The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (21 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

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But mostly the person you're disciplining is
you.
(9.10) Controlling the Kids

 

Back in the day we used a technique of letting our girls choose what they wanted to do. That sounds very permissive, except for the fact that we completely defined the choices offered to them. Seeing both offered options were acceptable to us, it didn’t matter what they choose to do. A little kid isn’t going to be aware of the manipulation going on and will feel a sense of empowerment from making the choice.

 

Sometimes the options offered were a choice between two good things; a walk in the mall and a pretzel… or… go to the park and get an ice cream.

 

Other times the options were far more behavioral; be mad and stay home… or… be a good girl and go to the park.

 

See how that works? I’m just not taking a misbehaving child into public. If she wanted to be a cranky shit weasel, we’d do that at home thanks very much. You’d be surprised how even a two-year-old can turn around a tantrum if they are missing out on swings and ice cream from the ice cream truck. I swear the ice cream truck had GPS tagged my kids as he never failed to show up when we were at the park.

 

We also purposely and somewhat randomly rewarded good behavior.
“You know what? You girls have been being so good, LET’S GO THROUGH THE CAR WASH!”…
They don’t fall for that one anymore which is a real pity. Simple praise works wonders.
“Thank you girls for being good back there, I’m very proud of you.”

 

Upon a handful of occasions they really did have a complete public melt down. Daughter #1 had a tantrum in the supermarket and was removed by me to the car where we did
not
listen to the radio. Jennifer and daughter #2 finished the shopping. Daughter #1 had a second outburst a month later in the supermarket and we repeated the removal process. Daughter #2 went berserk in California Pizza Kitchen and I removed her from the restaurant as she sobbed openly on my chest. Outside the restaurant she was given a final choice to behave or sit in the car while Jennifer and Daughter #1 ate pizza. She pulled it together and we all had a pleasant meal.

 

About two-and-a-half years later Daughter #1 started acting out in Old Navy… and it’s off to the car we go… she had this odd look of remembrance as off we went. “
No radio huh, dad.”
Nope, no radio. She still hates Old Navy to this day.

 

There was also the night where we broke Daughter #1 of her demands to be entertained in the middle of the night when she was about one-and-a-half. She’d stand up in her crib and flip the light on and call us. I kid you not. The night we broke her of this, I checked on her, ensured she was in good health et al, and then left her in the crib No entertainment. That cued up about 90 minutes of her wailing and flipping the light on and off and generally screaming in outrage as Jennifer wept in my arms. Next night she slept right through. At least I think she did, I’m a heavy sleeper. But I slept through and that’s all that really counts anyway. So job well done.

 

As I said earlier, when you discipline one kid, you’re actually disciplining all of them. Daughter #1 got yanked from the store three times, daughter #2 tried it once and decided the rules also applied to her and toed the line from then on. The message was clear, bad behavior was not going to be tolerated in our family. In all five critical behavioral incidents, I was the parent that really laid down the intervention. There is very little that gets a wife wetter than watching her husband correctly discipline their children.
(9.11) Act, Don’t React

 

There’s usually minimal need for raised voices and certainly no need for hitting in a family. Staying calm and clear and
acting
in the moments of crisis and family drama, rather than
reacting,
is a key skill to learn. This takes a long time for anyone to learn and I don’t believe I’m perfect at it either. Sometimes you just have to say that your emotions are getting the best of you and you need to step out of the situation until you are calm.

 

Sometimes what you do in the heat of the moment is worse than the actual event that sets you off. When you come back to address whatever the drama is, your guide is “
What would a mentally together person do in this situation?”
Then do that, even if you’re still feeling a little crazy about it all.
(9.12) Sit at the Head of the Table

 

Possibly the simplest Alpha/Family Dominance move ever is to sit at the head of the table during dinner. It's a simple move, but it works by framing you as the leader of the family. Sitting at the head of the table = Alpha Male of the Group = Captain. Everyone else at the table is de facto stating their social deference to you wittingly or not. After a few months of stating deference to someone, it tends to become internalized.
I love it when Jennifer sits to my immediate right. She's close enough to touch from shoulder to waist and she can lean toward me. I've noticed that the last few times we've been out together we've been seated at wide tables and we're physically far away from each other, thus defeating the point of a romantic dinner. Our own dining room table is more intimate. I'd much rather sit together than opposite each other any day.
Plus how can you squeeze her thigh when you're sitting opposite her without looking completely awkward?
(9.13) At Work?

 

Just underlining this point again – I’m outlining a husband and wife relationship rather than all men and all women. Acting like a Man-Bear-Pig at work isn’t the idea at all. I work with a ton of women, I supervise some, I’m peers with some and I’ve
always
been supervised by women. Currently my job assignment is being part of a team of just two people and of that pairing she’s the “Captain” and
I’m
the “First Officer.” First Officer isn’t a demeaning role.
It’s how we get things done as a team.

 

I certainly don’t pretend to be female or “blend in” by being silent. I used to be like that, but I’ve moved on from that well and truly. There’s not much question in anyone’s mind that I’m male at work and I play up that angle as an advantage as best I can.

