The Mason List (30 page)

“I don’t
know.  Losing you was worse.  I didn’t think much about the video after you
didn’t text me back.  I just thought about you.”

“Yeah, my
hand was in a cast that day.  I didn’t do much textin’ for a while.”

“Jess…” 
Guilt ate into my shaking voice.  “You got hurt?  What did you do to him?”

“Bastard,”
he muttered and paused for a moment.  “I drove to Lubbock and beat the shit out
of him.”

“Crap.  I
don’t know what to say.”

“I was
pretty upset.  Lots of um…feelins’ at the time.”  Jess cleared the catch in his
throat.  “He had it comin’, Al.  Bad things happen to stupid people.  That's
all you really need to know.  He's still alive.  Got all his fingers and toes.”

“Thank
you.”

“Well,
don’t think I didn’t enjoy it.”

“Is your
hand ok?”

“Just a
small fracture across the top.  Three weeks in one of those floatin’ casts then
two in a brace.”

“Oh.”

We sat
leaning against the stump.  Neither of us talked after discussing Dutch’s
fate.  Neither of us really knew where to go next.  The breeze picked up
rustling the grass.  Orange painted streaks filled the west sky, casting
shadows with the start of night.  It was only a short time before our Texas
stars appeared in the darkness.

“Jess,
are we really ok?” I whispered.

“Yeah.” 

“Promise?”

“Yeah.”

Jess
slipped his fingers through mine.  Like a puzzle piece finding its place, I
gripped tight to his hand.  I never wanted to let go again.   The rational side
of my subconscious wanted to question it, but my broken heart refused to
listen.  The warmth of his skin wove a magic around the shredded pieces filling
the missing gaps.  I was finally whole again.

“I quit
the fraternity.”

“You
did?  When?”

Jess
didn’t answer for some time, but clasped my fingers a little tighter.  “I moved
out after the first week of school.  Seth left too, and we got an apartment.  I
had too much goin’ on here.” 

I didn’t
know what to say.  Jess had an apartment, and I knew nothing about it. 
“Where?”

“Not far
from you actually.  I’ve seen you a few times at the grocery store.”

“Oh.” 
This felt incredibly strange.  Jess had an apartment and watched me sometimes.

“I
couldn’t keep up with school and workin’ with Frank and the fraternity stuff.” 
He let out a deep breath.  “I figured out what to do ‘bout Sprayberry.”

“You
did?”

“Yeah,
he’s gettin’ bad.  Mother’s right.  She can’t even get him to go to the
doctor.  My dad spends time with him, tryin’ to secretly access him.  Frank
knows too.  Makes him a little crazy.”  His thumb rubbed over my skin.  “They
need me here…
he
needs me here.”

“But you
came back to school?”

“I did. 
We hired Skeeter to help Frank while I’m gone, but I come back every weekend. 
Sometimes I come on Thursdays and don’t leave until Monday.  Sometimes more. 
I’m gonna try to keep it up until I graduate.  Then I’ll come back and…stay.” 
He smiled sadly at me.  “I want this Al.  This place and me just go together.”

“I know
it does.”

“But I
really want to finish school too.  I’m gettin’ behind pretty bad.  I don’t
know…I might not be able to finish.  I’ll try I guess.”

“I’ll
help you.  Let me do it, please.”  The words rushed out.  I saw a way to make
amends with him.  “We can do study sessions and…I’ll even make you flash
cards.  I know you love it when I make them.”

“You’re
gonna teach me your nerdy pants ways.”

“Yes. 
I’ll do whatever it takes to help you graduate and still come here.”

“Thank
you.”  His smile seemed incredibly sad.  “I’ve missed you so much.  You have no
idea how much I wanted to talk to you ‘bout all of this.  I’ve been so torn up
over what I’m doin’.  Confused if it’s the right decision.  Not knowin’ if I
should just quit school all together.”

“I’m
sorry…Jess.”

