where they are, Big Fish want friends they can count on to envy them, friends who will make them feel superior: friends like you.

Those readers whose assets do not include physical beauty should also know they have one huge advantage when it comes to social climbing. If you are clearly more attractive than the Big Fish, i.e., gorgeous/handsome, they will want to have sex with you. If you have sex with them, they will either be disappointed or, worse, fall for you and want to have sex with you again and again and again, thereby becoming possessive and limiting your ability to move on and seduce one of their richer and more powerful friends.

Now, stop chanting. Put your clothes back on, and let’s take a look in your closet.

As Coco Chanel said, dress as you wish to be perceived. First and foremost, social climbers should look like they belong . . .  anywhere. Unless, of course, it’s in your interest to look like you don’t belong, which is a more complex strategy that will be
covered later. You want to fit in and at the same time set yourself apart just enough so that you’ll be remembered. Your outfit should tell a story—invite conversation, curiosity, and just enough envy to make people think you’re worthy of their friendship.

A large hat with a veil for women, or a fedora for men, pulled rakishly low over one eye, can make the difference between being remembered as the guest with the unfortunate nose and being recalled as the fun person in the chapeau.

As a rule of thumb, never be overdressed, for the simple reason that it will make it clear how hard you’re trying to be something you’re not. Those who actually belong to whatever social strata you’re trying to move up into won’t be trying hard. Which means no matter how hard you’re working at pretending to be someone other than yourself, it should appear at all times that you are just being yourself.

Of course, occasionally arriving in a ball gown or a tuxedo to a casual event can work wonders for you if you wear it in a way that implies you’re on your way to somewhere fancier, better, and more socially promising, which in turn will give your hosts, who more often than not are as socially ambitious as yourself, the false impression that you might have connections they can exploit to their advantage.

Here are some suggested fun looks for the social climber—looks that will make you seem worth getting to know at a glance but not strange. A word to the wise: You want your outfit to be a conversation starter, not a joke.

If you’re a Sikh, go with the turban and uncut hair, aka the
kes
, along with the other four Ks, the
kanga
(wooden comb),
kara
(steel or iron bracelet),
kirpan
(dagger), and the special sexy
kachhera
(underwear). Look what the Mormon Church’s magical briefs did for Mitt Romney. If you have a drop of Scottish blood in you, wear your kilt and sporran when flambéing the boulevard. Indonesian (or just look it), a blue blazer and a sarong is a worldly ice breaker. For those who are from the Arabian Gulf states, a word to the wise: Though a head scarf is dashing, a burka and full robes might get in the way of your dance floor fun, unless of course you’re the daughter of an Emirate emir and have a disco in your 747.

Whatever look you go for, stick with it—not having to waste time shopping or deciding what to wear will give you more time to work on your social life.

How to Sound Like a Somebody

The rules have changed since
My Fair Lady
’s Eliza Doolittle had to learn how to talk fancy. The era when an accent could hinder your climb is fortunately behind us. Sounding as if you come from somewhere when you come from nowhere can be a plus. Texas twang, southern drawl, English, Australian, Pakistani, whatever, don’t lose it, go with it. It will make you seem more authentic. The one caveat to this rule, of course, is if your accent is “Jersey Shore”—in this case, if elocution lessons are not an option, the quickest way for you to get respect is to let your host or hostess know that your family is in organized crime.

In terms of presentation, one last piece of advice: A good social climber doesn’t look or smell nervous. If you belong, you
don’t sweat. Now because you’re soon going to be stepping into situations where you don’t belong, carry a clean handkerchief and a good deodorant on your person at all times. Never forget: When a social climber steps into a room, he or she should smell like a breath of fresh air.

T
elling people they look gorgeous when in fact they’re an eyesore or praising them for being wise when they have the intelligence of a cocker spaniel doesn’t make you a phony, it makes you a kind person.

If you have qualms about telling the white lies, whoppers, exaggerations, and confabulations of fact and fiction that will not only make your climb go easier and faster but also make people like you more, consider this:

Both scientists and philosophers agree that no truth is absolute, all truths are subjective, and reality is a matter of perception. That is, what small minds might call a lie is not. Social climbers should think like legendary quantum physicist Hugh Everett, who said, among other things, that anything that can happen, does happen in some universe somewhere.

For example, say you’re a man who has been invited to a social function where you’re expected to wear a suit and tie and you have nothing in your closet except track suits, hoodies, and sweats. If you show up and admit to your host or hostess that you are dressed for a game of b-ball because you don’t own a suit, your chances of making a successful impression are far slimmer than if you arrive in your athletic gear and apologize for the way you are underdressed by explaining that you were just shooting hoops over at the Nets new arena in Brooklyn with Jay Z.

Could it be true? In a physicist’s theoretical parallel universe it could!

Does the white lie make you seem like the kind of person your host will want to show off to his even better-connected friends—most definitely!

The only question the social climber should ask when employing the physicists’ and philosophers’ creative approach to reality is simply—WILL I GET CAUGHT?

In this case, if your host is white and has a net worth under a hundred million dollars, the odds of his bumping into Jay Z and finding out you’re lying are longer than the odds of your being struck by a meteor while sitting on the couch watching the Nets play on television.

You must always remember that those who have far more money, power, and access than you do will undoubtedly have been climbing for years and are far more experienced Mountaineers than you are. As such, they will have a built-in bullshit detector.

Simply saying everything and everybody is fabulous won’t make the Big Fish think you’re especially remarkable, especially if they’re French. The key to keeping your betters’ bullshit detector from going off and avoiding being written off as an obvious suck-up or straightforward sycophant requires three things: 1) patience, 2) planning, and 3) polishing reality, that is, a willingness to confabulate one or more small white lies that will make someone other than yourself look and feel good.

Here’s how it works: First demonstrate yourself to be a critical-thinking person of discerning taste by subtly putting down those you are sure the Big Fish thinks are either above or beneath him (this should be done in private to make sure that a third party doesn’t quote you and thus prevent you from becoming friends at a later date with those you have dissed to ingratiate yourself).

Having established a bond of shared disdain, retreat.

Whether you wait a week or an hour to sink your hook depends on your circumstances and the amount of alcohol and/or drugs the Big Fish has consumed. The important thing to remember is you should wait until the Big Fish is feeling good, happy, and relaxed, surrounded by friends. Then, at a suitable lull in the conversation, interject, “You know, Barbara (or whatever name your Big Fish goes by), the last time we talked you said the most brilliant thing about [art, the junk bond market, romance, parenting, whatever].”

Now even though the brilliant statement you just referred to was never made by Barbara, and even if she has in fact never made a brilliant statement in her life, when you proceed to attribute a brilliant statement to her that she never made, she, and everybody else, is going to be impressed.

Offer up a reworked truism of Oscar Wilde’s, plagiarize Fran Lebowitz, or paraphrase Jon Stewart on
The
Daily Show
. For instance, if you were talking about art, you might want to endow the Big Fish with these words of wisdom. “Great art doesn’t idealize the real, it realizes the ideal.”