The Portable Roman Reader (Portable Library) (14 page)

ANTIPHO: By Hercules, I’ve heard the same too.

GETA: I’ll give you farther reasons to believe it: in the meanwhile your uncle goes out; and not long after he returns with your father and goes in with him; and they both said you’re at liberty to keep your wife: at last I was sent to find you and bring you thither.

ANTIPHO: Carry me to them immediately: why d‘y’ loiter?

GETA: I’ll go with you.

ANTIPHO: Adieu, my Phormio.

PHORMIO: Antipho, adieu: ‘tis very lucky, as I hope for happiness.

(
Antipho and Geta go
)

(
Phormio
)

PHORMIO: I’m rejoiced at the good fortune that has happened to them so unexpectedly. Here’s a fine occasion offered to me now to chouse the old men, and to rid Phædria of the care that he’s under for money, that he mayn’t lay himself under an obligation to any of his friends for it; for this same money, however ‘tis given, will be given with an ill will to him: I have found out a way how I shall surely get it. I must now put on a new face, and a new behavior: but I’ll retire into the next alley; and when they come out, I’ll shew myself to ’em. I shall not go to the fair as I pretended I should.

(
Demipho, Phormio, and Chremes
)

DEMIPHO (
to Chremes, not seeingPhormio
): The Gods deserve my thanks, and they have ‘em, since these things have proved so fortunate to us, brother. Let us find Phormio as soon as we can, that we may get our ninety pieces from him before he has consumed ’em.

PHORMIO (
to himself, pretending not to see them
): I’ll go and see if Demipho’s at home, that I may—

DEMIPHO: We were coming to you, Phormio.

PHORMIO: On this same affair perhaps.

DEMIPHO: On the very same, by Hercules.

PHORMIO: So I thought: but why did you give yourselves the trouble? What a jest that is! Are ye afraid that I should not be so good as my word? Notwithstanding I’m so very poor, I have hitherto taken care of one thing, I’ve preserved my credit.

CHREMES (
to Demipho
): Isn’t she a genteel girl?

DEMIPHO: Indeed she is.

PHORMIO: Therefore I was coming to ye, Demipho, to tell ye I’m ready: I’ll marry her when ye will; for I’ve laid aside all other business, as I ought, since I saw ye were so earnest for my having her.

DEMIPHO: But my brother here has advised me not to let you have her: “For what will the people say, if you should do so,” says he? “When you could have disposed of her before with honor, then you neglected it; it would be base now to make a widow of her, and turn her out.” He made all the same objections which you did to me before.

PHORMIO: You insult me at your pleasure.

DEMIPHO: How so?

PHORMIO: Is that a question? Because I can’t marry the other now; for with what face can I go back to her that I’ve cast off?

CHREMES (
aside to Demipho
): Besides, I see that Antipho’s unwilling to part with her, say.

DEMIPHO: Besides I see that my son is unwilling to part with her: therefore go to the market, Phormio, and order that money to be paid me back.

PHORMIO: How can that be, when I’ve paid it to my creditors?

DEMIPHO (
aside to Chremes
): What’s to be done now?

PHORMIO: If you’ll give me the wife you promised, I’ll marry her; but if you’d rather keep her to yourselves, let me keep the portion, Demipho; for ‘tis unjust that I should be disappointed on your account, when for your honor I broke off from the other, who had as good a portion.

DEMIPHO: Go and be hanged, you blust‘ring vagabond; d’y’ think now we don’t know you or your pranks?

PHORMIO: This is provoking.

DEMIPHO: Would you marry her, if you might?

PHORMIO: Try me.

DEMIPHO: Your scheme then was that my son should have her at your house.

PHORMIO: What’s that you say, pray?

DEMIPHO: Give me back the money.

PHORMIO: Do you give me my wife.

DEMIPHO: Come before a judge.

PHORMIO: Before a judge? Really if you continue being so troublesome—

DEMIPHO: What will you do?

PHORMIO: Do? Perhaps ye think that I’ve only beggars under my protection, but you’ll find I’ve others.

CHREMES: What’s that to us?

PHORMIO: Nothing: but I know a certain gentlewoman here, whose husband had—

CHREMES (
aside
): Ah!

DEMIPHO (
aside to Chremes
): What’s the matter?

PHORMIO:—another wife at Lemnos—

CHREMES (
aside
): I’m a dead man.

