The Mason List (26 page)

I dragged
the tips of my fingers down my face, catching on my eyeballs.  Anxiety ripped
through my gut, bringing up the lingering taste of bile.  My eyes darted around
at the hatchets and chainsaw glaring like gnawing teeth.  The sound of engines
and swirling wind circled through the room.  I couldn’t breathe.  I felt pain;
a raw hurt in my chest and somewhere else I wanted to forget.  I panicked.

What
have you done, Alex?
 
I don’t know.  Something terrible. 
Are you talking to yourself?
  I
heard the thoughts again like they were spoken out loud. 
Lexie, are you ok?
 
The tone sounded so deep and unlike my own.

“Lexie?” 
Dutch’s voice pulled my attention back through a silent, tunnel vacuum.  I
heard nothing but the sound of faint music.  His eyes blinked back, looking
straight into mine.  The light bulb continued to swing above our heads.

“Are you
ok?  You should have taken it easy on the joint.”  His fingers brushed my bare
skin as he pulled the red straps back on my shoulders. 
Shit!
  Until
that exact moment, I didn’t realize I was still perched on the nasty table,
stoned out and topless.

“You
leaving?”  My voice quivered a little.  Dutch silenced the music on his phone
then jammed the case down in his right jeans pocket.

“You want
to come?  I’m on camp-out duty tonight, remember?”

“Oh,
right.  I forgot you said that earlier.  Go on without me.  I'll come later.” 
Dutch looked at me a second then came back for a light peck to the lips giving
me a kiss of Funyun-coated nothing.

“You sure
I should leave you here?”

“Yes. 
I’m fine.”

“Alright. 
I’m pulling the zombie in the woods story out tonight.  Scared the literal crap
out of two of them last week.  Not kidding.  Shit their pants when Breck jumped
out of the woods.  Don’t want to miss it this time.  Catch you later, Lex?”

“Yeah.”

The
wooden door shut with a hard bang, wedging it closed.  I never wanted to see
Dutch again in my life.  Sliding off the table, I collapsed against the dirty
floor.  I felt as nasty as the pieces of mud and oil that clung to my legs.

I felt
sick.  Sadie would kill me.  Jess would…my thoughts came to a halt.  Jess would
hate me forever.  Isn’t this what I wanted to prove?  The fact we could never
be together?  No, damn it! 

My throat
constricted, cutting off my air supply.  I couldn’t have a real relationship
with Jess, so I killed the only one I did have with him.  Jess no longer was my
future or my friend.

“Shit!” 
I screamed it out loud with every ounce of energy I had remaining. 

The weak
muscles of my stomach gave out.  I leaned over and I threw up on the floor. 
Lifting the edge of my dress, I wiped the hem across my lips.  I threw up
again, feeling the liquid splash all over my legs.  I threw up again, not
bothering to even lean over this time.  Nasty chunks of hamburger rolled down
my chest.  I hated Dutch.  I hated my life.  I hated the Masons.  I hated
myself.  I hated Jess for leaving.

I sat in
my own vomit until two in the morning and my head was almost clear.  Covered in
puke, I went back to camp.  Most of the staff lay asleep in the bunks when I
crept through to get my phone.  I needed a shower, but what was the point.  I
hiked back out in the woods to a spot that guaranteed three bars of reception. 

Part of
me wanted to call Jess in a selfish act of needing to hear his voice.  It was
wrong, and I knew it.  I clicked Sadie’s name and listened to the buzzy rings
all the way in Chicago.

“Hello?” 

“Sadie. 
I…I’m sorry.  I know it’s late.”

“Alex? 
Sweetie, what’s wrong?” 

“I really
screwed up.  I…I don’t know what to do.”

“Where
are you?”  Her voice went from groggy to action mode.

“I’m
still at Rochellas.  Jess came to visit.  We had this fight.  It was bad. 
We’ve never been so horrible to each other.  He was screaming at me.  All these
terrible things.  I slapped him, Sadie.  Literally hit him, then he just left. 
I was so angry, like I couldn’t even stand being in my own skin.  I did
something unforgivable.  It’s bad Sadie. 
Really, bad
.” 

“Ok, try
to calm down.  Tell me what happened.”  

The story
felt out in garbled clumps of rushed words.  “I'm so stupid.  What have I done?
I went completely insane tonight.  I swear I was having an out-of-body experience. 
It’s like I kept seeing myself do these things.  I wanted to stop it but I
couldn’t.”

“Did you
at least use protection?”

“I might
have been stupid but I’m not a complete moronic girl.”  My mind swirled back
through the hazy moments in the Hatchet House.  “That’s not exactly true.  I
lucked out that Dutch preferred to be safe.”

“Well,
that's at least something right now.”

“It was
terrible too.  I thought it would be different.” 

“It
usually is different, sweetie.  You just experienced it with the wrong person
in the wrong circumstances.  Trust me.” 

“How
could I have been this stupid, Sadie?  I'll have to tell Jess.” 

“You two
are not together.  Unless your relationship status changes in the future, you
don't have to ever tell him.”

“But it
doesn't work that way with us.  It's the reason we were fighting.  You didn’t
see the look on his face as he left.  I wasn’t honest with him.”

“You are
almost twenty years old.  Bonds, promises, or whatever Booneyville pact you
made will not last as adults.  You are not obligated to tell him anything. 
What you did is none of Jess Mason’s business.  He may think it is, but the
details of tonight are most certainly not his business.  Forget about what you
think he needs to know.”

“I wish
it was that easy to forget.  I feel so nasty and slutty.”

