The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (45 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

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Until she can be tested for sexual diseases, condoms should be used if there is any possibility of it being a physical affair. If there is any possibility of pregnancy I’d advise testing that as well. This is one of those “reorient her to reality” things. It doesn't matter what she says happened because cheaters are liars and lying liars need to pee into a cup. You don't have unprotected sex until the results are in.

 

Depending on circumstance it may be worth paternity testing any and all children you have with her. If you're catching her
now
, what's to say she wasn't cheating
then
? She also needs to agree to attend marriage counseling together.

 

Choice two
– She needs to pick a divorce attorney from one of the business cards. There’s no allowable middle ground; if she can’t stop cheating she‘s made her choice and it’s over. She also should be asked to move out if she chooses option two. You shouldn’t move out of the home because once you are out, it is very difficult to move back in. If you want to move back in, she simply may not let you, and the courts may view you as having abandoned the family home, and simply award it to your wife in settlement. The party that is in the wrong should be the one to leave.

 

Then you go no contact on her unless she’s willing to do option one, or you have a divorce issue to discuss.
(27.4) Following Up

 

Usually all this should stop her in her tracks cold. When you reveal your proof of the affair, you’re going to get a huge emotional reaction…crying, screaming, wailing and even puking for a full-on remorse display. This is typically a very genuine reaction and she is not trying to lie. What happens is The Time Before Writing "Oh SHIT!" software routine gets run and she immediately becomes extremely docile and submissive to avoid being killed by a jealously enraged mate. In this moment she will be 100% believably distraught and you will probably feel moved toward forgiving her by this display. Women’s tears are proven to give off a chemical that reduces testosterone in men, so her bawling really does make you weak to her.

 

Of course that’s all a setup… what very likely will happen is that she’s going to say she’s opting for option one, and then because she is still hooked into the other man emotionally she’s going to try and wriggle out of it and continue things. She likes her dopamine and the other man is the supplier, so like a crack addict she’s going to go crawling back to him.

 

Also remember that the other man is usually doing the same dopamine roller coaster thing as well and is going to want to try and keep seeing her. Plus your darling wife probably painted you as some sort of monster/asshole/total loser to him, so he's possibly got it in his mind that he needs to rescue your wife from you on some level. It’s very important to keep them apart and out of contact.

 

At this point your surveillance is going to need to intensify in a direct face to face manner while things are being rebuilt. She will have to be completely open about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing and on a case by case basis you may have to alter some of her commitments. If this all happened via a gym membership, then she needs to find a new gym. If it happened via church group, she needs to find a new group. If it happened via online group, then she can't go back. If via her job, well this can be tricky... but if possible a new job or transfer can be very helpful. You're dealing with an addict and she still can't be trusted.
Ideally this sort of additional control is a short-term thing until her feelings subside. This may be a few months and generally I advise additional professional help with this. You will get emotionally involved and it's hard to maintain perspective without help. Also at some point you will need to relax this level of control, because the control itself will become a sticking point and cause problems. Once the in-love feelings subside and the wife sees her prior love interest in the cold hard light of day, she can often experience acute embarrassment and even revulsion for him. (I'm sure you've all experienced something similar for someone you've fallen out of love with at some point in your life).
(27.5) Expose the Affair Further if Needed
If this isn't working and she continues to have contact with him, you simply step it up to the next level. Everyone with an influence over her should see the proof of the inappropriate behavior, along with your request to ask them to talk sense into her. And by everyone I mean, her parents, her siblings, her friends... basically anyone with influence.

 

The important thing is that this isn't framed as
"Your daughter is a whore and here's proof of your little whore whoring,”
but as
"I'm willing to go to counseling and work on things, but she has refused to stop seeing him or work on this with me. I don't want to divorce her, but obviously this just can't continue. I want to save our marriage and life together, but she isn't listening to me. Can you please talk to her?"

 

Naturally if the other man has a wife or girlfriend, you inform her of everything as well. There’s no point letting him sleep easily. Seriously, screw him over as well as you can with the proof. No hitting him though... which is a pity, but there we go.
So anyway, telling everyone brings it all out into the open and into the light. If that doesn't break her cheating then nothing will and I firmly advise you to just get STD tested yourself and divorce her without flinching.

 

Do be careful about telling your own family about her cheating though. Even after you have moved on and forgiven and healed your marriage, your family will very likely hate her for all eternity and that may cause longer-term problems.
(27.6) The Other Option

 

All of this assumes that you even want to save the marriage after discovering what you uncover. These are serious choices; a knee jerk
“Kick the bitch out!”
usually ignores the difficulty of unpacking a long marriage relationship. There are children, money, house and savings to consider. It’s not an easy road no matter which you choose. Some marriages can recover from affairs both emotional and physical and end up stronger for it. Others don't. Affairs suck. I can't make the stay or go choice for you, everyone is different.
(27.7) The Aftermath

 

In the aftermath of the affair, you do need to look within you to find out what you were doing wrong in the marriage that helped create the environment for the affair. No man is perfect. Maybe there is something there that you can look back on and decide that you need to change.

