The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (12 page)

“Harumph, harumph, where is he? Jubei? Jubei?
Jubei!
Harumph, I mean, Super Secret Agent Trevorgawa, I am most pleased to see you safely returned. I see that you have successfully carried out your unauthorized mission. Congratulations on your naughty disobedience paying off. Give me a report!”

“Hai, Admiral Misosouwa, I regret to report that I only enjoyed partial success in my unauthorized mission. I have rescued the sweet, innocent, beautiful, Rhianico, and apprehended the international criminals, Doctor Atwell Lionelstein and Laurie Petier; however, the fiendish scientist was able to ignite one, last detonation of his ‘
Excoriation Process’
. This has had dire results.”

“What sort of dire results, Jubei? Oops! I mean, Super Secret Agent Trevorgawa!”

“The sicko, cyclopean scientist has unleashed a super-monster that cannot be controlled. These two super-monsters that you see in the water behind me are our friends. They are pledged to do all they can to help defeat the threat that is coming to destroy the World.”

“Hmm, a super-monster that is capable of destroying the World, eh? What form is this creature?”

“He is a reptile, admiral Misosouwa. An enormous super-monster, hundreds of feet tall. This leviathan-sized lizard is in a livid rage. He has shown a desire to literally stamp out anything that indicates civilization. He is on a course for the Japanese home islands. There is no doubt that the super-monster wants to kick and stomp and tail sweep our cities into oblivion! When he is through with us, he will then continue his rampage on a circumnavigational tour.”

“Harumph! No Jubei, His Majesty’s Royal Navy shall conquer this super-monster! Though your description is fearsome, our navy’s might is indomitable! Besides this mighty battleship you ride on, there are scores of modern naval ships, equipped with the latest in gimmicky weapons standing by to be arrayed against any threat!”

“Hai, Admiral Misosouwa! It will take every resource we can throw at the super-monster, but we must stay the beast!”

“Harumph, we have the greatest navy on the planet at our disposal! Mighty battleships, as this one, that are armed with the biggest guns ever built! These gigantic cannon can cast their explosive ordinance over a mile with pin-point accuracy! We have feisty frigates featuring fearsome ray casters that can incinerate their targets! Part of this armada is made up a a new specialty ship. It is flat and level along its upper deck, so we have nick-named them ‘table-tops’. These are our air-craft bearers! We are able to bring our balloon, dirigible and zeppelin forces with us! These too, have incredible weapons and of course, the famed ‘
Men of the Air’
corps.”

“Hai, Admiral, this is an unbeatable array of military might!”

“Do not worry, Jubei, nothing can stand before an onslaught of such violence and destruction!”

Clear, cold, blue, ocean water pours over my hide, cleansing me from the filth of artificial contaminants.

The buoyant medium supports my weight, but the frigid temperatures do nothing to chill the fires of rage that burn within me!

It is easy enough to find my next target to destroy. The stench of the un-natural calls to me from all around, but a conglomeration of that which does not belong beckons me most strongly from this direction.

I hear something. I hear something that does not occur naturally. It is a steady, hurried beat. This thrum of noise does not happen in nature! It is the sound of the un-natural! The nasty little contaminators have devices to move across the ocean. I can hear the sounds of their artificial motivators. Now I smell their polluting oils that leak into my oceans.

~huh~“Blechlk-cough-cough!”

Cresting the surface I am overwhelmed with a gagging reflex! The disgusting, toxic fumes of coal assault my lungs! They are near! Those that create that which is un-natural are in the waters, nearby!

Slowing my tail, I reach with my toe/talons for the ocean floor. There it is. Now I can stand and survey the ocean and see what filthy little abominations these ants have wrought.

Standing fully erect, high above the ocean’s surface, I can see for great distances. There, I see little specks on the horizon. Undoubtedly, these are things that do not occur in nature. These are things that should not be!

What’s this? I see little bursts of flames from the distant specks. Many little dots of fire pop from many little specks.

“Arr!”

Ow, what was that?

“Arr!”

Ow, I am being stung! Little bursts of flames mark the points of pain! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I am under attack! These are nasty little un-natural bites from the defilers! How dare they attack me! I only thought I was mad before. Now I am consumed with a rage unknowable! I feel the bellows of my lungs increasing their work load. My heart pounds with the propulsion of vengeance’s venom through my veins. I cannot restrain the the call I am impelled to release! I must proclaim my dominance in this world!

