The Passion of Mademoiselle S. (13 page)

*
This “nest” was probably a rented room in a discreet apartment building. Renting a room like this would have been very unusual practice for a young lady at the time when it would have been a man's role to take such an initiative. This is another example of how Simone behaves as though she is a man with a mistress; Simone was surely atypical in her capacity to reverse roles and become the other.

My dear little god,

I feel infinitely sad today. My heart is weighed down by an obscure, indefinable sadness, and it hurts. Jumbled thoughts have been spinning around inside my head, and I do wish I had you beside me, close beside me, to comfort me with your beloved presence, to feel the gentle pressure of your arm against mine as I did yesterday. A little later I shall telephone you just to hear your voice.

If we could meet up in our little room today, how I would love you, my darling one. What passionate fervor I would put into kissing those warm lips that surrender to my kisses. I would treat them to a long caressing kiss, full of ardor but also tenderness, an endless kiss to express all the violence of my towering love for you. Next, picture it, I shall draw your beloved brown-curled head to me with both my hands, and then your huge eyes would be within reach of my lips, your deep, passionate eyes, which have me under their spell, and whose gaze is sometimes clouded by the full force of your desire. And I shall close your beloved eyes with my lips while I softly, gently stroke the pearly skin all over your glorious body which affords me such incomparable ecstasies, all your male flesh to which my whole being cleaves with a confounding desire, robbing me of my strength and my will. If I had you in my arms, my dear love, I should like to intoxicate you with my wild caresses before carrying you off to the infinite ecstasies into which both our bodies sink.

Will this happen tomorrow? I desperately hope so, my dear love, for it feels a long time since you pleasured my body with your ardent kisses.

Will it be tomorrow that you hold me in your fervent arms once more? Do tell me. Oh, I hope so, I hope so, for I do long for you terribly!

My body still faithfully carries within it the magical memory of our last tryst. Remember our two naked bodies intertwined, your hot avid mouth pressed to my hardened button. Your wonderfully skilled tongue licks all this eager intimate flesh that gradually releases its bitter sap into your mouth. I take your cock into my impatient mouth and feel it stiffen, then, abandoning this pulsing member, I stroke your tempting brown balls. I take one between my lips, into my mouth, and now it has completely disappeared. Even ten days later I still think I can feel it deep inside my throat, and it is as if I am swooning with pleasure all over again to the insistent caress of your tongue.

Are these the follies we shall commit tomorrow? Which coupling shall we favor? I shall do everything you want, my love. I shall lie passively beside you, and you can direct our senses in whichever direction pleases you.

Tell me, do you want to make me suffer? Are you obsessed with that fiercest of pleasures? Do you want to make me shriek with pain under your blows? How arousing you find it watching your mistress's poor body contorting before you! How your cock responds to her screams, and what ecstasy when her battered rump produces that first drop of blood, which your cruel depravity has waited so long to see!

I am prepared to suffer anything, to accept anything if I know you are happy, if I know that you love me, for I want to keep you a long time, a very long time, my dear little god, my adorable lover.

I know that if you want to, you will make me suffer terribly, but also what joy I shall have in my reward! You will take me in such a soft, tender embrace that I shall forget the excruciating flagellation. My whole body belongs to you, you know that. You are my only master, master of my heart and master of my senses. So, you decide. Tell me the best position. On my knees, I can present you with my shameless rump. Is that how you want me? No, like this instead: flat on my stomach with my hands bound and my legs spread but also tied down, and with a cushion under my stomach to raise my impertinent ass toward you. Look, it's taunting you, making fun of you. Make it stop with a fearsome beating to lacerate it until it bleeds.

Oh, Charles, darling Charles, to suffer like that for you, what ecstasy! I shall bring a magnificent strap tomorrow if you want. What a terrifying toy in your expert hands! You must tell me if you want that or if you would rather be gentle and tender. I shall do whatever you want, but please don't make me wait any longer for this wonderful tryst. Come to my arms tomorrow, they are wide open, waiting to close around you with such passion.

