The Rise of Emery James (35 page)

I make my way downstairs listening closely for voices inside, but all I can hear is the laughter and commotion coming from outside by the fire. I take a deep breath before stepping out onto the back deck. I subconsciously hold my skirt down on the off chance that a gust of wind comes along and reveals my business to everyone.

Cole is standing by his friends, sipping a beer and he catches my eye as I move towards the crowd, but he doesn't wave or acknowledge me. At least not where anyone else can see. Just as I get to my seat, congratulating myself for pulling off a perfect casual return to the party Annie calls out to me with a shit eating grin on her face.

"Hey, Em -- Did you forget my beer?"

Shit. So close.

Cole

THERE HAS BEEN A
definitive shift between Emery and me. One that we aren't speaking out loud, but one that is very real. To the outside world we are friends. I'm simply the old boyfriend who is helping her settle into her new life. I'm the good guy. The good friend.

And all of that is true. That hasn't changed. But ever since that first night together it's been different. The pull is too great to bury it under good intentions. I can't hide the way I feel about her and I've stopped trying. She deserves to feel wanted. She deserves to feel loved. Completely. Unconditionally. Gabe took a lot of that away from her and I'm determined to give it back. And by some miracle she’s letting me. She’s not questioning it; she’s not pulling away. She’s letting go and letting it all in.

I've always loved Emery James. She took my heart before I even knew I had one to give. But the way I've fallen in love with Emery Forrester -it's new. It's the kind of love you never recover from. The kind you never want to be without. It’s the kind of love that changes your life. The kind of love that defines it.

And I have. . .Fallen in love with her. It's in my bones. I feel it with every breath. It doesn’t feel fast or sudden, just inevitable. Maybe because I already loved her, part of my heart already belonged to her. The new feelings just built upon a foundation that was already there. Whatever the reason, I am in deeper than ever. Probably deeper than I should be considering where she is in her life right now.

But I don’t mind waiting for her to catch up. I can wait it out and be here once the final scar heals. I'll be the balm that sooths her, the love that heals her. Because what I know is that she was meant to find her way back to me. We were meant to find our way back to each other.

I know this. But I don't mention it to Emery. I don’t think she’s ready to hear it. Even though when I have her in my arms I know she feels it. That’s enough for me right now. I’ll hold her while she works though through it all.

For now, I'm perfectly happy to live in our private world. It's nice not having to share her with everyone else. I like being her safe place, where she can simply let go and not worry about anything else. Seeing her like that, giving in to the idea of starting over is all I have wanted since she came back to town.

Our bubble is perfect and I don’t take for granted any of the obstacles that we’ve overcome to get here. Our road isn’t over – I know we’ll face things we’ll never predict, but I’m okay with it. Because I know we can face it together. For once, I know she won’t face it alone.

Emery

THE BAR IS DARK
and not nearly as busy on a Thursday, but our table is full of the usual suspects. I'm starting to realize that this group is always together. Just like they always have been. I like that they are all still close. It's nice to know that some things really do last and people don't always fade away.

"It's karaoke night?" I ask Cole as we walk in to join everyone.

"Yeah. I totally forgot. Is that okay?" he asks. I smile up at him, loving the way he takes care of me. Just knowing that he'd turn around and walk me out of here in an instant if he thought I was uncomfortable warms me all the way to my toes.

"No, it's fine," I assure him. He's grown so used to me avoiding music and singing, but I've slowly let it back in. And honestly, it feels pretty good. I'd forgotten how healing a song could be until one had snuck up on me a few days before.

I'd been feeling stronger and while I was cleaning I decided that I needed something besides quiet or the chatter of daytime TV. So, I'd plugged in my old iPod and selected a playlist from years before. It was one that I'd listened to before I'd left home and I figured there would be happy memories attached to the old songs. With everything happening between Cole and myself I kind of wanted to get lost in the memories of our past and remember how we used to be.

It was all so innocent and I found myself humming along as I worked, thinking about all of the mischief we'd gotten into as kids and how everything felt before it had all changed. It felt good to feel some of that happiness again. That kind of hope.

But reality always has a way of sneaking up on you. I hadn't expected the song that sent me to the floor. I hadn't expected the haunting words to send me to my knees in a sea of tears while I was still wearing my bright yellow cleaning gloves and holding a bottle of Lysol. But it happened anyway. The words slammed against me and I felt every single one of them like they'd been written just for me. They ripped through me, leaving me paralyzed with no escape.

But then a funny thing happened. As I listened to the lyrics and let them seep into the deepest part of my fractured soul, they started to mend me. Just a little. Even as the lyrics were breaking me apart I slowly started to realize that they were actually putting me back together.

When the song was done and I made it back to my feet I hit repeat and listened to it again. The second time I felt a little bit stronger and then by the third, the words that had cut me started to empower me. I had forgotten the power of words and melody.

I hadn't told Cole about it. I'd kept it to myself. So I think he was surprised when I was so open to staying and listening to people sing drunken songs like they were on American Idol. I give his arm a squeeze when he still looks unsure and he eventually gives in and leads me to the table.

We grab some chairs near the end and the waitress comes to take our order before we are even settled. We each order a beer and join in on the conversation as everyone flips through the books looking for a song to sing.

Currently a tipsy college boy is on stage singing a Luke Bryan song and attempting to grab the attention of the ladies by shaking his ass in Luke Bryan fashion. He's not really pulling it off, but it's amusing and I, for one, am entertained.

