The Rise of Emery James (36 page)

I don't beg her to leave though, not yet. Our friends are chattering around us and praising her song and her voice. I'm squeezing her hand to let her know that I'm amazed at her courage. When we sit down I keep her hand in mine, unable to break the connection between us. Hell, I've already outed us, I'm not going backwards now.

My heart continues to race and I wonder if she's feeling the same rush of emotion and adrenaline. When there's a break in the conversation I lean into her, my mouth against her ear. "I can't wait to take you home. I'm completely in awe of you right now." She turns to me, eyes shining and then places her soft, delicate hand on my cheek.

"Then take me home. You're the only one I want to be with anyway," she says simply. She doesn't have to tell me twice. I lean in and kiss her once and then stand, pulling her to her feet beside me.

"We're headed out guys," I announce.

"What? No!" Annie protests from across the table. "You can't leave now."

"Sorry. I've had enough excitement for one night," Emery says sweetly.

Kelsey stands and rounds the table to give her a hug, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. It makes Emery smile shyly. I love it when she gets that shy smile. Almost as much as I love it when she gives me the sly one she does when she wants me to do all of the things that make her blush.

She owns me. Completely. She always has, but now her hold is beyond anything I thought possible. I had no idea a person could hold you so effortlessly, so completely. Or that I would thrive from such a thing. But here I am, completely hers and praying that she's going to let me hold her just as tight.

I hold her hand on the drive home as she starts to rattle on about the night. "That was fun. I can't believe I did that. I didn't plan it at all," she says.

"What made you decide to do it?" I ask her as we drive through the quiet streets of Darling back to her house.

"It was just some kind of pull. It was like I suddenly needed to go up there. Like I needed to sing those words. It felt therapeutic," she admits.

"You sounded amazing. I've missed hearing you sing."

She smiles over at me, "I've missed it too."

We ride in silence for a bit, each of us lost in our own thoughts. There's something different about her. It's like another piece of her puzzle has clicked into place. One more jagged piece of her heart being smoothed down at the edges, allowing it to fuse back together.

We walk inside together and I don't bother asking if I can stay. I can't leave her tonight. I need to be close to her and fall asleep with her breath against my skin. I lock the door behind us and watch as she kicks her shoes off next to the stairs. It's late, but she seems to still be wired. I feel it, the charge in the air, it fills the space around us as it radiates from her.

"Let's go shower," I suggest.

She ponders the suggestion. Even with all that we've done, she still gets shy sometimes. I love it. I love that I make her nervous. I love it more when the nerves fade away and she let's go of everything. I live for her complexities.

"Good idea," she says finally and she makes her way to the stairs. I follow behind her, my eyes glued to the sway of her hips. She is fluid motion, pure grace and I'm captivated by her at all times.

I sit on the bed and take off my shoes as she strolls into the bathroom and turns on the water. Through the doorway I can see her pull her hair up off the nape of her neck and twist it into a bun on the top of her head. The steam from the water starts to fill the space around her and it's like a wet dream watching her as she slowly slips out of her clothes. She glances out at me and reaches for the shower curtain, "Coming?" she asks sweetly.

You don't have to ask me twice, I strip out of my clothes and follow her quickly. Sometimes I have the best ideas ever.

Emery

EVERYONE TELLS YOU
that healing takes time. That even the impossible becomes possible with the passage of minutes, hours, days. At the beginning they sound like empty words. Promises that people give to make it easier on them, like if they believe that you'll be better then they don't have to feel guilty when they fade away and start living their own lives again.

And I guess they are right. I mean, I am better. I feel stronger with each passing day. I'm finding myself again, learning who I am in the
after
. Honestly, I've gone a lot farther than I'd expected to go. I've put in the work and each day I feel more like the me I lost.

What they don't tell you is that on the path from impossible to possible there is a lot of confusion. It's that shaky middle ground where you're starting to feel good again, but it doesn't always fit. It's hard to put into words. Maybe it's guilt that comes in or maybe it's that fear that you're just faking the whole change. It’s just a cloud that continues to hang over you, threatening to take away the happiness that you've worked so hard to recapture.

It's where I find myself a lot of times and it's hard to share with the people around you because they are all so happy and relieved that you are finally coming out of the darkness that they don't want to know how unstable your new foundation still is. After all, they've waited a long time to have you back, to see you smile or hear you laugh. If you go backwards, you'll only disappoint them. At least that is how it feels when you are in the cloud. It's a whole new pressure. That constant worry that you won't be able to finish the journey, that you'll slide back into the doubt and the pain.

Healing isn't black and white. It's not as if you wake up one day and you are completely healed. Even in the midst of your new happiness, your new hope, the ugly can pull you down again. It's a journey and I've come to realize that it's a long one. Lucky for me, the people around me are beyond supportive. Cole, Dad. Even the girls have made me feel safe. I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for them.

When I think back about where I was that day when Cole showed up at my door and helped me unpack, I’m amazed at how far I've come. Now that same man is sleeping in my bed and planning a future with me. It brings me so much happiness that I can barely trust it. Since when do people get rewarded for making bad decisions. I've made so many mistakes, how can I deserve someone like him? How can I deserve for it to all work out?

