The No Cry Discipline Solution (36 page)

144

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Mother-Speak

“ If I am tired, hungry, rushed, or stressed out, I can’t seem to

call up even the simplest parenting technique and I fi nd any

bit of childish behavior unbearable. I am likely to snap with

orders and demands. I have even lashed out with a slap on a

leg or hand, which has left me feeling horrifi ed and dismayed

with myself. Because this is so far from how I choose to par-

ent, I fi nd it very shameful and distressing. And, of course,

I feel guilty and afraid that I have damaged our relationship

or even damaged my child’s psyche in some way. My own

parents were not spankers, but when pushed to the limit

my mom did reach out and pinch legs or buttocks. I can see

myself reacting to irritation and frustration in the same way.

So I guess I should be thankful that I had good parents who

were not actually violent, as it must be very hard to break

that cycle. It is very clear to me that violence and even anger

do absolutely nothing to help my child, and they certainly

don’t help me. So I am eager to fi nd more ways to control

them. I wish I would have been taught how to express anger

in a constructive way and then fi nd a way to cool off and get

on with things more positively.”

—Amy, mother to Amani, age 20 months

Lack of Anger Management Skills

It’s possible that no one has ever taught you any specifi c skills

for handling your anger constructively. It’s not likely your parents

taught you as a child, and it’s not a class taught at school. Even

worse, you may have learned poor anger management approaches

from experiences with your own parents and other people who

Why Do Parents Get Angry at Their Children?

145

infl uenced your emotional growth. Children (and you were one,

once) often copy the behavior of other people in their lives, and

this applies to how they see angry emotions dealt with. With time,

what children observe becomes their own pattern of behavior and

will remain so, even up through adulthood, unless they take action

to modify their normal responses.

Typically the only adults who take anger management classes

are those who are in family or marriage therapy or those who are

ordered by a court of law to do so because of extreme anger prob-

lems. This is truly a shame, since every human being could benefi t

from learning anger management skills. In the following pages,

you will learn specifi c skills for controlling parental anger as well

as tips on how to teach your children these valuable life skills.

One other point to keep in mind is that all people respond

to tense situations differently, and we all have different “angry”

personalities. Some people yell, others stomp, some sulk or escape

from the person they are mad at. It can help to think about how

you automatically respond when you are angry—what are your

typical thoughts and actions? If you identify and understand what

your automatic responses are, then you will have more power to

change those actions.

Self-Neglect, Pain, or Exhaustion

It’s common for parents to be stressed and constantly busy. They

tend to their children’s needs with rarely a moment to themselves.

They don’t eat right, they don’t exercise, and they don’t get enough

sleep. While unaware of what is happening, this constant caregiv-

ing and self-neglect can build into a subconscious resentment and

an unmet need for personal space. These buried emotions can be

pushed to the surface. Fueled by daily parenting frustrations, they

can erupt in a moment of anger.

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Busy parents must continue to function no matter how they feel.

Tending to children, running a household, and working a job keep

us busy from sunup to sundown, and often throughout the night

as well, tending to a sleepless child. Parents must push on through

sleep-deprivation or pain, including headaches, backaches, head

colds, symptoms of pregnancy, postpartum depression, or other

discomforts. Human beings have a natural tendency to have a

shorter fuse when dealing with their own physical problems.

Children, of course, don’t understand or comprehend their par-

ents’ pains. So they continue with their normal whining, bicker-

ing, or nagging—and push a suffering parent past patience. Even

innocent, happy play that is noisy or rambunctious can trigger an

angry response from a parent who is dealing with pain or exhaus-

tion. Parents who are under the infl uence of drugs (both medi-

cations and recreational drugs) or alcohol will fi nd their normal

emotions to be skewed, which can result in angry responses.

Repeated episodes of uncalled-for anger can cause inconsistent,

confusing behavior that can interfere with good discipline prac-

tices and damage the parent-child relationship.

Lack of Motivation to NOT Get Angry

You
can
control your anger. You
do
control your anger all the time.

Don’t believe me? Think of the times that you’ve been upset with

a store clerk, restaurant server, superior at work, neighbor, govern-

ment offi cial, or driver in front of you. How many times did you

swallow that anger and respond in a civilized manner? Think of

times that your child misbehaved but you held your anger because

the situation occurred in public or in front of your boss, mother-

in-law, minister, or child’s teacher. You were able to control your

anger in all of these situations because there would have been a

social price to pay if you had responded angrily. You might have

Why Do Parents Get Angry at Their Children?

147

suffered damage to your reputation, embarrassment, shame, or,

worse, a fi ne or arrest.

When you get angry at your child, the worst thing that you

perceive happening in return is your child’s anger or tears. While

this is never a desirable outcome, it’s not enough to stop you

in your tracks. This is not a conscious decision, but it happens

nonetheless.

Once you acknowledge that anger is not an effective parenting

response and that it can damage your relationship with your child,

while other methods will actually bring positive long-term results,

you will be more motivated to learn a method for controlling your

outbursts. When that happens, you will learn, practice, and adopt

methods that prevent you from releasing your anger in favor of

better, more effective responses.

Noise, Disorganization, Mess, and

General Chaos

Most of us have a picture in our minds of how we’d like our homes