The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (20 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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We often do grocery shopping together. After one of our recent trips, when we came out of the store and I said I wanted coffee, I got an
“Oh that sounds good”
and off we went. We went through McDonald’s and got coffee and had a Filet-of-Fish each. I get a
“this was a fabulous idea”
from her. It sounds too easy – a ten minute, five dollar detour on the way home, but she’s made happy by this.
“Oh that sounds good”
and off we went. We went through McDonald’s and got coffee and had a Filet-of-Fish each. I get a
“this was a fabulous idea”
from her. It sounds too easy – a ten minute, five dollar detour on the way home, but she’s made happy by this.
At first all this confused me, but it was hard to argue with the obvious results. All I can say is that we did not cover this sort of positive female reaction in my Sociology of the Family course in college. Oh yeah, did I mention I have a degree in being non-dominant towards women? True story.
(9.3) The Captain and First Officer Model
Jennifer is certainly not mindless. She’s not sitting at my feet as I write with a leash and a collar. She doesn’t just sit around and wait for direction. She’s actually one of the most competent people I know. I’m not going to spell out what she does for work, but I can assure you she is extremely talented and a vital resource for her company. She’s a smart lady.
I’ve come to understand our personal relationship as being a Captain and First Officer relationship. And yes I first thought of this as a Star Trek metaphor (I don't dress up for conventions, I just like the shows) though it's basically standard for commercial airliners and military chain of command. The Wikipedia summary of a First Officer is short and perfect...
"In commercial aviation, the first officer is the second pilot (sometimes referred to as the "co-pilot") of an aircraft. The first officer is second-in-command of the aircraft, to the captain who is the legal commander. In the event of incapacitation of the captain, the first officer will assume command of the aircraft.
Control of the aircraft is normally shared equally between the first officer and the captain, with one pilot normally designated the "Pilot Flying" (PF) and the other the "Pilot Not Flying" (PNF), or "Pilot Monitoring" (PM), for each flight. Even when the first officer is the flying pilot, however, the captain remains ultimately responsible for the aircraft, its passengers, and the crew. In typical day-to-day operations, the essential job tasks remain fairly equal.”
I’ve always liked the dynamic on the Star Trek series between Captains and First Officers. It’s quite apparent that the First Officer is always competent and skilled, and if anything happens to the Captain, they step into the role of being in command immediately. The Captains always listen because sometimes the First Officer has a better idea than their own. Picard endlessly seeking input from Riker, saying
“Options Number One?”
springs to mind.
“Options Number One?”
springs to mind.
Sometimes the First Officer actually overrules the Captain in a crisis and gives the crew an order. The Captain usually just trusts that the First Officer isn’t doing this to make trouble and runs with it. But at the end of the day, the Captain is the Captain and the leadership comes from them and final responsibility for the ship lies with them. If it all goes to hell the Captain is last off the ship, usually with the dramatic effect of having to stay behind and push the red button
on yet one more
auto-destruct system that has a malfunction. (I don’t think those things are safe.)
on yet one more
auto-destruct system that has a malfunction. (I don’t think those things are safe.)
(9.4) Wives want to be the First Officer
My realization is that most wives want the First Officer job. Not Crewman Third Class, but not Captain either. They want to have a say and be heard, they want to be trusted, they don’t want to be micro managed on decisions they are capable of making themselves, they can happily step it up into
“having the bridge”
when their husbands aren’t available. They just would rather be the second in command and follow someone else’s leadership and general direction.
“having the bridge”
when their husbands aren’t available. They just would rather be the second in command and follow someone else’s leadership and general direction.
The challenge for the husband is to not go into marriage as a Redshirt waiting for the deathblow. The old joke being if Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down to an alien planet with an unknown actor in a red Starfleet uniform, the guy in the red shirt is going to be killed in the first act. If that’s what you expect from marriage, that’s what you’ll get.
Husbands shouldn’t go into marriage and attempt to simply be a member of the crew. If the husband is lazy and declines to fulfill the Captain position, the wife will likely try and assume a First Officer role. But if she takes the First Officer role with an endlessly off duty Captain, that will make her the de facto Captain. That’s going to piss her off. He can even do everything she wants and asks him to do, but by submitting to her perfectly, that can actually anger and disappoint her more and more. Most men find this extremely confusing.