But tell me you love me, tell me you want me. Don't have that hard, impenetrable expression that chills my heart. I know you are not as free as you would wish, but do tell me once and for all that you love me, say it clearly and from this admission I shall draw the strength to bear your transient frostiness. Tell me I should not be alarmed when you are in that mood and indifferent to me, tell me you will gradually come back to me.

Yes, I know we have a wonderful past and an even more passionate present, but you know I fear the future. Alas, I do! And when I see you with that hard expression I feel horribly afraid our future will be here very soon. My little god, if you were not a remarkable lover, if you had not pleasured me in such unique ways, would I be so afraid of losing you? Surely I would believe others after you could make love to me, should I want them to. But you, you are not like the others. Do these “others” know such ministrations, such orgies? And could I experience a love like this anywhere but in your arms? No, my Charles. Besides you, nothing matters. My flesh is irrevocably bound to yours, and that is why I am afraid of losing you.

But, reassure me, my darling treasure. Make me die with your kisses. Make me suffer with your passion. Take all of me, wildly, helplessly, I belong to you.

Listen, if you ever weary of my attentions, we shall part, but promise me you will tell me so frankly. I shall be strong and I shall listen. Rather a sad reality than appalling doubts gnawing at me…

Enough of such sad thoughts. I shall dream of you all night, my Loved One. You will fill my dreams with passionate images. Remember I am waiting for our next assignation with furious impatience. Don't make me wait any longer. Tomorrow if you can, perhaps the day after tomorrow, but as soon as possible, my beloved.

I am picturing all the wonder of your glorious body, and I can feel a wave of urgent longing rising within me. Belonging to you in pain or in pleasure, what unbounded delight!

Goodbye, my dear adorable little god. I shall expect a telephone call from you tomorrow, and I do hope it won't be a disappointment. If, like me, you cannot wait to relive the follies we have shared, you will do anything to come and join me. I am prepared to suffer. I promise to be compliant. Promise me you will love me with the full force of your depravity.

Goodbye, my dear love. I shall go home very soon so that I can entertain wild thoughts of you, of us.

Passionate kisses on your lips and your eyes. I am utterly yours.

Simone

My most adored darling,

True to my promise, I am wasting no time in replying to the delicious long letter I found in the office this morning. It was certainly worth the wait, for every sentence was at once passionate and tender. Those are the bewitching words I love reading, for they make me happy.

If you only knew, my pretty darling, how good it feels to know you love me that much. I often have to convince myself it is true because this is all so magical that I keep thinking a dream so sweet must surely come to an end. But you mean it sincerely, I can tell, and look how radiant that makes me.

Yes, you will definitely succeed in binding me to you for another year, another whole year, because, my lover, your caresses are the kind to enthrall, to enslave, and there is no power great enough to erase the memory of them, unless we choose to end them. But we must not restrict our mutual desire to this new year, for why would we weary of each other, my darling? Does our love not afford us the truest, deepest, greatest joys, and sensations so wonderful they do not seem real? We have long since stripped each other of all modesty or selfishness, and before seeking our own gratification, we each strive for the other's pleasure, wanting to make it complete and absolute. You know my vices and I know yours. They are similar, they are almost the same, and the perfect union of our bodies, as we battle out these vices, gives us undying memories for the rest of our lives.

