The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (19 page)

“C’mon TiTaupKamaro! You can do it! You
are
doing it! Yes, your performance is smoother than melted chocolate.”

“Are you ready, Gumibara?”

“I’m ready like a hot biscuit is ready for butter. Let’s do it, TiTaupkamaro!”

“Hold on, brahs, I’m going to fire off my mouth.”

~
FSS
-SKUUUUUH!!!~

“Ahh! Gumibara!”

“Gotcha, Icky! Don’t want to lose you, little buddy. Just get a good grip on my tacky foot. Wow, the forceful, forward projection of TiTaupKamaro’s fiery breath is shooting us backwards faster than I could have imagined! It is a good thing that I have super-sticky powers! I must confess, it is taking all my adhesive properties to keep an upright stance on this super-sonic super-monster.”

“Dang, Gumibara, you sure do look heroic, standing on TiTaupKamaro’s shell, holding the control harness reins in your paws as you boldly backwards fly this rocket turtle into battle, sir.”

“Thanks, Icky, but this is not the time to mark out for myself. We have business to attend to!”

“Yessir! We’re in luck! Kitkara has not spotted us yet!”

“Ha, ha! We are coming in from behind: fast, too. We’ll just zoom up and land on Kitkara’s back before he even knows we are here! Then it will be too late!”

“Stand by to slow down, TiTaupKamaro. When I give the signal, cut your jets and we’ll just drop down on Kitkara before he ever even suspects we are here, just as pretty as you please.”

“A little more, . . . a little more, . . . now, Icky!”

“Now, TiTaupKamaro!”

~SKUUUH-hick!-
FWOOSH!!!~

“Augh!”
“Augh!”

“I think TiTaupKamaro hiccuped, and the resulting high octane boost blasted us ahead of our intended target!”

“Ah-roonh? A large object has suddenly flown into my flight path! Ha, ha! It’s TiTaupKamaro, tumbling, flipping, flopping and sputtering sporadically with spark and flame. Gumibara desperately clings to his filthy super-monster shell! They have one of the Earth-ants with them, too! Ha, ha! You guys are
so
ridiculous!

“Ahh! Hang on, Gumibara!”

“I’m trying, Icky! What are you doing, TiTaupKamaro?”

“What do you think I’m doing? I’m trying to get my mouth re-lit and my flippers under control! Now shut up; I’m trying to concentrate!”

“Ha, ha! I shall devour you!”

   “Hurry TiTaupKamaro!”

“A delicious, mid-flight, meal! Thank you, steward!”

  “Eek!”

~
FSS
-SKUUUUUH!!!~

~snap!snap!snap!~

“REEER-REERLL!”

“Drat, you infernal, inferno-driven reptile. You got lucky and got your main thruster re-lit, just as I snapped my mighty jaws! 

“REEER-RAWRLL!”

“Such insolence! Stand still when I decide to execute you, you uncooperative, sub-super-monster!”

“REEER-RORLL!”

“Now I’m really mad! Let’s gobble them up, good!”

“Faster, TiTaupKamaro, Kitkara’s gaining on us! Hey, Gumibara, TiTaupKamaro has gotten his flight leveled off. Do you think you can supply some control to piloting this flying, saucer-shaped, ski-board?”

“I don’t know Icky, at this speed, things are kinda sketchy. I’ll try though!”

“Well hurry, Gumibara, we’re about to get ette!”

“Hunh?”

“Eaten!”

“Oh!”

“Attaboy Gumibara! Don’t worry, TiTaupKamaro; Gumibara has gotten to his feet and is ready to help you regain control of our flight!”

“Ha! Make that I have regained control of this reptilian rocket! You just keep jetting us ahead as fast as you can, TiTaupKamaro, and leave the driving to me and Icky. I don’t see KitKara, Icks, where is he?”

“He’s coming up behind us, fast!”

“Uh, oh! Which way do I turn?”

“Hard a’port, Gumibara!”

“Hunh?”

“Left!”

“Why did you say, ’a’port’? Do you mean like ’port and starboard’? Let’s just do ’left’ and ’right’, okay?”