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

My deafening roar shakes air, sky, land and water. The concussive energy from the thunderous blast causes circles of waves to race out from my position. The angry outburst of my indignant lungs spread giant ripples in a sudden tsunami!

Hah! Several of the little creatures’ constructs have been upset by the waves. Only a few of the devices are still able to spit their stings at me, but they are insufficient in potency and do not slow me. I stride forward through the ocean to dispense my punishments.

“Rarr!”

What is this? I am still under attack? Tubular objects moving in the air are attacking me with their stingers! Now they are disgorging swarms of insects against me! They are as an artificial hive of moths, in their regulated appearance from the floating tubes.

“Rarr!”

Augh! Get away from me, you annoying little pests! The floating hives, hordes of moths, flutter about me in a cloud of annoyance. Oh, now I see! They are actually ants, with artificial wings! You horrid little things! I will swat you out of the air!

“Rarr!”

Ow, you horrible little creatures! Those little spears you fling at me are painful!

~PER-
KIZZZSSK!!!~

“Rarr-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!”

Ow! You little monsters! Your little embedded harpoons simultaneously delivered a blast of imitation lightning! That hurt! Here’s what I think of your petty attempt to emulate nature herself!

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

Hah! You didn’t like the blast of my roar, did you? It has knocked all of you out of the sky! Even the floating hives are now torn and tumbling out of the air.

Where was I? Oh, yes, the destruction of these horrible constructions of the nasty little ants. I can lift one of the atrocities out of the water and smash the others! Kicking the trash cans out of the water proves to be an effective form of ant obliteration. This attempt to stay me from slaking my thirst for revenge on the un-natural ones has ended in failure! This is the best the disgusting little insects can do. I shall make it to shore, and there is nothing to stop me from destroying them all.

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

~glub, glub~
“I say.”
~glub, glub~
“My word!”
~glub~
“Mr. Temperance!
~glub~
I am in need of some assistance, sir!” ~
glub, glub~

~glub~
“Yes.”
~glub~
“Ma’am.” ~
glub~
“Miss.”
~glub~
“Plumtartt.”
~glub~
“Ma’am.”
~glub~
“I knew right away when ZodGila smashed our ship into little bits, with that other ship, that a little rescue operation was in the works.”

“How very astute of you, Mr. Temperance. As to my present misfortunes, they include being lost at sea, after having the mightiest flotilla on Earth snatched from beneath my feet, leaving me struggling in the Pacific water. I believe the common denotation for the swimming stroke that I am attempting is referred to as, ‘
The Canine Crawl’
, eh, hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, but back in the States, we like to call it the
‘
Dog Paddle’
. At least your bustle is acting as a buoyant life preserver, and is keeping you afloat. It’s too bad that it is holding up the wrong end.”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance, hence my requiring assistance, eh hem?”

“You don’t want me to disrobe you, do you Miss Plumtartt! I sure wouldn’t want to do anything inappropriate, Ma’am!”

“Mr. Temperance, for Heaven’s sake! Would you rather see me drown?”
~sigh~
“Very well, my bashful beau, please help to hold me afloat while I disengage from the wretched thing.”

“I don’t know, Miss Plumtartt, on more than one occasion, your bustle has saved your...”

“Yes! Thank you, Mr. Temperance, I have now untied the clothing bundle.”

“Ooh! I got an idea! Let’s open the bustle and use the material to trap a bubble of air. We can tie a couple of knots underneath to hold it like a balloon with the air caught inside!”

“Splendid idea, Mr. Temperance. I shall assist you.”

“Thanks, Miss Plumtartt. I think that’ll do her. I hope you don’t mind that we are both so close to one another, as we desperately cling to this makeshift buoy.”

“Why, I assure you, Mr. Temperance, I do not consider our proximity an uncomfortable distance in the least. I only hate that it took this catastrophic disaster to bring it about, eh hem? Indeed, I may go so far that you may have the liberty of briskly rubbing my back to help warm me if you don’t mind, sir.”

“Oh no, I don’t mind at all! Is this helping?”

“Oh yes, that’s just the thing, sir. You may now let your efforts subside to a more calmed pace. Ah, yes, that’s it precisely, sir.”

“Are you warming up any, Miss Plumtartt?”

“Why, yes, you could say that, my mid-ocean masseur. In fact, I think that the thing I require at this time, to help spread some of that delightful warmth down to my toes, would be a tender kiss, Mr. Temperance. Merely as a warming device and a meager celebration of our having momentarily survived the super-monster wrought naval disaster.”

“Well, it you think it’ll help, Miss Plumtartt...”

“Mmmmm....”

