The Mason List (21 page)

“Ok,
fine.  It’s your night, Al.  We can listen to crap.”

I settled
back against the tan leather, grinning. 

Jess
parked his truck in the student parking lot.  I opened my door to find him
standing next to it.  He turned around, backing his butt up against my seat.

“What are
you doing?”

“You
threw your shoes in the trash, remember?  I'm not listenin' to another bitch
fit when you step on a broken beer bottle.”

“I don't
have bitch fits.”

“Just get
on.”

I climbed
onto his back with Sadie’s short dress pushed up to my hips.  Jess pulled my
legs tight across his stomach, holding them under each knee.  Clinging to his
shoulders, I felt his warm body pressed against me, just the way I wanted to
feel him all night. 

“Ready.”

“Yeah,” I
answered next to his ear.

“Then
hold on.” Jess took off running toward the dorm entrance.  I clenched his waist
with my thighs to keep from falling.  My fingers dug into his chest as he
zig-zagged around parked cars and jumped over parking blocks.  I laughed hard
against his neck.  I laughed and it felt good.  I needed this with him. 
I
needed him.
  The thought caused me to take a deep breath of the cool air.

At the
entrance, I slide down his back to the ground.  Jess turned and looked at me. 
He was so close but yet his body didn’t touch me anymore.  My toes twisted
around next to his ostrich boots.  I took another deep breath trying to stop
what I was feeling.  I wanted his warm body against me.  I wanted to feel him
again.

 “Al…” 
He smiled that intense puckered up grin that made his whole face lit up.  “I
like it when you laugh like that.”

“Really?”

“It’s
your happy one.  I don’t hear it very often.  Not like tonight.”

“That’s
because I’m having fun tonight.”  I laid a hand on his chest as I said the
words.  His heart was beating as fast as mine.  I told myself not to touch him
but I couldn’t pull away.

“Good.” 
Jess pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear, letting his thumb touch my face. 
He brushed down my cheek to my lips.  My face flushed as he traced over the
bottom one. 

“You
smell good tonight too.  Like peaches.”

“No, I
don’t.  You just want me to smell like them because they’re orange.”

Jess
slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me against his chest.  Leaning in
close to my neck, he planted a faint, warm kiss slightly just below my jaw. 
“You’re lyin’.  I smell peaches.” 

“Maybe,”
I whispered.

Jess
pulled back enough to watch me.  His blue eyes scanned over my face and neck. 
I smiled at him, feeling the warm buzz of the moment.  It was slightly
intoxicating being wrapped up in the shadows under the street light. 

Jess
grinned then leaned forward, kissing me in the same spot again.  His soft lips
skimmed further down my neck.  I closed my eyes, letting myself feel him touch
my skin.  He was good at this.  He was good at making it seem ok.

“You
think it means less if you just kiss my neck?” I whispered.

“I don’t
know.  Does it?”

It was
innocent
, I told
myself, except my body reacted to the sound of his low voice.  It responded to
his breath floating against my neck.  It betrayed me almost as much as my heart
beating frantic in my chest.

Leaning
forward, Jess broke his promise again and kissed me lower toward my chest.  He
let his lips sit in place, scorching my skin.  Moving his fingers, he traced
along the silky fabric on my back.  Jess was touching me and kissing me and I
couldn’t think.  He made me feel things I kept locked away.  My toes curled
against the cement as I tried to get control of my feelings.  One turn of my
cheek and I could taste his sweet lips again. 

I felt
his hand dip down past my waist, tracing my butt check through the silky
fabric.  I sucked in a deep breath through my nose.  “What are you doing?” I
whispered.

“I don’t
know…I wanted to touch you all night.”

“So you
decided to just do it.”

“Yeah, I
guess.  Are you mad?”

“I…I
don’t know.”

Jess
moved his hand back to my waist.  Looking into my eyes, he smiled sweetly,
holding me against his chest.  I felt the full outline of his body through my
stupid, thin dress.  He was messing with my head tonight; messing with my body
and making it want things.

