The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (43 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
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Also you’re assuming that the other woman isn’t going to turn nutty on you and call your wife up. In fact if the other woman thinks she has a chance at being the new Mrs. You, she might actively seek to end your marriage by revealing the affair to you wife. I mean if she’s a 6, and you’re an 8… wouldn’t wrecking your marriage for a shot at having you permanently be…
smart?
smart?
(26.2) Facilitating Her Affair
One thing that constantly surprises me is how frequently a husband plays an active role in creating an environment where his wife is tempted to cheat on him. If you constantly leave your wife alone with a man she finds attractive, there are fairly logical consequences that could kick in. Some examples I’ve come across:
One -
The wife strikes up a friendship with the builder working on the neighbor’s house and this goes on for several weeks. They both have a mutual and clear attraction for each other and the husband becomes aware of it and is uncomfortable with it. His solution… “Not to show fear” and he asks the builder to remodel the kitchen in his house. Now the stay-at-home wife and the builder are alone in the same house for a couple of weeks. So in this case the husband actually
paid
a guy to be around for a potential affair.
The wife strikes up a friendship with the builder working on the neighbor’s house and this goes on for several weeks. They both have a mutual and clear attraction for each other and the husband becomes aware of it and is uncomfortable with it. His solution… “Not to show fear” and he asks the builder to remodel the kitchen in his house. Now the stay-at-home wife and the builder are alone in the same house for a couple of weeks. So in this case the husband actually
paid
a guy to be around for a potential affair.
Two -
The husband has a younger body builder friend who is a known player. Yet he continues to see this friend frequently - with his wife in tow -
and
often has him over to the house. When his wife starts to lose a ton of weight and dress sexier, the husband just thinks it’s great and loves it, but too late he discovers that the weight loss was not for his benefit… but his friend’s. The communication between wife and friend all happened behind the scenes via Facebook.
The husband has a younger body builder friend who is a known player. Yet he continues to see this friend frequently - with his wife in tow -
and
often has him over to the house. When his wife starts to lose a ton of weight and dress sexier, the husband just thinks it’s great and loves it, but too late he discovers that the weight loss was not for his benefit… but his friend’s. The communication between wife and friend all happened behind the scenes via Facebook.
Three -
The husband opens his home for three months to a young specialist sports coach from another state. The husband is at work all day and the coach works at night running sports practices. But all day the coach and the wife are home together. The husband finds out about the affair when the coach, the wife and all four of his children are at a water park together. He was the last to know.
The husband opens his home for three months to a young specialist sports coach from another state. The husband is at work all day and the coach works at night running sports practices. But all day the coach and the wife are home together. The husband finds out about the affair when the coach, the wife and all four of his children are at a water park together. He was the last to know.
Four -
This one is so common it’s insane – the husband takes in his “best friend” for a couple of months to help his friend out. Fast forward a few months and the best friend takes the wife, the kids and the house… which was his plan from the beginning. Absolutely do not trust another man not to make a move on your wife, no matter what he says about loyalty, honor or the right thing to do. Men will say nearly anything to get access to the good pussy.
This one is so common it’s insane – the husband takes in his “best friend” for a couple of months to help his friend out. Fast forward a few months and the best friend takes the wife, the kids and the house… which was his plan from the beginning. Absolutely do not trust another man not to make a move on your wife, no matter what he says about loyalty, honor or the right thing to do. Men will say nearly anything to get access to the good pussy.
In short, when you frequently leave your wife alone with an attractive man,
you’re running an isolation play for his benefit.
If he has any sense of confidence he’ll start making moves on her, and sometimes a wife will rationalize that you have essentially given permission by setting the situation up like this. Be warned.
you’re running an isolation play for his benefit.
If he has any sense of confidence he’ll start making moves on her, and sometimes a wife will rationalize that you have essentially given permission by setting the situation up like this. Be warned.
(26.3) Doing Nothing About Her Interest in Another Man
Don’t make the mistake of viewing your wife becoming seriously interested in another man as a Fitness Test. By playing it cool and unaffected you can effectively defuse a real Fitness Test, but the same approach with a serious potential competitor is the complete
opposite
of what you need to do.
opposite
of what you need to do.
Recapping some of the Body Agenda chapter quickly... many women are attracted to dominant men and enjoy feeling excited when they are reacting to such a man. Women who lack stimulation feel bored and can create a Fitness Test for their man to pass. Once he passes the test, she enjoys her own body producing the dopamine hormone and feels attracted and stimulated again.