“Ichsa-bod, where are you?”

“Hey, Jubei, he’s over here, smooching with his girl!”

“Hah, hah, hah!”

“I’m trying to keep her warm, y’all! You would think that being shipwrecked in the middle of the ocean might give a person some privacy, but this here patch of ocean is as swarming with flotation device clad Japanese sailors as fur on a groundhog.”

“Hai, I am heartened that these modern ships are well equipped with many diverse life preserving methods so to minimize the scope of this tragedy. I, Jubei Trevorgawa, have first saved my own sweet love, Rhianico, then I rescued my own sweet other love, the aqua/aero. I made contact with Naval Command, alerting them to our plight and had them dispatch ships to gather the shipwrecked crews. Since then I have searched among the thousands of floating sailors until I have found Ichsa-bod Temperansa-San, hai!”

“Hi! Thanks, Mr. Trevorgawa sir! I sure do appreciate you saving Miss Plumtartt and me!”

“There may still be something to the IndiGoGo Girls’ premonition about you, Ichsa-bod. I think it best if we keep you handy.”

“If you please, Jubei, over there, it’s Admiral Misosouwa!”

~glub~
“Harumph, thank you for pulling me out of the water. Now, let’s get ahead of this ‘ZodGila’, and mobilize our land forces!”

“Eh hem, I say, Admiral, let’s not be hasty in putting more lives at risk, yes?”

“Harumph, something must be done. Not to worry, Persephone, many of our advancements in modern weaponry are concerned with building them to propel themselves into battle autonomously. We can now send the units into battle without human accompaniment. These clockwork cannon, mounted on dual-tracked platforms will remove our valued, living, soldiers from harm’s way.”

“Well, that sounds fine and dandy, y’all, but I don’t think it’s gonna slow this ol’ boy ZodGila down worth a gerbil’s bite.”

“If you please, what else can we do, Ichsa-bod?”

“As a matter of fact, Miss Rhianico Ma’am, I got an ideer.”

---

“Harumph, do you really think this scheme will work, Temperansa-San?”

“I sure hope so, Admiral Misosouwa, because I believe I see the behemoth now, out there far at sea. I recommend opening fire on him as soon as he comes into range of your guns, sir.”

“Harumph, hai, our coastal batteries are capable of hitting their targets, even while still they are still far out at sea. Fire on that monster!”

“Hai! Attention all batteries! Open fire on ZodGila!”

“It’s working, Admiral! ZodGila is headed right for us!”

“Hai, ZodGila is cooperating with us by coming ashore precisely where we want him. His hatred for civilization is an irresistible attraction!”

“I say, have all the necessary preparations been seen to, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I have just come from where we have camouflaged our trap. It’s a good thing we had access to all that steel cable.”

“If you please, here he comes I think. Let us take shelter behind this low hill out of ZodGila’s path as he strides ashore, hai?”

“Hi! Yes, Ma’am, Miss Rhianico, Ma’am. You better get your automated mobile cannon units into action, General Hiro Hisoscari-San.”

“Hmmgh. Hai, Ichsa-bod. All units, maintain your fire on ZodGila, as you carefully maneuver back from the coast.”

“It’s working, General Hiro Hisoscari! ZodGila is heading right for our trap!”

“Hmmgh. Stand by to drop those weights! This action must be executed with utmost precision!”

“My word, ZodGila is quite the obliging chap, eh? He is moving inland exactly as Mr. Temperance had predicted, in pursuit of coal-smoke producing military hardware.”

“A little more... A little more... almost there... hah, he stepped in the covered pit! Now, General, now! Engage the trip wire!”

“Hmmgh! Drop the weights! Hai! Perfect! The falling gathered wrecking balls on those pulley equipped towers has snapped our hidden trip wire up, just as ZodGila’s other foot was stepping into a covered pit! Down goes ZodGila!”

“My goodness, Mr. Temperance, the old axiom is true, for the bigger they are, it seems, then the harder they fall, eh hem? The brute has landed on his jaw and knocked himself senseless!”

“Don’t wait a second, General! Get that super-monster subdued while you have a chance!”

“Hai! Mortar crews, move into position!”

phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!

“Hey Jubei, tell ’em to hurry up with those huge stake driving pile drivers!”

~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~ ~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~

“That’s it, General! Your hundreds of brave soldiers are running in to launch cables back and forth over the great beast. Some of these are cables that were lying there already. These will hold ZodGila’s arms and legs immobile so that he cannot thrash himself free. The pilings will be used to keep the beast secured to the ground. We’ll get this big lizard hogtied until we figure out what to do with him.”

