The Redemption of Callie and Kayden (30 page)

take care of back at home.”

Seth puts a cigarette in his mouth, cups his hand around the

end, and flicks the lighter. “Like what?” He drops the lighter onto

the table and leans back, taking a long drag and then letting a thin

trail of smoke escape his mouth.

“Like really important stuff,” I say with pressing eyes, hoping

he’ll catch on.

And just like the good friend that he is, he catches on. “Oh,

okay.”

Luke shoots him a harsh look as he twists off the lid on the

milk. “No way. I’m driver. Therefore I get final say.”

Kayden exhales loudly and then moves his arm away from

my shoulder. He walks up to Luke and places his hand on the

counter, standing right in front of Luke. “Look, I know why you

don’t want to go back—and I really don’t want to make you—but

there’s something I’ve been running away from that I need to

return to.”

I don’t know if Luke understands Kayden’s full meaning, but I

think he might. He nods his head with a grunt, even though he

looks annoyed. “Alright, if it’s important, then it’s important.”

“Thanks.” Kayden returns to my side. “You want to go pack

your stuff?”

I nod and then motion at Seth to come with me. He puts his

cigarette out in a leaf-shaped ashtray that’s in the center of the

table and then pushes the chair back. He gets to his feet, glancing

at Kayden as he walks by, and then he links arms with me. We walk

side by side back to the room. As soon as the door shuts, he turns

around and puts his hands on his hips.

“All right, let’s have it,” he demands. “What’s going on?”

I shake my head and bend down to pick up a pair of shorts

and one of my shirts off the floor. “I can’t tell you.”

He gapes at me with his hands out to the side. “Why?”

“Because I can’t yet.” I ball up the clothes and stuff them into

my bag, which is near the foot of the bed on the floor. “Part of it’s that I’m not ready to and part of it’s because it’s not my thing to

tell—it’s Kayden’s.”

He doesn’t press anymore. He starts packing his stuff as I

gather up my clothes. I clean up a little, stalling, knowing that as

soon as we walk out of the house, Kayden and I’ll be stepping back

into reality and all I can hope is that it’ll be nice to us.

#15 Stop torturing yourself

Callie

I’m afraid to go home and face my mother, even with Kayden

at my side. Halfway there I turn on my phone to find that I have

thirty-seven new voicemails and fifty-eight text messages. All are

from her and it’s unbelievable and yet believable at the same time.

She’s never been good at handling things that don’t fit into her

world. And rebel-runaway Callie fits about as well as lone-Goth

Callie did.

“We could get a hotel room,” Seth suggests as we pull into

town. “And keep the vacation going.”

“Or at least avoid going home,” Luke mutters, grumpily.

It’s late, the trees in the park are flashing with lively red

twinkly lights, and there’s a huge inflatable Santa at the entrance

welcoming us to town. Kayden has been really quiet the entire

drive, staring out the window, lost in his thoughts and it makes me

sad. Luke has been silent too, chain smoking the entire drive and

Seth has been equally as bad.

I glance at Kayden, wondering what he thinks of the hotel

idea, but all he does is stare out the window. “I feel like if I go to hotel then I’m running away from my problems,” I say. “I should

probably go home and face the wrath of my mom.”

“Why?” Seth asks, surprising me. I gape at him as smoke

snakes from his lips and he takes out the cigarette and sticks his

hand out the window, scattering ash into the street as he grazes

his thumb across the end. “Callie, I hate to say this”—his brown

eyes flick to Luke, then to Kayden, before he leans in and

whispers—“but until you can tell your mom, and you-know-who

will officially no longer be showing up at your house, it might be

good for you to stay away from there. Stop torturing yourself.”

I press my lips together as he leans back. “I’m don’t torture

myself,” I mumble.

“You don’t?” Seth flicks his cigarette out the window and

then rolls it up. Luke’s truck is really old and doesn’t have

automatic windows so Seth’s arm fights against the tension in the

handle.

Kayden glances at me with a frown on his face. “Seth’s right,”

he agrees quietly.

I think about all the times I spent wishing I could just shrink

into a ball, maybe become invisible, maybe disappear altogether.

But if I could have just broken Caleb’s hold over me, maybe I

would have escaped from the tortuous years I spent locked away,

living inside myself. Could I do it? Just free myself? Do I have that kind of power? I really don’t have to go back unless I want to. I can go back when I’m ready to confess. “All right, let’s get a hotel

room.” It’s such a simple conclusion, yet it took me forever to get

to it.

I don’t have to go back home until I’m ready. I have choices,

power, freedom. I can sever the ties with the things that hurt me.

You can do this. I can do anything if I want to. I just have to choose to do it. Suddenly, I can breathe freely again. I’m smiling and Seth

and Luke are looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

Kayden glances at me, a forced grin at his lips. “Sounds

good.”

I offer him a smile, wondering why he’s acting so upset.

Everything had been okay when we left the beach house, at least I

thought so. I lean into him and whisper, “Are you okay?”

He nods, giving me a puzzled look. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I

be?”

“I don’t know,” I say, eyeing the sadness in his eyes. “You

look sad.”

“Well, I’m not. I promise.” He returns his attention to the

window and my heart sinks in my chest, knowing there’s

something he’s not telling me. But I don’t want to press him in

front of Luke and Seth, so I keep quiet.

Ten minutes later we’re checked into a motel room with two

queen-size beds, a retro décor, and air smelling of mildew. Seth

and Luke start arguing about the sleeping arrangement and I take

the opportunity to talk to Kayden about what’s bothering him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, sinking down on the bed

beside him.

He nods, fiddling with the remote, even though the

television isn’t on. “Yeah, I’m fine. I already told you that.”

“But you’ve been so quiet,” I say. “You’ve barely said a word

since we left California.”

