The Mason List (34 page)

“Ok,
let’s go back to the beach.  It’s time for you to start talkin’.  Whatever has
you twisted up must be pretty bad if you picked gettin’ in the water over
tellin’ me.”

“Wait. 
I…”

“Come
on.  It’s gonna be fine.  We just need to talk, ok?”

“Ok.”  I
frowned at his sweet face.

Jess
carried me back out of the water, right side up this time until he dropped me
in a disgraceful plop on the shore.  The air felt chilly after leaving the
protection of the ocean.  It was strange to think I felt safer in the deep,
tangled seaweed than talking on the wide open beach.  Jess collapsed on his
back in the sand next to me.  I smiled a sad grin.  I missed him already.

“I’m
leaving after graduation, Jess.”

The only
sound came from the waves hitting shore.  I tilted my head sideways when he
didn't respond.  The tight muscles of his jaw glinted in the silver moonlight.

“Jess…say
something.”

“When?”           

“June.  I
didn’t know how to tell you.”  My chest hurt as I spoke the words.  I didn’t
know how to explain why I had to leave him. 

“Where
are you goin’?”

“Paris.”

“How long
you gonna be there.”

“I…I…don’t
know.  It’s not a summer thing.  I’m moving there.”

“I see.” 

He rubbed
the sand off his cheeks and then pushed the damp hair off his forehead.  I
watched in fear that another word from my lips would just twist the knife
further in his heart.  “Jess?”

“I’m
sorry.  You shocked the crap out of me.  I wasn’t expectin’ you to say that
tonight.  I guess I thought you were stayin’ in Austin.”

“I know. 
I’m still in a little shock myself.”

“So you
gonna tell me what you’re doin’ in Paris?”

“Oh, well
I got into a program with the Paris School of Art.  It was my professor, Mr.
Lynch’s idea.  He helped me put a portfolio together.  I didn’t even know what
to do.  I had to get, um, recommendations and stuff.”  I fumbled, remembering
everything I had gathered from the show I won in Dallas and the other in
Houston.  Those were competitions I entered after breaking the record at
Gallery 51 by winning four times in a row.

“You’re just
takin’ a few classes then?”

“No, I
got a job too.  Everything just sort of fell into place.  Lynch has a
connection.  I’m working at this little gallery not far from campus.  His
friend Margarette is nice.  I’ve talked to her several times already.  She
helped me find an apartment.”

“You
already have an apartment?  Does your Dad know?”

“No.  I
wanted to tell you first.”

He turned
his head to look at me.  His eyes reflected the pain he felt deep inside.  “I
wish you’d told me before now.”

“I’m
sorry.  I know this hurts you.  I know even though Sadie thinks I don’t.”  I
swallowed the lump in my throat.  The more I talked, the more I felt like I was
describing my betrayal; all the hours I put into the application process; all
the hours I kept from him.  In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would
actually get accepted and have it completely paid for on my own merit.

“You’re
not hurtin’ me by wantin’ to go to Paris.  You’ve wanted this for years.  You
bought that poster at the school book fair.  Wasn’t that in seventh grade?  I’d
never seen you that excited before.  And you’re the only person in the history
of Arlis who took French.  Mother made the school get you that fancy teacher on
the video satellite just so you could learn it.  You’ve always wanted this,
Al.”

“I know
but I’m scared Jess.  I’m scared of wanting something this big and actually
getting it.  We both know what happened the last time I left.  I screwed up
everything for myself and…I screwed it up with you.”

“You’re
not the same person.  And we’re not the same either.  It’s different for us
now.  We’ll be fine.  We’ll talk.  You’ll come home for Christmas.  Probably
with some French guy with a stupid name like Jean Pierre.  I’ll hate him of
course, but we’ll be fine.”

“You
think I’ll meet someone named Jean Pierre?  Really?”

“And I’ll
be stuck in Arlis.  Maybe I should see if Ashley’s back in town.  Maybe it’s
time we became friends again.”