“I think
I should go back to my room.”

“Al,
wait…we could go somewhere.”

“And do
what exactly?”

His
sweet, blue eyes pierced into mine, holding me captive.  “Go drivin’…just
talk…we don’t even have to get out of the truck.  I just…I don’t want tonight
to be over yet.”

Because
Jess knew I wouldn’t let him this close again.   His eyes pleaded with me. 
Those damn blue eyes were my weakness.   I had to be strong. 

“I
can’t,” I whispered, feeling the bittersweet punch in the gut. 

His eyes
got sad, and it took a moment for him to release me.  Jess finally leaned
forward, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. “Night, Alex.”

Suddenly
set free, I watched his ostrich boots head back to the truck.  My heart beat in
a painful acceleration and I released the breath I’d failed to realize I was
holding.  Faint traces of his cologne remained in the air. 

I waited,
angry at myself, hoping he would turn around.  I was weak.  I was so weak that
I would have let Jess kiss me on the lips if he had tried.  My stomach
tightened.  I watched until his dark hair faded away into the parking lot. 

Turning
around, I walked barefoot into the dorms.  I sat down in the hallway outside my
room.  I needed him and it made me angry at myself.  I needed him the same way
I needed air…a little bit over and over again just to survive.  It was wrong. 
I shouldn’t feel this way about him.   I
couldn’t
feel this way about
him.  I refused to allow it.

After a
good amount of mental torture, I got off the floor to face my roommate.  I
opened the door to find Sadie ironing her sheets before putting them on the
bed; just another one of the OCD tendencies of Sadence McAllister.   

“You’re
so strange sometimes, Sadie.” I shook my head, watching her remove the
imaginary wrinkles from her already starched white sheets. 

 “I
wouldn’t go there unless you want to discuss the items hanging in your closet
and don’t even get me started on your pseudo-psychotic nail polish collection.”

“Ok. 
Ok.  How was…”

“Charles. 
All tie and no plan.  Complete insane and non-plausible ideas that will go
nowhere.  But he was cute.  So I listened and played civil until I thought my
brain would just self-destruct to put me out of my misery.” 

“Can't
you just discuss normal things?”

“What's
the fun in that? So where have you been?” 

“That new
French coffee place on Sixth.”

“And how
is Jess tonight?”

“Fine.” 
I stayed clear of the tell-tale eyes and fell back flat against my mattress.  I
got myself in a real mess tonight and I didn’t have the energy for her to poke
holes all through it.

“Where
are my shoes?”

“Long
story.”

“Concerning
my shoes?”

“I would
be more concerned someone your size has such big feet and can share shoes with
me.”

“
Alex…
where
are my shoes?”

“Ok, ok. 
I'll get you some more,” I muttered under my breath. “I’m sure the
Masons
can
afford a pair of your fancy, designer shoes.” 

I didn't
hear a reply.  Sitting up, I found Sadie’s hazel eyes scrutinizing my slumped
frame.  “So…” she probed.

“What!” 

“This
isn’t about shoes.”

“Let it
go, Sadie.”

“Let’s
discuss the long story.  You know the one where Jess is in love with you and
you pretend he isn’t.”

“No, it’s
not like that.”

“Alex,
that lie isn’t working anymore.  He stared at you all night.  It was a toss-up
between exorbitant pride and some broody I-want-to-take-that-dress-off stare
with those blue eyes.  A little cute actually, but you….”

“Sadie!”

“You can’t
deny it, sweetie.  Not anymore.  He’s way too transparent with his feelings.”

 “I
know,” I whispered. 

My
shoulders sagged, and I collapsed back on my bed, feeling the suffocating
pressure in my chest.  Tonight was a train wreck.  I never should have let him
touch me.  I never should have let him kiss me.  The answer to his question was
yes; his lips on the neck and skin and top of my breast was
kissing
.