(9.5) Being the Captain Means Being More Responsible
With Jennifer and myself, we each have different areas that we specialize in and basically have complete control over. Sometimes I
“have the bridge”
and sometimes she does. We do talk together about the big decisions before us, but looking back over our marriage I can see that the majority of our direction and big decisions have ultimately been mine with Jennifer supporting me. I’ve not always been right. Sometimes I’ve been quite badly wrong. But even when I’ve been wrong, badly wrong, Jennifer somehow manages to stay supportive. I don’t quite understand how she does that. I’ve come to be awed by that support. I don’t fully understand it, but I am honored that it is there.
“have the bridge”
and sometimes she does. We do talk together about the big decisions before us, but looking back over our marriage I can see that the majority of our direction and big decisions have ultimately been mine with Jennifer supporting me. I’ve not always been right. Sometimes I’ve been quite badly wrong. But even when I’ve been wrong, badly wrong, Jennifer somehow manages to stay supportive. I don’t quite understand how she does that. I’ve come to be awed by that support. I don’t fully understand it, but I am honored that it is there.
And like Uncle Ben says in “Spiderman”,
“With great power, comes great responsibility.”
As the husband, I believe I have a greater responsibility for the safety and well being of my wife and children than my wife has. Simply being in charge doesn’t mean you get to have what you want all day every day at home. I very frequently try and make sure Jennifer gets what she wants and needs for herself.
“With great power, comes great responsibility.”
As the husband, I believe I have a greater responsibility for the safety and well being of my wife and children than my wife has. Simply being in charge doesn’t mean you get to have what you want all day every day at home. I very frequently try and make sure Jennifer gets what she wants and needs for herself.
So… Captain and First Officer. That’s my theory for male dominance and female submission in marriage. Maybe not in yours, but in ours it seems to really work for both of us. There are hardly any of those mutual submission battles anymore. I just decide to do what I want more often, and I know what she likes quite well and a good portion of the time I decide we do that. Upon the rare occasions she complains, I might reach for the playful verbal nuke...
“Captains prerogative Number One.”
“Captains prerogative Number One.”
One thing to watch for is other women picking up on your dominant sexual vibe. It does not hurt at all to think of your wife as your Number One. After all, that is ultimately what she is to you.
(9.6) How do you Know if Your Wife is Submissive?
You start asking reasonable requests of her and say thank you when she does them. If she does them and looks generally happier after the tasks, she’s probably got a submissive streak in her. The key phrase there was
“reasonable requests.”
You need to stop thinking of submissive as “groveling female.” It’s not. If she likes playing the help and support role… she’s probably submissive.
“reasonable requests.”
You need to stop thinking of submissive as “groveling female.” It’s not. If she likes playing the help and support role… she’s probably submissive.
If she does nice stuff for you without asking, she’s probably submissive. Especially if she’s trying to predict something you will need before you realize you need it, and just does it for you. If she offers to be constantly sexually available to you and she reads romance novels of any kind, it’s a fair bet she’s submissive as well.
You can also try some small moments of dominance on her and watch her reactions to it.
“We’re going to the movies/dinner/out/whatever”
and just assume it’s all going to happen. If she’s acting more interested and attentive to you because of your dominant display, she’s probably submissive. You don’t have to turn into the boss of everything overnight and micromanaging anyone is tediously annoying to both parties. Just start setting the tone once in a while and watch and see how she reacts.
“We’re going to the movies/dinner/out/whatever”
and just assume it’s all going to happen. If she’s acting more interested and attentive to you because of your dominant display, she’s probably submissive. You don’t have to turn into the boss of everything overnight and micromanaging anyone is tediously annoying to both parties. Just start setting the tone once in a while and watch and see how she reacts.
(9.7) Where Do I Find a Submissive Wife?
I get asked this a lot… so here’s the answer.
You’re missing the point just a little. A very large number of women tend to desire an element of submission to their male sexual partner. So submissive women don’t really hang out anywhere in particular, they’re basically everywhere. If you want a rough guide, probably 4 out of every 5 women are going to enjoy submitting to the
right
guy.
right
guy.
The way you find your particular sweetheart is not by seeking a submissive woman. It’s by being an assertive Alpha, and creating attraction that draws that sort of woman to you. Actually walking around asking women if they are submissive is going to creep 99% of women out on the spot. You have to carefully frame it as you
“like to make things happen”
or something like that.
“I’m not interested in being a bully, but I like to take the lead.”
“like to make things happen”
or something like that.
“I’m not interested in being a bully, but I like to take the lead.”
Submission is not something you can take from a woman. It’s something they give to you. So become the sort of man who entices them to give it. A submissive wife isn’t a doormat or a bimbo.
