The Portable Roman Reader (Portable Library) (13 page)

CHREMES: Look this way.

SOPHRONA (
aloud
) : Good Gods, is not this Stilpho?

CHREMES: No.

SOPHRONA: Do you deny your name?

CHREMES: Pray come a little this way from that door, Sophrona: and don’t call me by that name any more.

SOPHRONA: How? Are not you the person you always said you was?

CHREMES: St.

SOPHRONA: Why are you afraid of this door?

CHREMES: I have a shrew of a wife shut up here: therefore I gave myself that wrong name formerly, lest any of ye should unadvisedly blab out my right name, and be the occasion of my wife’s knowing the affair.

SOPHRONA: That’s the reason we poor wretches could never find you out here.

CHREMES: Hark y‘, tell me what business you have with that family from whence you came now? And where are your mistresses?

SOPHRONA: Alas! alas!

CHREMES: Ah, What’s the matter? Are they alive?

SOPHRONA: Your daughter is: but her poor mother died with grief.

CHREME: O! sad!

SOPHRONA: I, who am a forsaken, poor, ignorant, old woman, did all I could to marry your daughter to the young gentleman of this house.

CHREMES: To whom? To Antipho?

SOPHRONA: To the very same I assure you.

CHREMES: What? Has he two wives?

SOPHRONA: No, I beseech you; he has none but her.

CHREMES: What’s the other that they said was his kinswoman?

SOPHRONA: This is she.

CHREMES: What say you?

SOPHRONA: ‘Twas done with a design, that, as he was in love with her, he might marry her without a portion.

CHREMES: Good Gods, how things often happen accidentally which we have not courage to wish for! I have found, upon my arrival, my daughter married to the person I would have had her married to, and all as I could have wished: what we both took the greatest pains to bring about, this old woman has alone accomplished by her own great care, without any help from us.

SOPHRONA: Consider now what is necessary to be done: here comes the young gentleman’s father; and they say he’s very angry at this marriage.

CHREMES: There’s no danger: but in the names of Heaven and Earth, don’t let any one know she’s mine.

SOPHRONA: Nobody shall know from me.

CHREMES: Follow me: you shall hear the rest within.

(
They go
)

(
Demipho and Geta
)

DEMIPHO: ‘Tis our own fault that people get by being dishonest, while we study to be thought over punctual and generous: never run into extremes, as the saying is: was it not enough to bear his imposition, but we must give him more than was expected, to put it in his power to support himself, till he can contrive some other mischief?

GETA: You’re very right.

DEMIPHO: They are rewarded now, who turn right into wrong.

GETA: ‘Tis too true.

DEMIPHO: How foolishly we managed the affair with him!

GETA: If he performs his agreement, and marries her, ‘tis well enough.

DEMIPHO: Is that to be doubted?

GETA: Considering what sort of a man he is, I don’t know, by Hercules, but he may change his mind.

DEMIPHO: How! change his mind?

GETA: I don’t know; but, if it should be so, I say.

DEMIPHO: I’ll follow my brother’s advice; I’ll bring his wife hither to talk with her: go you, Geta, and give her notice of her coming. (
Demipho goes
.)

(
Geta
)

GETA: The money’s procured for Phædria; and no words are made about it: and care’s taken that she mayn’t stir from hence at present: what more now? What’s to be done? You’re as deep in the mire as before, you’ll pay all with interest, Geta, you only put off a beating to another day, you’ll have the more lashes, if you don’t look about you: now I’ll go home, and instruct Phanium, that she mayn’t be afraid of marrying Phormio, nor frighted of what Nausistrata will say to her. (
He goes
)

(
Demipho and Nausistrata
)

DEMIPHO: Come, Nausistrata, use some of your art now; and manage her so that she may do as we would have her, and at the same time let it be with her own consent.

NAUSISTRATA: I’ll do my best.

DEMIPHO: Assist me now with your labour, as you’ve done before with your money.

NAUSISTRATA: ‘Tis in my inclination; but ’tis less in my power than it ought to be, through my husband’s mismanagement.

DEMIPHO: How so?

NAUSISTRATA: Because the estate which came by my father is very ill looked after; he made two talents a year with ease of those farms: ah! what a difference there is betwixt man and man!