“Asshole!” 
I wacked his arm.  “If you hook up with Ashley again, I’ll spend every dime I
have to fly back over here, just to slap the crazy out of you in person.”

“See,” he
chuckled.  “We’ll be fine.”

“I
guess.”

“Just
don’t get all worked up.  We’re gonna be ok.” He reached over taking my hand,
linking our fingers together.  With his thumb, Jess traced circles over my
wrist that had the tattoo inked into my skin.  I still hated that permanent
reminder.  He never would say it, but he must have hated it too. 

“How will
it be different?”

“Because
you’re not that same girl tryin’ to run away from everythin’.  And well
because…I’m lettin’ you go.” 

I was
torn, hearing those words spoken out loud; the finality of the meaning.  Our
hands remained clutched together as we lay side by side, staring up at the dark
sky.  I looked over at him, but Jess didn’t look back.

“I’m
sorry, Jess,” I whispered.

“Don’t
apologize for wantin’ to do somethin’ with your life.  I’m not mad at you.  I
understand.  I really do.  So I have to let you go.”

“But I
know I’m hurting you.  I swore I would never do it again.” I fought the tears swelling
up.

He looked
at me with sad eyes.  “We grew up.  It was bound to happen one day.  I think I
always knew you weren’t comin’ back to Sprayberry.  I knew you’d go somewhere
else without me.”

“I wish
it didn’t have to be this way.”

“Al,
you’ll always be my best friend.”  He smiled sadly.  “That’s the thing with
us.  No matter what else I might have felt for you, I’ll always be here as your
friend.  So go have your dream.  Be the girl in the poster and don’t let
anythin’ here hold you back.  Live every damn minute of it.  I want you to be
happy.  It’s all I ever really wanted.”

A tear
fell down my check.  “Jess, I want you to be happy too.”

“I will. 
And no matter where you go, you’ll always have a home at Sprayberry.  You’ll
see me every time you come visit your Dad.”

“Huh?”

“Shit! 
That slipped out.  He wanted to wait to tell you himself.”

“Who tell
me what?”

“Your Dad
owns the farmhouse now.”

“What! 
How?”  I dropped his hand and sat up.  My mind scrambled to process what he was
saying to me. 

“I meant
that as a good thing.  Don’t get mad.”

“What did
they
do?”

“They? 
It was my idea.  Crap.  I shouldn’t have said anythin’.  Your Dad was gonna
tell you when we got back.”

“What did
you
do?”

“He was
talkin’ to me back in January.  He and Caroline were thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’
their own place.  The farmhouse was my idea.  I don’t think he could afford to
buy much anyway.  He’s only been payin’ a hundred a month since you moved in.”

“No.”  I
shook my head.  “He’s been paying more than that.  I know he has.”

“Alex, he
works at a hardware store in Arlis.  He had bills and debt too.”

“So you
just fixed it!”

“I think
this should’ve happened a long time ago.  Your Dad tried to work out some
payment plan but I wouldn’t let him.  It just wouldn’t have been right.  So we
signed over the house and thirty acres.  I tried to get him to take more land
but your Dad fought me on that one.”

“How
could you do something like this!”

“Well,
with Frank not bein’ quite right anymore, I can do just ‘bout anythin’ I want
at Sprayberry.  There was some legal shit involved, but I have control of his
half and I inherit the whole place when he actually dies anyway.  So I can
give…”

“No…that’s
not…what the hell have you done!  You
gave
the farmhouse and part of
Sprayberry to my father!  How could you do this without saying anything to me! 
No one told me a damn thing about it! No one asked me!”

“Alex,
please…don’t get upset.  I thought you’d be happy.”

“Oh, I’m
happy
! 
I’m happy everything happened just like that!  So easy that it didn’t need to
even involve me!”

“I’m
sorry.  I should’ve let him tell you, but just think ‘bout it.  You don’t have
to worry ‘bout your Dad anymore.  He will be fine there.  And no matter where
you go, you’ll always have a home.  That’s why I did it.   I did it for both of
you.”