“I’m just tired.” He drops the remote down on the nightstand

and stares out the window. He does look really exhausted, but I

don’t think that’s the real reason. Like he senses my doubts, he

places his hand on my knee and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Callie,

stop worrying. I’m okay.”

“Okay,” I say quietly and then get up from the bed to use the

restroom. I lock the door and sit down on the edge of the bathtub.

I don’t really have to use the bathroom; I just needed to gather

myself. The urge to make myself throw up is rising inside me and I

really want to give into it, because it’s been a while and I’m really stressed out about Kayden and about telling my mom. I start

bouncing my knees as I breathe through my nose and count to

ten, reminding myself that I’m strong. That I can live life without

making myself purge.

It takes me a while, but about ten minutes later, I calm down

and walk out of the bathroom, surprised to find Luke on one bed

and Seth on the other watching television and Kayden is nowhere

to be seen.

“Where’d Kayden go?” I ask, walking between the two beds.

They both look up at me, blinking their eyes, and then they

gaze around the room. Seth sits up with his brows furrowed. “Huh?

I didn’t hear him leave.”

Luke yawns. “He went to get his bag out of the back of the

truck,” he tells me. “But he’s been out there for a few minutes.”

Panic surges through me as I round the foot of the bed and

draw back the curtain. The neon VACANT sign lights up the

parking lot where the truck is parked down below, snow falling on

the hood and roof. I can’t see Kayden anywhere, but I tell myself

he has to be coming up the stairs, which are out of my view.

Slipping on my shoes, I run out the door.

“Callie, what the hell?” I hear Seth call out as I leave the door

wide open. I don’t turn back, racing to the bottom of the stairway

and out into the parking lot. When I reach Luke’s truck, Kayden

isn’t there. I search the parking lot and even walk over to the

lobby, wondering if maybe he went to raid the vending machines,

but I can’t find him anywhere. My mind is racing with a thousand

thoughts of what’s going on. Where would he go? Why would he

leave? Why did he look so sad?

By the time I’m headed back to the stairway, Seth and Luke

are walking down it. I’m about in tears, frozen without a jacket on.

“He’s gone,” I sputter.

They meet me at the bottom of the steps and Luke’s

forehead creases as he stares at his truck. “What do you mean he’s

gone?”

“I searched everywhere.” I wrap my arms around myself,

shivering from the cold and my nerves. “I can’t find him.”

Seth’s arms encircle me. “I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he just

went for a walk.”

“It’s almost ten thirty at night and freezing,” I say. “There’s

nowhere to walk to.”

“Maybe he walked to a gas station to get something to eat.”

Even he sounds like he doesn’t believe it. “I thought I saw one a

few roads up.”

“Hang on a second,” Luke says as he removes his phone

from his back pocket. “I’ll call him and see if I can get him to

answer and see what’s up.” He dials the number, puts the phone

up to his ear, and wanders away toward his truck, leaving

footprints in the snow.

Seth hugs me as I watch Luke kick at the snow with one arm

resting across his stomach. He keeps walking and walking farther

away from the motel. My legs grow weak and finally I have to sit

down on the stairs.

Seth sits with me. “I’m sure everything’s okay.”

I shake my head. “He seemed so upset the whole drive. I

think something was really bothering him.” I pull my knees to my

chest and rest my chin on top of them. What if he’s going to do

something… something hurtful to himself?

I slide my phone out of my pocket and try to call him myself.

The phone rings four times and then goes to his voicemail. I hang

up and send him a text.

Me: Hey, where r u… I’m worried. You just took off.

I wait, but there’s no response. I suck back the tears

frantically wanting to escape, wishing I could curl into a ball and

cry myself to sleep. I hurt everywhere. And I’m afraid. Not for

myself but for Kayden and what he’s doing. I can’t get the picture

of him trying to cut himself out of my head. What if he ends up

hurting himself really badly?

Finally, Luke heads back toward us with a puzzled look on his

face. Right before he reaches us, my phone beeps.

Kayden: I’m ok.

He’s okay?

Me: Where R U?

“I got ahold of him,” Luke says as my phone beeps again. “He

said to tell you that he’s okay, but that there’s something he needs

to take care of.”

I glance down at the screen, trying to hold the phone steady

in my shaking hand.

Kayden: There’s someone I need to talk to and it can’t

wait… with my therapist… Look, I’ll explain everything later.

I’ll come back and then we’ll talk. And Callie, I promise I’m OK.

I don’t understand. My hands tremble as I type.

Callie: I thought I was going to go with you… and it’s

late. The office isn’t even open.

When he doesn’t respond, I don’t know what to think. Is he

really seeing him? Or is he lying?

I stand up, brushing the snow off the back of my jeans. “We

should go look for him.”

Luke shakes his head, squeezing by us and heading up the

stairs. “Callie, I’m sure he’s okay… and he’ll said he be back soon so I think we should just wait here for him.”

I glance at Seth, wondering what I should do. Sighing, he

swings his arm around me and leads me up the stairs. “I’m sure

he’s fine,” he says quietly.

I clutch onto him, hoping with everything I have that he’s

right.

Kayden

I am obsessed about telling the truth and finally having my

secrets out in the open the entire drive home. The longer I thought

about it, the more anxious I got until I felt like I was going to burst.

I’d spent my whole life holding my emotions and secrets in and

suddenly I needed to get them all out. Now.

Even though it was late, I knew if I lay down on that bed,

closed my eyes, and went to sleep, my mind would probably

change by morning. It was just one of those things where if I’d sat

on it, I’d talk myself out of it. So as soon as Callie went into the

bathroom, I slipped out of the room, muttering something about

getting my suitcase out of the back of the truck.

I knew she’d be upset that I took off without saying anything,

but I had to do it; otherwise she’d look at me with those sad puppy