Yes, darling Lottie, for some time I had been hoping to break away from bland, ritual couplings that leave me quite indifferent with no sense of desire, in the hopes of tasting new, almost unsuspected perverse pleasures. To achieve this, I dreamed of an adorable mistress who would give me her entrancing and depraved body, who would smother me with such sweet caresses that I would be left powerless…I searched for a long time but never found my Chosen Girl. And also, I hope you understand, I always hesitated at the last moment; I was not bold enough, and dared not confront this danger and put myself beyond the bounds of what is “natural.” When fate in all its omnipotence brought us together, when I saw the ardent glow in your eyes as they stared at me, it was like a physical impact, a shock. I was deeply disturbed, without understanding why…I remained in that state for several days, unable to drive away the image glimpsed all too quickly. I thought of you obstinately, unrelentingly, and your eyes, your wonderful eyes that I do so adore, they were what I wanted to see again, to find again. Now that I know who we are, now that I can think over what we do, I realize that this shock was a secret signal: I had finally found the adorable creature I had searched for in vain. I put up very little resistance to your advances, would you not say? I very soon made you my lover, before I truly knew you. And, do you know, I was often ashamed of that? Did you ever misjudge me? Do tell me. You can tell me now, now that we know each other. Here, this evening, I am revealing all my remorse, and there was plenty, but how short-lived it was! Under the effects of your tender passion, it melted like snow in sunlight, and now I have no regrets, none at all.

Yes, my love, in you I have found the most enticing mistress anyone could dream of finding. I wanted a charming body: Do you not lay before me all the splendors of your flesh, which is so soft, so white, and so pure? Its every line is full and harmonious, delicious little breasts, a soft, polished stomach, a rounded rump, just fat enough to create the charming illusion for me. I wanted vice, and surely I have found it in you? And how ardently you long for my touch, how fierily eager you are to reciprocate it!

Oh, Lottie, my charming little mistress, you are the Chosen Girl, the one I was hoping to find. When I hold your body in my arms and kiss your skin, I am endlessly happy, for I adore you.

But as well as the unexpected role you have played to such perfection, what a wonderful lover I found in you! Passionate, perverse, sometimes brutal, occasionally tenderly loving. You are all these things, and you handle my body like a true virtuoso. You have managed to find forgotten regions to make every inch of me thrill. In your arms, I truly am a pitiful thing, almost a lifeless doll because you take my life, you draw it out of my body, you rob me of it drop by drop with your knowing kisses and your wonderful embraces. From the first day, you showed me the most adorable caresses, which made me yours till the end of days. Darling Charles, you have given me the most perfect, flawless happiness for a year now. Thanks to you, I know all the sweetness of love, I know its every desire, its every secret. My most fervent wish is to keep your tenderness for a long time, forever, because I adore you, I really do…What is any other man compared to you? Nothing, nothing…All I see in life is the gleam in your eyes, the red of your lips, and the whiteness of your skin, and my horizon is wherever your heart stops.

Yes, my darling love, in a few more weeks you will be mine without any need to share. You will be a passionate lover to me alone, and I shall at last experience the ultimate ordeal you crave. You will feel the pain of the lash on your already smarting skin, you will have that double sensation, and you can finally tell me whether I have succeeded in initiating you to the cruel mysteries of flagellation. Oh, quickly, Charles, roll on the day when I am master of your body at last, and you give yourself to me unreservedly.

In our perfectly discreet room, we can share the most ardent joys. We shall most likely be together again soon, quite helplessly and completely together.

You know I can no longer survive without your body. I need you more than ever now, your lips, your hands, your eyes, oh, especially your eyes full of longing. Give it all to me, my love!

I give myself to you entirely. You are my master, my darling little god whom I am powerless to resist. If it pleases you to strike furious blows at my rump that you so love, take up the whip and strike, strike till you draw blood. I know you have been looking forward to that moment for a long time, it is something you have always wanted. It may be drawing near, but the ordeal is cruel, and weak my will.

When next we meet, I shall be your docile mistress with a voluptuous body, and you can love me dementedly.

Goodbye, my much loved, much cherished darling, this is a very long letter for you to read. I want a reply, do you hear? I will allow you to make it shorter but you will have plenty to talk about! I want to know all your thoughts, from the first day, I want to know whether you ever thought I was “easy.” I gave in so quickly! You know you have been my only lover and that I adore you, but please release me from thinking about this.
^*
I need our love to be pure.

Till Monday, my dear Charles. I love you and I now live only to keep our love going. I want it to be more beautiful than ever so that it can last a long, long time…

Goodbye, darling love. I am pressing my mouth to your hole and sucking it till I am quite out of breath.

I adore you.

Your Simone