“Okay, just do it! Hard a’left, please!”

“Ten-Groovy, Icky! Now where is he?”

“Kitkara at eleven o’clock!”

“But it’s only eight-thirty?”

“I mean like the placement of numbers on the face of a clock!”

“Hunh? Every clock I have ever seen has been a magical, Monstrous Island, ’numerical’ clock. They are lit from within with a soft red, or sometimes green, luminescence, and glow the time to you in glowing digits like this
:
’8:30
’
.”

“I mean Kitkara is coming in from over your left shoulder!”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so?”

“Now he’s below, to the right!”

“’Kay!”

“Now he’s directly behind!”

“Eek!”

“Pull up!”

“Roight!”

“Swerve us to the right real hard”

”Groovy!”

“Hard to the left!”

”Right!”

“No, left!”

“Right, I mean, right as in I agree with you, right?”

“Right.”

“But I thought you said left?”

“Just keep going in a serpentine manner!”

“Hunh?”

“Like a snake! Up down, side to side, and any other way you can!”

“Oh, sort of like the way I dance?”

“Yes!”

“Ha, ha! Your belly rolls, loopity-loops, and corkscrew twists will avail you naughtte! You cannot escape me! I’m going to gobble you super-monsters up! Ha, ha, and your little ant, too!”

“He really is about to get us now! Get ready guys, this is it!”

“Ha, ha! My first taste of Earth flesh! How I have longed for this moment!”

~snap! snap!
SLAM!!!
~

“Unhh!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEERNK!!!”

“TuRuDan!”
“TuRuDan!”

“Just as that third cat head was gonna snap us up, TuRuDan came out of nowhere to knock Kitkara upside of all three heads at once! He had his wings tucked and came through the thin passage between us and Kitkara like a crossbow-launched, double-headed, miner’s pick-axe.”

“Hooray, TuRuDan, you titanic pterodactyl, you!”

“He ain’t through with him neither, Gumibara! TuRuDan has turned around and already sped back up to gain  momentum for another strike on Kitkara!

“EEEERNK!!!”

~THUDDE!!!~

“Ooph!”

“I’ll naughtte see this planet suffer another world-wide extinction!
EEEERNK!!!

~THUDDE!!!~

“Ooph!”

“Hey, Gumibara, remind me to never anger TuRuDan.”

“For real, though.”

“EEEERNK!

“Reeerll!”

“Yikes! Kitkara has snatched ahold of TuRuDan!”

“I can’t stand to watch, Icky! All I can see is a furious, flurried, tangled ball of wing, beak, claw, and talon.”

“Biscuits and gravy, Gumibara, TuRuDan is getting the better of Kitkara! His furious anger has granted him the advantage! Oh, now I see what that long, pointy, pterodactyl skull is for. It’s so when he has a hold on his opponent with his rear feet, as does our hero, TuRuDan, he can then employ both his pointy beak in front, and his pointy skull tip, backwards. By swinging his massive wings in counter-point to his strikes, a tremendous impetus is added to punctuate the leathery bird’s titanic pecks. Wouldn’t you say so, Gumibara?”

“Totally, Icks, TuRuDan is a true head-banger! He is as a super-powered, double-sided, woodpecker!”

~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~

~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~

~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~

“Row-wow-wow-ow!”

“Stop! I can’t stand it! You’re killing me!”

~TAT-DAT!~TAT-DAT!~TAT-
konck!

“Oh, no, Gumibara, TuRuDan is hurt! Kitkara got in a smack with his clubbed tail upside TuRuDan’s hammer-head, knocking him off and away!”

“Reerll!
You horrible old fossil! I will gobble you up!”

“Oh my goodness! TuRuDan is injured and Kitkara is hot on his tail!”

“REEER-REERLL!”

“You feeble old fool!”

“REEER-RAWRLL!”

“How
dare
you attack us!”

“REEER-RORLL!”

“Your time has finally come, you stupid old bird!”

~snap!~ ~snap!~ ~snap!~

“I’ll save you, TuRuDan!”

