The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (30 page)

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

PROVERBS 15:1

POSITIVE WORDS are powerful tools in building a strong marriage. When my wife compliments me on something, it makes me want to do more. When she criticizes me, it makes me want to defend myself and fight back. If you want to see your spouse blossom, try giving a compliment every day for thirty days and see what happens.

Have you ever noticed that when you speak softly, your spouse seems to calm down, and when you speak harshly, your spouse tends to get louder? We influence each other not only by what we say, but by how we say it. Screaming is a learned behavior, and it can be unlearned. We don't have to yell at each other. The above verse from Proverbs tells us what we instinctively know: Harsh words lead to more anger, but gentle words can defuse the situation. It's all in how we say it.

If you have a problem that you need to discuss with your spouse, write out what you want to say. Stand in front of a mirror and make your presentation in a soft voice. Then ask God to help you use the same tone of voice when you talk to your spouse. You may not be perfect the first time, but you will learn to speak the truth in love and gentleness.

Dear Lord, l want to affirm my spouse by the things 1 say as well as the way 1 say them. Please help me to remember that kindness will always go further than criticism. Guard me from yelling or screaming at my spouse; please show me the way to speak with gentleness and kindness.

Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction. The tongue can bring death or life. PROVERBS 18:20-21

THIS PROVERB IS TRUE: "The tongue can bring death or life." You can kill your spouse's spirit with negative words, and you can give life through positive words. Encouraging words should be the norm in your marriage. You can't treat encouragement like a fire extinguisher, pulling it out only when you really need it and then putting it away again. Encouragement needs to be a way of life.

Encouraging words grow out of an attitude of kindness. When I choose to be kind to my spouse, to look for her positive qualities, and to do things that will make her life easier, then positive words begin to show up in my vocabulary. Complaining, cutting remarks grow out of a negative attitude. If I focus on the worst in my spouse and think about what she should be doing for me, then I become negative. I will destroy my spouse with my negative words.

I encourage you to give your spouse life by choosing positive, affirming words. The Bible tells us that wise or helpful words bring satisfaction. Proverbs 20:15 compares the value of wise words to gold and many rubies. Encouragement can work wonders in a relationship. Look for something good in your spouse and express your appreciation. Do it today-and every day.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of encouragement. I want to bean encour- agerin my marriage; l want to bring satisfaction and hope with whatI say, rather than discouragement or frustration. Please help me as 1 try to develop the habit of sharing positive words.

Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. EPHESIANS 4:29

NOT EVERYONE IS A BORN encourager, so I want to give you some practical ideas on how to increase your word power. First, keep it simple. Some people feel that in order to encourage, they must speak flowery words. I've sometimes called this Hallmark-itis. It's far better to use simple, straightforward words that sound like you. Your spouse will appreciate your genuine effort to express encouragement.

Second, mean what you say. Affirming does not mean lying or exaggerating to make your spouse feel better about himself. If you're not being sincere, you'll know it and your spouse will know it, so what's the point? Better a small compliment that is sincere than a long accolade that is all fluff.

Third, keep the focus on your spouse, not on yourself. If your spouse tends to reflect a compliment back to you by saying, "Oh, you're far better than I in that area;' gently turn the compliment back to her. The affirmation process is not about you but about the other person.

The Bible makes it clear that believers are to encourage one another. Ephesians 4:29 gives us a significant challenge-to let everything we say be good and helpful so that others maybe encouraged. Doing so with your spouse will bring optimism and blessing to your marriage.

Lord God, as 1 seek to grow in encouraging my spouse, please help me to remember these three ideas. I want to make encouraging words a habit, because 1 know that is pleasing to you and that it will help our relationship as a couple to grow.

Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you. 2 CORINTHIANS 13:11

TODAY, I WANT TO GIVE two further guidelines for learning to speak affirming words. First, don't give backhanded encouragement. That is, don't smother your comments in sarcasm. For example, "It took you almost two whole days to finish that bag of Oreos. I admire your willpower." It should go without saying, but comments like these are not affirming. Leave off the "zingers" if you want to affirm.

Second, don't get upset if your spouse's response doesn't live up to your expectations. Remember, everyone responds to compliments in a different way. Sure, it would be great if your spouse responded to your affirmation with a smile and a hug, but you may get that "What are you talking about?" look instead. This is especially true if you and your spouse are new to this affirmation business. The good news is that the more you give compliments, the better response you'll get.

At the end of 2 Corinthians, Paul gives a list of short directives to his listeners. Right in the midst of those is encouraging each other. It's a biblical mandate, it's something that pleases God, and it will strengthen your marriage. Take your first step today.

Father, thank you for the encouragement) receive from your Word. Please help me as 1 seek to change my words from negative to positive. Show me the best way to affirm my spouse so that he or she maybe encouraged and feel sure of my love.

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ROMANS 12:10

IT HAS BEEN MY OBSERVATION that many husbands simply do not understand the needs of their wives. Some husbands believe that if they work a steady job and bring home a decent salary, they have fulfilled their role as husband. They have little concept of a wife's emotional and social needs. Consequently, they make no effort to meet those needs. (I can hear some of you wives saying, "Yes!" as you read this.)