PHORMIO:—by whom he had a daughter; which he brings up privately.

CHREMES (
aside
): I’m buried.

PHORMIO: I’ll go this instant and tell the gentlewoman this.

CHREMES: Pray don’t.

PHORMIO: Why, was you the man?

DEMIPHO: What a jest he makes of us!

CHREMES: We’ll let you go.

PHORMIO: That’s all pretence.

CHREMES: What would you have? We give you leave to keep the money that you have.

PHORMIO: I hear you: but why do ye trifle thus shamefully with me, with your foolish childish speeches? I won‘t, I will, I will, I won’t again, take it, give it back; said, and unsaid; a bargain and no bargain.

CHREMES (
to Demipho
): How or where did he come to the knowledge of this?

DEMIPHO (
to Chremes
): I can’t tell; but I’m sure I told nobody of it.

CHREMES (
aside to Demipho
): As I hoped to be saved, ‘tis next to a miracle.

PHORMIO (
to himself
): I’ve graveled them.

DEMIPHO (
aside to Chremes
): Zooks, shall he carry off such a sum from us, and laugh at us so openly too? By Hercules I’d sooner lose my life: bear up, man, with courage. You see that this slip of thine is no secret abroad, therefore it can’t be long concealed from your wife: now ‘tis better for ourselves to tell her what she’ll soon hear from other persons, we shall more easily make our peace if we do: then we may revenge ourselves at our pleasure on this villain.

PHORMIO (
to himself
): Body o’ me! If I don’t look out sharp, I shall be filed, they make towards me with such terrible looks.

CHREMES (
aside to Demipho
): But I’m afraid she will not be easily reconciled.

DEMIPHO (
aside to Chremes
): Have a good heart: I’ll bring you into favor again, depend upon it, Chremes, since she’s dead by whom you had this daughter.

PHORMIO (
to both
): Do ye deal thus with me? Ye set upon me very cunningly. (
To Demipho
) By Hercules, Demipho, you don’t consult his good in provoking me. (
To Chremes
) Do you think, when you’ve been following your pleasures abroad, without paying any regard to this worthy gentlewoman here, but offering a strange indignity to her, to come now and wash away your offence by entreatys? I’ll so fire her for you by a relation of these pranks, that you shan’t be able to quench her, though you melt into tears.

DEMIPHO: May all the Gods and Goddesses confound him: that any man should be possessed of so much impudence! Don’t this villain deserve to be transported by the public into some desert?

CHREMES: He has reduced me to such a situation, that I don’t know what to do with him.

DEMIPHO: I know; let us go before a judge.

PHORMIO: Before a judge? Yes, in here, if you will.

DEMIPHO: Follow him, and hold him, till I call the servants hither.

CHREMES: I can’t alone; come and help me.

PHORMIO (
to Demipho
): I’ve an action against you.

CHREMES: Do your worst then.

PHORMIO: And another against you, Chremes.

DEMIPHO (
to theservants
): Away with him.

PHORMIO: Are ye at that sport? Then I must use my voice: Nausistrata, come hither.

CHREMES (
to the servants
): Stop his mouth.

DEMIPHO: See how strong the villain is.

PHORMIO: Nausistrata, I say.

CHREMES: Won’t you hold your tongue?

PHORMIO: Hold my tongue?

DEMIPHO: If he won’t follow, punch your fist in his belly.

PHORMIO: If you tear my eyes out, I shall find a time to be sufficiently revenged on ye.

(
Nausistrata, Chremes, Phormio, and Demipho
)

NAUSISTRATA: Who calls me?

CHREMES (
aside
): Ah!

NAUSISTRATA: Pray, husband, what’s this disturbance here?

PHORMIO (
to Chremes
): Ah! what, are you thunder-struck now?

NAUSISTRATA (
to Chremes
): Who is this fellow? Don’t you answer me?

PHORMIO: How should he answer you, who don’t know where himself is?

CHREMES (
to Nausistrata
): Take care how you believe him.

PHORMIO: Go and feel him, if he is not all over in a cold fit, kill me.

CHREMES: That’s nothing.

NAUSISTRATA: Then let me know what it is he has to say?

PHORMIO: That you shall; do but hear me.

CHREMES: Do you resolve to believe him?.

NAUSISTRATA: How should I believe one that has said nothing?

