The Rise of Emery James (39 page)

I let that fire and determination carry me through and I hope that Principal Moore can see just how much I want it. We talk for over an hour and I leave his office feeling very hopeful. I can't wait to call Cole and tell him. I grab my phone as I start the walk back to the coffee shop where I left my car. But just as I'm about to hit send I realize that I'm not sure what to say to him. I want to tell him about my meeting, but I also want to ask him about what Aubrey said. And I'm not sure that asking is the right thing to do. I need to think it through before I start bombarding him with questions. I need to figure out what it is that I want him to say.

My mind is a mess as the focus of my interview fades and is replaced with everything I Aubrey told me. It's a pendulum between fear of him leaving and what it means if he stays. The peace of the past few weeks feels like it's about to slip through my fingers and I fight the slight panic that takes its place.

I can't stop thinking about my conversation with Aubrey. It's haunting me. I know I should just ask Cole about it, but I'm afraid he'll dismiss it. I'm not sure which answer I'm looking for. I don't want him to go. Rather, I don't want to be without him. At the same time, I know he can't stay for me and that's what is really worrying me. That he would. Or that I'd be tempted to ask him to.

It has my stomach in knots. I don't even know if I can trust Aubrey. It's obvious that she still has feelings for Cole and there is a chance that she is simply trying to cause problems. I can't just take what she says as truth.

But I do know someone who can tell me. Someone I can trust to give me the answers that I need. My dad. So I drive to the house, trying my best to find the strength to hear whatever he has to say. I refuse to hide from truths that scare me. Not anymore. If I've learned anything through this whole thing it's that you can't run from things because they have the potential to destroy you. Pretending doesn't make them go away, it just makes them harder to recover from later.

Dad is sitting in the kitchen when I arrive. It's the way I always picture him, sitting at the table, reading the paper and drinking coffee.

"It's almost seven, Daddy. You'll be up all night," I say kissing him on the cheek before sitting down.

He gives me a grunt. "It's decaf," he lies.

"Sure it is," I smile.

"I didn't know you were coming by. It's a nice surprise. I like having you around to drop in and check on me," he smiles. I feel the tug at my heart, but it's more fondness than guilt these days. Which is a nice change.

"Me too," I admit. He thumbs through the pages of his paper and slides over the section with the comics. I smile at the old tradition from when I was young. Nana loved the comics the best. I'm not sure she read anything else in the paper. Sundays were best. I'd crawl up in her lap and we'd read them all together.

"So what's on your mind, Peanut?" he asks.

"Can't I just come by and visit?" I ask, my gaze locked in on today's Family Circle.

"You can, but you have on your worried look so I'm guessing there is more to it than that."

"Did you know that Cole was offered a job in Colorado?" I ask. Might as well just rip the Band-Aid off and get the answer I came for.

Dad looks up from his paper and studies me. I try to keep my face from giving away how defining his answer is. "He told you about Colorado?" He seems surprised.

"So it's true?" I ask.

"What's going on Emery?" he asks.

I let out the breath I'd been holding. "I ran into Aubrey at the coffee shop today and she mentioned that Cole had given up some great job in Colorado to stay here and how surprised she was. He never mentioned it to me and he's so close to you I thought she was probably lying," I say slowly and even I can hear the hope in my voice.

"There is a job in Colorado. I set it up for him actually. I thought it would be good for him to get some leadership under his belt. I’ve always planned on him taking over, so I want him to be prepared. I figured he'd come back eventually."

I sit back in my chair, surprised. Anxiety begins to twist its way through my stomach. "You got him the job in Colorado?"

"Well, yeah. That boy wasn't going to leave me on his own. He's loyal to a fault," Dad says. His words slam into me with their truth. Cole is loyal. Beyond loyal. Not only to my father, but to me.

"Why hasn't he told me?" I ask.

Dad shrugs, "He told me he was going to stay."

"Did he say why?"

"Just that he has more important things here," Dad says. I feel my eyes begin to sting as I realize that everything Aubrey said was true. I'm holding him back. He's staying and putting his whole life on hold because he thinks he needs to take care of me. It's not fair.

"Do you think he should have gone?" I ask. Dad's eyes soften and I know that he sees straight through me. He doesn't want to hurt me with his answer, but I also know my dad well enough to know that he won't lie to me.

"Emmy- It's not my place to say what a man deems important. Those are Cole's choices to make. If he has something important here, then I have to agree that's it is pretty damn important." He gives me a soft smile, telling me that he knows what's going on with Cole and me. Even though I never actually told him. "Now, if you're asking me if I think it would have been a great career move then I'd tell you yes. It was a big opportunity. But like I said, it was his choice and I respect him for making it."

I sit in silence for a moment, my mind racing. "I can't let him give up something he wants just to stay here and take care of me," I say quietly.

He reaches across the table and takes my hand into his, "Emery, that boy loves you. He always has. I can't blame him for wanting to stay. Hell, as your father, it thrills me to see somebody loving you like that. The way I loved your mother. So I can't fault him for putting you first."

"I wish he had told me about it,” I say.

"He probably didn't want to worry you," Dad says.

"But I am worried. I'm worried that if he doesn't go he'll regret it. I don't want to be the cause of any of his regrets," I admit quietly.

"Emery, I don't think that boy could ever regret anything when it comes to you. Except maybe letting you go."

