The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (22 page)

112 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Massage is most effective as the last step in the bedtime routine.

You’ll want your child to brush her teeth, use the toilet (or put on the

nighttime diaper), and get that last drink of water before you begin

your nighttime rub. Then she can drift off to sleep peacefully after

you’ve helped her to relax.

Regular bedtime massage can help your child associate relaxation

and sleep with her bed, and that association is an important factor in

helping her fall asleep alone.

•
Finish your child’s routine with an audiobook.
While reading

is a great way to help a child relax, it does require that you stay in the

room. You should defi nitely continue to read books, since it is such

an important component to intellectual development and a lovely

bedtime bonding ritual. However, if you want your child to fall asleep

alone, then put a limit on the number of books or the length of read-

ing time. When you’re done reading, shut off the light and turn on a

children’s audiobook for independent listening. Listening to a record-

ing in the dark will help your child tune out her worries, relax, and

fall asleep.

Growing Up: Attending Playdates and Parties

My kindergartener has been invited to several friends’

homes and to birthday parties, but she won’t go. I feel like

she’s really missing out. Should I force her to participate?

At this age, children begin to have formal social events; parties and

playdates enter the picture. These are a wonderful way for your child

to expand her horizons. However, she has a lifetime of socializing

ahead of her and won’t be harmed by missing out on a few events

until she is ready to take the leap. Many children aren’t prepared for

a kids-only event until fi rst or even second grade. However, there are

things you can do to help a child who really wants to go but needs a

little help taking that big step.

•
Rehearsal: Practice, role-playing, and preparation.
Some chil-

dren suffer separation anxiety because they fear the unknown. They

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
113

cling to their parents because they are familiar. We can sometimes

help children enter an unfamiliar environment by role-playing and

teaching them about the situation in advance.

Let’s use the example of fi ve-year-old Juan, who has been invited

to a number of classmates’ birthday parties but always refuses to

attend. He receives an invitation to Steffen’s upcoming party, and his

parents think if he goes, he will see how fun these events can be and

overcome his fear. Here’s what they do:

Juan’s mother fi rst calls Steffen’s parents and explains his separa-

tion anxiety and lets the other mother know this will be something

new for Juan. She asks about the party theme and what the mother

has planned for the party.

The next day she tells Juan that they are going to play “the birth-

day party game” so he can see how a birthday party works. Using

their imagination, paper party hats, and newspaper-wrapped toys,

they have a pretend party, with Dad playing the role of the party

boy. They begin with Juan coming in the door, then they play party

games and eat cake, and Dad opens the “presents.”

After the game, they talk about Steffen’s upcoming party and how

it might be the same or different than their game. For the next few

Madison, fi ve years old

114 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

days, they casually chat about the upcoming event. Juan’s mom has

brought home several books from the library about birthday parties,

and they read those to further prepare Juan for the big day.

•
Begin with events in your own home.
Children who are ner-

vous about attending an event away from home can work through

some of these feelings by fi rst hosting events at home. These pull

your child out of her usual routine and introduce new activities into

her day. If you’ve already had several children from her class visit

your home, for example, she may fi nd it less unnerving to attend a

party where these children will be, since they’ve already enjoyed

social time together outside of the school or daycare environment.

•
Carpool with buddies.
When your child is invited to attend

an event, invite one or two of the other children who will be going

over to your home for a preparty get-together. Allow them to play

together for an hour or so, and then gather them up for a group trip

to the event. Since your child has bonded with them, it will be easier

to enter the event together rather then stepping into it alone.

Fun Overnight: Attending Sleepover Events

My son is in fourth grade but has never attended a sleepover

at a friend’s home. He says he’s not interested, but I know

he’s worried about being homesick. I know there’s also a

second problem. He still sleeps with a tattered stuffed bear,

and I know he’d be too embarrassed to take it with him, but

he wouldn’t be able to sleep without him.

Attending a sleepover is a major milestone in a young child’s life.

Some kids are ready for this in kindergarten, yet others aren’t ready

to take the leap until third or fourth grade—or even later. The good

news is that sleepovers aren’t make-or-break events in a child’s life, so

whenever yours is ready is the right time for this to happen.