“Good show, General. I say, ZodGila is beginning to look as if he is some sort of great mummified papoose within some sort of monstrous, steel webbing cocoon.”

“Hmmgh. Hai, now we must kill the super-monster!”

“I ain’t got that part figured out yet, General Hiro Hisoscari. His tough hide has proven itself nigh invulnerable to your most devastating attacks. I think you might do better trying to keep the prisoner under control by slipping him a Mickey.”

“I believe Mr. Temperance means to say, that you would do well to sedate our guest by means of heavy tranquilizer, eh hem?”

Harumph, hai, Persephone. See to it at once, orderly!”

“Maybe you all could build a cage for him. He could be a big tourist attraction! I betcha just loads of folks would pay good, hard-earned money for a first hand look at this fella. The proceeds could go to paying for all the damage he’s done!”

“Hmmgh. Not a bad idea, Ichsa-bod. It is so hard to get the required funding for our military branches.”

“If you please, admiral, I would add, that you really should hurry, for if I am not mistaken, the Great ZodGila’s yellowy eyes are beginning to flicker and flutter with returning consciousness, hai?”

“Holy reptile recoveries, Miss Rhianico, Ma’am, you’re right! ZodGila is waking up, y’all!”

“Dear me, Mr. Temperance, will ZodGila’s restraints hold, do you think?”

“I ain’t so sure they will, Ma’am. They seemed so strong and sturdy a moment ago, but now, with ZodGila starting to struggle, they ain’t looking nearly so unbreakable.”

“Rarr...”

“Rarr?”

“Rarrr!!!”

“Hai, watch out, Rhianico! The steel cables are snapping in all directions as ZodGila breaks free.”

~plinckety-planckety--ploink!~

~planckety-ploinkety-plinck!~

~ploinkety-plinckety, planckety-ploinkety!~

~plinckety-plankety-ploinkety-plinck!~

“If you please, Jubei, ZodGila is snapping those heavy steel cables as if they were so many long-necked, big pegged, little wooden box ukulele strings. I am compelled to convey my feelings in this impromptu haiku:”

“White flower bloom.”

“ZodGila freedom unbound.”

“Lilly put away.”

“Harumph! The monster is rising! He shakes off his woven steel shroud! Beware! He draws a great breath into his lungs to voice his rage at our actions and to proclaim his indefeatable place in the World!”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Hey there, Mr. Trevorgawa-San sir, are there any densely populated areas in that there direction ZodGila has tromped off in?”

“Hai, Ichsa-bod, there is a city. It has over a million citizens!”

“Over a million people in one city? That’s impossible, sir!”

“No, Ichsa-bod, it is true. It once had the name, Edo, but now, a new modernized Japan has given this city a new name and made it the capitol for the entire country! This sparkling and modern jewel of a city is now known as, ToeKey-Oh!”

---

“I have found a mode of transportation fast enough to get ahead of ZodGila, hai.”

“Hi! That sure is a speedy looking scooter, Jubei! It has two wheels, but I don’t see no pedals! Is that some sort of electric dynamo that motorvates this inline cart? Those two wheels are hidden away behind highly stylized deflector shields that I assume are meant to fend off splattered mud and reduce the amount of air resistance to which the vehicle may be made subject. I reckon if somebody was running after you on that thing, if you were to engage your stoppers real hard, that your pursuer would run up and stab himself on the pointy fins sticking off the back, hunh?”

“Hai, but no, Ichsa-bod. The futuristic looking fins are there to make the bike appear to go faster. This is a prototype design. Advanced electrical applications power this engineering marvel.”

“My word, it will be a tad crowded, eh hem?”

“I am sorry, Persephone, but there is only enough room for Ichsa-bod to accompany me. I feel it is imperative to keep Ichsa-bod in the fight, as the magical IndiGoGo Girls thought that he was a key to bringing the monster to a stop.”

“Oh, pooh! I say, I do not care for you going on without me, Mr. Temperance.”

“Mr. Trevorgawa-San is right, Miss Plumtartt. I need to be in there doing all I can to save ToeKey-Oh from getting ate up by that big ol’ ZodGila.”

“Hai, hurry, Ichsa-bod, get aboard! We must move with the haste of eagles!”

“My word, Jubei, wait! I insist on having just one more moment with my little hero. Come here, Mr. Temperance.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Look here sir, I understand that you feel impelled to save the World, but I need some assurance that you are coming back safely to me!”