PHORMIO: Fear has took the poor man’s senses away.

NAUSISTRATA (
to Chremes
): By Pollux, you are not thus fearful for nothing?

CHREMES: I fearful?

PHORMIO: Very well truly; since you’re afraid of nothing, and what I have to say signifys nothing, do you tell it.

DEMIPHO: Must he tell at your bidding, rascal?

PHORMIO: Well said, you do well to stand up for your brother.

NAUSISTRATA: Won’t you tell me, husband?

CHREMES: Why—

NAUSISTRATA: What—why?

CHREMES: ‘Tis of no consequence to tell you.

PHORMIO (
to Chremes
): You think so; but ‘tis of great consequence to this lady. (
To Nausistrata
) In Lemnos—

CHREMES: Ah? What are you about?

DEMIPHO: Will you not hold your tongue?

PHORMIO (
to Nausistrata
): Unknown to you—CHREMES (
aside
): I’m ruined!

PHORMIO:—he married another woman.

NAUSISTRATA: Husband, Heaven forbid.

PHORMIO: ‘Tis even so.

NAUSISTRATA: What an unhappy undone woman am I!

PHORMIO: And he had a daughter by her, while you dreamed nothing of it.

CHREMES (
to Demipho
): What must we do now?

NAUSISTRATA: Immortal Gods, what an unworthy and injurious act is this!

DEMIPHO: ‘Tis done and can’t be recalled.

NAUSISTRATA: Was there ever so unworthy an act? When they come to their wives, then they are old. Demipho, I apply myself to you, for it’s irksome to me to speak to him: were these his frequent journies, and long continuance at Lemnos? Was this the cheapness of provisions that lowered our rents?

DEMIPHO: Nausistrata, I don’t deny that he deserves blame in this affair, but ‘tis such as may be pardon’d—

PHORMIO (
aside
): She’s deaf to what he says.

DEMIPHO:—for it was not through any neglect or hatred of you he did it; but, being in liquor about fifteen years since, he happened to have an intrigue with the woman by whom he had this daughter; and he never touched her afterwards; she’s dead now; the objection in this affair is now removed: therefore, pray, exert your usual good nature, and bear it patiently.

NAUSISTRATA: What should I bear patiently? I wish I was rid of this troublesome affair; but what can I hope? Have I any reason to think age will make him better? He was old enough then, if age would have preserved his modesty: have my years and beauty more temptations in ‘em now than before, Demipho? What can you advance to make me expect or hope that ’twill be no more so?

PHORMIO: They who have a mind to be at Chremes’s funeral come now, now is the time; I’ll give it him home: come on now, and provoke Phormio who dares; he shall meet with the same fate. He may get into favor again; I’ve had revenge enough; she has something to ring in his ear as long as he lives.

NAUSISTRATA: Can I believe that I’ve deserved such usage? Why, Demipho, should I repeat how faithful I have been to him in every particular?

DEMIPHO: I know all that as well as yourself.

NAUSISTRATA: Do you think I’ve deserved this?

DEMIPHO: Nobody less; but, since your reproaches can’t undo what is done, forgive him: he asks your pardon, acknowledges his fault, and excuses himself; what would you have more?

PHORMIO (
aside
): But before she pronounces his pardon, I must take care of myself and Phædria. (
To Nausistrata
) Hark y‘, Nausistrata, hear me before you answer him without consideration.

NAUSISTRATA: What have you to say?

PHORMIO: I chous’d him of ninety pieces by a stratagem; which I gave to your son; which he gave to the bawd for his mistress.

CHREMES: Ah! what’s that you say?

NAUSISTRATA: Do you think it such a crime, that your son, who is a young man, should have one mistress, while you have two wives? Aren’t you ashamed? With what face can you reprove him? answer me.

DEMIPHO: He’ll do what you will.

NAUSISTRATA: Well, that you may know my resolution now, I’ll neither forgive, nor promise anything, nor answer, till I see my son; I’ll be determined by his judgement; I’ll do what he desires.

PHORMIO: You are a woman of judgement, Nausistrata.

NAUSISTRATA: Do you approve of it?

PHORMIO: Yes indeed, I’m come well off, and beyond my expectation.

NAUSISTRATA: Tell me your name.

PHORMIO: My name? Phormio, a friend to your family, but more especially to Phædria.