The Mason List (39 page)

 “Alex,
don’t say that.”

“It’s the
truth.” A tear fell down each side of my face. 

Jess
touched my cheeks.  I no longer had the strength to push him away.  “Aren’t you
tired?  I mean aren’t you exhausted carryin’ this shit around?”

“Yes.”

“Sometimes
things just happen.  You don’t understand why.  You just have to accept it was
supposed to be that way so you can move on.”

“You want
me to just accept it?  All of it, like it was supposed to happen?”

“Yes.”

“She was
supposed
to die.  We were
supposed
to be homeless.  We were
supposed
to
come to Arlis.  I was
supposed
to meet you.”

“Alex,
whether you believe it was supposed to happen or not, it happened.  Pushin’ me
away doesn’t fix any of it.”

“I know,
ok.  I know.”

“Then how
long are you gonna keep punishin’ me for it.”

“I’m not
punishing you.  I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”

“What’s
that exactly?”

“I don’t
know anymore.  It all became too complicated.” I was exhausted.  I couldn’t
think or feel anymore.  My knees wanted to give out; too much processing in too
little time.

“I know
it’s complicated, but livin’ here again, I see you around every corner.  All
the places we’ve been at Sprayberry.  Alex, all the memories I have of this
place, include you too.  I know you never wanted to be here, but you
were
here.  And I don’t wish it was any different.  I just wish you saw it that
way.”

“I don’t
know if that’s possible.”  My eyes closed; the pressure building inside.  I
just couldn’t process it anymore.  His pleading eyes felt like knives in my
stomach.

“Come
here, Al.”  His hands touched the side of my waist, pulling me closer against
his chest.  His boots stepped forward; one on each side of my bare feet.  He
was warm.  I was cold.  He pulled my weight against him and I relaxed, feeling
his familiar curves molding to my skin.  Emotionally stripped and worn down on
the inside, I let him hold me.  I let him, once again, take care of me.

 “I love
you,” Jess whispered against my head.

“Why did
you have to go and say that?”  My arms went slack, and I backed away, pressing
myself against the wall by the closet.  The air pulled through my nose in stale
gasps.  A tremor started in my hand.  I balled my fingers in a fist to snuff it
out.  

“I’m
sorry but it’s the truth.  I know it scares you to hear it.  Hell, it probably
pisses you off too.  But, I love you, Alex.”

“Don’t
say things like that.”

“I know
all of this shit is twisted up inside of you.  I understand and I hate it too. 
I hate that you had to live it, but it happened and you can’t change it.  And I
can’t change it.”

“No, but
I can stop this with your family.  Being with you is like taking the ultimate
thing from the Masons and I can’t do that.  I can’t be with you Jess.”

“Then why
did you sleep with me before you left?  Did you really think you could just be
some random hookup?  That you’d be just some random girl to me?  It hurt,
Alex.  It hurt like hell watchin’ you act like it never happened.”

“We
promised, Jess.  No talking about it.”

“I guess
we aren’t talkin’ about last night either?  I know you were just gonna leave
again until you caught me with that paper.  Just sneak away this mornin’. 
Right, Alex?  You were just gonna sit across the dinner table eatin’ turkey. 
Just gonna look me in the eye and pretend it didn’t happen again.  Act like I
didn’t spend half the night inside of you.” 

“Damn it,
Jess.  You came to see me.  You started it.  I didn’t ask you to.”  I felt the
anger surge with the accusation and the blame.  There would be no uncomfortable
and deceptive Thanksgiving dinner if he had kept his hands to himself last
night.  If he had just got in his truck and drove back to his own damn house.

“You sure
as hell didn’t stop me and that’s my point.”

“I
thought we had an understanding.”

“An
understandin’?  One where you have sex with me and we pretend it didn’t happen
because you have deep grudge toward my family?”

“Yes! I
don’t know!”

“She’s
right.  Shit!” He laughed, shaking his head.  “Sadie’s right.  I never thought
I’d end up sayin’ it.  I’m the hopeless dumbass.”

“Sadie?”