DEMIPHO: Two talents, say you?

NAUSISTRATA: Yes, two talents, and in much worse seasons.

DEMIPHO: Indeed!

NAUSISTRATA: What, does this seem strange?

DEMIPHO: Yes, truly.

NAUSISTRATA: I wish I’d been born a man, I’d show him—

DEMIPHO: That you would.

NAUSISTRATA:—how—

DEMIPHO: Don’t heat yourself, that you may be able to engage the young woman, and she mayn’t run you down.

NAUSISTRATA: I’ll do as you direct me: but my husband, I see, is coming from your house.

(
Chremes, Demipho,and Nausistrata
)

CHREMES: O! Demipho, has he had the money yet?

DEMIPHO: I paid it him directly.

CHREMES (to
Demipho
): I wish you had not. (
Aside
) Ah! here’s my wife: I’d almost blabbed too much.

DEMIPHO: Why d‘y’ wish I had not, Chremes?

CHREMES: ‘Tis very well.

DEMIPHO: What have you done? Have you told her the occasion of your wife’s coming to her?

CHREMES: I went through it.

DEMIPHO: What says she to it?

CHREMES: She can’t go.

DEMIPHO: How can’t?

CHREMES: Because their affection is mutual.

DEMIPHO: What have we to do with that?

CHREMES: A great deal: besides, I’ve discovered her to be related to us.

DEMIPHO: What, are you mad?

CHREMES: So it is; I don’t speak without foundation; I have recollected myself.

DEMIPHO: Are you in your senses?

NAUSISTRATA: Ah! pray see you don’t injure a kinswoman.

DEMIPHO: She’s no kinswoman.

CHREMES: Don’t deny her; her father went by another name, ‘tis that breeds this mistake in you.

DEMIPHO: Did not she know her father?

CHREMES: Yes, yes.

DEMIPHO: Why did he go by another name?

CHREMES (
aside to Demipho
): Will you never yield to what I say, nor understand me?

DEMIPHO: I don’t know what you talk of; how should I understand you?

CHREMES (
aside to Demipho
): You ruin all.

NAUSISTRATA: I wonder what’s the meaning of all this.

DEMIPHO: By Hercules, I don’t know.

CHREMES: Shall I tell you? As I hope to be saved, she has not a nearer relation in the world than you and I are.

DEMIPHO: Good Gods! Let us all go together to her; I’ll know whether ‘tis so or not.

CHREMES: Ah!

DEMIPHO: What’s the matter?

CHREMES: Is my credit so little with you?

DEMIPHO: Would you have me take what you’ve said for granted? Would you have me seek no farther into it? Well, be it so: but consider, what’s to be done with our friend’s daughter?

CHREMES: She’ll do very well.

DEMIPHO: Must we dismiss her at last?

CHREMES: Why not?

DEMIPHO: And let her stay that is here?

CHREMES: Yes.

DEMIPHO: Then you may go home again, Nausistrata.

NAUSISTRATA: By Pollux, I think your last resolution best, that she should stay here; for she seemed, when I saw her, to be very much of a gentlewoman.

(
Nausistrata goes
)

(
Demipho and Chremes
)

DEMIPHO: What is this business?

CHREMES: Has she shut the door yet?

DEMIPHO: Yes.

CHREMES: O! Jupiter! the Gods are certainly our friends; ‘tis my daughter, I find, that is married to your son.

DEMIPHO: Ah! how came that to pass?

CHREMES: ‘Tis not safe to tell you here.

DEMIPHO: Go in then.

CHREMES: Hark y‘, I would not have our sons know of this. (
They go
.)

(
Antipho
)

ANTIPHO: I am glad, however my own affairs go, that my brother’s succeed to his desire. How prudent it is for a man to entertain such appetites as he may easily satisfy when things run cross! As soon as he received the money, he rid himself of his care; but I can find no remedy to my troubles; for if this business continues a secret, I shall be in fear, and, if ‘tis discovered, I shall be disgraced: and I should have no heart to go home now, unless I’d some hope of keeping her: but where can I find Geta, that I may consult him about a proper time to meet my father?