“I
know.”  He swallowed.  “Frank even figured it out.  He looked at me a couple of
weeks ago and said
Boy, there’s no use tryin’ to cover up the smell of shit
with the stink of an ‘ol pole cat
.”

“I think
I even missed your Frank jokes.”

“I’m not
kiddin’.  Frank looked at me and said it, tryin’ to shake some sense into me, I
guess.”

I laughed
faintly.  “So Skeeter really works here now?”

“I
wondered how long you were gonna let that slide.”

“Skeeter
Rawlins works at Sprayberry.”

“Yeah,
he’s doin’ good too.  The other day…”

We talked
until my bones froze against the stump.  Jess rubbed his thumb over the top of
my hand, warming up my frigid skin.  After months of hurt, the rope holding us
together was growing stronger.  That’s what happens when something severs a
tie.  A new one has to be woven in place around the broken threads, making it
bigger and tougher than what existed before the ripping pain.

I watched
my best friend, feeling a deep warmth radiate out of my chest and into my
freezing limbs.  It was an intense feeling that took my breath away as my mind
finally accepted what it meant; something I had felt toward Jess Mason since I
was eight years old.

Chapter 35

When
I was twenty-one…

Today was
my birthday.  Standing in front of the mirror, I curled one last piece of my
long, red hair.  Sadie came into my bedroom and stopped suddenly. 

“You are
not wearing that tonight.”

“I just
wanted to be comfortable,” I complained, but only my reflection in the glass
heard the words.

She came
back in the room carrying a flowy, red skirt with a black elastic waist.  “Put
this on and I guess the shirt can stay.”

“That’s
way too short.  I can’t wear that.”

“You have
those ridiculous legs and all you do is cover them up.  I’m taking you out, so
put on the skirt.  You only turn twenty-one once, sweetie.”  She shook the
hanger at me.  I rolled my eyes as I looked at her little, black dress and
shiny heals.  My jeans had a hole in the leg and not the fashionable kind.  It
was a comfortable, ‘I’ve worn these for years’, kind of hole.

I dropped
the jeans and pulled the skirt up.  I tucked my fitted black shirt into the
waist band.  If I bent over to put on my shoes, my black panties would flash
everyone.

“That
looks better on you than it ever did on me.  You should keep it.”

“Sadie, I
will never wear it again.”

“We will
see.”

Hearing a
knock on the apartment door, I looked at Sadie, but she just shrugged.  I went
into the living room and opened the door, feeling the cool air hit my bare
legs.  Jess grinned back at me.  My breath caught in my chest, seeing his sweet
face.  He was supposed to be at Sprayberry because Frank needed him this
weekend.  “What are you doing here?”

“I
couldn’t miss your birthday.”

“But I
thought…”

“I
couldn’t miss your birthday,” he said softly. 

“Oh.”

He handed
me a bag of orange slices.  “Sorry, but they came from here.  I didn’t have a
chance to get the real ones.”

“I’m sure
these are just as good.”

His blue
eyes drifted over my hair and down the rest of my body to the short skirt and
excessive amount of legs.  “You look pretty, Al.”

“Thanks.” 
I blushed.

Jess
touched my waist and then slipped his hands around my back, pulling me tight
against his chest.  The words remained unspoken, but we both remembered my last
birthday.  I blocked out those thoughts as I buried my nose into his neck.  I
pulled in a deep breath, getting lost in his smell.  Jess didn’t let go until
Sadie came into the room.   

“Oh good,
you made it.  I was afraid I would have to employ some catastrophic incident to
stall her.”

“You knew
he was coming?”

“Happy
birthday, sweetie.”  She smiled, and I knew this explained her persistence in
making me wear the skirt.  “Now let’s go have some fun.”

“Where
are we going?” 

“That’s a
surprise,” Jess grinned at me. 

“I’m
worried.”

“You’ll
like it.  I promise.”

“Jess, I
am not riding a mechanical bull.”

He
ignored me and looked at Sadie.  “Seth’s gonna meet us there.” 

“Meet us
where?” 

He
grinned at me again.  “Stop tryin’ to ruin your surprise.”