“Gumibara, what are you doing!? You’re steering us in a collision course with all three flying super-monsters! We’re gonna crash!”

“That’s the idea, Icky-baby!
Bonsai!”

“I think you mean,
‘B
anzai’.”

“Whatever.
RRRRAWR!!!”

“Ooph!
I have been struck!
Inconceivable!
What could have hit me? Oh it’s that stupid flying turtle again! Ha, ha! I’m glad you’re still around, TiTaupKamaro. Congratulations on keeping your jets lit, only now you are once again hopelessly out of control. I’ll hunt you down once I have slain TuRuDan. Some soft, fresh, tortoise flesh will go well after this tough old prehistoric buzzard.
By the way, where is that ridiculous excuse of a super-monster, Gumibara? I will save him for dessert!”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Here I am, Kitkara, on your back!”

“Reerll!
You filthy beast! I can’t reach you! Get your sticky paws off of me!”

“RRRRAWR!!!
I am Gumibara, the
’Inescapable One’!
Ha, ha! I have you in my sticky clutches, Kitkara; you cannot escape me!”

“You meaningless pest, I shall deal with you later. That reminds me, what happened to the ant? Did it fall?”

“Yes, but I managed to catch it, er, I mean, him. Icky is now managing to hold on pretty well on his own.”

“Yessir, Gumibara and howdy there, Kitkara. Thanks to the many layers of intricately lain dragon scales that protect you, lots and lots of easily accessible handholds are at my disposal.”

“Ugh, disgusting! As I was saying, I’ll deal with you two insignificant annoyances later. In the meantime, I shall cleanse the skies of these two Earth-born, airbourne, aberrations! That stupid turtle is helplessly out of control without Gumibara to stabilize and pilot his flightpath. I shall dine on that old vulture, TuRuDan, first. He is injured, weak , and old. It is right that he is the first to perish.”

~snap!~ ~snap!~ ~snap!~

“I shall have you, TuRuDan! You cannot escape me!”

~snap!~ ~snap!~
”Hunh?”

“Woah, what are you doing, you stupid bear? Hey, don’t do that!”

“I won’t let you hurt TuRuDan! I am going to cling to your starboard, is that right, Icky? This is the starboard wing, right?”

“Yessir.”

“Yeah! I’m going to cling to this wing to disrupt your flying! Good luck trying to pilot yourself with fifty tons of the mighty Gumibara stuck to one of your flappers! The further I shinny out on this wing, the harder it is for you to flap!”

“Augh! You stupid super-monster! You’re going to make us crash!”

“Hang on, Gumibara, here comes TuRudan!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERNK!!!”

“Ooph!”

“Wow! Thanks to your slowing down of that wing, Kitkara left himself open to a TuRuDan counter-attack! TuRuDan landed a solid head-ram shot into Kitkara’s exposed ribs! Hey, here comes TiTaupKamaro!”

~SKUUUUUH!!!~

“Ooph!”

“Golly! Your holding Kitkara’s wing allowed TiTaupKamaro to back himself into a big lick on Kitkara!”

“I will not let you defeat me! I, Kitkara, am the greatest of all time! Eerk! Super-Controller is the greatest of all time! I, Kitkara, am the envoy of Super-Controller, and therefore I cannot be defeated!
Reerll!”

“I’m going to scootch out a little further on this wing to make flight more difficult for Kitkara. How are you doing with that strange, silver, futuristic metal chest with the incomprehensible arrays of little blinking lights, attached to Kitkara’s collar, Icky?”

“Well, sir, I was able to climb along Kitkara’s scales and get to the chest. I am more convinced than ever that this silver trunk is some sort of remotely super-controllered device. This surface is completely smooth, Gumibara. I can’t find any screws to open her up. I think I’m just gonna try hammering my screw-driver into some of these blinking lights.”

~pish!~
~pish!~~pish!~

“Hmm, they smashed in and sparked a bit, but I don’t think I have really done any significant damage.”

“Well hurry up and do some real damage! It is all I can do to hang on with Kitkara trying to fling me off!”