“How’d
she put it?  ‘Jess, you are positively one of the last of your kind and that
will lead to a very destructive downfall.’”

“What the
hell did you talk about with Sadie?”

“You.  We
talked about how you’re so jacked up.  It doesn’t matter what I do or how I
feel.”  He shook his head.  “You badgered me ‘bout that party?  It drove you
crazy not knowin’ what happened.   But you couldn’t bring yourself to ask her
because you were afraid to have her rip you up.  I think you already knew. 
Didn’t you?”

“Knew
what?”

“What we
talked about.  Sadie and I never made it to the party.  We sat for hours at a
restaurant.  I think she planned it from the beginnin’.  Get me away from you
so she could hear my side of things.  Sadie asked me if I just loved you or was
in love
with you.  I said both.  I can’t really separate how I feel
anymore.  It’s just the way it is.  No end.  No beginning.  It just part of
existin’.”  His shoulders shrugged. 

“She felt
sorry for me, Al.  Sadie McAllister looked at me with those freaky shit eyes
and felt sorry for me because she didn’t see this workin’ out the way I
planned.  You were too absorbed with the past, she said.  You’d never let
yourself actually love me.  I’d never hear those words from you.  I said I
didn’t care.  It didn’t matter how long it took, or where you went, or what you
did.  I had faith that one day you’d be ready and I would be here at
Sprayberry, waitin’ for you because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  That’s how
this ends.”

His
breath came out in short bursts.  The room felt claustrophobic.  I watched him
stare back at me from across the room; my body stayed pressed against the
wall.  This was completely insane.  He really just said it; just spat that out and
unleashed a whole truck load of problems.  The thoughts tumbled around,
spitting out the only thing I could process.

“You’re
not a dumbass.”

“That’s
all you’ve got to say?” 

“No.” My
hand slid across my stomach, feeling the nervous rumbling.  “I get it.  It’s
not that simple.  You say it’s what you want but you don’t know any different. 
If you met me tomorrow as some random girl in a café, you wouldn’t feel the
same way about me.  I know you wouldn’t.”

“But I
did meet some random girl.  She was standin’ in a hallway.  I made her laugh. 
I made the random girl feel somethin’ when she was broken.  I watched her face
change.  I’ve seen it a hundred times since then.  Nothin’ makes me happier
than knowin’ I’m the one that makes her feel that way.”

“It’s not
the same.  We were kids.  You were eight.  And it wasn’t random.  That hospital
brought us together.  That damn hospital and your damn money.” 

“You
can’t change the past, Alex.  And you have no idea how bad I wish I could
change it for you.  But I can’t.  So you gotta choose to accept it or not. 
Accept me for who I am to you.  Accept what the Masons did for you.  You accept
it all or walk away.  It’s your choice.  All I have ever done is try to hold on
to somethin’ I thought was good.  Somethin’ that makes me happy.  Somethin’
that makes
you
happy if you’ll just let it.”

A beeping
noise came from inside his jeans pocket.  His blue eyes seemed annoyed as he
fished out the little phone. 

“Yup.” 
His face looked stressed as he listened to the caller.  “I’ll be there in a
few.  You get the post hole digger hitched up.  I’ll grab Reid and Bobby and
see if we can head ‘em off before they reach Prickets’.”  He nodded, “Yeah, I
know.  It’ll be hell if they scatter in that intersection.  Ok…yup.  Bye.”  He
flipped the phone shut and looked at me.

“Something
wrong?”

“Yeah,
that was Skeeter.  Some idiot took out a chunk of fence across from Landrys’
last night.  We’ve got ‘bout hundred headed down the road.” He seemed tense and
already distracted with a hundred red faces.  “Al, I gotta go.”

“I know.”

Jess
stopped in front of me; the biggest conversation of our lives remained
unsettled, like a basket of blood-soaked laundry dumped on the floor.  His
hands cupped the sides of my face; he looked troubled.  Leaning forward, Jess
acted like he would kiss me, but changed his mind and pulled away.  He left
down the hallway.  Not knowing what else to do, I followed him outside the
house.  Clinging to the post on the front porch, I felt the chill of the cold
air bite into my naked legs.  Jess opened the door to his truck.