“So what
made you all twisted up and full of doom and gloom with your cowboy?”

“He’s not
my
cowboy.”

“Sure,
sweetie.  Why don’t you tell yourself that little fake story and tell me the
real one.”

“I told
you it was a long.”

“I'm up
and you’re jittery, from what I assume was a monolithic cup of espresso you had
with Jess as he gazed into your eyes, which sent you into some neurotic
internal fit.  So start talking.”

“Alright,
alright.  If it will make you shut up, I’ll tell you the truth.”  I walked over
to flip off the light, launching the room into a safe darkness.  “Don’t say I
didn’t warn you when I said it was long.”

I sat
cross-legged on my bed.  My heart beat fast in my chest as I told Sadie the
ghastly story of my life.  It was the first time I ever told anyone.  I’d never
had someone I trusted enough to hear all the messy details.  When I finished, I
waited for Sadie's reaction.  I’d spent enough time in her company to know she
was processing the information.  She skipped right over the humiliating part,
where I confessed to living in my car, and went straight to the problem.

“So
you’re pretty indebted to the Masons.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, at
least you’re getting a college education from it.  You have to look at it that
way.  It defines your future.  You had no choice but to say yes, and let the
Masons send you to school here.”

“I know. 
I came to the same conclusion.”

“Here’s
something you need to think about.  People use other people for self-gain. 
Even expect handouts from others.   I think you are different.  This family
offered you a life.  It wasn't something you just expected from them.  So I
don’t think you’re using them, sweetie.”

“It
doesn’t feel that way.”  I reached for the bottle of water sitting on my night
stand.  The hour of talking left my throat dry and scratchy.  

“What do
you plan to do with your list?”

“I'm not
sure just yet.  I figured one day the answer would be standing in front of me,
or maybe screaming at me.  I don’t know.  The whole thing’s a little crazy.”

“I'm a
planner.  You knew that already.  I’m not just a Type A personality, but more
like an A plus.  I understand lists.  I have lists of lists.  Don't roll your
eyes.  It's true.  My future is in those lists.  They only work because I have
a plan.  If you intend to keep your Mason List, then you need to figure out the
goal.   Otherwise, a list without a tangible plan or purpose will hold you back
instead of moving you forward.  Something that significant will only become
mushed up nonsense in your brain, distracting you from the important decisions
in your life.  Trust me on that one, sweetie.”

“What
would you do with it?”

“I wish I
could help but it's not my life that was affected.  I didn’t make this one. 
It's your life and your list.  Only you know what resolution will give you a
sense of absolution, a sense of peace.” 

“I wish
this wasn’t so damn complicated.”

“I know,
sweetie.  But I understand now, I think.”

“You do?”

“Your
friendship with Jess is…very complex.  And since we are dissecting that
blue-eyed cowboy, is Jess as good as I think he is?”

“Sadie! 
I didn't have sex with him.  We’re not that kind of friends.” 

“I wasn't
implying that you did.  Jess is, oh, how you put it.  That boy has intensity to
his personality.  He's one of those that you just know from one kiss how the
rest will be.  I've been on that twisty road and the end was even better than
the beginning.  So was it good?”

“It
doesn't matter how he makes me feel.  There can never be more between us.  Not
with everything that happened.  Jess is a Mason, and he’s gonna take over the
ranch soon.  He will have all the power and could even kick my dad out of the
farmhouse if he wanted to.” 

“You
didn’t answer my question.”

“Fine,” I
sighed, annoyed.  “It was something I can’t even explain.  You take everything
between us.  We know each other so well.  When he kisses me, it’s like I can’t
even think straight.  His lips are so soft and then his eyes get dark and I
know…what he’s thinking.  And I can’t breathe.  Like I can’t breathe unless he
keeps kissing me…and it takes everything in me to tell him to stop.  Because
I…I can’t
do
this with him.  I can’t Sadie. 
I just can’t
.”