“I can’t
talk about this right now.” Jumping up, I took my shirt and shoved my balled-up
fists through the sleeves.  The anger prickled my nerves as I fumbled with the
button holes.  Jess watched me, looking confused.  I pulled my cutoffs over my
lace-trimmed panties.  I took off across the sand into the darkness.

“Alex,
where’re you goin’?”

“I need
to be alone.  Don’t follow me.  Just let me go.” 

I kept
walking and never turned back to catch his answer.  My swirling emotions
controlled every step.  My father now owned part of Sprayberry thanks to the
Masons. 
Thanks to Jess!
  I needed to calm down.  This is why Paris was
important.  Any hesitation of leaving, just got obliterated.  I got this
graduate spot and job based on my own damn abilities.  I finally had a future
without the Mason name lingering on everything I touched.  I finally had
freedom from a past I could never quite shake as long as I remained here.

I kept
walking until the private beach turned into a more crowed area.  I watched the
students.  They moved in slow motion as I sat in the darkness.  They danced. 
They drank.  They partied without a single worry in their bleached, blond
heads.  Looking back up into the stars, I wished for that freedom; the ability
to let my problems fly away into the wind without a single consequence; no past
or present eating away at my soul.  I wished I could just let go of this weight
I felt on my shoulders.

I sat
under the moonlight until my clothes dried and then I took my sweet old time,
walking back to the elaborate beach house.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  The
nerves settled into the familiar acceptance of my life controlled by the
Masons.  This had to be the last time.  I said it before, but this time it had
to be true.

Walking
up the deck stairs, the boards felt rough under my bare feet.  I found Jess
sitting on a fancy, patio bench.  It was covered in some ugly, flower fabric
picked out by Mrs. Mason.  He didn’t hear my quiet steps so I stayed in the
shadows looking at him.  Jess was slumped back, staring up into the sky.  He
leaned up to take a swig from the Bud Light bottle and saw me watching from a
few feet away.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

I walked
slowly over to where he sat.  Standing in front of him, he looked up at me. 
Pure, unguarded, sadness came from his blue eyes.  It broke my heart.

“I’m
sorry, Jess.  I shouldn’t have acted that way.”

“Al, I
didn’t mean to upset you.  I just liked the idea of you always havin’ a home at
Sprayberry.  Even if you left, part of you would still be there.”

“That’s a
nice thought.”

“Why does
it all feel so final?”  He put a hand on each side of my waist and pulled me
closer between his knees.  I rested my hands on his shoulders.  “I’m gonna miss
you so damn much, Al.”

“I know. 
Me too.”

His
fingers tugged at the two buttons I fastened in my anger.  He moved the shirt
flaps away, exposing my stomach.  His hands slipped around my bare waist.  His
right thumb touched the raised, jagged scar on my side.  Slowly, he leaned
forward and placed his lips against the permanent mark.  I tensed, feeling his
breath against my stomach.  It tickled.  I felt nervous and vulnerable and
weak.

“You
still think about me every time you see it?”

“Yes,” I
whispered.  He kissed the scar again and then moved his lips up my stomach,
leaving a trail of faint marks all the way to the center of my bra.  “What are
you doing?”

“I don’t
know.  Somethin’ I shouldn’t.”

“I know.”

“Do you?
Really?” His breath floated over my skin.  “Do you know how many times I’ve
seen that stupid scar and wanted to do that?  How many times I’ve wanted to
just touch you and not have a reason to.  How many times I’ve wanted to kiss
you?”

“Are you
drunk?”

“This
would be so much easier if I was just drunk off my ass.  I’d have the guts to
just go for it and not care ‘bout the consequences.  But I’m not drunk.  I just
don’t care anymore ‘bout doin’ the right thing because you’re leavin’ me.”

“I
thought we were ok with this?  We talked about it.  You said we were fine.”

“We did. 
I said the right things.  I did the right things.  But right now, I just want
to be a stupid guy on spring break who sees a pretty girl.  All I want to do is
kiss her.  So look me in the eyes and tell me not to do it.”