Just because his classmates are ready for sleepovers doesn’t auto-

matically mean he is. If it’s a truly optional event, allow your child to

make his own decision. If it’s something more important, such as a

Scout camp or a team or school event, then you’ll want to encourage

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
115

Professional-Speak

“Your child does need to confront separation-related situations.

But it’s important to understand that children have to confront

their fears at their own pace. If you push too hard, your child

may shut down and refuse to make any effort at all.”

—Andrew R. Eisen, Ph.D., and Linda B. Engler, Ph.D.,

authors of Helping Your Child Overcome

Separation Anxiety or School Refusal

your child to attend if possible. As you encourage him, be sensitive to

the fact that this is beyond his comfort level and work to fi nd ways to

make it easier for him.

If your child would love to attend a sleepover, but fear, worry, or

separation anxiety is standing in the way, use the following tips to

help him along.

•
Consider a schedule revision.
If there are options, consider a

twist on the planned schedule. Perhaps your child can attend the

event but leave early before bedtime. This will allow him to be in

on the fun and enjoy part of the experience without worrying about

bedtime.

•
Have a rehearsal.
To help reduce the stress of the unknown, you

might have a mock sleepover at your own home. This dress rehearsal

can help you talk your child through all the aspects of the event—

from getting ready for bed in a strange home, to how to phone you

if he’s worried or nervous. Teach some “good guest” manners, such

as putting his dishes in the sink, making his bed, and being polite.

If you can change your child’s focus to the mechanical details of the

event, you can eliminate some of the uncertainty.

•
Have your child be the host fi rst.
Before sending him off to

sleep at someone else’s home, have him host a sleepover at your home

fi rst. This event allows him to veer from the usual bedtime routine

and see what it feels like to have a sleepover with a friend, all in the

safety of his own home.

•
Choose the host family wisely.
It helps to search out a play-

mate whose parents have a similar parenting style to yours. If your

116 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

child becomes fearful at bedtime or wakes up in the night, you’ll

want the host to be a compassionate parent who will reassure him

and gently help him back to sleep.

A good fi rst sleepover is often one at a grandparent’s or other rela-

tive’s home. This is especially helpful if your child is very familiar with

their home. A successful overnight experience with a family member

can build a child’s confi dence to try a sleepover at a friend’s home.

•
Choose the place wisely.
For early experiences, try to fi nd a

home that is similar in atmosphere to your own. If you have a house-

ful of kids who share bedrooms, dogs roaming the halls, and a televi-

sion playing in the evening, your child may be out of place in a very

quiet home with one child, no pets, and silence after the bedtime

ritual. Conversely, if your home is quiet and reserved, your child may

be overwhelmed in a house full of noise and people.

•
Send your child’s lovey along with him—in a secret place.

An older child is sometimes embarrassed to take along his blankie or

teddy bear to sleep with, but unable to sleep without it—especially

in a new environment. The best solution is to have him take his own

pillow or sleeping bag and tuck his lovely inside. That way he won’t

be broadcasting its presence but will still have it along to reassure

him and help him sleep.

•
Give him a way to share the event with you.
Express your inter-

est in the event and tell your child you’d like to know more about what

he does. Send him along with a notepad and pen so he can jot down

what he’s doing, or send a disposable camera with him so he can take a

few photos. Having this mission might help him see the event through

your eyes, making it much more fun for him.

•
Manage bedwetting for a sleepover.
If your child wets the bed,

you’ll want to have all the details of a plan in place beforehand. Pur-

chase special pull-up disposable pants that look like real underwear.

Set a plan for your child to change into his pajamas in the bathroom

and use pajamas that are baggy rather than slim-fi tting pants (or a

nightgown for a girl). Suggest that he reduce liquids after dinner,

avoid soda pop, and use the bathroom twice before going to sleep.

Pack a second pair of pants for a middle-of-the-night change and a

gallon-sized baggie to carry home any wet pants so they don’t have to

be left in the trash.