Annie stands up next and makes her way to the stage while the group at our table cheers her on. She does a tiny curtsy and blows us all a kiss. I can't help but smile as she does her best version of I Will Survive.

As we watch the different singers go up I start to feel a familiar tug. The pull to stand up and join them. Before I can think better of it I quietly grab one of the books and flip through the pages while everyone chatters around me. I can feel Cole's gaze, but he doesn't ask me anything. I slowly turn the sticky, beer covered pages until I find the song I was looking for. I just wanted to see if it was here. It stares back at me like an offering. A chance to take back some of the control I'd given up, a chance to make some sort of peace with my heart.

My heart starts to pound in my chest, a kick drum that sends a roaring through my ears.

"You gonna sing, Em?" Charlie asks hopefully.

"Shut it, Charlie -" Cole warns. Always my protector.

Charlie starts to apologize, but I stop him.

"I want to sing something," I say suddenly. Everyone's eyes turn to me in surprise. My nerves are mirroring their shock. But this feels right. Like it's one more step in healing. One more piece of the old Emery that I can reclaim.

"You're going to sing?" Cole asks as he leans in close to me. I shiver against the warmth of his breath against my skin. I glance up, meeting his eyes and smile at the pride and nervousness that I see there. "You don't have to do it for them. Just tell them to fuck off."

"I want to. I think it will be good for me to get back up there. At least once. See how it feels," I admit.

He lets out a breath and smiles, "Go get em, James."

"Do you know what song you want?" Annie asks excitedly as she flips through the book of song choices.

"Yeah," I say quietly. I know the song I want to sing. I take the slip of paper and write: Martina McBride - From the Ashes along with the number from the book.

This song – the one that had sent me to the floor of my kitchen kind of feels like my theme song. The lyrics are so real to me; they describe this moment of my life with perfect precision. I'm fighting with every breath to simply rise up from the pain and be better for it. To find myself and be okay with whomever that turns out to be.

When Dan calls my name it feels like someone else takes over my body and walks me to the stage. I hand him the slip of paper and take my place behind the microphone. I take a moment to take in the crowd of people gathered. Most of them are familiar, people who knew me. Or thought they knew me. I'm wondering if any of us ever did.

A quick glance at Cole shows me he's as nervous as I am, but somehow his steady gaze calms me. When he's on my side I feel like I can handle anything. I should have never given that up.

I take a deep breath, feeling the need to say something before I start. "I haven't really done much singing lately, so bear with me. I'm actually really nervous," I admit. I hear Annie let out an encouraging whoop. "I know a lot of you know my story. At least the highlights. I have to say, it's been pretty dark lately. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like there is hope on the other side. That's something I'd forgotten."

The music begins and I shut my eyes, shut out the rest of the people in this bar and feel every lyric, every note and let in every emotion --something that has always scared me. I let them wash over me. I forget everyone else in the bar. It's just me and the words and the melody and I take in the moment and I sing.

Cole

MY HEART IS RACING AS
she takes the stage. I'm more nervous than she is. She's done this a hundred times, but something about this moment feels different. Not only because she hasn't done it in so long, but because when she stood up to take the stage she was shaking. I felt her trembling and it makes me want to rush the stage and wrap her up in my arms.

But she looks so Goddamned fierce up there right now. Standing in the shadows with her eyes closed, I'm completely frozen watching her. As the music starts I lean forward wanting to be closer.

I don't recognize the song immediately, but I don't need to. The lyrics are completely haunting and so true to Emery that it feels like my heart is being ripped away from the walls of my chest. It's a physical ache and yet it feels so necessary for her to have this moment. I'm so proud of her.

She keeps her eyes closed the entire time and even as tears start to stream down her face in silent surrender she keeps going. Even as her voice cracks and her fists clench at her sides, she keeps going. And when she reaches the end and her voice cracks and I'm sure she's going to crumble right to the floor, she straightens her stance, takes a breath and opens her eyes. It's only then that I realize that my own eyes are filled with tears. I imagine that if I were to look around to those around me they would all be the same, but I can't take my eyes from her.

She's beautiful. Strong. Vulnerable. She is completely perfect.

As she steps down from the stage I stand to meet her. I don't think, my emotions are too strong to do anything but what I do next. My hands find her face and I pull her to me in a kiss. I pour out every unspoken word into that kiss. I expect her to hesitate, but she kisses me back and I forget where we are. I forget that we are surrounded by our friends in this crowded bar. I forget everything but us. So much for secrets. I love this girl and I can't go another second without everyone knowing it.

I hear the cheers erupt around us and feel Emery's smile against my lips. I pull back just enough to see her eyes. "You were amazing," I say softly.

"It felt good," she admits. I kiss her again, a soft kiss. I wonder if she can feel the pounding in my chest. I'm so in love with this girl that I can barely keep it in. I'm so proud of her that it feels like the emotions are going to burst from my chest like light from a care bear. It's intense and over the top cheesy, but I feel it in my bones and it's all I can do to hold it back so that I don't completely freak her out. Especially since I just kissed her in public.

She doesn't seem to mind though. She's smiling up at me and her eyes seem clearer than I have seen them and I swear it nearly sends me over the moon again. I want to take her out of here and back home where I can just soak up everything that is Emery and do it without the watchful eyes of anyone else. Because no one else understands this monumental moment. No one else understands what getting up on that stage meant or how far she's come to have this moment and I just want to be selfish and celebrate with her in my arms.