The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (84 page)

Who has anguish? Who has sorrow? ... It is the one who spends long hours in the taverns, trying out new drinks.... For in the end [wine] bites like a poisonous snake; it stings like a viper. PROVERBS 2329-30, 32

FEW THINGS DAMAGE marital intimacy more than alcoholism. In fact, research has shown that a marriage in which one partner is a drug or alcohol abuser has only a one-in-ten chance of survival. With an estimated twelve million alcoholics in the United States, we are dealing with a problem of colossal magnitude.

Alcoholism is not a new problem; it's been around since Old Testament times. In fact, in Proverbs 23, King Solomon wrote a vivid description of the negative effects of chronically drinking too much. Alcoholism brings anguish and sorrow.

Why is alcoholism so destructive to marriage? The answer lies in the behavior that grows out of substance abuse. The alcoholic is extremely egocentric; life centers on meeting his or her own needs. In his effort to hide his addiction, the abuser becomes a master of deceit. Such deceit builds walls of separation between marital partners. The alcoholic is insensitive to the feelings of those who care for him, and his addiction often leads to verbal abuse and loss of jobs.

The partner who focuses on these symptoms rather than on the real problem will be greatly frustrated. Too often, the partner becomes an enabler, doing anything possible to keep the peace in the family. Ultimately, the only thing that will help an alcoholic is tough love.

Father, l pray for yourguidance and help as we figure out how to deal with the addictions or habits in our lives that threaten our marital unity, including those that may not be as blatant as substance abuse. Please grant us wisdom.

Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. COLOSSIANS 3:14

LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC or any type of addict calls for tough love. Barbara realized this after ten years of living with an alcoholic husband. Alcoholics know how to manipulate, con, and lie in order to be successful addicts. Their stories and excuses sound so plausible, you really want to believe them.

But eventually Barbara learned how to love her husband genuinely by refusing to pick up the pieces, to make excuses, or to rescue him from the consequences of his behavior. She let him stay in the local jail in spite of his pleadings for her to bail him out. She let him lose his job rather than intervening on his behalf. When he went on a drinking binge, she took the children and went to her mother's.

That was the last straw for Dan. He came begging and pleading for Barbara to return, but she was able to say no to his tears. She told him that she would not return until he entered a treatment program and agreed to go through marriage counseling with her. Dan came back begging the next night, and she repeated her answer. A week later, he was in a treatment program.

The Bible is clear that we are to "clothe [ourselves] with love;' as Paul wrote in Colossians 3. But loving people doesn't mean letting them walk all over us; rather, it means doing what is ultimately best for them. Barbara was learning that tough love is the only love an alcoholic understands.

Father, sometimes we think that gentle, tender love is the only way to be Christlike. Butl know that's not always the way you love; when I read through the Bible, l see times when you imposed consequences so that people would be motivated to change. Please help me to know when tough love is appropriate in my marriage, and help me to implement it with my spouse's best interests in mind.

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. ROMANS 6:6-7

HOW CAN YOU BE A POSITIVE AGENT for change while living with an alcoholic? Like Barbara, whom we read about yesterday, you may need to say something like this: "I love you too much to sit here and let you destroy yourself and me. The next time you come home drunk, I will take the children and move in with my parents."

This may seem like a very unchristian action. But in reality, it may be the only kind of love an alcoholic can understand. Alcoholics will be motivated to seek help only when they realize they are about to lose something important.

There is hope; deliverance is possible for the alcoholic. Romans 6 and many other places in the Bible make clear that as believers, we are no longer enslaved to sin. Christ has set us free from its power! He can transform our lives and break down any remaining areas where sin has its hold on us. Many Christians can give testimony that they were once enslaved to alcohol, but now they are free. For a few it happened instantaneously. For most it happened with the help of a Christian treatment program, the support of caring professionals, and a family that learned how to be a part of the healing process.

If you are married to an alcoholic, begin by getting help for yourself. Learn how you can be a part of the cure. Call your church and ask what local group might help you. Check out local treatment programs. Be ready with information when your spouse decides to turn for help.

Heavenly Father, thank you that there is hope for the alcoholic and for his or her family. Whether it is this issue or some other sin that is affecting our marriage, I pray for wisdom, for transformation, and for a willingness to change. Help me to trust that you can break the power of sin in our marriage.

Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. PROVERBS 29:11

FROM TIME TO TIME, most of us do stupid things. Then we get angry at ourselves. This anger maybe mild, medium, or malicious, depending on what we have done. If I get to my car parked in the garage and realize that I left my key in the second-story bedroom, my anger toward myself may be mild. If I lock my keys in the car in the shopping center parking lot, my anger may be medium. But if I lose my keys on a hunting trip one hundred miles from the nearest civilization, my anger at myself may be malicious.

How does this affect marriage? When I am angry at myself, I may take it out on my spouse. Likely, he or she will see the unfairness of that and respond in anger, beginning an unpleasant exchange. Wouldn't it be better to say to myself: Self, you did a stupid thing, and it's going to cost you some time. But don't make it worse by stewing or lashing out at someone who's not to blame. Now, how can the problem be solved? Once I've done that, I can get on with the solution.

King Solomon wrote very bluntly that someone who vents his angerparticularly at someone who had nothing to do with the situation, I'll add-is foolish, but the one who can control it is wise. It's always better to move on from your frustration, which is nonproductive, and think about how you can improve the situation.

Doing a stupid thing does not make you stupid. Don't beat up on yourself, and please, don't take it out on your spouse.

Lord Jesus,/ waste a lot of time and emotional energy being upset at myself. Too often that spills over into the wayI treat my spouse, and 1 know that's neither fair nor kind. Please help me to move away from my frustration and instead look for a way to solve the problem I'm facing. Thank you, Lord, for having compassion on our weaknesses.