“If I
have to ride that thing, then I’m doing a shot tonight.”

“You are
not getting drunk.”  Sadie turned to give me an evil look with those hazel
eyes.

“One
shot.”

“That’s
it, Alex.”

“Maybe
two,” I teased her.  “I’m twenty-one and you can’t stop me anymore.”

“
Alex
.”

I
giggled, following her perfect, blonde curls down the stairs.  Jess bumped
against me on the steps.  His fingers slipped around my hand.  He did that
sometimes and I let him.  After my father’s wedding, Jess and I never discussed
the implications of our Band-Aid fix to the real problem.  I think we both felt
anything spoken would harm the fragile state of our truce.  Our casual
interactions became something I dubbed the new normal.  Something without a
defined future.  Something we both ignored.

I let him
hold me.  I let him touch me.  It felt so comfortable and sweet, even though it
was coated in twisted guilt and unspoken issues.  I lacked the strength to stop
it.  I was selfish.  Every time I wanted to establish some clarity, all the
hurtful memories of those months without Jess pelted my senses.  So I was his
and he was mine, at least in this selfish, twisted way. 

As we reached
the end of the staircase, Jess slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me to
his side.  I smiled at him. “I’m not riding that bull.”

“Who said
anythin’ ‘bout a bull,” he laughed at me as the lights sparkled around us in
the dark parking lot.  His pink lips grinned just an inch away from touching
mine. 

I knew if
he ever kissed me, this truce would be over.  I would drift away into the feel
of his lips.  I would let him do anything he wanted and it terrified me.  I
couldn’t lose Jess again.  I needed him.  I needed him the way I needed air; a
little bit every day just to survive in this dark world.

Chapter 36

Today,
4:20 a.m.

I am
awake.  I am asleep.  I am calm because I am not really awake.  I am somewhere
in-between.  Some place where the meadow grass blows in the breeze.  Some place
I don’t feel the ache in my chest.  I open my eyes and look out in the early
morning darkness.  I was here in Dallas just yesterday when everything was
sunny and the buildings glowed in happiness.  I was here before this place
spoke of pain.   

My father
pulls into the entrance.  The building seems frozen in the quiet parking lot. 
My mind plays tricks on me and the shadows speak of torture and pain.  My
nostrils fill with a rotten smell that doesn’t really exist.

“Hey
Alex, you awake?”  My father’s hand squeezes my left thigh.

The
shadows reach out and grab me around the throat so I can’t speak.  I turn
toward my father.  He is tired.  His eyes show worry and concern and sadness as
the lights sparkle in the dark parking lot.  He leans across the console and
grabs my hand.

“You
ready to go inside, Alex?”

I pull my
hand away from him.  I’m not ready for the truth so my mind slips into this
numb, empty void. 

“No.  Can
I be alone for a while?  I haven’t really been alone, you know.”

A void
fails to sling tears.  A void fails to comprehend pain.   A void is easier than
the truth. 

“I…I
guess.”  His hand nervously scratches the side of his jaw.  “You have your
phone.  Call me or Caroline if you need someone to come out here.”

 “Ok.  I
may just rest for a while.”

“Alex?”

“I won’t
do anything.”

“Call
me.”  His eyes plead with me.

“Ok.”

The truck
door shuts.  Silence.  My heart pounds in my chest and it vibrates into my
ears.  I feel a panic attack as I sit alone with my thoughts.  It spreads
through my chest and down into my stomach.  The rotten smell fills the cab. 
The stench becomes stronger.  The internal rumble clenches low with each breath
of the imaginary smell.  I will my stomach to a calm, but eventually surrender. 

Slinging
the door open, I vomit a pile of soup and slinky noodles.  It splatters in
every direction across the cement and on the tan door of the truck.  I wipe my
lips across the blue stars on my wrist and shut the door.  I lean back into the
seat, feeling the tears fall down my cheeks. 

“I should
have told him,” I whisper to myself.  I should have told him and now it was too
late.