“Al.”  He
let out a deep breath.  “There’s no use fightin’ ‘bout it when you’re just
gonna leave in a few days, and it’s just gonna hurt all over again.  Let’s just
eat some turkey and forget ‘bout it.  I know it’s what you really want.”

“You know
I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“Really? 
Then why does it feel that way?  I love you.  And you’re choosing not to love
me back.  That hurts pretty damn bad.”

“Jess…don’t.”

“Just
forget ‘bout it, Al.  I gotta go.”  Jess pulled a cowboy hat off the dash and
smashed it on his dark hair.  He climbed in the truck, slamming the door.  A
loud rumble echoed as the pipes fired up, and he was gone in a cloud of dust.

I leaned
against the rail, letting the cool air numb my trembling nerves.  I couldn’t
shake what he said.  Instead of going back in the warm house, my bare feet
paced over the wooden boards; back and forth as a cold, gust of wind flipped up
the edge of my shirt.  I stopped, feeling no relief as the anxiety built in my
chest.  His face and those words; I still heard them echoing in my head.  I saw
them floating around, almost visible in the air after being hidden for so many
years.

The
orange sun rose in a gradual assent in the sky, bringing light to Sprayberry. 
I sat my frozen thighs down on the black, wooden porch swing Caroline had my
dad install the last summer.  Letting my numb feet hang over the edge, a
feeling of peace came over me as I saw the familiar shadows change into full
color. 

I forgot
how beautiful Sprayberry was in the morning.  Words could never describe the
natural wonder and majesty of the place.  Even though I was numb from the
November wind, I sat swinging on the porch, watching the start of a new day as
the sun beams brushed the earth, like a magic wand, bringing the place to life.

My father
and Caroline pulled up in front of the house.  He got out, staring at me on the
porch.  “What are you doing, Alex?”

“I’m um,
just enjoying the morning.” My jaw shivered with the words.  He climbed the
steps and smiled at me.  Leaning over, my father gave me a tight, warm hug that
felt like a minute for every day I didn't return home.  Jess wasn’t the only
person hurt by my absence.

“You’re
cold.”

“I’m ok. 
You came back early.” 

“It’s
almost nine, Pumpkin.”

“Oh.” My
joints seemed frozen in place when I let go of his shoulders.

“Let me
grab you a blanket.”  He stepped inside the house for a moment and returned
with a brown, rugged one; a present for my father that I had bought my
sophomore year with Jeeter’s money.  I buried down beneath the soft folds.  My
dad took a seat next to me, causing it to swing with his weight.  “So when did
he leave?”

“What?” 
I swallowed hard.

“You two
are about as predictable as the sun rising each morning.”

“Oh.”  I
twisted a string on the side of the blanket around my pinky, making it turn
red.  “About six-thirty I guess.  Someone ran through the fence over by
Landrys’.”

“I see.” 
His feet kicked up, sending us back and then forward.  “So what happened that
made you sit out here, trying to freeze yourself to death?”

I pulled
the string tighter, and the tip turned purple around my Foxglove colored nail. 
“We had a fight.”

“You want
to talk about it?”

“I don’t
know.”  The thread broke releasing my finger.  “I guess he said some things I
didn’t want to hear.”

“I see.” 

Caroline
came out the door with two cups and a smile.  “Here you both go.  You need to
get some coffee in you, Alex.  Do you want another blanket?”

“No,
thank you.”

“Alright. 
I’m gonna finish making pies.  We’re supposed to be at the Masons’ at exactly
noon.”

Her tiny
frame disappeared back through the front door.  It was times like these I was
reminded of how happy I was for my father.  Caroline was a blessing in his
life.  That man was gone; the broken one that once stood in a parking lot,
needing the reassurance of an eight-year-old to survive.  Somewhere along the
way, the roles had reversed back to their rightful order.  Maybe it was
Caroline, or the Masons, or just plain time that made us come full circle. 
This morning, he was the parent, and I was the child, desperate for direction
and comfort.