The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (31 page)

But I have also observed that many wives do not understand their husbands' needs. Some wives believe that if they take care of the children and work with their husbands to keep food on the table and keep the house in some semblance of order, they are being good wives. They have little concept of their husbands' need for admiration and affection.

Often it's just a matter of focus. Why is it that when we were dating, we focused so much time and attention on each other, but after a few years of marriage, we focus on everything else? The fact is, we desperately need each other. The Bible calls us not only to love each other but to take delight in it! I want to call you to refocus attention on your spouse.

Father, you know how much my spouse and 1 need each other. You created us that way. Please help us to be aware of each other's needs and to take delight in meeting them.

[Joshua said,] "Fear the LORD and serve him wholeheartedly. Put away forever the idols your ancestors worshiped when they lived beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt. Serve the LORD alone." JOSHUA 24:14

MOST WOMEN HAVE an emotional need for security. It is first a physical need-to be safe from danger inside and outside of the home-but her greatest security need is often for assurance that her husband is committed to her.

The husband who threatens his wife with divorce or makes offhanded comments such as, "You'd be better off with someone else" or "I think I'll find someone else" is playing into a dysfunctional pattern.

When Joshua was leading the Israelites to the Promised Land, he challenged them to be totally committed to the Lord. They could no longer serve the God of Israel and still try to worship their old idols. They needed to make a choice. We face a similar question when we come to marriage. Will we put aside any thoughts or comments about divorce and be totally committed to our spouse?

The wise husband will make every effort to communicate to his wife that whatever happens, he is with her. If there are disagreements, he will take the time to listen, understand, and seek resolution. If she suffers physical or emotional pain, he will be by her side. Every wife should be able to say, "I know that my husband is with me, no matter what happens. He is committed to our marriage." Every husband needs the same commitment from his wife.

Lord God, l know that 1 need to be totally committed to my spouse. He or she is a gift that you have given me, and 1 am thankful. Please help me to show my commitment through my words and my actions so my spouse will feel secure in my support.

Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone. COLOSSIANS 4:6

I'VE IDENTIFIED FIVE levels of communication that occur in a relationship. You might picture these five levels as five ascending steps, each leading us to a higher level of communication. Today we start with the bottom step. I call this Hallway Talk because it's the kind of talk you share in passing as you walk down the hallway. For example: "Hi, how are you doing?" "Fine, how are you?" "Fine, thank you." By now you have passed each other, and the conversation is over.

This level of communication is common in marriage, but it is rarely satisfying. Several years ago, a young wife whose husband was an airline pilot said to me, "My husband is gone three days and then home three days. That's his work schedule. He comes home after three days away, and I say to him, `How did things go?' He says, `Fine. Three days apart and all I get is `Fine:"

Do you understand her frustration? Some couples go for days speaking only on this level-and they should not be surprised at the lack of intimacy in their relationship. In Colossians 4, Paul writes about the way we should speak. The New International Version describes it as "full of grace, seasoned with salt." In other words, our communication as a couple should not be bland and trite but meaningful. Without that, we will not be satisfied. In the next days, we'll look at other steps on the communication ladder.

Father, forgive me for the times when 1 have been so lost in my own world that 1 have offered my spouse nothing but meaningless conversation. Please help us to enter into a deeper, richer discourse.

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! PROVERBS 15:23

YESTERDAY WE LOOKED at the first and least meaningful level of communication: Hallway Talk. Today we take a step up the communication ladder to Reporter Talk. This communication involves only the facts: who, what, when, where, and how.

For example, imagine that Emma says to her husband, Rich, "I talked with Grace this morning, and she told me that Michael has been sick for six days. The doctor is recommending that he go to the hospital on Friday for tests." Her husband responds, "Hmmm." Then he asks, "Did Jimmy find the dog?" "Yes;' Emma answers. "One of the neighbors had him locked up in his backyard. Jimmy heard him barking this afternoon and rescued him." The husband nods, walks out the door, and begins to mow the grass.

On this level of communication, we are simply sharing information. There's no expression of feelings or opinions. Some couples limit almost all of their communication to this level and think that they have really good communication. It's true that lots of words may be exchanged. But in reality, there is little intimacy built by Reporter Talk, because we're sharing nothing of ourselves. What a contrast to the "fitting reply" Solomon mentioned in Proverbs 15:23. Our goal should be to engage deeply with each other.

Lord, it's important for us to know the details of each other's lives. But too often we get stuck in the facts and don't go any deeper. Please help me to be ready to enter into my spouse's thoughts and feelings.

The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.

PROVERBS 18:15 (NIV)

STEP ONE on the communication ladder was Hallway Talk, and step two was Reporter Talk. Today we take step three: Intellectual Talk. This kind of communication says, "Do you know what I think?"

Here's an example. Imagine Olivia says to her husband, John, "I heard today that George has cataracts." Her husband responds, "I think he should go see Dr. Gillespie. I hear he's the best in town. "`I don't know," his wife responds. "I've heard that Dr. Black is good. He's younger and has the latest techniques." "I'd go for the experience of Dr. Gillespie;' her husband responds. Then they move to another topic of conversation.