(
Phormio and Antipho
)

PHORMIO (
to himself
): I’ve received the money, given it to the bawd, brought away the woman, and put Phædria in possession of her; for she’s no longer a slave: now one thing still remains, which I must bring about, that is to get leave of the old men to go and tipple a little; for I’m resolved to enjoy myself these few days.

ANTIPHO (
to himself
): But here’s Phormio.—Well, what say you?

PHORMIO: Of what?

ANTIPHO: What’s Phædria about now? How does he propose to have his fill of love?

PHORMIO: He’s going, in his turn, to act your part.

ANTIPHO: What part?

PHORMIO: To avoid his father: he entreats you again to appear for him, and plead his cause; for he’s going to take a glass at my house. I’ll tell the old men that I’m going to Sunium to the fair, to buy a girl that Geta spoke of a little while ago, lest, when they miss me here, they should believe that I’m consuming their money: but your door creaks.

ANTIPHO: See who’s coming out.

PHORMIO: ‘Tis Geta.

(
Geta
,
Antipho, and Phormio
)

GETA (
to himself, not seeingthem
): O! fortune! O! propitious fortune, what unexpected favors have you this day heap’d on my Master Antipho!

ANTIPHO (
to Phormio
): What is he talking of to himself?

GETA (
to himself
): And how have you freed us his friends from fear! But this is no time to loiter, I should throw my cloak cross my shoulder, and run to find him, that I may tell him what has happened.

ANTIPHO (
to Phormio
): Do you understand what he says?

PHORMIO: Do you?

ANTIPHO: Not a word.

PHORMIO: Nor I.

GETA (
to himself
): I’ll go directly to the bawd’s; they are there now.

ANTIPHO: Soho, Geta.

GETA (
hearing, but not seeing him
): See there! Is there anything wonderful or new in being called back, when a man’s going forwards?

ANTIPHO: Geta.

GETA: Again? By Hercules, you may bawl as long as you will, but you shall never bring me back.

ANTIPHO: Won’t you stay?

GETA: Go on and be drubbed.

ANTIPHO: That’s what you shall be soon, if you don’t stay, you Bridewell-cur.

GETA (
aside
): This should be one that’s very well acquainted with me, he is so free with his threats: but is it he that I’m in search of, or not?—The very man.

PHORMIO (
to Antipho
): Go up to him immediately.

ANTIPHO (
to Geta
): Well, how go our affairs?

GETA: O! ‘tis impossible there can be a more fortunate man living than yourself, for, without dispute, you’re the only favorite of Heaven, Antipho.

ANTIPHO: I should be glad of that; but I wish you would give me some reason to believe it.

GETA: Is it not sufficient if I plunge you all over in joy?

ANTIPHO: You kill me.

PHORMIO: Don’t keep us in suspence, but out with what you have to tell.

GETA: Oh! are you here too, Phormio?

PHORMIO: Yes; but why are you so tedious?

GETA (
to Phormio
): Well, I’ll tell you. As soon as we gave you the money at the marketplace, we went directly home; (
to Antipho
)
—
then my master sends me to your wife.

ANTIPHO: For what?

GETA: I’ll omit that; because it signifys nothing to this affair, Antipho. As I was going to her apartment, her boy Mida runs to me; he takes hold on my cloak behind, and pulls me back; I turn my head, and ask him why he stops me; there are orders, says he, that nobody should go in to my mistress; Sophrona, continues he, carried our old gentleman’s brother, Chremes, in just now, and he’s with ‘em there at this time; as soon as I heard this, I crept on tiptoes softly to the door; I went to it, and there I stood; I held my breath, put my ear close to the door, and fixed myself in this manner to hear.

ANTIPHO: Well done, Geta.

GETA: There I heard the finest story, that made me almost cry out for joy, by Hercules.

ANTIPHO: What was it?

GETA: What d‘y’ think?

ANTIPHO: I don’t know.

GETA: The most surprising! Your uncle is discovered to be your wife‘s, your Phany’s, father.

ANTIPHO: How! What say you?

GETA: He had formerly a private correspondence with her mother at Lemnos.

PHORMIO: He dreams: how could she be ignorant of her own father?

GETA: Depend upon it Phormio, there’s some reason for it: but do you imagine that I, who was without, could understand all that was doing among themselves within?