Men pass Fitness Tests best by not over-reacting to them. The tactics of reframing the test so that it seems silly, responding with humor, responding with boyish sexual interest or just saying "No" work very well. (Remembering that simply her asking you to do something isn't always a test. It's a test when she is asking you to allow her to treat you badly, or have her gain something at your expense.)
By not feeding into the test and over-reacting to her, you retain the locus of control in the relationship and she, despite the initial upset at being denied her request, ultimately responds with attraction to your display of dominance.
However, when another guy is starting to make traction on her, she’s starting to get a dopamine reaction to
him.
So she’s not actually bored anymore, so she’s not trying to get you to do anything for her. What she actually wants you to do is get out of the way and leave her alone with him.
him.
So she’s not actually bored anymore, so she’s not trying to get you to do anything for her. What she actually wants you to do is get out of the way and leave her alone with him.
So if your approach is to generally show that you are unaffected by her and take a view that you'll just display higher value instead of taking direct action, that just gives her more room to interact with the other guy.
The classic line given by cheating partners early on is a request for "space.”
So if she asks for space and you give it to her, what you think is her “alone time” is in fact a beeline to the other man. Any time you hear a request for "space" you need to immediately figure out if you're being clingy, or if she is up to something; either way, it's bad.
The classic line given by cheating partners early on is a request for "space.”
So if she asks for space and you give it to her, what you think is her “alone time” is in fact a beeline to the other man. Any time you hear a request for "space" you need to immediately figure out if you're being clingy, or if she is up to something; either way, it's bad.
She may or may not be having sex with the new guy. She might just be hanging out…many intense relationships outside of marriage can go months or even years before turning sexual. Some never turn sexual but can do damage just the same. The energy that could have gone into making your marriage more enjoyable gets diverted and lost into another one. An emotional affair can end a marriage just as a physical affair can. Once she starts getting her addictive dopamine fix from him, a few harmless little meetings can snowball into a full-fledged crush and obsessive thinking over him, despite being married to you.
Back in the Time Before Writing, the textbook method of dealing with a man interested in your woman would have been a spear tip shoved repeatedly into his chest. Or maybe using an early Ninjitsu technique and smashing his head in with a rock while he slept. This still retains some appeal today, but it generally results in extended jail terms, and while you're inside your wife will probably divorce you and hook up with someone else anyway. So the idea of putting Mr. Loverboy in a burlap sack and playing Home Run Derby is tempting, but not really a good one.
Likewise, if you use violence on her, which could be regarded as something as simple as pushing her off the top of him, you may find yourself punted into the court system. So violence, despite its natural appeal, is a poor solution for the modern man.
The solution is that the relationship with the other man needs to be interrupted as best you can. Plain English – you have to cockblock him. The longer you let it go on, the worse things get. You need to very firmly and clearly intervene and make it clear that she is risking the marriage. She either has to break it off, or get out. (If she’s actually cheating, I cover your response in the next chapter.)
(26.4) Blindly Believing She Would Never Cheat
A few too many men put their wives up on a pedestal so high that they lose sight of the fact that she is flesh and blood rather than a divine creature. You really have to break your mind of the illusion that when she’s done taking a bath, the church comes over and takes it away as holy water. She’s a normal human being and we all have our price point where we become capable of almost anything.
Trust her enough that you don’t climb up her ass trying to find out where she is every minute of the day. Just don’t be blind about her being a normal woman with sexual desires. If you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right, don’t just rationalize it away. Trust, but verify.
(26.5) Believing that You Are Soulmates
While Jennifer and I have a wonderful relationship, I don’t see her as my soulmate. She’s my
wife
, which is a far more powerful and meaningful thing.
wife
, which is a far more powerful and meaningful thing.
With a soulmate there is a sense of powerlessness that goes along with it. We
just are
soulmates, it
just is
magical, it’s so
effortless together
, we
just know
what the other is thinking, and we were
just drawn
to each other. It’s as if the relationship has a power all of its own and the couple involved are passengers in that relationship. It’s a wonderful experience, but it relies on the strength of the hormonal attraction to sustain the relationship.
just are
soulmates, it
just is
magical, it’s so
effortless together
, we
just know
what the other is thinking, and we were
just drawn
to each other. It’s as if the relationship has a power all of its own and the couple involved are passengers in that relationship. It’s a wonderful experience, but it relies on the strength of the hormonal attraction to sustain the relationship.