 

But it would be just stupid trying to do a Ten Second Kiss on my boss, as try to pretend she should really submit to me. I’m not trying to have a sexual relationship with these women… I’m at work.
Chapter 10
Be a Nice Guy with a Hard Edge

 

 

(10.1) The Betaization Trap

 

The basic trap with getting married is that you give up doing too much of the Alpha trait things and begin to do nothing but Beta trait things instead. The Beta stuff is all very good, don’t misunderstand that. I’ve covered in the Beta chapter the importance of cooking, nest management and playing with the kids. That’s all true and helpful, but I’m not turning this book into a cookbook or advice on laundry softeners because I think any adult can figure that stuff out for themselves. If you stop doing the Alpha and focus only on the Beta, you become Betaized.

 

Most husbands charge into the Betaization Trap like lemmings. After all, everyone in the world told them that marriage was about “settling down” and being obedient husbands. Being married is about teamwork and being helpful to one another. There’s a house to run and babies to tend. She’s asking him to do things for her and the kids, and she gets upset if he doesn’t help out the way she wants him to. Everyone says that husbands should help out, but fast forward a few years and “the man” is getting chewed out because the vacuuming wasn’t done right. Somewhere along the way he turns into her kitchen bitch/roommate. And you know if she’s screaming at you about vacuuming, it’s a bad sign of sexual disinterest.
“The house is a mess and my vagina is angry at you!”

 

The Betaization Trap is that by trying to do everything possible to make her happy and being endlessly nice to her, you undo what created her initial attraction to you, so she falls out of love and loses sexual interest. Most men never understand this until it is too late and she gives him the
“I love you but I’m not in love with you”
speech, which also usually means she is already having sex with someone else.

 

By being endlessly nice you are displaying low value to her. By repeatedly doing what she wants you are broadcasting to her,
“I think my Sex Rank is lower than yours, so you’re in charge of this relationship."
So if she’s an 8, your catering to her constantly makes her think that you are a 6 or 7. If you married her as an 8 or 9, she was probably extremely hot for you sexually and followed your lead. Once married though, your behavior changed to cater to her, resulting in your nerfing your own Sex Rank; so she falls out of love with you.

 

The problem of Betaization is also caused in no small part by wives setting ridiculous tasks for their husbands… in order to test them.
(10.2) Fitness Tests

 

Periodically women Fitness Test (a.k.a. Shit Test) men. This can be quite purposeful and conscious testing, or it can be unconscious testing that just springs up from seemingly nowhere. The simplest variant is when she suddenly just
feels
something negative and the man must
do
something to alter the way she
feels
to something more positive.
“Well I don’t feel like you really care about me, why can’t you bring me flowers once in a while?”
On one level it seems a reasonable request, but the language is one of manipulation. I feel a negative emotion (unloved) so you must complete a task (get me flowers) so I can feel a positive emotion (happy).

 

These tests start fairly small, but over time they can grow larger and more demanding. The obvious intervention here is for the man to jump up and comply with her request, and this may appease her at first. If the husband runs out and gets flowers for her, she is happy for a few minutes, but then it can intensify.
“I don’t like that I have to ask you for flowers, why can’t you just bring them to me without my asking for them?”

 

Fitness Testing is the female equivalent of a sonar ping to determine social status. In general, those of lower social status defer to those of higher social status. Women are hypergamous in their sexual attraction, so they are seeking their mate to be higher social status than they are. So when the male suddenly jumps up and complies with her request and seeks to appease her, he is deferring to her and demonstrating lower social status relative to hers. While her minor inconvenience for the moment is taken care of, she becomes less happy with him because she finds him less attractive.

 

I first really ran into Fitness Tests with my first serious girlfriend Mary. It started off small, first she was late... and I tolerated it. Then she was nagging... and I listened. Then something about me wasn't quite right... and I changed it. Then she was really late... and I tolerated it more. Then we just had to go to this horrible dance club... and I dragged myself there. Then we could do this and not that... I said okay. She nagged on and on and on and it just seemed to endlessly build.

 

Being clueless, I stuck to my game plan of being nice and after three months of getting the mixed messages of physical affection and disrespect... I flipped out completely and dumped her. Then I was very sad for about 18 months getting over her. For those kind readers who periodically ask where was I twenty years ago with the info I have on the blog... well that's where I was twenty years ago. Dumping my girlfriend in frustration and just bawling about it. A Kodak Moment...

 

If I knew everything back then that I know now, Mary and I might still be together. I think there was real love there on both sides, it’s just that she repeatedly tested me and I failed every time. In the end when I bumped back on her and stood my ground, I did it way too hard and destroyed the relationship. Probably all I really needed to do early on in the relationship was to semi-playfully swat her on her ass a couple times and tell her to stop being a brat; tease her a little. In the aftermath of the breakup she admitted
she had been testing me
on purpose
, but was too hurt to try again for fear of my nuking the relationship again. We both did it wrong.

 

Fortunately, I've since learned to give a few playful swats on the ass and tease back a little. That's seriously about half the battle right there.
(10.3) How Do You Pass a Fitness Test?

 

You just say
“No.”
Then you don’t give in to her intensifying reaction to the
“No.”
It’s really exactly the same sort of thing that happens with a kid crying for candy in the supermarket. When you say
“No.”
to a kid crying for candy, the crying always gets louder and more emotional as they try to break your resolve. The solution is to just pay for your food and walk to the car; the kid has to follow.

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