Well they can be I guess, just personally I'd tire of them very quickly. You should be hunting for First Officer material. Upon occasion you are really going to want her to be able to step up for you and your family.
Well they can be I guess, just personally I'd tire of them very quickly. You should be hunting for First Officer material. Upon occasion you are really going to want her to be able to step up for you and your family.
(9.8) Alpha Male of the Group
It's also important to understand that being a husband usually comes with a dual role of fatherhood. The close relative of the Alpha Male traits is being the Alpha Male of the Group (AMOG). In other words, leadership of your wife has also got to be leadership of the children as well. If a kid is running the show you aren't the AMOG, they are…which is really, really bad on so many levels.
If the kids are running around uncontrolled, you're screwing the whole thing up and look increasingly Beta at best and Omega at worst. You're responsible for the raising of the kids,
more responsible for them than your wife is.
As I've said before, you're the Captain and she's the First Officer. Oh sure, the mom can step up and kick ass and take names if need be, but for the really nasty stuff she feels like G.I. Jane when she'd probably rather be Barbie. Ideally a Barbie hooking up with a G.I. Joe. (We all knew Ken was nervous about G.I. Joe right?)
more responsible for them than your wife is.
As I've said before, you're the Captain and she's the First Officer. Oh sure, the mom can step up and kick ass and take names if need be, but for the really nasty stuff she feels like G.I. Jane when she'd probably rather be Barbie. Ideally a Barbie hooking up with a G.I. Joe. (We all knew Ken was nervous about G.I. Joe right?)
(9.9) Family Discipline is Self-Discipline
You must maintain discipline over your children. Discipline sounds like a harsh word, but often it really isn't in practice as it’s mostly just maintaining your own self control and not letting the situation get out of hand. You explain clearly things like:
“
These are the limits, and these are the consequences of the limits being broken. This is me not enabling you to break the limits.”
These are the limits, and these are the consequences of the limits being broken. This is me not enabling you to break the limits.”
“
I can easily not drive you in the car all day long.”
I can easily not drive you in the car all day long.”
“
You made a huge scene when we left there, so I'm not taking you back for a week.”
You made a huge scene when we left there, so I'm not taking you back for a week.”
“
You are screaming at me, so this conversation stops until you can express yourself appropriately.”
You are screaming at me, so this conversation stops until you can express yourself appropriately.”
“
You are having a tantrum in public, so we are leaving public now. Yes I understand that we left a shopping cart full of food behind, we can make cheese sandwiches at home.”
You are having a tantrum in public, so we are leaving public now. Yes I understand that we left a shopping cart full of food behind, we can make cheese sandwiches at home.”
“
Thank you for being good, let's get ice cream. You were both well behaved, thank you.”
Thank you for being good, let's get ice cream. You were both well behaved, thank you.”
“
There is no “X” until “Y” is completed.”
There is no “X” until “Y” is completed.”
When you discipline one kid, you actually discipline them all. If kid #1 gets punished for doing something, kid #2 is going to expect to be punished for it too. If kid #2 does it and gets away with it, kid #1 is going to be livid. The kids are a social unit and they expect discipline for one of them to apply to all of them, and if you don’t, the bad behavior will intensify until you learn to. Likewise when you discipline your kids, you're in a sense disciplining your wife as well, and vice versa:
This is how we treat each other in this family. I’m not going to let anyone act badly in this family.
This is how we treat each other in this family. I’m not going to let anyone act badly in this family.
Perhaps that explains the relative lack of testing behavior (we will come to this hot issue in an upcoming chapter) that Jennifer directs at me compared to the way most husbands express it. I’ve proved that I can handle bad behavior from the kids, not flinch and calmly and methodically address it. So getting bad behavior from Jennifer would net her the same result, so it’s just easier being nice to each other. Though to be quite fair, Jennifer is the sweetest person I know and acting out isn’t really an issue anyway – that’s part of why I married her. It’s actually hard imagining her being bratty to be honest.
Positive touch, kind words, humor, playfulness, and a firm “No” are all tools in the discipline tool chest as well. Playfully grabbing your wife and kissing her in front of the kids, or cuddling on the couch together, might make the kids groan in mock horror, but they do find it enormously comforting.
Mom and Dad love each other, which means they love me too.
Together you can set a tone for the whole family's interactions together.
Mom and Dad love each other, which means they love me too.
Together you can set a tone for the whole family's interactions together.
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