With a husband and wife though, there’s an active sense of empowerment that goes along with it. If there is magic,
we made that
together, if we know what the other is thinking, it is
because we have
listened to each other, if we have a special bond together, it is because
we have
gone to each other and joined. We drive the relationship and direct it. It’s a little more rational in approach.
we made that
together, if we know what the other is thinking, it is
because we have
listened to each other, if we have a special bond together, it is because
we have
gone to each other and joined. We drive the relationship and direct it. It’s a little more rational in approach.
Being in a soulmate experience is more typical at the start of a relationship and is a heady experience. Let’s just call it what it is – it’s two people crushing on each other. It’s all hormones and biology. The experience is amazing and some people crave that like a drug… which... is probably because
it is a drug,
and the drug is called dopamine. Being a husband or a wife, though, is about creating a long term, meaningful, deep, emotional pair bond. It’s less dramatic, less in your face, but it’s vitally important and smooth and deep in flavor.
it is a drug,
and the drug is called dopamine. Being a husband or a wife, though, is about creating a long term, meaningful, deep, emotional pair bond. It’s less dramatic, less in your face, but it’s vitally important and smooth and deep in flavor.
Accept that crushes for each other, or even other people, are temporary and erratic. They can spring up from nothing, burst over you for a moment and then be gone. They can simmer quietly in the background for years, or suddenly fizzle out. They can ebb and flow as mine does with Jennifer. Up and down and around and around. I still crush on her after all this time and then I don’t. And then I do. (Jennifer is the stable one in our relationship; I'm the more random one.)
However, as long as you are being actively good to each other, the pair bond will strengthen over time. I can hardly remember life before Jennifer. It’s like she was always a part of me. I halfway expect to go back to the photos of me before we met and still see her with me somehow.
One of the reasons I am so serious about couples having regular sex – even below average sex, is that sex is one of the most potent ways to strengthen and maintain the pair bond you have together. Half the reason long distance relationships fail is that you can’t have sex with each other and maintain the chemistry exchange program together.
If you keep the sexual frequency high and keep being good to each other, you will likely experience crushes on one another more often. Crushes are a neurochemical reaction in your brain most likely designed as a Mate Replacement Program hold-over from The Time Before Writing. If you are in constant intimate contact with your wife, when the Mate Replacement Program gets run, she can be the best option available to you and so you experience a crush on her again.
If you aren’t in such frequent intimate contact with your wife, maybe your Body Agenda decides someone else might make a better prospect for a sexual relationship. Which explains why “fairly happily married you”, suddenly has this epic crush on the hot young girl with the perfect breasts that serves you coffee at Dunkin Donuts.
If you rely on the feeling of being soulmates and need that emotional “in love” high all the time, eventually it’s going to cut out on you and not be there. You may have a perfectly functional relationship end, simply because one of you doesn’t feel in love anymore. In love feelings can be very temporary and erratic, so a relationship based on them alone can burn brightly for a time, but then blink out of existence. This stuff happens and it’s a completely normal biological event.
Quite often, the entire concept of a soulmate is just the Rationalization Hamster justifying taking action that someone’s Body Agenda suggested. If your wife ever says that she feels another man is her soulmate, take that extremely seriously.
(26.6) Playing with Non-Monogamy
I’m going to lump in cuckolding, swinging and polyamory as essentially all the same thing. I’m sure devotees of all three varieties of non-monogamy would feel uncomfortable with that, but all three boil down to legitimizing women having sex with multiple men with their primary partner’s consent. In none of the three groups is there any sense that a woman could be forced into a sex act that she didn’t want and the men in those groups only get to have sex by the choice of the women.
So while I don’t have a particular
moral
concern about people engaging in consensual sex, there are obvious
practical
dangers to your marriage when a man more attractive than you has sex with your wife. If you’re a 7 and you go to a swing party and your wife has sex with a 9, there’s a good chance that she’ll get a huge rush and start to develop an attachment to the other man. After all, this is exactly what her Body Agenda would want to happen.
moral
concern about people engaging in consensual sex, there are obvious
practical
dangers to your marriage when a man more attractive than you has sex with your wife. If you’re a 7 and you go to a swing party and your wife has sex with a 9, there’s a good chance that she’ll get a huge rush and start to develop an attachment to the other man. After all, this is exactly what her Body Agenda would want to happen.
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