“You are
not slutty.  Now Dutch?  I'm sorry sweetie but I think he's a bit of a man
whore.  He took advantage of someone in a very distraught state tonight.  This
lifeguard has been interested all summer because you’re the only one who said
no.  He knew exactly what he was doing.”

“I was
just so angry and…and…”

“It was a
mistake.  They happen.  You take the lesson learned and vow not to do it
again.  Even the most organized person makes them.”

“You
don’t make mistakes.”

“There’s
varying degrees of mistakes.  The main thing, you can’t let it destroy you. 
Take the turmoil and channel it into something else.  It’s called capitalizing
on your mistakes.”

 “I don’t
want to capitalize on it.  I want to take it back.  All of it.  From the moment
I got here.  Erase this whole damn summer.”

“Can you
take it back?  No.  Can you try to move forward?  Yes.  You will start by
staying away from Dutch and Darcy the rest of the summer.  Ok?  Promise me.” 

“You
don't have to worry.  I never want to see any of them again.  To be honest, I’m
done.  Part of me wants to just pack up and leave.”

“You
could leave, I guess.”

“And go
where?  I can't move into our apartment until August and there's no way in hell
I can go to Sprayberry right now.”

My head
hung in despair, thinking of Jess at Sprayberry, seeing his face smiling on the
meadow then changing to the haunting look of pain I caused in those blue eyes. 
Knowing Jess, he would drive all night then ride out to the burned up stump. 
He would sit for hours, watching the sunrise, contemplating how I had become a
wretched bitch.

“Sweetie,
why not come to Chicago?”

“Chigger
won’t make it that far and I don’t have the money for a plane ticket.”  I
refused to involve a single Mason dollar in this night of stupidity.  All the
money I made this summer had gone to the New Orleans trip and the alcohol I
contributed to the dock parties.    

“What if
I got you the ticket?”

“No, I
can’t let you.”

“Early
birthday.”

“Sadie,
you always say that.  I can’t add anything else to the birthday list.”

“You have
a list for me too?”  She asked as a joke, but I heard the question in her
voice.  Sadie thinks I’m insane.  I pictured those concerned creases above her
arched eyebrows with the cluck-cluck of disapproval.

“No, I’m
not that crazy.  At least I don’t think I am.” 

“Ok, so
not Chicago.  Just stay and go out of your way to be a model citizen the next
few weeks.”

“Staying
just sounds degrading.  I hate myself right now.” 

“You
seriously need to work on this anger and self-hatred cloud that follows your
every move.  You have to let it go.  This summer just made it worse, but don’t
wallow in the aftermath.  What happens at camp stays at camp.  If asked in the
future, you never heard of something called the Hatchet House and you never
inhaled.”

“You and
your political bull crap cover-ups.”

“I’ll let
that one slide tonight.”

“Sorry.” 
I let out a deep breath, feeling the waves of air floating out in the dark
night.  The tension of a lingering headache pierced through my temples. “What
am I going to do about Jess?  I mean really.  This is serious.” 

“We
covered that part.  You’re not telling him.”

“We can’t
go back to the way things were even if he doesn’t know about Dutch.  We have to
talk about how he feels toward me and how I don’t…” I bit down on my bottom
lip, trying to choke out the words.  The damn thing would fall off before the
end of the night.  “Why can’t I just say it out loud?”

“Because
it’s not true.  Because you do love him.  Because you have deep psychological
issues involving anger and resentment.  I am honestly not sure who you resent
more; the Masons, your father, your mother, or yourself.  Until you fix some of
this emotional debilitating hostility, you will not be able to accept the way
you really feel about Jess.  Friendship or otherwise.”

“It
doesn’t matter anyway at this point.  I pretty much slammed the door in his
face tonight.  No, I slapped him, and then he left.  Jess doesn’t just leave. 
I think I lost everything with him.  Our friendship is over.”

“Well,
you might need to give him some time.  Let him calm down.”

“I don’t
remember a time when I did life without him.  Not even here.  Jess still
existed even when I tried to pretend he didn’t.  It’s like he’s the other half
of me.  I don’t know how to live without him.”

“I guess
you will have to live without him.  I’m sorry, sweetie.”

“I know. 
This is really hard.”  I rubbed my forehead, smelling the vomit soaked into my
clothes.

“Just
power step one foot in front of the other.  You can do it.  Keep your chin up. 
Show all of them you’re not defeated.”

“Thank
you, Sadie.  You’re a good friend.”

“I know. 
Can’t live without me.  Good night, sweetie.”

Sitting
on the little rock, I wondered how it would feel to just cry.  Let all the
ugliness out for the world to see.  I remembered the last time I felt the drops
run down my cheeks.  In a fit of rage, I had smashed my tea set against my
bedroom wall.  My feet had stomped the larger pieces into shards against the
carpet.  I remembered the snot dripping off the tip of my nose and the haunted
look on my father’s face.  In that moment, I vowed never to let anyone see me
crack again.

The next
day, a cloud covered my heart, just like a scene from
Steel Magnolias
. 
The small television broadcasted the only VHS tape I could find on short
notice.  Rochellas had electronic equipment straight out of 1985.  I secretly
despised that movie as much as Ouiser if she was tied to a chair and forced to
watch it on repeat.  I needed blood and guts.  A nice
Saw
movie would serve
a better purpose, but that might scare the little brats into coming over to my
seat.

Covering
my face with a large set of sunglasses I stole from Darcy, I blocked out the
chaos in front of me, and prayed for this damn headache to go away, but I knew
it would stay lodged right where it belonged after what I did last night.