I want to believe him. I want to believe that he could stay here and we could just continue on like we are and not worry about what opportunities we are leaving behind. But I've been down that road before and I know how it ends and I can't do that to Cole and I can't do it to us.

As much as I hate it I know I'm going to have to talk to him about this. What's more, I'm going to have to convince him to go. I'm going to have to make him leave me.

MY HEARTBEATS SEEM
to stutter as I sit on the back deck and wait for the familiar sound of Cole's truck. It's like it knows that as soon as he leaves it will no longer want to beat. We're both preparing for the worst. The inevitable.

I should have known -- things never go the way of the fairytale. Not everything gets wrapped up in a convenient bow. No, real life is a sneaky bitch and she's always quick to shut you down.

This will be the second time I tell someone I love goodbye. The second time that Cole and I will walk away still in love. How did I survive it the first time?

The truth is I didn't survive it well. Instead, I ended up with someone who treated me badly and I lost myself in the process.

There is no easy answer.

The rumble of his engine makes my stomach flip.

I hear him come through the house behind me and I take a deep breath and move to go back inside.

"Hey, baby," he smiles as he meets me at the back door. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me soft and slow, the kind of kiss that pulls me under and makes me forget about everything except the way he makes me feel.

Only this time one single thought pierces my bliss - the heartbreaking reality that this may be our last kiss. The last time I feel his mouth against mine. The last time he makes me feel this free. Tears prick my eyes and I can't help but hold him closer, just for a moment as I try to memorize every single detail. The way his hand caresses the back of my head, the way his hard body feels pressed against mine, the way his tongue tastes like the mints he carries in his truck. Every piece of Cole that makes me love him beyond words and reason. Everything that is him.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks me as he pulls back and looks to my eyes, glassy with unshed tears.

I nod, but it's not convincing. I can't find my words just yet. I don't want to say them. I don't know how to mean them.

His brow furrows with worry and I'm certain that I'm going to mess this up. I'm going to start crying and I'm going to say all the wrong things. Do I push him away? Do I lie and tell him I don't want to be with him anymore? Or do I simply tell him the truth? Confess everything that I'm feeling, everything that worries me about him giving up this job and why I can't let him walk away from it? What's going to make him go? What's going to make him understand?

I know I have to go with the truth. It's my only option. We're past the lies. That's never been us and now more than ever I owe him honesty.

I let him take my hand and lead me back inside. He doesn't say anything, but he grabs me a bottle of water from the fridge and hands it to me. He can read me like a book and I know that he's resigned to wait until I tell him whatever is on my mind.

I stare at him as I sip my water before taking in a deep breath.

"I'm in a good place now," I say softly. He studies me, trying to figure out where I'm going with this. I can tell from his posture that he knows this is big, but he can't quite figure out what has happened to upset me. He nods, but doesn't respond.

"You've taken care of me and helped me heal a lot of the pain I was holding on to. I couldn't have done it if you hadn't been here pushing me," I admit. I've told him this countless times before. Hell, I probably sound like a broken record at this point.

"I would walk every journey beside you," he says cautiously.

I smile, watching him as he leans against the counter across from me, ready to spring into action at any point.

"I know you would. But you don't have to," I say.

This causes a deep frown to take over his strong features and he stands up straighter.

"What I mean is," I say quickly, "You don't have to try so hard to take care of me anymore. I'm stronger. I'm not going to fall apart. Not like before."

He relaxes a little. "I know that. I've always known that. Hell, you never needed me - you're stronger than you ever believed." His smile is so perfect. Everything about him is perfect.

"Maybe. But you make it easier," I admit.

"What's going on, Em? I can see you struggling with something. Talk to me."

His gentle questions sting my eyes again and this time he moves to pull me into his arms. I go freely, still lost to all of the things I want to say. My voice comes out muffled against his chest as I say, "I don't want to be the thing that holds you back. I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me."

He pulls back and looks down at me, his face softening. I know he's going to try and soothe my doubts. He's the most patient man I've ever met and he has enough faith for both of us. I wish I could believe the way he does. I try. But sometimes it's hard. I wish I could just accept that it will all fall into place and work itself out because we want it to. Because we love each other. But it doesn't work that way. Life is too messy to work out the way that it should. I know he's different. That we are different. The exact opposite of what I had with Gabe. But that doubt still creeps in. Especially when I think about what could happen if I let him give up on something important to him. The way I did.

"I'm under no obligation here. I don't feel like I have to do anything. I want to take care of you. You don't hold me back; you make me better. Why are you stressing? I love you. I'm not going anywhere," he says running his thumb across my cheek. I love the way his touch feels. The warmth of his fingers send electricity through my body. The roughness of his skin comforts me and makes me feel protected and safe. I close my eyes knowing that if he goes like he should I'll miss this feeling more than anything else. The way he sets me on fire and calms every storm. The way he overwhelms my senses and puts me at peace all in the same moment.

"Love doesn't let you walk away from your dreams. Love doesn't stop you from going after what you've always wanted. Trust me, I know better than anyone."

He pulls his hands back and gives me that confused look again.

"I know about Colorado," I say softly. I watch as a string of emotions flash across his face. Confusion. Surprise. Regret. Frustration.

"Is that what this is about?" he asks, his voice quiet.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" I ask

He takes a deep breath before answering me. "Because it wasn't a thing. I decided not to go, so it didn't really matter." He seems so sure in his answer even as I search his eyes for regret or obligation. I can’t find any.

"It's a great opportunity," I point out.