 

I’m not saying you caused the affair, she did after all have the ability to choose not to be involved, but if something you did created the environment for the affair to grow, it would be stupid not to fix that.
(27.8) Trial by Facebook

 

When your wife learns of this contingency plan for dealing with her if she cheats, it’s a huge deterrent, and could be the difference between her being tempted by someone and actually jumping into his bed. It’s one thing to sneak around on a chump, but if she thinks her cheating will result in a video of her uploaded to YouTube, posted on Facebook and divorce, that’s another. One does not wish to use such nukes of course. But one does wish to have nuclear
capability.
Chapter 28
How To Choose A Wife

 

(28.1) One and Done

 

Getting married is serious business. Ideally when you get married, it’s the one marriage you have your whole life, thus “one and done”. That being the case, you’re marrying a woman not just for what she is, but also for who she will be,
decades
from now.

 

I expect most readers are already married, but for the younger men who aren’t married yet, I’ll cover here some possible ideas for what you should be looking for in a wife. Consider this aimed at a twenty-year-old, if you’re middle-aged and remarrying some of it won’t apply exactly the same. In short though… don’t just vote on her with your penis.
(28.2) Women That Aren’t Wife Material Waste Your Dating Time

 

A key problem is that most men do not go looking for a wife. They start looking for a date, and then try and turn the date into more dates, then the dates into a girlfriend, then a girlfriend into a serious relationship, and then and only then worry about whether or not to bridge the relationship into marriage. Of course by then you may be realizing you’ve been backing the wrong horse as what was great for a few dates (that would be tits, ass and easy pussy) isn’t always the best woman for a lifetime together.
If you’re really looking for a wife, kids, the PTA, ER visits, Thanksgiving Dinners, a joint bank account and someone who will hold your hand until the last minute as they push your bed into surgery, then you need to start with that somewhat in mind. By all means date around, but when you start to see major red flags, just stop dating them and move on. If you’re dating within any sort of coherent social group and you are passing on women because you are
“looking for a woman with wife material”
that will likely make all the women in that group sit up and take notice of you.

 

The truth is that men willing to commit to a woman in this day and age are in short supply, and by being willing to express interest in commitment, your value goes even higher. You might land a highly attractive woman simply because you were willing to commit to marriage, when supposedly better men than you were available to her.

 

So start with the end in mind rather than blundering into things just because you can get laid.
(28.3) Height and Weight Proportional

 

Something to be aware of is her being height and weight proportional. A twenty year old carrying an extra thirty pounds might be bubbly and voluptuous, but it can reveal an inability to exercise self-control. An extra thirty pounds at age twenty can turn into an extra hundred pounds within a year of having the first baby. That’s a decidedly different effect on your sexual interest in her.

 

The old trick is to look at her mother and older sisters if she has them. If there’s a family pattern you can pick up on, then that’s probably what you should expect to happen with your potential wife as well.

 

If you are unsure of what to do on this front, simply go for a woman with A, B or C cup breasts. Young women who have D cups before ever getting pregnant tend to start morphing larger and larger, Miss D Cup at twenty-two is Mrs. EE Cup at forty-two and her back always hurts and she’s cranky from the pain half the month. Her ass is wide as well. Be advised.

 

The general expectation you should have is that a woman is going to go up a bra cup size after having her first baby. Also, you should expect that she immediately gains around fifteen pounds after the wedding. She does that because her body is laying in a calorie store to prepare for a possible pregnancy. It’s actually an expression of positive sexual interest in you.
(28.4) Non-Smoker

 

Smoking is a nasty habit and a serious health risk. The woman that smokes will age much faster and become less sexy quickly. She may be pretty at twenty-five, but by forty the wrinkling is getting pretty bad. Also you risk lower weight babies and birth defects if she can’t stop during pregnancy.

 

Women that smoke smell so powerfully bad, that it overrides even their own sense of smell and much of sexual attraction is smell based. Imagine that your wife can’t even smell your pheromones over the smell of her own cigarettes, how is she going to react to you sexually? Badly that’s how.

 

People that smoke just die earlier. If you’re signing up for 50+ years together with a non-smoker, it’s really like 35+ years with a smoker with the last five to ten years being them dying by degrees in front of you, and then you living alone and sad as your kick off to retirement.

 

Because smoking is such an obvious health risk, her inability to stop smoking reveals a great deal about her lack of self-control. That’s a major red flag right there. I know this seems harsh, but as soon as you see a woman light up a cigarette, just cross her off the list and move on.
(28.5) Reasonably Beautiful

 

There’s really no good way to spin this, but yes indeed looks very much do matter. You should be trying to find the most physically attractive woman you can marry. Being physically attractive is a great marker for the ability to have healthy babies and seeing you’re getting married, you’re far better off having healthy children than unhealthy ones. To be sure there is an element of luck with health, but a physically attractive wife is a major influence on birth outcomes.

 

Good skin tone, long healthy hair, good teeth… these are all absolutely
not superficial
things to be concerned about. We aren’t all going to marry supermodels and even the prom queen is out of reach for all but a few. Just look for someone that is as attractive as you can reasonably get and
who cares about her appearance
. It’s okay to want her to be attractive as a requirement.

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