It's a hard place to be - in this transition. The give and take, the push and pull. Past and future both at a tug of war with your heart. No one tells you about this part of the journey. Or how much it can weigh on you. Or how it can rear its ugly head and threaten to send you back to the place you've fought so hard to leave.

THE GIRLS HAVE BEEN
texting me like crazy. They are so excited to see that Cole and I are a thing and they make sure that I know that they knew all along. They demand a coffee date where I can tell them all of the details. It's one of those things that pulls me in two directions. The new me wants to gush about her new guy and how perfect he is. The old me wants to hide from the judgment that I have a new guy so soon after the death of my husband. I wonder if I will always feel this guilt. I wonder if it will always feel like I am betraying him somehow.

It's making my head feel chaotic and so I've been avoiding them. I just need a couple of days to process it all. The high from the other night has faded and now I just feel exposed and vulnerable. My roaring strength and determination to take control has faded some. Still, I'm determined to sort through it all and not let it affect my time with Cole tonight. I miss him, which is crazy because it's only been a day since I've seen him. Maybe it's the vulnerability that has me needing his closeness. He's my touchstone and while that fact scares me because it means I need him, it's his presence that calms me.

When he shows up he's in good spirits. I listen as he tells me about his day. He wasn't in the office at all today and maybe that's part of why I miss him. I've grown so used to seeing him at work, even if only for a moment.

"So, I ran I into Annie and Kelsey today," Cole says easily, a slight smirk on his face as he watches me move around the kitchen. I slide a beer towards him and watch as he pops the top.

"At the coffee shop?" I ask. The girls are always there. I've gotten to where I like the random pow wow sessions there.

"Uh huh. They were full of questions. I'm sure you've been getting them too," he says. He's amused.

"What kinds of questions? About the other night?" I ask. I already know the answer. My own messages from them are enough to know exactly what questions they were asking. I feel the unease start to creep in.

"Yeah, they wanted to know how long we had been keeping it a secret. Annie claims that she's known the truth for a long time," he laughs. It's easy for him, to handle the teasing and the questions. I try to breathe through the anxiety that is taking hold.

It only takes him a moment to realize I'm not laughing with him.

"You okay?" he asks me.

I don't want to tell him I'm worried about what people are thinking. It shouldn't matter. I shouldn't be turning my back on things I want because of what other people think. Isn't that what I've been trying to learn this whole time? But I can't help it.

But just like usual, I don't have to tell him. He already knows the dark places that my mind goes.

"They weren't judging us, Em. They were happy to see you happy. To see us happy," he says quietly.

"I know. I mean, I know they are, but what about everyone else?"

"What about them? Em, no one else matters. Don't get caught up in that."

"I'm trying, but it's hard," I admit.

"You'll get there," he says.

Will I? Every time that I think he's right something happens to bring me back and make me question my sanity completely. There are moments when I think I'm simply faking the whole thing. Maybe all of the progress is in my head. Maybe I want it so bad that I'm just going through the motions. You know, fake it ‘til you make it?

And if I'm doing that...just faking it...well, it's not fair to Cole who is so clearly all in. What if I can't go all in?

I can feel the cloud descending and even though I'm fighting hard against it, it is enveloping me quickly. I suddenly wish Cole hadn't come over. I don't want to fight this with him here. He won't understand. I just need to deal with it on my own. Find my footing again.

I feel my emotions starting to tumble away from me. It's like I'm being pulled up and away from my body simply to watch the destruction that comes with irrational fears. I breathe in to try and ground myself, but the fear is starting to overtake me. It's the fear that reminds me that I still have more healing to do.

It's discouraging to feel yourself yanked back into the self-doubt that you've worked so hard to shed. It only takes one moment, one random errant thought to bring the baggage you'd so carefully packed away to come crashing down around you again.

How many times can I pick up the pieces and pack it away again. How long until I give up and sit among it all alone?

Cole gets out of his seat and rounds the island to stand next to me. He sees the panic in my eyes. He's talked me off this ledge too many times. It's not fair to him. He deserves someone who can hold themselves together. Who isn't afraid to laugh or live. He deserves someone who will hold his hand on the street and not worry that the old church biddies will gossip about her at the grocery tomorrow.

"Stop freaking out, James. No one says we have to have a coming out party. Let's just live our lives and let it all fall into place, okay?" he says taking my hand into his, smoothing his thumb across my skin to calm me.

"What if I never get there, Cole? What if I never feel comfortable with any of it. You keep forgetting that I'm broken. I'm not the same Emery and I never will be. I can't guarantee you that the new version will ever be enough. You deserve more than that. What if I never get there?"

"Where is this coming from? The girls? Em, we've been over this over and over again. Why do you keep trying to go backwards?" he asks. I keep asking myself that same question. He's trying to be patient but I know my setbacks are frustrating. I know he wishes I could just be better so we could ride off into the sunset. But it doesn't come that easy. It never will. Have I been leading him on, letting him think that that is our future?